Am I being unreasonable?? Need Opinions

[Bensmum1109 0]

I really need some advice about a situation I am in.

If anyone read my post in the "are you a closet bandster" thread you will know that I have only told my husband and parents about my surgery. I initially did not intend to tell my parents, but my husband encouraged me to because I am very close to them.

As for my colleagues, friends, and the rest of my family, they all think I had surgery for an instestinal blockage (which I actually did have, but it is GONE after 2 weeks of liquid-YAY!! I'm still on meds for it, though).

My parents have been traveling and are currently in Italy. My mother called my sister-in-law last week, and apparently they had a conversation in which my mother revealed to my sister-in-law that I had the LapBand surgery. She alleges that the reason she told my SIL is because my SIL asked her if she knew I had surgery, and my mother's reply was "we knew about it before we left" (they were in Italy when I had the surgery). My SIL then proceeded to tell her that she was under the impression that it had been emergency surgery (this girl NEVER gets her stories straight-one of the reasons I did not want her to know- I called my brother, her husband beforehand and told him it was a minor procedure, the surgery FOR THE BLOCKAGE and absolutely nothing to worry about), SO MY MOTHER JUST WENT AHEAD AND TOLD HER.

Am I justified to be livid?? I am not speaking to my mother and refuse to even pick my parents up from the airport. There is absolutely no way my parents could not have understood me when I said "the only people that I am telling about this are the two of you and Jim (my husband). DO NOT TELL ANYONE THAT I AM GETTING THIS PROCEDURE." My mother is not even apologizing for it- instead she is pissed at me for lying about what kind of surgery I had to my SIL, AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF my SIL is mad because she was under the impression that I had a life threatening health problem (which is not what I said). I actually did and DO have life threatening health problems, which is one of the reasons why my doctor allowed me to have this procedure with a 34.9 starting BMI. Obviously the weight loss will help me with my health problems, which is the main reason I decided to do this.

We all know how misinformed people are about this procedure, and we all know how judgemental people are who have never struggled with their weight (my mother and SIL fall into this category). Additionally, my SIL is the one in the family with the reputation of never being able to keep a secret, and like I said before, always getting the story wrong. My guess is that within a few months the rest of my family members are going to think I had a gastric bypass because I didn't think I looked pretty enough, and I am going to have to correct them, educate them, and force some research on them.

Am I being unreasonable to be furious and devastated over this?

[Parvathi 2]

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, but that said, if your family is anything like mine, you tell one, you might as well tell the whole lot.

Last year, my SIL was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. My brother told my mom and instructed her not to tell anyone. She of course, was concerned and believing in the power of prayer as she does, told me. My brother was furious when he found out, but eventually got over it.

Same thing happened with my band. I told my parents, but did not intend to tell the rest of the family. It slowly got around. I was annoyed, but in the end I figured, perhaps this will help other family members in the end (my whole family is over weight). Yes, when I go home I will have to educate them on the band and that will really get on my nerves, but so far, they've all been supportive.

As your SIL was under the impression that your surgery was an emergency one, your Mom was probably just trying to set her straight, as messed up as that may seem lol. You're justified in being peeved, but perhaps just explain to her calmly about why you wanted it a secret and try to move on.

Life's too short to remain upset with those you love. I wish you the best of luck getting this all sorted out.

[divaliciousdee 0]

Well I understand you being angry with your mama for leaking it to your SIL. DO not stop talking with your mother because of it. Not getting them from the airport is well...a bit childish. There is a post on here where someone lost their mother to cancer, you still have your mother here cherish that. Every second you stay angry is a second lost to have that special time to enjoy her. I know you want to keep it on the low but don't let it ruin your relationship with your mama. Life is too short, and you don't want to ever have to say if only I would have talked to her one last time or if I could turn back the hands of time I would have done. What is done is done, be the bigger person if she doesn't apologize forgive her anyway. Just know now that she can't keep a secret(LOL). Don't tell her anything else that you want to keep secret. What mama doesn't know won't hurt her....or you.. LOL

DeeDee

[rorysmom 0]

could it be that your mom thought your sister was referring to the LB surgery?

[sleepyjean 0]

I would be very angry too. It's not like your mother had to lie. She could have told SIL to ask YOU that question. You have a right to your feelings and if you don't want to pick up your parents you don't have to (unless they have no other way to get home.)

This is the worst kind of situation - when the other person is in the wrong and not only refuses to admit it, but tries to turn it back on you. Having said that, you had to know deep down, that if you told ANYONE at all, you risked everyone else finding out. So if I were you, I'd just say "Mom, I confided in you and I'm upset because you broke my trust. I understand you have a different point of view and that's your prerogative. I know now that it's not always a good idea to share confidential information with you, and I will be careful not to do that in the future."

Just tell her the truth. Get it off your chest, and then try to put it behind you.

