Trying to figure out how the impossible is possible.

[CaliQueenBee 0]

Forgive yourself, learn to love yourself and teach your kids how to too. You WERE sick with a terrible disease, and now you are on the road to recovery. Keep pluggin' along and don't hate yourself for what you were, love yourself for what you are and what you're striving to become.

BTW - I grew up in OR, where are you?

[the best me 6]

Nykee, you are blowing me away. I'm so proud of you!

[Alexandra 55]

Wow, Nykee. This is amazing to read and I'm so glad you are posting about it.

[Nykee 13]

fun4mat.. yes thats what I am sayin

cali.. I was in portland,(kid) tillamook,(teen) then ashland (adult) and now albany (old lady)lol

everyone.. THANKS for appreciating this

I did finish thinking and now I will ppost what I wrote to myself on word...

The rest of the story

I exspected a 20 yr goal like kicking food addiction/obsession/inability to eat and exersize to the point of being not morbidly obese........ to be something I fininshed off like a thesis and came to a conclusion and saw the efforts pay off right then and there.....

It wasnt like that, so thats how I missed it...and had to do all this dang thinking...

But as I realize these things just happen eventually and sometimes you never know exactly what did it, BUT you did it and all those years have finally paid off. (THUS THE CREDIT)

I can see how it happened. I can see it totally possible. I can see how it snuck up on me when I wasnt even thinking about it and NOW I will revel in its glory.. in the future my freedom from food story will not start with how it just happened like magic, went loonly, got thinkinhg and found my credit..and then tell how and why.. I will start at the how and why (well I will start with the band)

The band did NOT do it... my tight fill gave me a chance to feel and see and look at food and the concept... with out the Fix running through me, clouding my mind, making me lie, burried in food aka slow death.....and in that chance I was able to do all the things I ALREADY had been thinking and doing deeper inside.

All the time I thought things... the things that would lead a person away from foods grasp.. .. and finally I had convinved myself. WOW. Never thought it possible.

These are the things I think and have for a long time all the time that show I lead my self to the freedom from food.

Random typing (lazy too) can skim this..part in red

we are a bunch of hogs, makes me sick, why do we let this happen, we are so much smarter, i mean nothing is healhy, whats healthy anyway, you gotta go through all this crap to find healthy these days... we are americans and we are all fat cows and dont care.. as 400,000 of us die a year... we dont care.. we think we aretn worth help cus it was food that made us fat.. food, food, food... its like evil. Why do I let it control me.. its JUST food.. I can do anything but I cant NOT eat a stupid food item? I would kill anything that could control me like that, I am above this shit, I am smarter than this, americans think they are so smart.. IDIOTS, ruining our bodies.. thats the ultimate sin and here we go and do it like its the good life.

I want to be a vegitarian, I hope I am someday. Its just wrong to eat all this shit, eat animals?? I am above that arent I? Someday when I am normal sized and dieted.

I never want to eat dairy products ... ever and soy is good and I am choosing taste of YUM over my decently and morals..??? I ignore my core for a taste of food.. FUCK THAT.. goooooood... 3 weeks no milk and I quit.....shameful trash. How can you even claim to are about the animals and the cause? I admit, I dont really care about the chickens.. I just dont?? BUT DRINKNING MILK IS the worst and I KNOW IT! I hate me... I am nothing but selfish and low life human trash..

That 'super size me movie' really hit home, I beleive in that stuff.. I am so glad he made the movie.. NO ONE SHOULD GO TO mcdonalds or BK... its sick what they call food.. the food can be worth a shit, but no one cares to make it even close.. I know its MY choice to eat it, but why even exist at such levels.. YOU know that can taster the same with like 10 grams less fat.... we shuffle through like cattle... pay our dollar, make em all rich, ... I never fall for those healthy items they pretend to carry to fool us and I wanna wring their neck... APPLE and carmel slices for kids NOT healthier. Salads a joke. Low carb stuff not even low card.. grrrrr.. money money is all they care aboiut.. at whos exspense.. we grew up like this is normal.. its gross.. brainwashing

I love fruit.. how come I dont eat it? I love all kinds and dont have it... WHY? No way a corn dog is yummier that fresh pineapple or a cold orange. If I buy it it rots.. am I affraid of healthy foods or what? I want an orange!! now.. and watermellon too.. and somehow its not as good as I thnk it is, my taste buds are shot on all this processed food.. I mean I really think the bbq steak tv dinner is steak? I slurp that nasty gristle and cheap sauce up like Its alllll that. I like peas too.. no peas.?? One month I spent all my food money on foods I liked but never ate and STILL didnt eat them. pudding, aplesauce, mixed fruit, veggie melody, peas and carots.etc.... sat forever as I asked 'what is there?' But keepiing me from oranges is an outrage!

