Shrinking Violets - Part 5!

[Daisalana 33]

I'm a bad MOD, I don't get involved in the fights, if I do anything it's all behind the scenes.

Yup sounds like me, if I ever try to say anything about the situation, she gets mad at ME. But if I ignore it, it drives me nuts (when she complains to me). I wanna shake her and go HELLLOOOOOO.

She now uses Carson, saying that was her baby once and blah blah.. but she isn't HELPING her, she's HURTING her. Might as well be injecting sister's veins for her.

[suzyt 0]

Laura,

I am sorry that you and your family don't agree on what is best for your sister. HUGS

[HeatherO 7]

Sorry, long post but I have been away from LBT for a little while.

Jane, I know Excel inside and out. Go to Tools, AutoCorrect Options, go to the AutoCorrect tab and scroll down to replace “h s a” with “h a s” and delete the line. Your problem will be permanently solved (If you have the same version as me) without turning off AutoCorrect altogether.

Judy, I hope the Bobster is feeling much better. He will be in my ‘hood if he is coming to Cleveland. You and Ethan have been fimming so much this year . . . what will you do once the pool is closed??? :0)

I am happy Grady is sleeping through the night. Ayla has moved to her own room and has been sleeping through the night most nights for several weeks now . . . and I feel like a new woman. It is just too hard to go through the day in zombie mode while not drinking coffee because you are breastfeeding.

Michelle, I so wanna go to Disney. Maybe when Ayla’s is a couple of years older we may just have to go. I also clean before every trip because I love to come home to a perfect house. :0)

Haydee, I have never been to New Orleans but I really would love to see it one day. I love Cajun cooking and my mother was from the south so I was raised with a southern influence as far as what we ate as children. I am so jealous of the new car. I am soo ready for a new one but am not sure what I want. Splitting tasks with Juan is a great idea . . . you will need that if you have a new baby for sure.

Laura, Can you get some kind of guarantee or something if they replace the port and it doesn’t fix the issue? Too bad you can’t pay half for a half-assed cleaning job. Maybe your parents can have a “talk” with the letter sender but have a recording device ($25 bucks at Radio Shack and records great which can be downloaded to a computer). The law here says you can record conversations as long as one party (your parents) are aware of the recording and as long as they don’t try to blackmail or threaten the other party with it. Maybe if they phrase it correctly and really know the person well, they can get them to admit they sent it. I’m sorry about what is going on with your sister. Being an enabler always does more harm than good. It sucks to be in the middle.

Suzy, Are you doing foster care? I did it for years when my son was young. I don’t think they ever mentioned a tetanus shot. Just background checks, house inspections, home studies and training credits required.

Kat, moderating is a pain. I don’t really spend much time on other threads anymore because of some of the childishness or I am bored with the gazillion variations of the same old thread. I wonder if that is why most posters are newbies, long time bandsters seem to drift away. I can think of a couple of posters that I don’t bother to read anything they write anymore. One in particular is an opinionated, religiously oriented person who is constantly looking down her nose at everyone who has the slightest difference of opinion in the rants section. This bores me so much that I stop looking at some threads that I usually find interesting. It is this thread (and the pregnancy threads for most of the past year) that keep me coming back. Laura mentioned something about people wanting Susan to step down . . . I think that would be terrible because from what I have seen, she seems to be a very valuable and welcome resource here.

I am not a TV kind of person but I watched Glee when I was feeding the baby. I thought it was funny and very entertaining . . . I am definitely going to look for it again in the future.

Edited September 24, 2009 by HeatherO
cleanup

[Haydee 2]

oooohh laura, harsh but true...

I guess I don't understand because I'm not a mom?

[kity 2]

Laura and Haydee,

I am not a mom...but I am a daughter that dealt w/ the same type of crap (instead of drugs, it was irresponsibility and not helping, when I was busting my ass to help w/ her and grandpa). They "get mad" at you because they can. They KNOW you are right, and know that they can get angry w/ you because you will still be there for them. In part, it is their way of being mad w/ the ones they are dealing with.

You should not back down, nor should you cause them more headaches (and heartaches...I can't imagine). But stand your ground, speak your mind, and be there for them when they vent. When they get mad at you for your opinion, then let them...but they will get over it.

By saying nothing, you are enabling the enabler...and the cycle continues. Tread lightly, be supportive, but don't not say it...whether they know/like it enough, they need to hear it.

I don't envy you ladies, especially your moms and can't imagine what Laura's mom is going through. Terry is a better resource for this...but I do know, she stood her ground when she needed to. Right/wrong or indifferent, it is what her DS needed.

That is my 2cents...observation went well. Off to make plans for MOnday and Tuesday since I am at meetings!

