How do you deal with judgements?

[ldswims 0]

As I am weighing this decision I have only told a handful of people. And the response has been varied. Five people to be exact, in addition to the only opinion that matters, my husband.

Husband - very supportive, curious, almost as "excited" as me.

Supervisor/friend - very supportive and encouraging.

Colleague/friend #1 - judgemental...really? surgery? you think THAT is going to help?

Colleague/friend #2 - supportive, understanding, all around just there for me no matter what decision I make.

Friend #1 - judgemental - well you should, you are in bad shape and you HAVE to do something, I'm lucky that I don't have to go to that extreme, but you certainly should. (Interesting tidbit here - she's even bigger than me.)

Friend #2 - judgemental - just keep in mind that you are more likely to fail than succeed, so is surgery really necessary?

So how do you deal with this? What have your experiences been like? What about your experiences with your physician or surgeon? Are they judgemental or helpful? Judgemental or concerned? I will be curious to see how mine behave next week but it will certainly cause more harm than good if they are even remotely negative about me and this.

Sometimes I think that's the worst part about being overweight, fat, heavy, whatever you want to call it. Everyone just assumes you don't want to do anything about it. They cannot seem to understand that I do NOT want to feel or look like this. They don't struggle with weight so therefore this is me not taking care of myself....

I'd love love love to hear about experiences and how you handled it! Thank you so much for listening to me!

[Julia_N 2]

I have been extremely fortunate in that everyone I've told has been very supportive. I was afraid that my personal physician might be against it, but he had just gone to a seminar about the Lap Band and was very enthusiastic. You say your husband is supportive, and that's great! The naysayers are just ignorant. They don't understand how hard we struggle with many everyday life events. They don't understand the lifesaving aspects of the surgery.

I say, a smaller butt will be the best revenge. Don't let them get you down. It's your life and your health that's important. I hope none of the negative folk try to sabotage you. I had that happen several years ago with a diet program I was involved with. A co-worker kept calling it a cult and I listened to his negative attitude and let him talk me out of it. And I gained LOTS of weight after that.

Good luck to you!

[Humming Bird 275]

I have told everyone with one exception. All my family, friends, and whoever I have told have all been very supportive. The one exception: I work several part-time jobs. One of them is owned by a husband & wife who are real snobs and very negative about everything.

I don't want them making comments or knowing any of my personal business about anything. I only took one day off that job for the surgery. Of course they thought it was their business to know what I was having done.

They asked my co-worker. The co-worker and I had already talked about what to tell them when they got nosey. So, she told them I was having vaginal rejuvenation ! It worked like a charm! They are so prude they will never bring it up again. If they ever say anything about my wieght loss, I will just tell them my husband and I have a fun exercise we do often.

[LindaD 3]

I've not faced that sort of thing, and I'm sort of glad. Part of me is thinking "They wouldn't DARE say that to me, even if they are thinking it." LOL I've had some people, prior to my surgery, express concern about surgical risk.

I'm trying to think of how I would respond to those sorts of comments. Maybe with "Well, clearly you have some misinformation about obesity and the effectiveness of these sorts of choices. I'd be glad to help educate you if you have specific questions." Yes, that's a bit pompous but perhaps also deserved given what they said to you.

The truth is obesity is a disease that is about more than just choices made in our heads. We cannot go cold turkey from food so we need to fight the battle (a hard battle that a huge percentage of our population is facing, indicating that the problem is bigger - no pun intended - than any individual being a lazy, gluttonous slob) on a physical front and behavioral front.

Where one is more likely to lose is JUST fighting it on the behavioral front and acting as if the physical part isn't real.

When someone is significant depressed or bipolar or whatever, we don't treat THEM as if it's all in their heads. We help them physically as well as mentally.

Clearly, the fact that so many DO so well after the surgery - lose weight, put in ALL the activity and exercise, make good food choices (easier with the physical help of the surgery) it proves that they were not lazy, gluttonous slobs... the boost that we get from some help on the physiological part is just what we need to succeed.

Good luck. Don't let the bastards get you down.

[kiz 1]

I have to say that I don't deal with judgmental people well, so I didn't tell anyone I was having surgery except my husband, kids, my hairdresser (lol), and a close friend who had band surgery a year earlier. Part of the reason was I knew the weight wouldn't fall off me, so I didn't want people waiting and watching for it to happen. When people started noticing that I was losing, I told my closest friends about my surgery. They were surprised and totally impressed with my results. When I told my mother in law, she said you know I would have told you not to do it, and I said to her that's why I didn't tell her. :thumbup:

[davsil 0]

I guess I've been lucky in this regard. At first I was pretty reserved about who I told. But vitually everyone I told was very supportive. A few asked inappropriate questions but it was more out of curiosity then anything else.

So I've become much more open about having my band put in. And if someone actually gives be a bad time or gets judgemental on me then f**k 'em. I may be fat but at least I'm a good person. And I can get thinner. They're stuck being a**holes. (Sorry for the language.)

If anyone gives you anything but support it says more about them than you. Why would they not want to help you improve yourself and your life??

Good luck to you. Losing all your excess weight will be the best response to the nay-sayers.