Everyone I see.. kids, adults, skinny, chubby, normal.. all eat crap.. go to 7-11 and fast food and pizza and on and on..... I see like a health nut one out of a hundred and I dont even know whats in their cart.. how hard can it be to learn? Look it up.. simple! Go Organic? Do it for the kids for christ sakes.. OH MY.. the vending machinnes at school give out fruitsensations (?) and its not EVEN JUICE! oh why why do schools let kids eat all this crap? My school lunches as a kid included a roll and a dish of cream butter with every meal... who is gonna helpo the kids? The parents dont care, all these fats kids, why why why.. skinny moms, dont think they do a thing to help them..ruining thier kids lives..stupid bithces... I wanna slap them. Here I am most obese mom of all... my kids arent fat and THERES a reason for that! I MAKE SURE!

I know its true even when many are skeptible.. I knew from my second childs birth what I was doing and I have done it everyday, their entire lives... couldnt done better, coulda easily not made it, cuz I went with the flow.. almost bare minimum I think, it was hard.. Still do it.. NO one can possibly fathom how many moments are about my doing some thing haivng to do with their weight. No one ever will.. Cuz its crazy, but I know.. I know had I not done and do not do these things... my kids woulda easily been fatties for sure..I am proud of that, but wish it was healthy too....

I am sick sick sick of not knowing what to do, being judged, fought at every corner over its issues... it all so unfair how it gets some and not others... I wanting help so bad for my kids sake and yet cant do it for my kids sake and and sick of feeling less human and sick and tired of being sick and tired and wanting a real life and health and mobility shouldnt be too much to ask if I have prooved myself.. ITS A DISEASE, no one can tell me its not. IT IS. I have it. I blame mom. I blame her mom too. I dont know her moms mom, all I know is I am not who I am.. I am not me. I am a lie. I am not a human being..as its meant.. and if this shit is OK, human beings destroying bodies than I dont care for humans... Human to me is HUMAN.. MOST powerfull, The highest power..... and this is our chosen life? HELL with it all..

Moving on

SoooooooooooooooooooooI been itching to kick foods ass and leaves its no good home and move on to freedom knowing it cant touch me no more.

Ready to stop bitching and being a hypricrite and doing something about this obese existance thats destroying my body, like I have some sence and smarts.

Proove to the world that I am not lazy, unmotivated and menatlly ill but trapped in disease and can find a way out..no cure.

And pissed at america for being hogs and refuse to join in the minless destruction like the rest. I am not a sheep. Move to canada.

I wanna make pain, hold those accountable, cuss em out and destroy their worlds... but dont know how or who to blame.

I wanna get my morals back and keep them near and treat them as all I have in life that makes me who I am thats good.

I want to diss it, diss it, diss it, I cant even think of how to do so.

AND

having a tight fill where I couldnt eat but liquids for a month....and thus soon out of any food coma..

It was the last thing I needed before it all dawned on me and became (kinda ) clear.

I wasnt goona let food fluck with me ever again.

[Nykee 13]

Now.. I admit I am motivated my hate and ego the most...

The hate kicked in (aBOVE

and now the ego:

(I have always been this way... I cant help it..sorry..I get high on being better ever since my accomplishments as a teen got me hooked on the rush of not feeling shitty but bright.....I do it in my own little ways I am not better than anyone.. I never do it to make anyone feel badly. If I didnt swell my ego, my self pity would destroy me. Call it survival of how the cybils of the wordls function.)

So now I am not into food like before.... and um I am gonna like proove it and show off that amazing fact to the EXTREME as usual....I cant help it.

This is what I did:

First I choose to keep a shame to myself (my old eating habits list) and hold the funky feelings in my tummy and let them fester... cuz its a new feeling and stronger than ever and I am not too good to feel it. Plus I am interested. I may not feel this bad for a while or ever. Its kinda good to feel bad. To know its all mine. My secret.

I feel deep disgust for living and raising my kids like that and cant shake the shitty feelings...But I cant express this either..... I am quiet for once in life.

SO!!!!!!!!!!

I drive around ignoring that fast food even exists. I dont see them. They are dead to me. I cant recall seeing them the first month at all.. they are all over.

Did my kids even ask to go? What did I say? Just No.. ?? hummmmm

Later I felt discust for the fast food places. They were trash, grubby, no good, dirty rotton scum who I would protect my kids from and myself...

To stop for anything supported them. I DID get KFC mashed tatoes and two other things once, so dont hold me to my ramblings as 100% facts.. ya know. I may forget other disclaimers as this one,

The thought of putting one of those little burgers in my mouth for the cost of one dollar..... was deplorable, I wouldnt stoop so low...

I looked at them and saw ugly, dirty, cheap, .... pity, poor, low class people who need shaken and slapped and deprogramed.

I didnt think of future trips to my old favorite resturants cuz they had taken so much of my money and their food wasnt worth it and I was robbed and I wasnt about to give r anymore of my money like some fool to con artists..... Their exteriours no longer enticed me, ugly and cheap, bad service...

I for one wouldnt be caught dead inside. WAIT IN A LINE? Oh hell no

You had to do way better than THAT to get me. If ever a food place caught my fancy, I bet it would feel divine now to deny such grand notions as if I am a flucking GOD!

