PREGNANT and devastated

[iwalktheline 1]

I am 40 years old and just had a positive pg test after missing my period for 2 months. i already have 2 kids. i can barely pay the mortgage. i just started my life. felt like living again after being banded 7 months ago. lost 60 pounds. training for a marathon. no more depression. no more high bld pressure. now its over. my life is over!!! any supportive advice is welcome

[Vicki J 0]

There was a time that I was in a similar position. I was in a bad marriage on the way out. Looking at supporting 2 daughters by myself with no job and no home. I found myself pregnant. Now I'm not a big fan of abortion but staunchly believe it is a personal choice and one that can only be made by the person who is pregnant. I scheduled one. Two days before I was supposed to go in for the abortion I ended up in a classroom in a church doing a prenatal class with a friend. I tried everything to really not connect with what I was doing there. It hurt too badly. So I wondered up to the bulletin board at break (to avoid the prospective mommies beaming) and proceeded to check out anything that would not remind me that I was going to do something I never thought I would do. That's when I heard a noise at my feet. I looked down and there was a baby (probably 1 mo. old) cooing away. That was really not the way to avoid what was happening. On the way home my girlfriend and I talked about my situation. She told me that she would support any decision I made but to think on the fact that I might be carrying the son I had always wanted and she suggested I call someone in my family for support. Well, I called my sister and, bless her heart (I can say that now), she called my folks. When the phone rang and it was them I about died. To my surprise they told me NOT to make the decision based on my financial status but from my heart. They also told me to come home and they would give me whatever I needed no matter which way I went. My dad did say that I needed to make sure I wasn't making a mistake because on one that was already made.

I went home. I didn't get the abortion. I had my son (no ultrasound knowledge of the sex). I had my parents put their arms around me and shelter us with love. I got back together with my high school sweetheart (first and only true love/best friend) and he adopted my son. Here I am 27 years later so thankful that I didn't make that decision while I was emotionally blown out of the Water due to bad circumstances. I have a beautiful son and two beautiful daughters that I was blessed with.

My message here is to not let this ruin your life. I am a true believer that we all have a path to walk in our lives and that things happen for a reason. I also believe that there is a higher power who watches out for us. Trust in yourself and know that finances are more often than not temporary. I feel your pain there too because my husband is out of work and has been for a year. We have a $2500 per month house payment and a $4400 per month income. With all the other bills we fall woefully short. But I know we will make it somehow. I would walk away from my home in a nano second for my family. There isn't anything there without them. I'm so happy my path led me to where I am today.

My thoughts are with you and may you find the peace and happiness you're looking for.

[Jachut 487]

Sigh, been there. Not quite so bad I guess, but DH was about to be retrenched, there appeared to be no job on the horizon for him, my second son was just about to start school and I was going back to work. Then I got pregnant.

I was pretty upset about it too, it wasnt ideal, it was going to be tough financially and I just plain did not WANT three children. I too scheduled a termination, but I simply couldnt go through with it in the end. I couldnt condone it in my situation because I agree, I just didnt feel I could make the decision about a child's life based on something temporary like finances. I really really feared for my long term emotional and mental health - and consequently my marriage - if I did it.

Well, it has been tough. It may not have been struggle to put food on the table tough, but it put paid to a lot of our ambitions and hopes for our life and set us back 10 years in progress - and I really really get why you'd be so upset about it happening at 40, I thought 35 wasws bad enough. DH did get a job, a really good one, and I was stuck at home for another five years - dont even ask about our retarded tax system here in Australia that made it absolutely not worth my while to work. So I went back to university to do what I always wanted and am now about to graduate as a teacher. Our worse gripe now is that we're trying to book a holiday and all the resorts in Bali, thailandm, Fiji want to make us book 2 suites to house 3 kids, which doubles the cost of everything.

Things have a way of working out. I've taught myself to run and run a half marathon with 3 young children. I ran with Eliza in a jogger stroller. I went ahead with what I wanted to do and studied although its been hard at times. I put aside my feelings that babies dont belong in childcare and forged ahead, because I felt that was just how it has to be when you're blessed with an unexpected child.