[dfav3412 116]

I guess it is just me but I didn't worry about anyone else. And yes, I told everyone that I was having it done. It 2 years later and I am 118 lbs lighter. Get many compliments from people who knew me when I was heavier and 3 have had the sugery because they see what it has done for me with one more going for a semiar this Thursday.:thumbup:

[melmarlem 0]

Remember that misery loves company. Maybe some people will be judgemental but they are the ones you probably don't need in your life anyway. Don't care about what they have to say.

I've told pretty much everyone that I had surgery. Some people seemed shocked but mostly supportive. I've answered 101 questions but I'm glad to do it. I think the more people become educated, the more they are open to the idea of surgery. What really matters is what you WANT and what you KNOW is right for you. It's your health and your life. To hell with everyone else who doesn't want to be supportive :thumbup:. Just my .02.

[crzytchr 3]

So, she told them I was having vaginal rejuvenation ! It worked like a charm! They are so prude they will never bring it up again. If they ever say anything about my wieght loss, I will just tell them my husband and I have a fun exercise we do often.

:thumbup: I love it!!!! I almost spewed my precious Starbucks latte out my nose.

[geeky 0]

I have a very negative and judgmental boss, so I dont think I would tell her or my coworkers. When it comes to people that I don't eat with, or spend my free time with, I would consider it a personal thing, and I dont think I would share it with them. My boyfriend and my mom know that I am going to do it, but even as far as extended family that I dont talk to, I think I would prefer to take the credit instead of giving it away that I cheated :thumbup:

[maddykakers 0]

The only people who know I am going to have the surgery are my parents (who are paying for it as a gift to me) and my fiance. I think they are the only people I will tell. I'm not ashamed at all, I just don't really feel like anyone else needs to know.

[lessofm3 0]

Husband: Very supportive, told me if this is what I think I need he will be behind me 100%.

Office mgr/boss: Very supportive, very happy for me.

Family Physician: Very supportive, gave me literature to read up on it, and recommended two different surgeons.

1 close friend: Not very knowledgeble about the process, but happy for me, and not judgemental.

So far I haven't run into anyone who was not happy or supportive.

Just remember you're doing this for yourself not for anyone else. About the one comment from the person who said something along the lines of you will fail with the surgery, how does this person know this? Where did this person get their information? I've had my band for about 3 1/2 months now and have lost 60 pounds so far. What you don't need right now is someone planting that seed of failure in your mind. If you decided to have this surgery, you need to surround yourself with people who will be supportive of YOUR decision.

Good luck in what you decide.

[lessofm3 0]

I have a very negative and judgmental boss, so I dont think I would tell her or my coworkers. When it comes to people that I don't eat with, or spend my free time with, I would consider it a personal thing, and I dont think I would share it with them. My boyfriend and my mom know that I am going to do it, but even as far as extended family that I dont talk to, I think I would prefer to take the credit instead of giving it away that I cheated :thumbup:

What do you mean you cheated? If you think having this surgery is cheating or taking the easy way out, it certainly is not. Even with the band you have to be very careful of the choices you make with food, you have to have willpower. Just because you have a band wrapped around your stomach does not by any means mean you will lose weight. The band is a tool to help you along. I haven't had a bit of surgar since the surgery, no fried foods, no fatty foods, just lean high Protein foods.

So to say you cheated by having the band, you are cheating yourself of the credit that is due with the weight loss you will potentially experience.

[ldswims 0]

lessofm3 and geeky - Yeah, I don't think this is cheating, either. Just to chime in there. This is one step below about the harshest thing you can do to yourself to aid in permanent weight loss.

lessofm3 - the person that made the comment about the likelihood of failing with this is a friend. She is a nurse anesthetist and is working for a general surgeon who does bariatric procedures, although not the lap-band. She said 70% of the bariatric procedures they do are for people who have to have it removed. And it has to be removed because they did not follow the diet. So her advice was to follow the diet. And, in her mind, obviously I can't do that, so it's likely I will fail - and don't come begging for her help when it happens.

I have told the people I have told because I want to build a support network. And it's apparently not there. :thumbup:

But going back to my failure friend - irony here...about a year ago she had a boob job and liposuction because she was not happy with the way she looked. Never occurred to her to DIET. But she's a bit concerned with appearances and the thought runs through the mind - is she afraid of someone else looking good? We are also neighbors and we live on Wisteria Lane, sometimes.

And then I start thinking - she has a point, really. This whole thing, from what I am reading and now know, isn't really about the band. That's a feedback mechanism. It's a feedback mechanism that goes along with a lot of deprivation. The key here is Portion Control, from what I've learned. And this feedback mechanism lets you know when you haven't handled that well. But if I'm seriously serious about being serious (like that?) then why don't I just work on my portions? Why not restict myself?

That feedback mechanism, though...could really be the difference between success and failure.

[crzytchr 3]

And then I start thinking - she has a point, really. This whole thing, from what I am reading and now know, isn't really about the band. That's a feedback mechanism. It's a feedback mechanism that goes along with a lot of deprivation. The key here is Portion Control, from what I've learned. And this feedback mechanism lets you know when you haven't handled that well. But if I'm seriously serious about being serious (like that?) then why don't I just work on my portions? Why not restict myself?

That feedback mechanism, though...could really be the difference between success and failure.

The difference is that with the band you are satisfied with the restricted portions, so it doesn't feel like deprivation and dieting.