EATING Food could NEVER be better than Dissing food and being special and acheiving such a huge goal many do not, many do. Proof I am who I am once again,

(I could be wrong.. a nice place who didnt piss me off might sound yummy one day)(this is another disclaimer)

THEN

Then things happened I didnt plan (not mad at) enforcing my new life...

I posted here about my new grocery shopping experience's..

INSERT that story here.

Short version:

Soon I find myself not grocery shopping at big chains as usual. (winco, walmart) serious and FUN.I shop at little markets now (safeway) AND not caring to even go.. I send a kid with a list.

What was fun and exciting and a big event to me... is now a chore.. thank god the highlight of my week isnt grocery shopping! how lame.

sooooooooooo

All those good feelings... some created, some surprising, all amazing...... unexplainable. You cant imagine till it happens.

[Nykee 13]

yes theres more.. lol

NOW.......... credit for ALWAYS STOPPING eating at first band signals and avoiding PB, slime and all that. ALWAYS!

High on control...(hate and ego..feeling real good though) (need new verbs)

I refused to let my band control me... I would one up it by stopping eating before it made me.. NOW thats credit and control and power to the max.

I simply just stop the second it feels weird.. I know I can eat more, lots more even...but I dont. I STOP before the band has to do anything.

I mean, I wont chew slow and carefull and deal with some little feelings to get down more food... NO WAY, thats my band controlling me. NOT WORTH IT.

I still like food and want to eat and have to stop before I wanna and wish I could feel saticefied and full more often, plus I really want more juice and to GULP it...(the one thing I cling to and want to still do)

But I stop...

I can stop at my first signs, no matter how little I get to eat and avoid all pb and such.... Um, thats like so cool and all I have to do is stop at that first sign and I am sure that will protect it from happening... ever.. and my goal is NEVER.. (well for now)

I know I need the band, I know I need to know it will stop me if I tried to go too far.. restriction is my salvation... The band a necessary tool for sure.

But right now, I am in control of my food.

Ok.. kinda.. I still have problems, I need to control.. But this is the most I have ever had or ever thought Id come close to.. so I get all giddy and dramatic..

EXAMPLE: I cant imagine I would ever want to eat a Protein, veggie and carb meal as regular and eat healthy vs. junk. But I know I will..

I even see being a vegetarian and NO milk as possible in my life.

P.S.

I was ready for this, I knew I was. I argued I was to skeptics. I felt I was not mentally messed up just cuz I was 400 pounds still... I felt I was basically healthy a number of years ago.. BUT the beleife is we are fat for a reason and when you fix the mental. you will be able to fix the obesity....

This being able to happen to me like it did.. PROOVES i was right...

This disease does deep....some arent even close and think they are, some are close and feel so far..... its hard... everyone is different..

But somehow I KNEW.... ITS NOT whats eating me, DR. PHIL! lol

The reason I knew this was cuz I heard it all... did it all.. nothing was ever new to me... and I had thought of every angel to every option..

Nothing, not even Dr. Phil had anything to tell me I didnt already know or explore or try and such... I wasnt skepticle..

THERE was nothing new.

IN YOUR FACE (assholes who analyze me as a way to critisize and condem and dissmiss my surgery options and my mental state!) (about weight) (I do have mental issues on other stuff.. lol)

ha ha ha ha

I have more to report in about a week, changes..challanges

I dont wanna say right now, things are happening faster than I can type and post.

THANK YOU FOR LISTNING!

[Nykee 13]

selfish shameless bump

[Nykee 13]

So the changes and challanges were that these stupid food cravings and obsessions were coming back alittle.. and I mean just a litle like 20%.. but I didnt like it one bit.

Example: Friday night I went to CHINA BUFFET and if you read any of my ramblings from above you would see how thats different that what I had been feeling like doing.. .. I went late and I ate alot (my last meal.. again..cuz I had a fill on saturday)

alenandrea said something about it being like a 'honeymoon period' and to be carefull and thats the best I can describe all my feelings as well.

BUT.. I went and got a fill..(yesterday) 1.6 to 1.9..

I am tight tight tight again and I feel ELATION and just so glad I am sipping once again and at night I will be able to get in my needs..

I got in 3 ounces of tomatoe Soup and a drink of grape juice so far.. its 1pm..

I open up quite a bit at night.. so I cant wait till tonight to see what happens.. How tight I am..

This control over food.. (restriction) thats the bliss.. it completely overrides any desire or mourning for the food.< /p>

Its only been a day though.. I will see if the feelings are the same or if the first few months were just easy or something. I hope its all about the restriciton, but I realize it might not be.

All night as I slept I was affraid I went too far and would choke on my saliva (thats the fear) BUT I DIDNT!!! Horray.. its right bacK where it was before.

She was gonna put in 2.3!! and I had to like tell her ummmm no.. I am toooo tight in the mornings for that.. so she did 2.0 and I gulped Water (she told me to sip and I told her I couldnt figure out where I was unless I gupled a drink.. and she said ok) and I settled on 1.9 and I happened to be RIGHT ON!

anyway.. thats whats going on now