Body dysmorphia -- another chapter

[Zoe 6]

You know how some of us don't think we're big even though we are, and some of us don't really see that we're smaller than before? There have been many great LBT threads on the subject of distorted body image. Well, I just got hit with it, and I had to write.

I met a grad school advisor off-campus today; we hadn't met before, so I described myself as 5'9", large, with salt-and-pepper hair. I really think that's a valid description of me -- I'm still almost 200 lbs. Well, this tiny woman took her time identifying me, and as we were leaving, she said, "I thought you said you were large. I was expecting someone. . ." and she spread her hands about a yard apart.

Yes, I know I'm smaller than I was. Promise! But I'm a size 16, and while I might not be humongous, I'm still large. No, I'm not being falsely modest. I really take up lots of space in all dimensions. But I wonder if maybe I've come to see largeness as not just a way of looking but a tribal identity.

Is anyone else going through this now?

BTW, I'm having a hysterectomy on 10/3, so I should lose a few pounds and inches when my giant fibroid is removed! I'll still be large, though.

[KRZYGIRLNSTL 0]

Wow thats so cool! I cant wait til the day i can wear a 16!!!! I think in the "normal" world of sizes 2 and up, 16 is considered large to the skinny people....its almost as if size 20 and up is non exsistant....maybe its because they dont give us hardly any clothes to choose from.

Well anyway...i never thought i was as big as i am until i see pics.....its sad...

YAY FOR YOU!!!

[Marimaru 7]

I'd probably have described myself as large. I'm 5'6" and a 16/18. I think another thing is that the person you meant doesn't have the same idea of large as you do. It seems her idea of large is maybe our idea of "humongous"? Different people have different ideas of what fat is you know? I met a woman at the doctors office who was banded to lose 50 lbs. Another woman was banded and had lost almost everything she wanted to lose, and had her daughter go in for that balloon procedure... that girl didn't need to lose ANYTHING but her mom wanted her to lose 10lbs. Some people are getting up to 400 lbs and they don't think they need to do anything about it.

I'm not actually sure if what I said above has anything to do with it, but it's a matter of perspective I guess, right?

[vinesqueen 2]

I'm still just about 250 pounds and I wear pants anywhere in the size 22 down to a size 18, depending on the cut... I'm 5'5" so I'm average height...

I was talking with my therapist and she wanted to know why I wanted to lose weight. I pointed out that I"m morbidly obese and she doesn't believe me. Weird weird weird. She could obviously see that I'm a large woman, but she just couldn't see me as obese or even MO.

Marilyn Monroe was a size 16. Keep that in mind Zoe and Maru!

And when you describe yourself as having purple (or now magenta) hair, you never ever have to mention size. (well, almost never...)

[Marimaru 7]

Marilyn Monroe was a size 16. Keep that in mind Zoe and Maru!

Well, they've certainly quit making clothes that make a size 16 look like that!

haha!

I think that people that we know and are close to that know WHO we are, see past it. My younger sister told me she never really saw me as fat. Knew I was big, but not fat like "other people", she just saw me differently.

By the way Vines, I'm really going to need to get some hair color secrets from you. I can't get even hair color of 'natural' colors to stay in my hair for very long.

[Zoe 6]

Marilyn Monroe was a size 16. Keep that in mind Zoe and Maru!

And when you describe yourself as having purple (or now magenta) hair, you never ever have to mention size. (well, almost never...)

Yeah, but MM was around before vanity sizing. I bet she'd wear a size 10 if she were around today. Not that I bear any resemblance to her at any size...

That magenta hair looks fabulous in your photo, Vines. Mind you, these days if you're a woman who describes herself as having salt-and-pepper hair, you rarely have to mention size either! If it's good enough for George Clooney, it's good enough for me. BTW, your therapist sounds like a keeper.