[suzyt 0]

Heather -- yes, I am in the process of being approved as a foster parent! The physical was the last thing I had to do as I have already completed the required classes, had the home visit by the social worker, had the fire marshal come visit, documented my life history, etc. That injection site is still quite sore, but I'll live!!

I guess I'm going to stay on this tread and possibly only this thread from now on -- it's crazy out there!! Will you keep me??

Have a good day, ladies!!

[Daisalana 33]

That's why I am so incredibly proud of Terry for standing her ground. I watch my mom and it is so frustrating knowing, we all know, she knows.. what needs to be done, and until she does it, nothing will ever change.

So hearing Terry do what she's suppose to do to REALLY help, I am so proud and glad to know it can be done!! I know it's hard, my mom still can't seem to do it.

[kity 2]

LOL...I just popped on the pjtp thread during prep. WTF?? I am reminded why I only check in w/ ya'll...can't stand that. Too funny though, even though I didn't really get it. Oh well. I like it right here just fine. I guess everyone was mean to Susan (I liked her when I used to roam about) and then Alex kicked a bunch of people off.

OK...back to real like, and the violets. I swear, some people have TOO much time on their hands.

[Teachlady 3]

Good afternoon, Violets..

Ahhhhhhh just in from the last swim in the pool. I turned the heater off and started draining the Water. It's all vacuumed out so just a matter of the pool people coming and putting the winter chemicals in. sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Suzy and Heather.. You are certainly Violets in my opinion!! Hope you stay with us!!! We have a great group and I'm pleased.

Heather.. Bob is right across the street from the baseball stadium. It's going to kill him not to be able to go to the Tigers game tonight. He has meetings. But he is going to go to the R & R hall of fame when he gets a chance.

The only other thread I visit regularly is the Before and After picture thread. Other than that, I have enough time for this thread and Facebook. That's my day in a nutshell!

Off to my first rehearsal. This one is flutes. The one at 7 is singing. The busy life of a musician!!

BBL...

[Haydee 2]

Suzy - that's awesome that you're gonna be a foster mom! What made you decide to do it?

Thanks Pam - great advice. I'm just gonna keep voicing my opinion about things and just deal with her anger. I know she's not mad at me! I'm not doing anything wrong!

Judy - aww poor Bob! He can't skip one of his meetings, LOL? Or stay an extra day??

Heather - i agree, same variation of the same old thread. same people bickering with the same people, putting down the same people...no time for that. I want to visit with my peeps and hear about whats going on with your life...

Michelle - how does Kayak work? When I visited it looks just like Orbitz or Travelocity, no?

[HeatherO 7]

Heather -- yes, I am in the process of being approved as a foster parent! The physical was the last thing I had to do as I have already completed the required classes, had the home visit by the social worker, had the fire marshal come visit, documented my life history, etc. That injection site is still quite sore, but I'll live!!

Congratulations and good luck. What ages are you considering???

Being a foster parent can be so rewarding but emotionally taxing as well. I found for me that I had a really tough time letting them go. I am still in touch with two of them from time to time 10 years later, lol. I really enjoyed it for the most part.

One thing that really amazed and saddened me is that some of the kids had been bounced from house to house to house and had actually had very bad things happen to them while inside other foster homes. Not everyone who provides a home for children actually care for them or try to protect them.

One other thing that you should be cognizant of is that sometimes caseworkers are not completely honest with you. This is not meant to scare you but I just want you to be aware that caseworkers have to find placements for their children. I had one that was dishonest with me so she could make a a placement and gave me a distaste for the system. Every other caseworker I had was good to excellent.

I had a child in my home for about 1.5 years who was 16 years old, developmentally delayed and was in special classes and suffered from bipolar disorder. He was a real sweety 80% of the time when his medication levels were stable. Sometimes he would be too excited and couldn't settle and would be virtually bouncing off the walls. Other times he would be very sad and broken hearted and didn't want to go to school.

He was occasionally challenging but the rewarding times far exceeded the challenging times. He was one of those children that did not really have much prospects for adoption due to his age and his special needs . . . and also I am sorry to say this, it was also hard to place him because he was biracial as well and even just 10 short years ago it was more difficult than it is today. The caseworker said it was really hard to even find a foster home for him because of these things.

One day when this child was having a bad day, he was upstairs in his room and started throwing things. He put a hole in the wall, threw stuff out of the 2nd floor window onto the roof, was upset and almost inconsolable. I sat with him for awhile and started talking him down (I mean consoling and trying to calm him). When he was in a state, you had to stay calm and relaxing in order to get him back to normal - anger or threats of grounding would only make it worse.

He calmed down and helped me clean up his room. I went out on the roof to bring things inside, and lo and behold I saw soggy pink pills on the roof (it must not have rained for a couple of days). They were the little pink pills he had to take and for several days before bed he must have been keeping hem in his mouth until I walked out of the room and then spitting them on the roof right outside his window.