I also ate very carefully, exercised and gained NO weight at all during that pregnancy (with the blessing of my doctor). You can do it, especially with a band. She was a healthy 8lbs.

I really empathise with you, but I do believe it'll be a blessing in years to come. They do bring all their love with them and just create their own space in your heart and your life.

Edited October 16, 2009 by Jachut

[heartfire 4]

I'm so sorry that you are going thru this.

Can I please give you another perspective?

I have never been in your situation b/c I simply can NOT get pregnant.

BUT I have a beautiful 3 year old now due to her birthmother's very tough decision. Our birthmother was in a situation somewhat similar to yours and instead of an abortion decided to make an adoption plan for the child she felt she couldn't raise.

We picked our daughter up from the hospital when she was 2 days old. Because of our birthmother's decision, I have finally become a mother.

If you would like to talk to someone, I can give you numbers/website of the agency we went thru. PM me. They only talk with you to help you thru what you are going thru. They can help you find answers to your questions and not even about making an adoption plan. They have counselors that you can speak with about anything. They don't expect ANYTHING from you. They are just there to try to help you clarify things and come to some sort of a decision regarding you and your life.

They aren't going to be pushing anything and I'm not either. I just know that they may be a place for you to be able to talk with someone who is capable of helping you make some tough decisions.

Lots of prayers for you.

[jollygreen1955 0]

I know that you should think of all your possibilities

I had to adopt and LOVE my son to death

My reason for not having children was a problem with the Dh and in those days ... your only option was using a sperm bank which I refused to do

If you go to term.. you will see that everything will work out

If you get an abortion... that is up to you and I WILL NOT think that it is anyones business but you should wait to see if you it really is correct for you

There are girls here on the boards who have probably been banded because they can not have kids and would be a loving parent for your child

PLEASE go to a womans group that get give you the emotional support that is needed

My prayers are with you ... if you need help you can email me off the boards

stay strong

laura

[Cherry_Blue 0]

I am sorry to hear that your pregnancy does not bring you joy. Its easy for me to say that you should have the baby and love it, but I am not in your situation and times are hard.

You have options and you should consider every option. before you do, please remember : pregnancy does not mean you will return to being fat again. My son is 5 months old and i am 2 kilos below pre preggo weight, if I can do it then anybody can.

But I know that times are hard and lets face it money is important :thumbup: I think only you can decide what you should do. Good luck

[linda1195 0]

I truly believe there is a plan and purpose for your child. You have a very tough decision, but having an abortion is not going to make the fact that you were ever pregnant go away.

When I was 19, I did choose abortion and it haunts me every day of my life. It is the one of the biggest regrets in my life and I will never get over what I did. I have, however, thanks to God's grace learned to live with it, but the road has been so hard.

Adoption is a very, very courageous decision. There are so many families that would love your child. Adoption is not like it use to be. There are open adoptions and you are in the driver's seat. You are in control of how you would want your adoption to go. I don't know where you are, but in VA, there is also an agency that will keep your baby for 3 months until you decide what to do. PLEASE don't discount making a good life plan for your baby.

And Please don't make a rushed decision. There is no easy answer. But, God will make a way for you.

If you need me, let me know. I would be happy to find you a place to go to talk about your options or talk to you myself.

Linda

[olgi330 0]