[babsintx3 0]

Hi,

I still see myself as large. I wear a 14 W on bottom and 12 on top. And considering I started at a size 28 when I was banded, I guess this is a lot better. I went clothing shopping yesterday and I still feel like a fat moose.... I heard some lady in the next dressing room complaining cause she couldnt fit in a 13. She had just had a baby less than a month ago (had the bambino with her). She looked thin to me. I cant see why I look at myself so differently, but I still feel like a bloated ox, especially since my plastic surgery. I mean how much swelling is there really 7 weeeks post op? I still trying to figure out why I weigh more than when I went in...

Babs in TX

334/18-/170

[Parvathi 2]

Good for you, Zoe! Its great being able to hear about yourself from other people's eyes from time to time.

I'm fairly confident that no matter what size I end up, I'll never see myself as small, or even normal/average. I look back on old pictures from high school. At one point I was bulemic and wore a size 10 petite. I thought I was bloody massive! Now when I see those pictures, I would kill to have that body again - I looked good!!!

I am seeing a psychologist though, to help me deal with these issues, as I think its just as important to address the issues that got me here in my head, as the physical reasons I'm overweight.

While waiting for the movies to start yesterday, I made my lil one pop into a clothing shop here, mostly geared towards young women, called Sportsgirl. All their stuff is sized quite small, in my opinion. I've never been able to fit into any of it, as they only go up to a 16 (that looks like a teeny tiny 16 lol). Well, I tried on a pair of black slacks and I could fasten them! Okay, so they were skin tight lol .. but it was a regular shop and I could wear their clothes. I did a full on dance in the dressing room sitting area when I showed my daughter LOL. The salesgirl thought I was insane, for sure! Still can't fit my big ole boobs in any of that stuff though yet lol

[Zoe 6]

Well, Parvathi, your shopping experience counts as an NSV for sure. I can relate to everything you said, especially "I thought I was bloody massive! Now when I see those pictures, I would kill to have that body again." I think it was Jack who wrote, "I'm finally down to the size I swore I would never get up to."

Babs, how long does it take to recover from the plastic surgery? I imagine the swelling would last a long time. If you've written elsewhere about your experience, please forgive the nosy question.

I've been thinking about the Tribe of the Large. My size has always been such an integral part of my identity that I don't think I'll ever see myself as non-large, no matter what my size. . . kind of like someone who switches religions but still identifies with the original practices they know by heart.

[vinesqueen 2]

Maybe I am thinking of something else when I think of "Tribe of the Large" than what you have in mind Zoe.

My family is simply built different than most people. I will never be a size 6, I will never be a size 10 either for that matter. Size 12 may even be pushing it for that matter. And I expect that I will one day reach size 14. It may take years, but I will get there.

But I will always be "large." I will always be clinically obsese just going from height weight charts.

I'm glad they now have the deviced that will measure your actaul body fat %, since the charts will be wrong for us.

[Jachut 487]

Who can figure out sizes - Parvathi I'm 5ft 10 and when I was 90kg odd I was wearing an Australian size 20 and still am at 110kg! Last time I was a size 16 I was 75kg. I've heard others say they're a 12 at that height and weight. Its nuts!

But - if I described myself for ID purposes I too would say I'm large. But I dont "see" it when I look in the mirror. I cant see any difference from 40kg ago. Well I can see it but I dont acknowledge it kind of thing. I feel like I look fine most days and then I'll catch an unguarded sight of myself or worse, see a photograph and be absolutely gutted.

its only in the last 10kg that I can " feel" my weight too that I've been able to acknowledge I am obese.

[Pacomomma 0]

I too am having a problem with image. I was walking down the hall at my job the other day and 3 people said that I was skinny !

Skinny I lost 68 lbs but am still over the 200 lb mark. And I am having a problem with clothes I am in-between sizes. UGH

[princess_n_thep 2]

I look in the mirror and think I am HUGE. I wish I could see smaller, I really do.

[sunnykim 0]

I think that people that we know and are close to that know WHO we are, see past it. My younger sister told me she never really saw me as fat. Knew I was big, but not fat like "other people", she just saw me differently.

My best friend said the same to me. She always saw me as Kimmie and she said i really didnt need surgery. Well when i was standing at 5'6" and 297 lbs i need it. lol..

Everyone intrepets beauty and fatness different ways. Well i saw myself chunky.

LOL

Kim