begging for help...proud of you all but hating myself

[Paige59 0]

I'm sitting here wondering if I should even be writing this. I'm reading through all these posts here in the 200+ forum and I'm so proud of all of you, but it's making me hate myself even more. I'm ashamed to admit this, but I'm sitting here crying my eyes out. I feel so much like I just want to crawl into a large hole and never surface again! I have NOT yet had the lap band surgery, but am working on getting it approved by my insurance. However, while trying to wait it out, I'm researching and reading through all the forums, and I just had a mental breakdown. I am so ashamed of myself. I weight 400 lbs. I'm 5'2". I just turned 50. I'm completely sedentery. I recently lost my job due to a company down-size. I have no friends I guess due to my size and the fact that I rarely leave my house. I'm so upset and depressed and ashamed of myself. I cannot believe I let myself get this heavy. I cannot stand or walk more than 30 feet without breathing like a freight train and feeling like I will pass out from the pain in my back and hips and legs. In order for me to have this surgery, I need to lose about 40 lbs first, and start exercising. My response to this was "EXCUSE ME?? if I cannot move, I cannot lose weight. How in the world am I supposed to do this? If I could do this on my own, I wouldn't need surgery!!" Well, needless to say, not much sympathy from the insurance company or the doctor for that matter!! Know what their advice was? "Just start moving." WELL...could someone explain to me how to do that? At 400 lbs, when I cannot walk more than 20-30 feet, just how am I suppose to do this? AND yes, I am feeling sorry for myself I guess you could say, but I have so many mixed emotions at this point. It's not that I don't want to do this, it's just that it is impossible. Well, maybe not impossible. Just SEEMS impossible. Then I come here and read all of your posts about how you started to walk just a little here and a little there....and now some of you are walking miles. BUT...I must be missing a point somewhere because I don't understand how you motivated yourself to just start. That's where I'm having the biggest problem. I know I need to do it, and I want to do it, I just can't. The being out of breath and the pain is enough to just make me not even want to try. And then I think about it...and if I start with just 20 steps at a time, then maybe I could start, but.... what good does just 20 steps do? I feel like it's just useless. I can't get past this point of feeling like I'm nothing, and I'm useless and stupid and deserve to just be this heavy and die. And no, I don't want to die and no, I'm not suicidal or anything like this. I'm think I'm just feeling sorry for myself and can't see past this point. Can someone PLEASE help me get a grip? Please tell me how you first felt. Tell me what you did from day one and how you got up the courage and motivation to get yourself started. Tell me how to do this, please! My life is depending on it....and even though I know this fact, I still can't seem to motivate myself. I'm sorry if this is too boring or upsetting or self-less for you all, but I just needed to get this off my chest because I can't stop crying right now. Thanks for any help, suggestions, etc., you can offer me at this low point.

[amnutz 0]

I feel your pain, truly I do but don't lose hope for there is hope and YOU CAN DO IT! I suggest you purchase some Unjury Protein and substitute it for 2 of your meals and eat one low fat balanced meal a day. Even though you can't walk far, walk what you can and walk it multiple times a day. Set a daily goal for yourself to walk a step or two further each time and o walk 1-2 more imes and keep adding distance and amount of times. Keep at it and before you know it you will be walking more, losing weight and able to have the lapband. Be sure to drink a least 65 ounces of cold Water a day. If you drink diet soda, stop. I belive soda is much worse for you than we think and I think it sets off the hunger pains.

[Desperate1 1]

Please don't give up!! There is another girl I know in my group who was in the mid 300 range and our surgeon told her she had to lose 80lbs first! None of us can figure out why but since May 12th, she's lost 42lbs! You CAN do this! did they give you a pre op diet to follow? I can give you a copy of ours - it's a 1200 calorie diet - It doesn't work well for me due to the high carb count but it you've never gone low carb before it should work well for you - Do you have access to a swimming pool? if not, try to get a something from your PCP stating it is required for your health - then join a gym and keep all receipts as a tax write off! They also have chair arobics videos you can check out - it doesn't matter what you're doing as long as your heart rate is up! What can I do to keep you from throwing in the towel???

[malissa 0]

I just want to say "Hang in there!"

I too have felt like you do. But there is always HOPE...

Believe in yourself and set your mind to it. Do any type of movement you can to get your heart rate up.

Follow a healthy diet and substitute Protein shakes for meals to get your weight loss started.

I can honestly say....my only regret with lapband is that I didn't do it sooner. I have wasted so many years of my life not "living" because I thought I was too big.

God Bless and take care.

Know that many are wishing you well....

-Malissa

[shannybp 0]

Hi

Don't giv eup on yourself. I think one time or another we have all felt the same way you do. You say what good would 20 steps do? Well you have to start somewhere and 20 will get you to 21, to22 and so on. Also so have you thought of working out in Water even if you just find a swallow pool put on t-shirt and shorts and walk to lenght of the pool a couple of time. It might help with the pain. Good luck and I hope to see you posted soon that you got your surgery date.