Please don't think that your life is over because a life has begun in your womb. Its a crisis situation but a termination can lead to emotional scars that may never heal. You do have options. Please listen to the women that have gone through a similar situation. An also listen to mine. My husband had been laid off from his job and working odd jobs and waiting tables to keep us afloat. I had been fired from my own job 3 months prior and still was unable to find anothe job. The lease was up on the nice comfortable apartment we could no longer afford so we sold our many things moved in to my sisters basement with our 8 year old son and 3 year old daughter until we got back on out feet. I always had nice things, lived well, worked hard and assumed I would always be ok. This was so humiliating for me. I found myself pregnant due to failed Birth control and could not accept this pregnancy. My husband is "more catholic" than I and tried talking me out of abortion but ultimately said that if the baby would be such a burden for me and make me so miserable then he would support whatever I decide. I scheduled the abortion,and after the registration and elderly man with blue eyes that seemed to glow walked up to me and said, "please don't have your daughter killed". I freaked out and ran out of the clinic. Next day I woke up with so much resolve to end the pregnancy I went in to the same clinic as soon as it opened but was not allowed to abort without an appointment. I made the next available appointment which was 2 days later then went to my sister-in-law's house for lunch and a self-pity party. My niece showed up and & told her what I was going through and she begged me to keep the baby. She "lovingly" said that I am very spoiled, I've had my way, my plans, and I did everything under the sun to avoid getting pregnant & got pregnant anyway in the worst situation of my life. She believed God needed to show me who was in control and she assured me that everything will work out for the best if I decide with my heart, not my gut. I didn't show up for the abortion because of the guilt I felt after that harsh conversation, cried myself to sleep for many nights the following months and I despised my niece for what she said and for "making" me feel this way. Towards the end of my pregnancy my husband found work with insurance, my DAUGHTER was born perfectly healthy (the old man with blue eyes had said I had a girl). my little Andrea and her older sister are inseperable. Her big brother adores her, and I am in a nice house, I am comfortable, happy and thank God for ALL my children; my life is one that I could not have imagined years ago. I see now that the abortion would have destroyed my marriage since my husband really did want the child and my two older children would have been denied the spunk and unconditional love that my "surprise" child has brought in to our lives. Things really do happen for a reason. If you really can't raise your baby there are so many childless couples that would love to love your child. Please think with your heart and not you gut.

I am 40 years old and just had a positive pg test after missing my period for 2 months. i already have 2 kids. i can barely pay the mortgage. i just started my life. felt like living again after being banded 7 months ago. lost 60 pounds. training for a marathon. no more depression. no more high bld pressure. now its over. my life is over!!! any supportive advice is welcome

Edited November 16, 2009 by olgi330

[jollygreen1955 0]

Please don't think that your life is over because a life has begun in your womb. Its a crisis situation but a termination can lead to emotional scars that may never heal. You do have options. Please listen to the women that have gone through a similar situation. An also listen to mine. .......gut.

What a wonderful post... I believe that also...we all need to hear it more often

BTW...did you ever see the old man again?

[HeatherO 7]

I wish you the best of luck with whatever decision you make. It is a tough road but as long as you make a decision that is based on what is right for you and your situation and you think it through thoroughly, you will get through this and end up stronger for it.

There have been a few times in my life when something bad or untimely has happened and I felt like it was the end of the world and things could never get worse. Well, I am here today happy and healthy and would not change a thing about my past. Every bad event helped me along to a better place in the end. There may have been a reason why things happened when they did.

[rodriguezequal 3]

I am 40 years old and just had a positive pg test after missing my period for 2 months. i already have 2 kids. i can barely pay the mortgage. i just started my life. felt like living again after being banded 7 months ago. lost 60 pounds. training for a marathon. no more depression. no more high bld pressure. now its over. my life is over!!! any supportive advice is welcome

I know that times are tough and I'm sorry. I have lost 20 pounds since learning I was pregnant. I'm 26 weeks now and still doing well. Just because your pregnant doesn't mean you have to stop exercising or that you have to blow up like a christmas float! I have had an abortion...I do not regret it and I never will, but mine was done for a different reason. There are options you just have to make sure you do what is right for you. Please do not let anyone pressure you into doing something that you don't feel is right for you! I am always around if you need to talk. I know I'm young, but trust me I have been through a lot and I have overcome! You can ask me anything and you can talk to me about anything and not have a fear of being judged. It'll be okay hun...

[msampson 0]

Your life is not over. God allowed you to concieve that baby. You just have to deal with it. The good news is that you dont have to remove the band while you are pregnant all you have to do is remove the liquids. Your life is not over.