Thinking it's time to move on....but don't know how!

[redrum602 2]

I am 2 yrs post band, down 105lbs. I have been married almost 11 years (since 18 yrs old) no children. Over the last year or so my self-confidence has changed alot - in a positive direction for myself. I am now realizing that possibly the man I have been with for the last 12 years is not the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I am realizing that there are ALOT of other fish in the sea, and there is a possibility that I could find someone that I think I could love stronger and better. However, I don't know how (or really if) I want to break it off with him. I feel like everytime I decide to NOT think about it, I start to develop resentment and negativity towards him for either things he does not do now (that I wish he did) or negative things he had done to me in the past (when I was heavier and more of a pushover).

I have talked to him about this before, and I think he knows how I feel, but I really don't want to bring it up b/c mostly of excuses I make up in my head (I don't want to interfere with his school focus, I don't want to deal with his fits and blowups, I don't want to deal with the finances and up-coming family gatherings right now).

I really just don't know what to do. I sometimes wish that he would just cheat on me or find someone new so I wouldn't feel so bad for wanting to break it off....but I don't forsee that happening, and I don't think that's very healthy. Sometimes I think about cheating on him, but again that's not fair to him AND I don't think I could live with myself with doing that.

I really don't know what to do. I know when I bring this up again with him, he will blow-up and say - fine I am leaving - start packing his bags and somehow screw himself over by dropping out of school (flushing a semester of $10k down the toliet). I wouldn't mid trying marriage counsoling, but I am not initiating it (as I have 3 other times in the past). If he wanted to go, I would go, but I am not setting it up.

Other times I feel like I am super selfish for wanting to move on since we have been through SO much together. But as I look at the past, I realize he was never there enough for me - he always seemed to just be a bystander to things that have occured during the time we have been together (including banding). I truly feel there are real men out there I could find and could be in a happier relationship.

I don't know what to do. I just feel like a big chicken for not being able to go through with this.

[cwm812 11]

Sometimes I think that it takes more courage to stay instead of moving on. I've been with my husband for alot of years and for at least half of them, I thought about leaving regularly. My husband is like most of them, pretty good, but far from perfect. He loves me, but he also drives me crazy. I was lucky that I didn't marry as young as you did and I sure dated my share of losers. I'm not telling you to stay with your husband, but I've had more than one friend divorce, only to find out that there is no perfect partner. I always ask myself the Dear Abbie question, are you better off with him or without him? If you are sure of the answer, go for it. At least there are no kids involved and you aren't messing with their lives. That was one of the things that always stopped me and I'm glad it did. Honestly, we are in a great phase of our marriage right now and I've never been happier. In fairness, I'm a pretty happy person and if I had left, I'm sure I'd have found a way to be happy, too. I'm sure you'll make a good decision. You're thinking it through and that's what counts.

Cindy

Cindy

[ParrotheadCathy 0]

They call it "tough love". Tell him that you've initiated marital counseling three times before, that you still believe that route has merit but if he wants to work on this, then he has to pick a counselor and make the appointment. Reassure him that you will go, that you will work on this but that he has to prove his commitment to that by doing this first. If he doesn't, then you may truly have come to the end of the line. But talk to him, tell him what you are willing to do, invest (if you prefer looking at it that way) in the relationship, and tell him that you need to see the same commitment from him.

[dragonflylover 0]

Congrats on your weight loss btw..

I don't know you or your hubby... but from what i read. it seems you have had a realization that your not happy. I have been in a similiar situation. I was with my boyfriend for 8 yrs. (since i was 14) I literally woke up one day and said. this is the day. i slowly broke it off with him. he was a very sensitive man.. so it was hard for me being that i am a very compassionate person. I even had the same feelings of maybe he would meet someone.. or tell me he was gay .. anything!! I didn't hate him for anything.. i just realized I live once.. and other than wanting something more.. i felt like i was leading him on. I had to make the decision for the both of us because if i left it to him, we would be together still.. i went through months of sadness because i had a hard time dealing with the fact i hurt someone.. but... it was the best decision i made. i gave him sooooooo long to get over our breakup. i remained friends.. i talked to him when he had a bad day.. i helped him with relationship advise. NOTHING worked. I moved on. he became an alcoholic. and you know what.. i really don't care anymore. it's been 6 yrs since the breakup and i haven't talked to him in maybe 3 / 4 yrs or so. i am happily married with my soul mate.. and we have a beautiful daughter..

I can't advise you do anything but follow your heart. stay strong, think it over twice, and if you really feel you need to move on.. go for it!

best of luck.. i'm sure you will make the best decision..

[RestlessMonkey 7]

Actually how you sound to me is conflicted. If it was cut and dried, if you were sure, you'd be gone.

I think maybe YOU need some counseling. First, although I know people can find true love any where at any age etc, you were VERY young when you married. Secondly, losing a lot of weight is life changing. Very likely you are different, he is not.

Some therapy to help you see what you want, why, how, etc can only be a good thing. You may find out that what he "has", his attributes, are what you want. You may find out you are not the same woman you were, and that love has changed or gone. But it is only prudent after that many years to give yourself some time and room to think it over and decide.

I am NOT a believer in staying together because you "should". But because in your post you sound like you aren't sure what you want, give yourself time to figure it out. There are no guarantees in this old world and you may stay and hate it, or you may go and hate it (or vice versa for both) but a good therapist can help you discover and understand the new "you"; and that new "you" can help you figure out what you want.

