New Member: need help with failure feeling

[reader54 0]

I haven't had the surgery yet. I went to an informational meeting and have my first individual meeting at the end of the month. A friend of mine had the surgery earlier this year and has had ups and downs, but mostly positives. I'm still really nervous and don't know if I'm ready to commit to surgery. To me, personally, I feel like I'd be relying on a crutch if I had it done. But I'm 55 years old and have been going up and down and up and down and up and up and up for years. Nothing else has worked.

The informational meeting made me feel a bit better, but for some reason I feel that if I have the surgery, I'm admitting defeat and that I'm a failure. Has anyone else ever felt like this? How did you get over this feeling?

Thanks for any insites you can share.

[thefitmother 0]

I think you will find most of us have been through this!

I live in a small town and run a business there so just about everyone knows me. I've told nobody that I've had surgery. It's none of their business and I don't need their opinions.

Do what is best for you. Think long and hard about why you want it.

The band is just a tool to help you. It's not an easy way out. You still have restrictions to what and how much you can eat even though your mind will tell you that you want more.

I'm glad that I had this done in my early 30's and wish now that I had of had it done 10 years ago rather than stuggling for those years trying to lose weight.

This has been the first time in my life that I have felt 'in control' about my eating habits.

Whatever decision you make it will be the right one for you.

Good luck with it all!

[ThePoolGirl 1]

Hi reader! I know what you mean about feeling like a failure and that banding is a crutch. It feels like admitting defeat. What changed my attitude on that was finding out that the medical community FINALLY sees obesity as a disease. It's not our fault! Sure, there are some bad choices we've made and we could have exercised more, etc. But much of the problem is genetic or based in other factors. Stop beating yourself up!! This is not giving in. This is moving on. You deserve a better, happier, thinner life.:biggrin:

I hope you read more success stories on this forum. They really helped me get a handle on things. I wish you much luck!!

TPG

[thefitmother 0]

Well said pool girl!

[RestlessMonkey 7]

To me, personally, I feel like I'd be relying on a crutch if I had it done. But I'm 55 years old and have been going up and down and up and down and up and up and up for years. Nothing else has worked.

The informational meeting made me feel a bit better, but for some reason I feel that if I have the surgery, I'm admitting defeat and that I'm a failure. Has anyone else ever felt like this? How did you get over this feeling?

Thanks for any insites you can share.

Of course lots of people feel that way and it's an obstacle to overcome.

First let me remind you just how many people in our country are overweight. A HUGE percentage. I don't mean obese or morbidly obese, but overweight. Why is that? Are they all shiftless and lazy? Or, maybe, is losing weight hard?

Secondly, remember that a SMALL percentage of people successfully lose weight, AND KEEP IT OFF, with exercise and diet alone. Again, if it were easy, or even generally a viable option, a large percentage of us would not be here.

I don't know about you but I have attempted a huge portion of every diet known to man. I've done cabbage and grape fruit. In the seventies I did reconjugated Protein (I still have nightmares about that one) I've done Atkins, Jenny, WW (WW about 10 times) Richard's deal-a-meal...a thing called "Medical Weight control" for which I paid 1k in 1976...

I even went through a year of behavioral therapy before I decided on the lap band. I have TRIED. You may not have done what I did, but odds are you've tried other things. Did they work? Did you keep it off? If not, are you weak, foolish, lazy? Are you "BAD"? or maybe, just maybe, is it that what you tried doesn't work?

Lastly, say you needed a pacemaker. Although not happy about it, would you tell your cardiac specialist "OH NO. Other people don't need pacemakers. That is the WEAK way out. No thank you" Or would you be regretful that you need it but glad it's there, and GET IT INSTALLED?

I think of the band as a pacemaker for my appetite. I'm not weak, lazy, useless, easily swayed, incapable. Neither is anyone else on here.

We are brave. We had the courage to realize "what is conventional is not working for me. I want to be healthy. I'm going to gather up my gumption and move on this"

I hope you consider what I've just written; it's as honest as I know how to be. We feel what we feel, but your basis, your reasoning, isn't sound. It's what you've probably HEARD, but that doesn't make it right,.

[reader54 0]

Hi all,

I'm reading your posts and I'm almost in tears. Thank you so much for your wise words and your support. The most important thing I remember from the informational meeting is when the doctor said that most are beginning to realize that obesity is genetic and something else I can't remember. But anyway, that it wasn't a form of weakness or whatever. That was the FIRST time I had ever heard that, and you all just reaffirmed it. I don't know how long it will take for me to accept these words after 55 years of being tsk-tsked, but I will grab on to them.

Thank you again. If your replies are the usual, I think I've found a great place for support!

[greytz 4]

Hi reader, I am 51 and can tell you that I like everyone else who posted here felt the same way. Particularly since I was older I felt like I should know better. But in the end, the result is what counts. How you got there as long as it was healthy isn't what is important. Being there is what counts and staying there. Good Luck on your decision and keep us posted.

[Catherine55 43]

Here is a way to reframe that. You are 55 and have the self-awareness to know that you need some help getting your weight under control, based on your past experience. Next year, you are going to be 56 years old. You have three choices. Either you can:

1. Accept yourself as you are (and the possible health problems that will go along with the extra weight);

2. Try to lose on your own (statistically speaking, most people will regain that weight, though you could be in the 5% that does not); or

3. Have the surgery, commit to making your band work and hit 56 looking and feeling better than you have in years.

I would recommend making a pro/con list and really putting a lot of thought into it. For me, that was very helpful and made my decision an easy one. I have been banded now for about 10 months, am down more than 55 pounds and am probably in the best shape of my life.

I needed help to get my weight under control -- that is for certain. But, I got that help and feel so positive and successful with every step that I have made toward my goal during this process.

This is the first time in my post-adolescent life that I can remember feeling good about my weight every day and not beating myself up inside my head about not sticking to my diet, getting heavier, etc.

This is a big decision, and you are right to think about it carefully. If you are worried about how others perceive your decision, just remember -- you don't have to tell anyone you don't want to tell.

I wish you the very best in your decision. Hang in there!

Catherine

[4myhealth 0]

I was banded 18 months ago. The positives have definitely outweigh the negatives. I think it is completely understandable to have mixed feelings about any elective surgery. I wouldn't look at your desire to have the surgery done as a failure but as a success...a step or a decision to make a change in your life. You have already admitted you can't lose the weight on your own and the lap band may be the extra help you need and have been looking for.

[sberrys 0]

I have struggled with this feeling too but the way I see it is this...

Regardless of how I manage to get the weight off (so I can be happy and healthy) a change in my diet is needed. I know that I do not have the willpower and strength to do this on my own. So the only other option is surgery. Failure doesn't matter. So what if I failed if failure means I am finally happy and healthy? I am ok with that! People are imperfect beings and we fail sometimes, so what! I'm more concerned with being healthy than being able to say I won the battle of the buldge the hard way! You know what? I happily admit defeat because it means this time next year I'll be half of me. :sad:

Edited August 16, 2009 by sberrys

[thefitmother 0]

Lastly, say you needed a pacemaker. Although not happy about it, would you tell your cardiac specialist "OH NO. Other people don't need pacemakers. That is the WEAK way out. No thank you" Or would you be regretful that you need it but glad it's there, and GET IT INSTALLED?

I think of the band as a pacemaker for my appetite. I'm not weak, lazy, useless, easily swayed, incapable. Neither is anyone else on here.

WHAT A FANTASTIC WAY OF LOOKING AT IT!!!