Do I tell the Ex that I had it done?

[Kathy473 1]

Ok...here's the deal. My husband's ex-wife had the Gastric Bypass when they were married and she lost the weight and then she left him. I am in no way going to do the same as she did because I actually love him, she obviously didn't. But do I tell her that I had the Lap-Band surgery or just keep it to myself? I see her all the time when we pick up his kids and they know that I had surgery but we didn't tell them what kind of surgery that I had. But I really don't care if she knows but I think my husband might not want her to know. I think he doesn't want her to be judgemental towards me. She knows that I have been struggling with my weight since I had my daughter in July 99. Her attitude was after she had her surgery was to lie to people and tell them that she did it the old fashioned way and I don't want that to be the way she is going to think that I am by not telling her that I did it too. Maybe I do care what she thinks....I don't know...any advice?

[the best me 6]

Well, my gut reaction when I first read the title to your thread was "Hell no" but, after reading I think I have changed my mind. You have nothing to hide, no reason to NOT tell the truth, unless your hubby feels strongly about leaving her out of it. I understand about him not wanting her to be judgemental. Just know the loss is slow and be prepared to NOT CARE what she or anyone else thinks.

An aside...many people at my church know I was banded. Few know I went to MX for it, but many know about my WLS. Some have asked questions and been curious, but I just know folks are quietly watching. And wondering. Will she shrink? When will she get thinner? Their skeptical thoughts are mixed with hope that I can conquer this weight problem. Post-surgery, I lost 15 pounds pretty quick. It showed, mostly in my face, and kind people commented, but I did go for several months before dropping a fraction of a pound. I just knew there were people watching and wondering if this extreme measure was going to pan out for me. But I was confident. I didn't like being stuck at 208, down from 223, for months after this surgery. But I knew it would work and held my head high. No naysayers came out of the darkness to wonder aloud. Everyone has been very nice and complimentary and supportive. But there was a time when I knew it was up to me to keep up the hope. Even for everyone else. You know?

So, do it right, right in front of her. Don't play games, don't hide, don't manipulate. Take care of you and your family and keep on living with dignity and discuss what needs to be discussed. It's your life. Do your thing. She only matters where your hubby's kids are concerned. Don't give her ammunition to manipulate.

All that to say...yep, spill the Beans. Carrying around secrets is hard. No need to lie unless it's a secret to EVERYONE. IMHO.

[Kathy473 1]

Thank you for your advice...I think I might tell her.

[tztmama 0]

I probably would tell her but may wait until she poked around for an answer first. I have a co-worker who had Gastric bypass and she told everyone she lost weight on a special diet. I on the other hand tell all about it. Depends on the person I suppose.

[aneffie53 0]

I guess I would ask "what good could come from her knowing?" If the answer is nothing, I'd wonder why would you risk it?

[divaliciousdee 0]

WHy would you want to tell her? I mean what would telling her do? I mean the only thing you have in common with her is him. You are the children's stepmother. I mean do you just want her to know. Why is she even in the equation with your band? I don't understand is she a friend of yours? I don't get why the EX-wife needs to know about your band. This confuses me. I am again perpelexed why this "need" to tell her. I have edited this just to ask this question, Are you telling her because you want to one up her by being honest about how you are losing weight to make her feel ashamed of lying about her "doing it the old fashoned way"? If she is lying about how she lost the weight then that is her lie and what does it have to do with you?. WHy are you concerned if she is lying? I don't mean to sound harsh but I think you want to tell her because you know she is lying about how she lost weight and you just want to show her up by not being as phony as you are thinking she is for lying. Weight loss surgery is a personal and major decision. Who to tell and who not to tell is up to that person. If you want to tell her go ahead but if she doesn't want to be OUTED about her Gastric Bypass then don't judge her for not telling everyone. You do what feels right for you, but telling her about your surgery seems weird to me.