[katmeow 0]

I would recommend a book my minister gave me and my second husband before our wedding called "The Five Languages of Love". We both agreed had we had that book in our first marriages we may never have gotten divorced. It works best if both of you read it and work it. But if you husband wants a better marriage I am sure he would do this. Good luck, and great job on the weight loss.

[123crod 170]

I would recommend a book my minister gave me and my second husband before our wedding called "The Five Languages of Love". We both agreed had we had that book in our first marriages we may never have gotten divorced. It works best if both of you read it and work it. But if you husband wants a better marriage I am sure he would do this. Good luck, and great job on the weight loss.

I agree I think that is an excellent book and you can learn a lot about yourself and your husband. Also I want to say something that I have noticed about some people including myself once when I lost a lot of weight. Sometimes we become full of ourselves and think that maybe we settled or stayed because no one else would want us. I say that as nicely as possible because I am not trying to judge you. Like I said it happened to me when I lost a large amount of weight in the past. I love my husband so much but was not sure what to do with myself or how to handle the weight lost and it just played with all aspects of my life.:biggrin:

[thinoneday 445]

I am 2 yrs post band, down 105lbs. I have been married almost 11 years (since 18 yrs old) no children. Over the last year or so my self-confidence has changed alot - in a positive direction for myself. I am now realizing that possibly the man I have been with for the last 12 years is not the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I am realizing that there are ALOT of other fish in the sea, and there is a possibility that I could find someone that I think I could love stronger and better. However, I don't know how (or really if) I want to break it off with him. I feel like everytime I decide to NOT think about it, I start to develop resentment and negativity towards him for either things he does not do now (that I wish he did) or negative things he had done to me in the past (when I was heavier and more of a pushover).

I have talked to him about this before, and I think he knows how I feel, but I really don't want to bring it up b/c mostly of excuses I make up in my head (I don't want to interfere with his school focus, I don't want to deal with his fits and blowups, I don't want to deal with the finances and up-coming family gatherings right now).

I really just don't know what to do. I sometimes wish that he would just cheat on me or find someone new so I wouldn't feel so bad for wanting to break it off....but I don't forsee that happening, and I don't think that's very healthy. Sometimes I think about cheating on him, but again that's not fair to him AND I don't think I could live with myself with doing that.

I really don't know what to do. I know when I bring this up again with him, he will blow-up and say - fine I am leaving - start packing his bags and somehow screw himself over by dropping out of school (flushing a semester of $10k down the toliet). I wouldn't mid trying marriage counsoling, but I am not initiating it (as I have 3 other times in the past). If he wanted to go, I would go, but I am not setting it up.

Other times I feel like I am super selfish for wanting to move on since we have been through SO much together. But as I look at the past, I realize he was never there enough for me - he always seemed to just be a bystander to things that have occured during the time we have been together (including banding). I truly feel there are real men out there I could find and could be in a happier relationship.

I don't know what to do. I just feel like a big chicken for not being able to go through with this.

Bless your heart! I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I've been with my hubbie 31 years and have been with him since I've been 17. Not only are we 19 years apart, we are of a different culture too. . .it is very hard to keep a marriage together (heavens dont I know that!) but we literally "raised" each other, we've had our ups and downs big time, and there was a period we did "take a break" from each other, but we kept "seeing" each other, no one had another partner. . this went on for about 1 year. . . we worked it out and again got together. . . we have 2 grown kids together, we've put each other through college, put 1 kid to college (the other refused) and in our now times we have come to realize that we are each other's best friend. . .we're not incredibly romantic mind you, but after 31 years who wants to hop into the sack every two seconds anyhow. . . we are best friends, we sit outside on the weekend morning with nothing to say, we are just together eating Breakfast and drinking coffee for about 2 - 3 hours. . .then we do whatever, he goes does his thing, I do mine, but we are always there for each other. Decisions are never made alone, we do it together. . we always know each others plans, just so we know whats happening with the other person. . . I support him, he supports me (except with this band thing, he is scared I'll die, but we're getting there) he has been a great dad to the kids, and a good providing husband, he is my best friend and should something ever happen to him (God forbid) I would be lonely and miss him terribly, but I would never marry again. . . after thinking about it, there isn't a man on this earth that could fill his shoes and it would be very unfair to that person cause I would always be comparing them to my best friend. . .and not only that, but would I really want someone coming into my life and telling me what to do, how to do it, when to do it? NO NEVER AGAIN. . . hope this helps a bit. . . always remember what made you fall in love with him in the first place and then ask would it really be worth it? Good luck and may all that motivate you be with you during this difficult time. . .

[L12 13]

I agree with Restless Monkey. Before you burn any bridges, I think you would benefit from individual counseling to help you sort out why you are having these feelings and determine what you really want.

[sndycnrd 1]

My heart breaks for you. I went through a similiar situation - married 12 years when I left.

Only you know what you should do. Nobody knows your situation like you do.

I can only say that I met and married the love of my life. Married to him for 19 yeas. :seeya:

[Lana24 10]

Hi redrum,

Like the other posters I too have been in a similar situation. The way I thought about it was like this, I have love for him, but I don't think I'm really all that in love with him. So its not fair to hold on to someone else out of fear for myself because its selfish. And not letting him have the opportunity to be loved by someone who really could was in my mind mean and more selfishness.

I would in no way encourage breaking up, but the truth is in your feelings for him.

I also in no way would encourage staying in any situation waht you were not 100% happy with, could work with or could change for the better.

Good luck,

Lana