How to get started? (apologies in advance for rambling)

sleepyjean · September 26, 2005

Hi everyone, I’m new to the group.

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A little about me:

I just turned 31 two weeks ago, but I don’t “feel” 31. I’m sure everyone says that! I’m not married, I live alone, no children, and I watch a lot of cartoons on Nickelodeon. It’s a clear case of arrested development.

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I’m somewhere between 5’6” and 5’7”, depending on who’s doing the measuring, and I weigh at least 230 pounds, possibly more. I weighed myself in June and I was at 217 and I can tell I’ve gained some weight since then. I’m guessing my BMI is around 37. I’m afraid to weigh myself and find out for sure, because I fear it will trigger a feeling of complete hopelessness and the binge to end all binges.

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I’d always shied away from any kind of medical stuff. I haven’t had a physical in over 10 years because it was always such a terrifying experience when I was a little kid. I screwed up my courage and gave blood last month and while I’m glad I did it, it was a horrifying experience and not one I’m likely to repeat. The idea of gastric bypass scares the crap out of me. And I worry about scarring because I’ve had keloids in the past. But then I started reading about the lap band and am thinking this might be an option for me. For the first time in my life, the pain of living my life in this body has overpowered my abject fear of all things medical and any concern I ever had about scarring. (It’s actually kind of funny, I temped in the surgical wing of a hospital for about 4 months. It was fascinating. They let me go in to watch many of the operations. I saw 5 or 6 gastric bypass operations, knee surgeries, even one brain surgery. And I wasn’t squeamish at all. But that’s because it wasn’t ME. The thought of ME lying on that table makes me feel ill.)

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I haven’t been obese my whole life. I started out chubby – always about 10-15 pounds overweight. I remember having a 30 inch waist when I was 11 years old. But I didn’t become obese until my mid 20s. My entire adult life, my weight has always been on the way up or on the way down. I’ve never been able to maintain my weight at any level. I’ve dieted and I’ve succeeded, but I’ve always done what I swore I’d never do – I gained the weight back (and then some.) My most recent attempt was in 2002, when I joined weight watchers (again) and dieted down to 138. It didn’t last, of course. And at that weight, I was still a little chubby. That makes me think that I must have a small frame and probably my ideal weight is around 130 or so. Anyway, my point…and I’m getting to it, I promise – is that in my mind I’m about 100 pounds overweight. Like a lot of you, I’m sure, I remember certain events by what I weighed at the time.

172 when I started college.

154 when I graduated.

135 after my first semester in grad school. (That was the exercise 90 minutes a day and eat nothing but two Bagels and a can of tuna for the entire day phase.)

165 a year later when I was in my friend’s wedding.

173 after a year on my first job

154 after freaking out about the above and joining weight watchers

It went on and on until I joined weight watchers again at 220 pounds and lost 70. That was in 2002. Since then, it’s been a steady climb upwards. The weight gain has actually accelerated in the last year. When I finally quit the rip-off personal training place, I was at 182. That was this past January. And look at me now. I’m scared to death. Why even bother trying to lose weight if in the end, I’ll only be heavier? I don’t think I can handle failing again. Feeling like a loser again. Busting out of my clothes again.

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I’ve been researching the heck out of this lap band thing. I originally thought it made you lose weight simply because you can’t eat as much. After reading up on it, I’ve learned that I will still have to change my lifestyle and eating habits. Three small meals a day. No liquids before, during, or after meals. Exercise is required. I’ll have to chew my food into mush before I swallow and I won’t be able to eat solids for a month after the surgery. Also, I learned that there are ways to cheat and get more food down the hatch. Part of me is thinking that if I were capable of making these changes, I wouldn’t need the surgery. The other part of me is thinking that the surgery would be an extremely important tool to help me get where I need to go. And surgery would give me something I haven’t had in a long time: HOPE.

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I have Healthnet for my insurance and they cover the lap-band. I would only have to pay about $500. My worry is that I won’t qualify for the procedure because I’m not quite big enough, haven’t been obese long enough, and don’t have a medical history of co-morbidities. My position is that the surgery is inevitable, because if I don’t do something, I will continue to gain weight. But I doubt my saying so will get me approved for the surgery.