Well, no wonder things were a little out of hand. I knew he was not himself. Later that same day my son came downstairs upset. He said that the boy kept calling him into his room and he thinks he is hiding in the closet but my son didn't want to go. Well, I went upstairs, looked in his closet and he was in there with no pants on.

As a parent it scared me half to death and I panicked. I called the caseworker and said she had to find another placement for him immediately and that it wasn't working out any longer. We talked about the issues and I also talked carefully with my child to make sure he wasn't abused in anyway and he said he wasn't. I also took him to a child psychologist to be evaluated and talk about the issues and the psychologist also said that he didn't feel that he was abused in any way, he seemed happy and normal for a 7.5 year old. I thank God to this day that he wasn't harmed and I still pray for the child that was in my home that suffered a horrible life and had considerable challenges. Even to this day I still have love and affection for him regardless of what happened if that makes any sense.

Later I met with the manager of the caseworker and said I wanted to review his file further and find out more about what happened to him and if he was getting counseling and find out where he went. I was heartbroken for him as well because now my home was just one of too many to count that had rejected him over the years.

At that time I discovered that one of the reasons he was placed in care in the first place was due to sexual abuse by his father (this was not told to me previously, I was only told about neglect and an inability to deal with his issues). The reason he was removed from the prior home was because he beat a small child with a coat hanger (I was told that they thought it was too difficult with his mood swings and medication needs . . . it just wasn't a good fit). There was also a complaint in another home about inappropriate behaviors around smaller children.

The manager at that point had changed his classification that he was not to be put in a home with younger children any longer. He was then considered a restricted placement which made the likelihood of a good placement even more difficult.

Later he was placed with an older African-American couple that were heavily involved with the church and were well versed in his history. I met them and they were very nice. I also met with him a couple of times afterwards and although he was sad he wasn't in my home any longer, he was happy with his new school and the couple he was living with. I met with them because I wanted him to know that I missed him and still cared for him.

If the caseworker had been honest with me, I wouldn't have accepted him for a placement because of the areas of "concern" regarding smaller children. She knew this and decided it was OK to hide this so that she could make the placement. She thought it was OK to risk the well-being of my child by not being honest about the past. I found that she dissapeared from the agency when I asked about her 2 weeks later and I suspect my complaints had something to do with that.

So, long story, but strong word of advice. You need to review the full file so that you have a complete history on any child they consider placing with you. I doubt this kind of thing happens often, but it does happen. I was so broken up about this that I never took another new child afterwards and just kept the other child living in my home for another year or so until he moved on. I just didn't have the heart for it anymore because I feel like in some ways I failed that child by giving him up so abruptly but there was no other choice for me.

[HeatherO 7]

Sorry if the last post was too long . . . it was just an emotional memory for me that makes me want to explain it well.

[Haydee 2]

Oh Heather, I agree. It was a hard decision but one you had to make...

You ladies are so strong to be able to take this on and I admire you greatly. You give up so much when you agree to take on foster children but I think that the benefits you reap from it are worth it.

Suzy - you are embarking on an adventure and I hope you stick around to tell us about it!

[suzyt 0]

Heather -- thanks for your advice!! I hate to hear stories like that, but I know that they are out there. I just hope that if I were to be in a situation like that, that I can handle it and keep everyone safe. Don't beat yourself up over doing what you had to for your son -- he is your highest priority, always! You kept in touch with the other boy and let him know that you still care about him and that's the most important part of foster care.

I am not sure how I will handle having to give one up especially if it is a situation I don't agree with....but I'll deal with that when it happens!

I have said that I would like to have younger kids (potty-trained) through maybe 10 or 11. I am not ready for the teen-aged stuff yet!! I think there's a reason God gives them to you young, so you can grow into the role as they get bigger!!

My Dad is not totally on board with this but they live in Indiana. I know he just worries about me and doesn't want to see me get hurt. He also is not a big fan of kids in general -- they are loud, messy and energetic!! Maybe when I am 77, I'll understand?

Haydee -- I've been thinking of being a foster parent off and on for a couple of years. I always thought I would be married and have kids of my own but that hasn't happened. This way I can still have kids to care for and hopefully make their life a little better in the process. If I can convince one child that what has happened to them is not their fault and that they are loveable, it will have been worth it!!

Since I have room for two girls, I am hoping to get siblings so that they feel comfortable that they still have each other in this 'scary' new place. Maybe they won't learn too quickly that they can gang up on me.....

[mdrai 3]

Hey girls...

No time for personals... have a few more things to do before hitting the hay and then waking right back up again... + I think ds's girlfriend broke up w/him tonight @ his soccer game (wtf?), so need to be there for him.

Laura, I'm proud of you. You're in the right. Hang in there.

Everyone have a great weekend & I'll see you on Wednesday!! :mad:

0 days 'til Disney!