family support - what to do?

[thinkoflaura 0]

I was just banded a few days ago and I, along with my family, am still getting used to the new life change.

My husband is very supportive. My parents are too - in theory. But my dad just came in to my room (my folks live in our guest house out back) and asked, "so when can we all go out to dinner again?"

"Not til I'm ready," I said, "and probably not until we can all agree to go for something healthy."

"That's the wrong attitude," he insisted. "When I've been on diets, I didn't begrudge others from eating what they wanted."

We started getting into a heated argument about it, and then he left.

We are a family of over-eaters and until now, we'd eat many calorie-carb-fat laden meals together. Part of why I decided to get the lap band was because I wanted to break the cycle. I want my 4 year old daughter to see you don't have to eat ridiculous amounts of bread and Pasta to be sustained.

I know I have this great new tool that will enable me to be successful if I make the right choices. I know my parents don't have that tool so I'm not expecting them to change their habits just because I am. But at the same time, I think if dad expects me to join him while he pigs out on lasagna, why can't i expect him to join me for Soup and salad one night?

I also don't want to be the one cut off from all the camaraderie and fun -- but (over)eating on unhealthy meals was our primary way of family bonding, and right now I just think it's not smart for me to be around that.

anyone else go though something similar? any advice would be appreciated.

[ccweeks 0]

I know exactly how you feel. Immediately after surgery my parents took me to our beach house. That night, they ordered Carraba's while I sipped on broth. They ate it right in front of me and kept commenting on how delicious it was. This continued the week of Thanksgiving.

I know it was my decision to have the procedure and, to be honest, they weren't very supportive of the decision, but I kept wondering why they couldn't hold off on eating delicious food around me. I didn't want them to be eating just broth as well, but I would hope that they would be considerate and they were not.

I don't live with my parents, but I do spend a lot of time with them. My feeling on our situation is this: let them go out to dinner without you if they are so in need of eating out. If the restaurant has something you can eat, then join, but otherwise let them overeat the calorie-ridden meals and you stay on track.

Don't let them sabotage your transformation!!

[mom.on.the.go 0]

but you can go out with them... if you are on liquids you can have soup... for example Chili's has Enchilada Soup. Get it without topping and eat around the chicken. not a good daily choice but i was able to work it a couple times in my first couple weeks post-op at business lunches. i even did it today since i am a day out from my first fill.

i know with my own parents (who are also obese) i was able to quietly appease them in that first week post-op by joining them at the table and sipping my soup. my actions spoke louder than any words. by them seeing me being "normal" and not some drastic change in their eyes i think it has gone a long way in them being supportive.

change scares people. that is why your dad came into your room. he is scared of losing a bond with you. you can bond while he eats his lasanga and you eat your soup. dad's aren't the best at expressing themselves when it comes to "losing" some of their connection with their daughters. i know my dad isn't.

[thinneranniesoon 0]

We do eat out, at least 2 times a week. After surgery went to Ale House alot, which I was able to get french onion Soup without the bread.

Now I am 6 months out, and 55 lbs down, we went to Desalvo's for Italian last week, I had 1/2 a house salad and 1/2 of the kids chicken parmasean. The kids does not come with Pasta so that was not a worry.

When at home and I make italian, I do make pasta for my fiance, but I have my sauce over bean sprouts or green Beans, mix in some ricotta cheese, top with mozzerella cheese and I am set.

It may not get easy, but it will take some getting used to.

Saturday night after the youth clubs parade, everyone was going out for pizza, well since we had just had italian the night before, we declined. We instead went to ale house and I had a great chicken salad. I was happy with my choice, and we were able to take it home and relax, instead of being out with a crowd of 30+

[thinkoflaura 0]

we went to Desalvo's for Italian last week, I had 1/2 a house salad and 1/2 of the kids chicken parmasean.

omg - i grew up in sunrise, fl... i remember desalvo's well. how do you go there and not cry over missing the garlic rolls? see, right now, i think i'm still mourning the loss of my old (bad) habits and cravings...

[adagray 1]

Since you are just a few days out, I wouldn't want to go out at all regardless of the food choices. It seems unreasonable that he is giving you a hard time about this. I would encourage them to go out without me. Eventually you will feel comfortable going out and making healthy choices even if everyone else is eating horrible. I have been on soooooo many diets and ate out a lot and one thing I've learned is that people rarely would even notice what or how much I was eating. And, you can get something healthy almost anywhere if you speak up for yourself. Don't be afraid to say you do not want something that comes with the meal (like the starch) or ask if you can substitute and have more steamed vegies instead of the starch. Or, give some away to your tablemates. You will do great when you are ready, but being just a few days out, I don't blame you for just saying no. Regardless of the food issue, you just had surgery!