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Healthnet told me the first thing I need to do is get a physical, so I scheduled an appointment. The bad news is – the Dr. can’t see me until Dec. 12. I was really hoping to get moving on this. I belong to the UCLA Santa Monica medical group and they have a ton of residents there. I could probably get in to see one of them in the next couple of weeks. But I’ve researched my PCP. I don’t know anything about any of the residents and since this is the first time I’m seeing a doctor in over a decade and I’m going to ask this person to refer me to bariatrics, I want someone who knows what she is doing. I’m sure first and second year doctors are fine, but…no. Am I being crazy? Should I just see one of the residents and get this show on the road?

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But back to qualifying…I did some research and the rule is you have to have a BMI of 40 or a BMI of 35 plus co-morbidities. I don’t know if the co-morbidity thing will fly. First off, I have nothing documented, and secondly, I’m pretty sure I don’t have any of the biggies: diabetes, sleep apnea, etc. I read somewhere that depression counts, and I’ve been battling that with different doctors over the past 8 or so years. I’ve also got pain in my back and knees. I’ve started getting dizzy sometimes. I start perspiring at the drop of a hat and I’m get out of breath easily. I get really bad chafing and welts on my inner thighs. I have a welt right now that hurts so bad, it’s hard to walk.

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Since the age of 18, I’ve seen two nutritionists, joined weight watchers 3 times (or was it four?), tried the lemonade fast, tried Trim-Spa (with and without ephedra) seen a therapist, been on anti-depressants, tried the “eat sensibly” thing which, if I could do that, I wouldn’t have this problem in the first place. I’ve had a gym membership for 10 years and have actually used it. I’ve done the 90 minutes of exercise every day thing. I even tried to make myself vomit, but I just couldn’t seem to make it happen. (And believe me I’ve tried.) Last year, I got ripped off for $5000 by a personal training company, and I’m still recovering from that financially. Right now, I’m working with a diet coach who is trying to help me by having me take very small baby steps that focus on changing my habits and my lifestyle rather than just losing weight. I’ve been working with her for about three months now. I’m now drinking 70+ oz of Water every day and I’ve given up fast food, but I just eat other crap so it hasn’t affected my weight.

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Overweight and obesity run in my family (no one looks morbidly obese to me, but a lot of us are fat in my family.) My father has high blood pressure and had prostate cancer. My mother has high cholesterol. I never knew any of my grandparents, but I know two of them had cancer. Is that enough, do you think? I feel horrible asking that question, but I’m trying to figure out what I need to say to the doctor. The other thing I’m worried about is I don’t have a support system at all. I’m not close to my family at all, and they all live thousands of miles away. I moved here to ffice:smarttags" /><?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com ><st1:City w:st= <ST1:place w:st="on">Los Angeles</ST1:place></st1:City> in 2002 and haven’t made any friends. I’ve been too busy hiding away in my apartment, feeling ashamed. The only social interactions I have are with the people at work. Yes it’s lonely and it sucks, but I’m pretty used to it. I wonder if my lack of a support network will factor into the decision to approve my application for the surgery.

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I guess it would help if anyone could maybe tell me about your journey – what your experience was and how you got through it. And maybe you guys will have some advice to pass on. Be brutally honest. Should I just forget this whole thing until I clearly qualify for it? Was it hard for you to change your eating habits? Has anyone gained the weight back? Is it possible to lose weight and be “normal” sized, or will the formerly obese always be a little chubby? Anyone have a problem with excess skin? Do you know of anyone the lap band did NOT work for? Is there anything I should say to the doctor when I see her?

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I don’t know what to do. I just know that I’m extremely unhappy, I’m nervous as all get out, I don’t have anyone to talk to about this, and I don’t know what to do or which way to go…

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Ugh. This is so depressing. What I wouldn’t give for one day – 24 solid hours – when I don’t have to think about food or my weight. I just want to get on with my life.

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<O:p></O:p>Thanks, all. I know this was super long.