[Cleo's Mom 257]

Paige: Any chance your doctor can prescribe a portable oxygen unit - one that you can easily carry that might help you walk a little more? You might try to get some light hand weights - maybe a pound each and sit in a chair and lift them. Maybe get the velcro kind and put them on your wrists and then your ankles and lift your legs while sitting in a chair. Try some breathing exercises to expand your lung capacity. Take deep breaths in and out.

For dietary changes: look at each item you usually eat and replace it with a lower calorie version.

Bread: switch to lite whole wheat

Butter/Margarine: switch to I can't believe it's not butter spray (0 calories)

Deli meats: lite turkey breast

Mayo: Use mustard instead

Veggies: Get those steamer bags and make them in the microwave and use the I cant believe on them

Fruits: Get the no sugar added in the 1/2 cup servings

Milk: Skim only

Cereal: Something low in calories, fat, sugar - maybe Kashi Go Lean.

Meats: Try chicken breasts grilled. Try some interesting grillmates seasonings.

Snack: sugar free puddings.

Stay away from fried foods, fast foods, soda and sweets and see how all this goes.

Good luck to you. You can do it and it will be a long journey but you are taking the first step.

[jujuvee 0]

Just changing what you eat and how much you eat will help you lose weight even if you can't start exercising. But you have to want it!

I'm the first to say that if it's a hug you need that's not me but if it's get off your couch motivation you want that I can give you.

They need you to lose weight for a couple reasons, one reason is to see how serious you are and two because if you don't start changing the way you eat now you are in for a rude awakening because the band alone will not get you to goal you have to do your part by exercising and eating healthy and being carefull about slider foods. Foods like Cookies, chips, ice cream will just slide through no matter how tight your band is and that will sabotage your weight loss.

I went on my pre op diet at 374 lbs and lost 30 lbs in 3 weeks, went into surgery at 344 lbs, almost 4 months out and I am at 293.

My husband is doing it without surgery and started the same time as me and has lost at least 50 lbs ,not exactly sure because our scale only goes to 500 and he didn't register the first month. He started out walking half a mile a day and now he can do a mile, mile and a half.

So to get to my point you just have to get fed up with watching life pass you by and truly force yourself to make out an exercise schedule and stick with it.

Good luck and feel free to send me a messege anytime.

[ThePoolGirl 1]

Dear Paige,

First, here is a hug because you really need one. Second, if you are feeling this badly, maybe you should contact your doctor tomorrow. It sounds like you're heading for some serious depression and that isn't going to help anything. Obesity is a disease. Know that and believe it. But changes can be made. It won't happen overnight and right now you are totally overwhelmed. And that's okay. What a good thing you have done to have guts to put your story down in words for so many people to read. That shows that you do care about yourself or you wouldn't have bothered. I'm not speaking to you as one who has a lap band. I don't yet. But I do know about being overweight, being in pain, being sad and being at a loss for what to do next. You've taken a big step. It's just my opinion, but I think a visit with the doctor is the place to start. Getting a handle on the negative feelings is a great place to start - it's a weight off your shoulders so to speak .

Feel free to send me a private message if you'd like. I can't talk "band" with you yet, but I am a good listener. Please hang in there. This forum is a great place to find friends and get answers and the support that you deserve.

ThePoolGirl (Laura)

[txcraftr 0]

Hi Paige59. This is a great place to come for help. I used to weigh over 300 and when I did I could hardly get out of bed every day, I hurt so bad. I was also very depressed. My doctor started me on antidepressants and they really helped me to feel better and that made me a little more motivated to start moving. I started out on a stationary bike. I found one with a large seat, (actually at an estate auction for $1). I just started doing 5 minutes a day, then when it felt like I wasn't going to die after 5 minutes, I did 10 minutes, etc. until I got up to 30 minutes a day. My legs would go to sleep if I stayed on any longer than that but it helped me to get started. Then I would do it twice a day. I lost the first 25 pounds that way. When I exercise I am less hungry. Some say that when you exercise you don't want to screw it up by eating wrong right after but I find that I feel soooooo good after exercising that I don't want to eat as much as I did. Now, if I get lazy or get sick or depressed and quit then I'm right back where I was. I know it is hard to start but you just have to be like Nike and "DO IT!". I won't say it is easy. The sweat runs freely when you start and you may feel even more sore but whatever you do don't stop. If you take one day off because you hurt too much, it is easy to let it become 2 and 3 and 4, etc. Just keep at it and take it easy. You don't have to push yourself to the point that you are about to pass out, just start slowly. Your body will tell you when you can do more. You will be surprised at how fast your body will acclimate to moving and then you won't want to miss a day. The pool is a good choice if you have access to one but if you are like me I'm too shy to go anywhere to a pool, even if it belongs to friends and going to a gym where people can see me is actually still out of the question for me. I'm down to 250 and still have over 100 pounds to go and hoping to get the lap band to help me get over the hump. I know you can lose those 40 pounds. I recently found out I am allergic to wheat and gluten in breads, etc. and I feel a whole lot better if I don't eat it. If I have a day of eating bread I wake up the next day 5 pounds heavier. I wouldn't be surprised if at least half of the overweight people in this world are sensitive to gluten as well. When I eat bread or wheat I just can't stop eating but when I don't I feel satisfied with less. Believe me, I have tested it to the hilt and I know it is better if I never touch the stuff again. You might want to check out Kay Shepard on the web. She has a food plan for people with food addiction that really has helped me a lot, and you don't starve on it. I'll send you my email if you want it. I would be happy to help you in any way I can. I'm still waiting for my band but I believe it is near. Just "Never Give Up".

