In a fight with myself and my band is the referee

giveyouthemoon · October 1, 2005

Well now, this silicon fist (as Jack calls it) is quite an interesting device. I'm now three months into this band. Lost over 40 lbs, feeling a lot better. That part is all good.

But now my band isn't so new anymore. I'm starting to settle into my old routine and I'm finding something interesting about this process.

Since I'm not so "aware" of things now since the band is a part of my everyday life, I find that like a kid, I'm pushing the boundaries and the band keeps biting back.

I must be dumb because it seems to take repeated PB's and I still haven't learned my lesson. (my doc calls the band "surgical behavior modification")

I find myself wanting to eat too much, eat too fast, take huge bites. I *know* how I should eat but I run off and eat a big piece of meat too fast anyway.

I'm finding that my inner fat girl is MAD that food is no longer an easily accessible "drug" to calm my nerves. I find myself frantic that I can't just hork down a whole box of donuts and then feel bad and beat up on myself as a means of dealing with life like I had for years. It's like a part of me is going nuts over losing this control, no matter how evil and hurtful I was being to myself. It's almost like an abusive person in my life just realized I'm not going to take their crap anymore and is going crazy trying to keep their hold over me. How powerful is THAT thought?

I'm "storming" right now over the dramatic change in the way I can eat. I *know* these changes are for my best good....but man....old habits are REALLY hard to break.

I was feeling so good because I hadn't PB'd in a while and had never PB'd in a public place. Well, Wednesday and Friday of this week I had two MAJOR PB's, one in a restaurant, one in a ball park. Bad. It's tough to explain to someone who doesn't know you have a band why your eyes are watering and you need to race to the bathroom. (by the way, I just told her that I was having "really bad acid reflux" and she bought it).

And at times I KNOW I am eating way too much but I keep eating and then everything hurts in my tummy. I know that all of this is scary for the band, I sure don't want slippage, and this separating myself from my "abusive" side is very necessary. It's just become a REALLY difficult process. I just didn't realize how crazy this could be or how deep the roots of my own self abuse could run.

So.....anyone else go through a "storming" phase with the band? Where you were trying to "act out"? Any survival tips????

Poodles · October 1, 2005

Thin for good from Fred Pescatore. It is a good book with daily modification/self help messages. I read this all the time to help correct the negative "tapes" in my head. You must put good things in. Be positive. Although I do not have the band yet, I am a compulsive eater and have found that when I am very mad I need to sit down and "escape". Thin for good is a diet book, and I think that it would help everyone band or not. I also went on a "Lord of the Rings" diet when I first went low carb. If those cakes/candies started calling, I started reading. Forgive the bad pun...but sugar is my "preciousssss" and reading seemed to help.

You can read, take a bubble bath, walk the dog, paint your fingernails, you know try to do something nice for yourself to take your mind off of eating.

You are good enough to be good to. You know that because you cared enough about yourself to get the band. Don't abuse yourself or your band. Adjust to this new life with all the strength and willpower you possess. You can do it!

La_madam · October 2, 2005

To take smaller bites..Get yourself a small fork, like a crab fork they give you when you order crab at a restatraunt, it helps me so much to take small bites and small bites are easier to chew real good. Less Pb's

chichigirl · October 2, 2005

Poodles, what a great post and so true!

According to Dr. Phil, we don't elminate habits, we simply replace them with something else. For example, when Poodles felt like eating, she read instead, great idea. Anything you do 'for' yourself is worthwhile and worthy of being the replacement you need for the binge eating thing.

Yes, I have been through the storm you are going through. I lost over 120 lbs when I first got the band. I proceeded to freak out(stormy weather?)and put all of the weight back on, after a complete unfill.

A year later, after ignoring what I had done, or at least trying to, I dealt with my demon head on and decided, I'm winning this one. I have suffered long enough and it's way past time for me to treat myself with the respect, dignity and care I share and demand from others. I'm back on target, loosing weight, exercising, even quit smoking after 25 years. Don't get me wrong, it's not easy and I stumble and fall sometimes, but I just get right back up and start again. And I will continue that path until I find my pot 'o gold and the beginning of my rainbow!

the best me · October 2, 2005

I'm finding that my inner fat girl is MAD that food is no longer an easily accessible "drug" to calm my nerves. I find myself frantic that I can't just hork down a whole box of donuts and then feel bad and beat up on myself as a means of dealing with life like I had for years. It's like a part of me is going nuts over losing this control, no matter how evil and hurtful I was being to myself. It's almost like an abusive person in my life just realized I'm not going to take their crap anymore and is going crazy trying to keep their hold over me. How powerful is THAT thought?

I have named my inner fat girl "Shaniqua". She's a tough-talking, street-savvy, braided black girl that wags her head and shakes her finger and says, "Oh no, I don't THINK so!!!!" when my inner responsible reliable fair-minded practical self attempts to make good food choices. Shaniqua is self-centered and loves me so much, she won't let anyone steal MY happiness. She beats up others on my behalf. She makes me feel better about me and rewards me with yummy foods, cuz she loves me so much. What she says makes perfect sense and I love her friendship, even though she scares me a little because she's WAY much more of a bully than I am. She gets mad easily, too.

Yep, some call it the food demon, the inner fat girl, other things, but I'm thinking I have a Shaniqua. I love her, I really do. I admire her strength, her bull-headedness, her ability to put her foot down. But she's so different from the inner me that's quietly content, reserved, confident, secure, got it all together kind of grown woman.

Her voice is getting quieter, but she's still there. Maybe she's growing up a little bit, too?

Don't feel alone, we all deal with it in some way. I'm learning how to manipulate her a little better, I guess? I dunno. It's part of the fight, though.

giveyouthemoon · October 2, 2005

I have named my inner fat girl "Shaniqua". She's a tough-talking, street-savvy, braided black girl that wags her head and shakes her finger and says, "Oh no, I don't THINK so!!!!" when my inner responsible reliable fair-minded practical self attempts to make good food choices.

I LOVE this image. LOVE IT. Mine is more like an overbearing parent. I want to eat right but it's like "NO! You do not disobey me! I command you to eat as much as you can as fast as you can!" so I end up WANTING to eat. And then I do, knowing it's not going to be okay, then I get TERRIBLE stuck and I'm in the bathroom bending over the toilet waiting for what is stuck to go reverse on me.

So I mentally punish myself for eating then my body physically punishes me for eating and suddenly it feels like an AWFUL lot of punishment for poor little Karen who is just trying to make it through this crazy mixed up life. So you would think the after such a punishing experience that I'd make better choices next time? No. Cycle of punishment continues.

At what point do I finally stop punishing myself for doing my best job trying to get healthy? This cycle is usually why all diets have failed me in the past. I'd lose some then this weird cycle of almost panic needing to eat EVERYTHING would emerge and I'd give up and gain back all the weight.

This wrasslin' with my demons, my inner abuser, is a really key problem to work out. And what's great is the band is there, like I said, to referee. Because I phyically CAN'T go off on a huge binge like I've always done in the past. It's impossible.

That means the band is working.

And someday....soon I hope, this "surgical behavior modification" will find a home in my brain and all the sides of me that are waging battle inside will lay down their arms. Maybe the dragon will settle down. Maybe.

But for the grace of God and my therapist. I've an uphill climb to continue.........

Kiera · October 2, 2005

Welcome to your bander adolescence! It won't be long now before you transition into knowing that the band is wise and the fighting will slow down, maybe even disappear. Just keep plugging away until it does! :-)