[thinneranniesoon 0]

omg - i grew up in sunrise, fl... i remember desalvo's well. how do you go there and not cry over missing the garlic rolls? see, right now, i think i'm still mourning the loss of my old (bad) habits and cravings...

I had them do one almost burnt for me, and I did eat some of the garlic roll. This was the first time I had been to Desalvo's and it was good. We will go there again. For the 2 of us it was $20 and that included Mikes soda and my hot tea.

[mom.on.the.go 0]

omg - i grew up in sunrise, fl... i remember desalvo's well. how do you go there and not cry over missing the garlic rolls? see, right now, i think i'm still mourning the loss of my old (bad) habits and cravings...

i grew up in sunrise/plantation! i am sorry but Mario's on University and Sunset Strip kicks DiSalvos gralic rolls butt any day!

[thinkoflaura 0]

i grew up in sunrise/plantation! i am sorry but Mario's on University and Sunset Strip kicks DiSalvos gralic rolls butt any day!

haha! i forgot about Mario's!

i went to Piper -- class of 88. haven't been back to the area in nearly 15 years.

[mom.on.the.go 0]

haha! i forgot about Mario's!

i went to Piper -- class of 88. haven't been back to the area in nearly 15 years.

i am plantation c/o 90. i went to horizon and baer, though, so a lot of my early classmates were at piper.

i live north in the boca area now.

[ElfiePoo 109]

I was just banded a few days ago and I, along with my family, am still getting used to the new life change.

"That's the wrong attitude," he insisted. "When I've been on diets, I didn't begrudge others from eating what they wanted."

You might want to find a quiet moment to sit down with your dad alone and tell him that you love him but your 'attitude' towards food is what got you where you were pre-band..and that has to change. Reinforce that you don't begrudge others what they eat, but that others should not force you to watch them eat when you are in a very vulnerable time.

I've been banded for 6 weeks and I've noticed that my son and husband (both could stand to lose 20 pounds) have started eating less at meals. Perhaps you'll eventually 'rub off' on your dad. :scared2:

[thinkoflaura 0]

thanks all for the advice and your stories!

elfiepoo - i will try that!

[HappyHomeCC 2]

mY husband loves to go to buffets but knows he shouldn't. I told him No more for me. I told him if he wants to go out to a buffet it is ok with me if he goes with a friend, it won't hurt my feelings. And how it doesn't make sense to me to pay for what I can't eat. or to take the chance of over indulging and puking.

I am so hyper aware of what others are eating now and I am amazed at the quantities and quality of foods... blows me away including when i watch TV not just in real life. I went and saw Cloudy with a chance of meatballs with my kids and I think I was the only one in the theater freaking about the quantity of food and how the Mayor was exploding... I kept saying OH MY GOD ...

It is wierd ... I think I have become a food Nazi.... My husband jokes when he wants to eat some thing bad and I tell him OMG you know what you are doing? He laughs and says ... I think I like you better before!

Ha Ha

If my 12 yr old daughter sees me eat something she is not sure about she says " are you sure that is good for you?"

[Ryno 0]

I've been lucky, my family has been extremely supportive.

I have gone out to dinner since my surgery about 5 times.

What I've found it that it doesn't matter where we go, all Resturants have something Heathly to eat.

So in your familys case, if they are itching to go out and eat, let them. Tell them to go without you, or tagged along and just get Soup while you are on your liquid diet.

However as ElfiePoo said, you should talk to your father about your feelings, and also acknowledge his.

My family has always been big eaters, and I finding that switching to this new lifestyle in now way impedes them.

I find that challenge of adapting and trying new healthier foods is fantastic, while at the same time eating at the same old places I used to.

Good luck to you, and I hope this journey is a great one for you.

[Catherine55 43]

Mom.on.the.Go totally nailed it -- it sounds like your dad is scared of losing the bond you shared. As a practical matter, you can eat anywhere with the band. I wouldn't even worry about it.

At first, it will be VERY HELPFUL to look at the menu on-line before you get to the restaurant and to decide what you are going to order. If you're still on liquids, you can call ahead and make sure they will puree a Soup for you. Once you are on regular foods, you can order delicious fish, have some mashers here and there, etc.

As for the garlic rolls -- you'll probably be able to nibble a bit of those. But, get stuck once or twice, and I bet they will stop looking as appealing as they once did!

You're going to be fine going out with your family. You may even be surprised (i.e. grossed out) to notice just how much they are packing away when you go out. If that happens, try to handle it the way you would want them to handle it if the situation was reversed.

Best wishes to you! You are going to do great -- but I would avoid going out to dinner with them somewhere bad while you're in "Bandster Hell" (before you have good restriction) b/c it will be harder then to make good decisions.

Catherine