[JENNIFER7375 3]

Paige, i know its hard but you can do this!!!! the people that have posted before me are right. Just start of small and it will lead to great things. If you walk 20 steps and get winded, then take a break and go back at it when you are up to it. If you have pain meds take them before you exercise. If you are a soda drinker replace it with Water or diet soda. that alone can help tremendously. Start with small changes. when you see the difference the small things make it can make you want to go on to bigger changes.

You can do this. The people here are tremendously supportive. We're here for you!!! And please dont consider yourself friendless anymore!! Myself and countless others on this site will happily be there for you.

[china 1]

hi paige,

let me give you a few words when i started i was 436lbs and im 5'3. i joined the gym at first i couldn't do 5mins on the treadmill i got better in time now can do the elliptical for 45mins. hand in there it gets better. there will be good days and there will be bad days. do this for me honey reach for the starts and should you fall get you tail back up and start again. i believe you will get there. im pulling for you. see you at the finish line.

[SkinnyKathy 99]

Hi there, lots of good help and suggestions here on this thread, I just wanted to add my voice to the chorus of "yes, you can do this!" I was at 433 when I was banded and I had just about given up on ever getting back down to anything approaching normal weight ever again. So far I have lost about 65 pounds and losing more every week. The band isn't magic but it does make it a lot easier. Now, even though I still have quite a lot left to lose, I am much more active than I have been in years and I am finding the confidence to do all kinds of things that I never thought I would do at any weight, let alone still in the upper 300's. Having to lose weight before you can get the band is a bummer but seriously try adding Protein Shakes to your diet. I am surprised at how much of a difference it makes. I have even converted my husband now to having a Protein Shake for Breakfast instead of bagel with cream cheese. He needs to lose weight also but probably not enough to warrant a band. But he never thought he could make it all morning on just a Protein shake but now he is quite the believer. Just make small changes one at a time, and before you know it, it all adds up. Hang in there! Kathy

[SpecialK 22]

Hi Paige. One of the guys I work with is over 400 lbs and he mentioned that he challenged this trainer who was telling everyone to exercise and he said, well I can't because I can't walk very far or stand for long. She said are you willing to learn? He said Yes and she said come and sit on this chair and I will show you how to start exercisng gradually using a chair to sit while exercising. He said he took her up on that challenge and has tried to keep it up. I found this link for a book on chair based exercise regimen if you would be interested. You can also Google for other sitting while exercising ideas.

The Sitting Exercise Training Manual | Fitness and Freebies

God Bless and just take it a day at a time a step at a time.

[RestlessMonkey 7]

Hello, Paige59. You could almost be me, but I was older and fatter when I got the band. I weighed 405 and was 53 (I'm 5'5") when I went to the seminar. Please feel free to PM me or email me any time.

Now, as to how you start? You just do. One little fat foot in front of the other. I can say this from my own personal experience. I can tell you that I even made it through nursing school at that high weight. God only knows how, but I was very stubborn!

If you want a diet (very very austere but it pulls the weight off fast) that you can follow to lose that 1st 40 pounds, let me know. Did the surgeon TELL You you had to lose 40, or do you just think that? Mine had me on a liver shrink diet but there was no weight loss goal.

Once you get the band, you DO have to work it but if you've tried dieting before, and had limited success, only to relax or have life intrude and gain it back, the band can be a miracle.

So don't cry, don't be ashamed, don't be embarassed. You have a disease, a very poorly understood disease, called obesity. But with your wit, and your determination, you can get the upper hand, and have a healthier happier life. Drop me a PM or email, and let's get started on the new you, ok?

I've been there, done it. I'll gladly help you see the way out of the hole you're in.

[TwilightLover83 0]

I just wanted to share with ya, at my heaviest I was 362 1/2 at 5'3. I had to do something, my clothes wasn't fitting, my sister was getting married, I was supposed to be in one of those pretty little dresses. I started Jenny Craig, they helped me lose 55 pounds. They were my life saver, and then a couple years later, i decided on lap band. I slowly started at the gym, man I remember when 5min on the ellipitcal and i thought i was dying and that's all i could do. I slow increased. It's all about watching what goes in your mouth & moving your booty (even if it's only alittle). Good luck to you!!!!