Who To Tell?

[After909 0]

Hi everyone, I'm almost a week away from getting banded. I've told three of the four people closest to me, but I'm having so much trouble with trying to tell the fourth - one of my parents. I'm 20 and my family are the most important people in my life. I've had quite a battle trying to bring those I have told around to accepting my decision to have the surgery done (it's taken a year of talking it all through to get them to understand). Even now, they're dubious about my choice, but are respecting it and being really supportive. I'm feeling so guilty about not telling this one person, but while I feel able to defend my decision with the rest of my family, with this one person I just feel so awful when I think of telling them.

I'm not entirely sure why, I think there are a lot of issues there. I just couldn't take their reaction right now, right before I'm about to go through with it. I also think I'm sort of dreading having to 'own up' to how out of control I've felt with food for most of my life, and coming out and saying that I've had major self esteem issues because of how I look, and this surgery is how I mean to fix it (or at least address and try to deal with it).

I'm close with both of my parents, but somehow this is just so hard for me. Am I being selfish? Do both of my parents have a right to know about this - am I just avoiding taking responsibility and standing by my choices? What I really don't want is for this person to find out later and feel really hurt that I didn't tell them. Or, worst of all (I can barely stand to think of it), if something went wrong during the surgery and they found out that way. I don't know, I'm so worried about this. Any advice?

[Chris61 0]

I did not mention anything to my mom and dad until long after having surgery, I felt that this was for me and that I did not need to explain why I wanted this. If you have any more questions e-mail and ask.

Chris

[123crod 170]

I do not think you have to tell anyone but those you want to know. It is a very personal choice, for your health and happiness. Don't set your self up for rejection or hurt if you think that is what will happen. You need to be in a good state of mind for your upcoming journey. Good Luck!

[After909 0]

"I felt that this was for me and that I did not need to explain why I wanted this."

Thanks for the reply Chris, I definitely agree with you that it's important to make this decision for yourself, so that's what I'm going to try and keep in mind.

"Don't set your self up for rejection or hurt if you think that is what will happen. You need to be in a good state of mind for your upcoming journey. Good luck!"

Thank you! Yeah, I do want to tell all of the people closest to me eventually, but right now when I'm already trying to keep positive about the surgery and not let my fears get to me, I don't think I could take having a big debate about it and having to defend my decision all over again. Thanks for the advice :-)

[melmarlem 0]

I just had surgery a little over a week ago, and I'm pretty close to your age. For me, telling the people closest to me was a big relief. I initially made my pre-op appointments without telling a soul. I had everything planned out and set in stone. When it came time to telling my parents I was terrified of what they would say, if they would support me or not. But I was really surprised! It took a little bit of convincing for my dad, but in the end he said, "I just want you to be happy, and if this will make you happy, then I'll stand by you." I can't tell you how important it was for me to have my mom and dad with me on the day of my surgery last week. I can't imagine going through it without them. You need all of the support you can get right now!

In my opininon, you should definitely tell both of your parents. Yes, you are an adult and you don't HAVE to tell them, but I think you'll feel better if you do. Give them a chance, maybe they WILL support you. Also, is it fair to have one parent know, and not the other? It's a lot to ask for one parent to keep a secret from another. Either way, the other parent is going to find out. Why not tell them now? So you can have complete and total peace on your surgery day.

Either way you decide, best wishes to you! :thumbup:

[LindaD 3]

You are very mature and well-spoken for your age. That had to be said. :lol

I told my parents and my family that I was going to have it done, but then I didn't tell them when it was scheduled. I called them that evening and said "Guess what I had done today?" Everyone worries about the patient croaking on the table (though I had a c-section and don't remember a single person panicking over that... Hmmm...)

Anyway, perhaps that's another way. Go through and do what you need to do, and then tell them as a fait acompli. The fear-of-death will be mostly past and it might be easier for them to accept.

[After909 0]

For me, telling the people closest to me was a big relief. [...] I can't tell you how important it was for me to have my mom and dad with me on the day of my surgery last week.

Hey melmarlem, thanks for the advice. I had my surgery a couple of days ago, it seems to have gone fine, I'm just recovering at the moment. Congrats on your surgery! Yay we're bandsters! :thumbup:

I didn't end up telling my Dad, and I'm still thinking about when I will tell him. I know I'll have to come clean about it in the near future, and I take on board all that you're saying, it's ultimately worse to keep putting it off and worrying about it. I know it would be better to just get it over with and be open about my decision. But I can't face the idea right now.

My parents are divorced and I guess my weight is just one of those things I've never been able to talk about with my Dad. I can't imagine him ever understanding why I'd go and do this, but I know that I ought to just accept that he maybe won't understand, but he still deserves to know about it. I don't think I could have gone through with the surgery if I hadn't had the support of the rest of my family, so I know what you mean about it being a massive comfort, especially on surgery day and immediately after. Don't know what I'd have done without them.

You are very mature and well-spoken for your age. That had to be said. :lol

Aw shucks, thanks Linda!

Go through and do what you need to do, and then tell them as a fait acompli.

Yeah, this is the sort of thing I settled on. I think that telling people pre-op leaves a lot more room for arguing and others trying to talk you out of it, but once you've done it, it sort of shows just how serious you were, and then once you tell people, it's not a case of asking for their permission, it's more about asking them to come to terms with it. Still, I don't feel happy about keeping secrets from family, so maybe the thing to do is set a date and make sure I've told my Dad by then, so it doesn't feel like I'm just putting it off as long as I can.

Thanks for all the replies, this forum is a big help!

[melmarlem 0]

Congratulations on becoming a bandster! Hope you're feeling well!

[JUKU 1]

You are by no means being selfish. I have a "strained" relationship with my dad as well and was so nervous to tell him. I knew my mom would be supportive no matter what, but just didn't know how dad would react. He took it ok, did have a few questions for me before hand. But since surgery, hasn't really mentioned it or even asked how I am doing or gee, you look great (I'm down 60 pounds). Anyway, I hope things go well for you and you find peace with your decision.

[After909 0]

I knew my mom would be supportive no matter what, but just didn't know how dad would react. [...] Anyway, I hope things go well for you and you find peace with your decision.

Thanks very much, I think that's the thing, it's not knowing how he'll react, I guess I'm just expecting the worst and it most likely won't be as bad as I imagine.

Congratulations on becoming a bandster! Hope you're feeling well!

Thank you! I'm doing better every day, my body's just been a bit like 'what did you DO to me?!' I'm definitely glad I got it done though. Hope you're managing well too!