[Lynn B 0]

I told everyone about my surgery - family, friends, strangers - but I still need to explain and correct them about the differences, retrictions, rules etc for the procedure. I don't mind doing that because even if it doesn't help them, it may make them more tolerant of others they meet that are taking the same journey. I feel that I am helping myself and others by being vocal about my choices.

That being said - I know that other prefer not to be as vocal as I (can't keep me quiet) and you have every right to be mad. It was not fair for your Mom to discuss something that you asked her not to, but she is your Mom and you can't be mad at her for ever. I would sit her down at some point (don't wait to long) and explain why you felt she should know and your personal reasons for not wanting anyone else to know. Let her know that you are disappointed that she broke the trust you shared.

As for your SIL, email her some info on the band with a note that you would prefer to keep your personal medical issues personal and ask that she read through the info so that in the very least if she must gossip that she be an informed gossip.

Sorry your secret is out before you wished to be but maybe in the long run you will end up helping someone else with your knowledge of this procedure.

Good luck,

[vinesqueen 2]

well first off, you can't reason with emotions.... they're just so darn emotional.

This is the main reason I'm not a closet bandster. I'm just not willing to put someone in the postition of *having* to keep a stupid secret. I don't want to be the source of conflict anywhere, and being banded is just no big deal. Of course, I don't care what anyone thinks of me, and I sure don't care what the gossip mill has to say.

And Yes, I have lived in towns so small they had dirt roads, and the big news was when they got a traffic light out at the highway.

Life is too short to have to keep secrets that don't matter. My career is security, so I have to keep secrets that matter. My band isnt' one of them, and I shouldn't make other people keepers of my vanity.

I think you put your mother in a postition that was uncomfortable and unnecessary. Maybe you should appologise to her for putting her in that position.

[Bensmum1109 0]

Rorysmom, my mother didn't think that my sister-in-law was referring to LapBand surgery. My SIL told her it was for an intestinal blockage.

And don't worry guys, my parents do have a ride home from the airport. My brother and sister-in-law will get them.

I guess I just need some time to get over it. This is the first time (to my knowledge, anyway) that my Mom has betrayed my trust, and I am still in shock that she did it. The whole thing just kind of makes me want to get a little space from all of them and spend time with my husband and son. In fact, I just booked us in Lake Tahoe for Thanksgiving so we don't have to do the whole family thing. Snowboarding, gambling, shopping, just the three of us-that's my kind of Thanksgiving!!!

I still have another week before Mom and Dad get home. Maybe I will feel a little less angry about this by then. And of course I will forgive her at some point, but I will be a lot more careful about what I tell her forever, and that is probably what upsets me the most. I have never had to censor myself with her before, but I guess I'll have to.

[rorysmom 0]

ahh. ok. yes, i would be peeved. since it's the first time she's betrayed your trust, maybe your reaction will ensure that it doesn't happen again.

but i'm sure you'll give her a big hug/kiss again. sometime.

tahoe sounds fun!

[fee 0]

like others have said life is too short

talk to your mum as this is not worth losing your family over

its a band and i dont really see a problem if others know

when i get banded everyone already knows and if they dont like the idea, well then i really dont care, cause its me thats living with the band not them

[chichigirl 1]

I understand your hurt, anger and frustration with you mother. I went through something similar with my parents and didn't talk to them for over ten years, during which that time, I suffered a heart attack, open heart surgery, cancer, hysterectomy, gall bladder removed and carpel tunnel surgery on each hand. My parents knew about all of this because my baby brother kept them informed, but he didn't betray me and give out my phone number, which I had asked him not to do. When I finally decided enough was enough, I called them. I spoke to my father first who simply said, what did I do, why wouldn't you talk to me? My mother said that she knew I would call eventually so she wasn't worried. After not talking to people for ten years you'd think they'd get the message, but not my folks. They still don't have a clue and it's now been close to 20 years ago that happened. I still talk with them, but it's limited at best. Sometimes things just go that way.

I know that you are angry with your mom for telling someone after you had asked her not to, but you know what, maybe people need to hear more about it, the surgery I mean, and how we feel about making our decisions to do it. I'm not saying you should tell everyone if you're not comfortable with it, but why are we hiding. What are we so ashamed of? Personally I'm proud I made the decision I did and don't really give a damn what others think about it. If they really care about me, they'll ask me and I will tell them everything that lead me to my decision and how it works. Period. I am trying to educate those who are interested, the others, who cares, they're not very bright in being so judgemental and self-rightous (spel) so who needs 'em?

Do what you need to do. We can't choose our family but we can choose whether we are going to take their abuse or disrespect as well as their love. You'll calm down, and so will she and that would be a better time to talk if that's what you want. If not, only you know what's best for you.

Good Luck!

Sorry you are having to go through this, it stinks.

Cindy