P.S.(this hits so close to home I guess this is why I am agitated by this thread)

you stated that she obviously didn't love him because she left after the Gastric Bypass, maybe she loved herself more and realized that it wasn't working. Maybe he had a problem with her weight loss. Seems like to me the two women he married had at least two things in common and that is being overweight and loving him. Is he alright with your choice in getting the band? Cause if she had Gastric Bypass and you had Lapband surgery it is obvious to me that his preference is larger women.

DISCLAIMER

The thoughts posted above are not in anyway to be considered the thoughts of the members of Lapbandtalk.com. This is only Divaliciousdee's opinion. If this resembles anypart of someone's life it is purely coincidental.

[Alexandra 55]

I'm with the Diva. There's an "ex" in my life too, and though she didn't have any surgery I also wondered if I should mention it to her. Turns out I didn't have to--my husband and stepson did it for me. And she's had the grace (amazingly) not to say anything to my face except the occasional "how are you feeling?"

Of course, this woman is not my friend and your relationship may be different. I have and continue to have no desire to discuss my personal life with the mother of my husband's child.

[La_madam 20]

None of her business, she is the EX wife of your husband, you owe her nothing! Regardless of how your relationship is with her.

[the best me 6]

Are you telling her because you want to one up her by being honest about how you are losing weight to make her feel ashamed of lying about her "doing it the old fashoned way"? If she is lying about how she lost the weight then that is her lie and what does it have to do with you?. WHy are you concerned if she is lying? I don't mean to sound harsh but I think you want to tell her because you know she is lying about how she lost weight and you just want to show her up by not being as phony as you are thinking she is for lying. Weight loss surgery is a personal and major decision. Who to tell and who not to tell is up to that person. If you want to tell her go ahead but if she doesn't want to be OUTED about her Gastric Bypass then don't judge her for not telling everyone. You do what feels right for you, but telling her about your surgery seems weird to me.

VERY good thought. Girl, you are so good!

It's kind of what I was trying to point out but didn't. You have nothing to lose by telling her, why not take the opportunity to do it right, UNlike her? I know that secrets are hard for me, and they end up finding out these things anyway as kids go back and forth. I don't think I'd make a big deal about it by making a special phone call or meeting for lunch but if it came up, I'd spill the Beans. On the other hand, it is your own business. So what if she knows or doesn't? Why should it matter?

Apparently, she DOES matter to you.

What are you thinking about all of these things we are posting?

[Victoria 1 0]

My question is--- WHY would you want to tell her? I haven't told but 2 people but if I were to tell somebody--any ex's would not be on the list!!

[Kelliebelly 13]

Nope...I would not tell her. If she came right out and asked then maybe I would think about it, but I would definately not go to her and tell her.

[sleepyjean 0]

I really don't care if she knows but I think my husband might not want her to know.

I think you do care if she knows because you're spending a certain amount of energy on it. Don't get me wrong, I understand where you're coming from. It's hard when you think other people are talking about you behind your back. (But isn't learning how to deal with that the whole point of high school? LOL) Also, why speculate as to your husband's thoughts and motivations? Why not just ask him?

Her attitude was after she had her surgery was to lie to people and tell them that she did it the old fashioned way and I don't want that to be the way she is going to think that I am by not telling her that I did it too.

As my old shrink used to tell me, "you need to step back and take a look at this for what it is." You're stressing out because you THINK that at some point in the future, she MIGHT be thinking something bad about you." Worring about something that you have no control over and might not even happen is a great way to make yourself crazy. And if she does find out later, do you really care about her opinion?

I bet she wasn't fretting over what YOU would think about HER when she got the surgery. My guess is that her attitude is "I told my story and I'm sticking to it. I don't give a crap what anyone else says/thinks/does." And as someone who doesn't plan to tell a soul about my surgery, I'm right there with her.

[ReneBean 3]

If the kids know, she will find out eventually, anyway. I would think it is better that she hear it from you up front. If she's going to be judgemental, she's going to be. Nothing you can do will stop her. It won't matter if you tell her or the kids do.

Good Luck.