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SJ

the best me · September 26, 2005

Wow, super long and didn't get ALL of it but I promise I will come back and read every word and reply again. Just wanted to say Hi and tell you to look at my stats...very similar but my weight gain has been steady up with less "way downs" than you. Banding BMI was 38, I think. I am 5'5". I am also a little older. Anyhow, it's possible. Have hope. Look at the Before-After Pics Thread.

aaamom · September 27, 2005

Hi there,

I think you should go for it ! I read through your entire email, and it sounds alot like me. I, too, have been up and down with my weight my entire life. I have tried countless diet plans-nutrisystem/weight watchers/diet workshop, etc. I have always lost, but never maintained. I was banded on May 23, and I can honestly say that it was the best thing I have ever done for myself. I don't regret for a day having this done. Every last thing I had to do to get approved, the surgery, the recovery, the PBing, ALL WORTH IT. I have never been happier, and never have more successful than with my band. I am so proud of what I have accomplished, and you can be too. Don't give up !! Your doc will find a way to get you approved. My BMI was under 40, but after a sleep study, it was determined that I had sleep apnea. Also, I had borderline high blood pressure. So all in all, getting the approval wasn't so bad. I began my journey Feb 22, and was lucky to have my surgery in only 3 months. I never ever ever regret what I did and so happy I took the time to finally think of MYSELF.

Feel free to email me anytime. I just felt so compelled to answer your post. Good luck with whatever decision you make....

Road Queen · September 27, 2005

Jean,

Welcome to lbt. We all have had issues with weight loss or we wouldn't be here. Rememer that there are options when choosing surgery. Many of us were self pay. Good luck on your journey and keep us updated.

Celeste

sleepyjean · September 27, 2005

Thanks you guys. It's just nice to have a place where people understand.

Now that I've decided to pursue this seriously, I want to get started! It's killing me, knowing that I have to wait 2.5 months just to get a physical. Then, whether I'm approved or not, there's even more waiting - either while I'm gaining even more weight, or because I know I'll have to go through the whole medically-supervised diet thing. When I think about how long this whole process will take, it's so discouraging. It's like being homeless your whole life and someone gives you a palace to live in - only you have to wait two years for the key to the front door!

*bummed*

I come here and read about how everyone is doing and I'm envious. I'm so sick of being caught in the diet/binge cycle. I just want to get on with the rest of my life, you know? Not that I think getting banded will turn me into a whole new person. I just desperately need to believe that success is possible. It certainly doesn't seem like it right now. I kind of feel like a ticking time bomb.

[exit drama queen, stage left]

Jessiebear · September 27, 2005

I just wanted to say welcome! You sound like you need support & I think you came to the right place to get it! Everyone here is wonderful! I hope that everything works out for you! Some people have to really fight for their band & it is almost handed to others (& then the rest of us pay for it ourselves...LOL). Keep us updated on how things are going!

(((((((hug))))))

Tropicana · October 7, 2005

I am concerned about this also. Does anyone else have a BMI less than 40 with no comorbidities and still got coverage?

lovecats85 · October 7, 2005

SOunds like me too! In high school I was 170 or so, 4 years ago I started zoloft and my anxiety disorder got me down to 180-190. Everyone asks me why I can't lose it like I did 4 years ago and I never explain but the truth is that starting zoloft (which doesn control my appetite now since my body is used to it), having uncontrolled anxiety, and have liquid bowel movements for a year is a great way to lose weight, but not healthy!

I was like the chubby kid in grade school.

The "full figured gal" in high school.

175 or so when I was 18.

Up to 245 when I was 20

Back down to 185 or so when going thru the above mentioned.

And then back to 245 (BMI 38)

I was pro-active in getting surgery b/c I am only 26 but I see that pattern of weight gain every year and I knew in my heart it wasn't going to change.

I have nothing I would have thought as "co-mobities" but I do have kneee problems and back problems, acid refulx and a hiatal hernia. Before the the surgeons I saw found out my insurance wouldn't cover the band they said my problems could be "co-morbidities" so don't give up on that idea just b/c you don't have the "typical" ones like diabetes and high blood pressure.

Anyways, point is, as hard as it is to face, statistically your weight will continue to go up yearly. Only you can change that number, and if you need a band to do it then so be it - I mean, this site wouldn't exist is there were people left and right that could do it on thier own!

As far as the surgery - I had mine one week ago like exactly to the minute and it was not to bad. I was knocked out before I knew it, and the incisions are so small - I've looked way worse falling off a bike! Good luck in whatever you choose!