not enough restriction, too much food! Very frustrated with myself!

amberose · November 2, 2003

I'm feeling very disgusted with myself right now! I was banded about three months ago, and had my first fill on Oct. 1st - and had lost 22 pounds, but have now gained about six back (so now I'm at only 16 pounds lost in 3 months). It's obviously time for another fill, but I can't make it to get one until December 19th (that't in forever!) because the closest fill doctor to North Dakota is in is Nebraska, and that's still about eleven hours away! So anyways, I totally binged today and- and I mean a BIG FAT BINGE. I obviously don't have much restriction at all because I can probably eat about as much now as I could before the surgery. I know that I should be able to exercise a little self control, but obviously I can't! I'm so angry at myself right now, I feel like I don't deserve to eat at all for like the next whole week - not even joking! And I almost feel even more pressure to lose weight than I did before getting the band, because here I went and flew to Mexico and spent my life's savings on this thing that I thought would change my eating habits forever, and all I have to show for it is a lousy 16 pound loss in three months! Oh, and not to mention that I put on about fifteen pounds within the three weeks before my surgery, just becasue I knew that I was going to have it done, so really it's like all the actual weight I've lost is 1 freakin pound - in three months! AAAAHHHH, I'm so mad! I just want to crawl up in a ball (a fat ball) and cry myself skinney - if that were possible, I'd do it! I just needed to vent :cry Thanks for listening (or should I say reading). I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have you guys!

~Amber~

leo · November 2, 2003

banded 8/05/03 by Dr. Joya

250 Highest

230/213/140

Amberose, your doing just great. from the highest you ever weighed to what you weigh now you have lost about 37 pounds. Thats 37 pounds that are gone forever.

Binging once in a while is totally acceptable, I do it all the time. Like you said yourself, its just time for a fill.

claraluz · November 2, 2003

Amberose, today I can really relate to what you've posted here. I was banded 2 months ago and even though I had my second fill two days ago, I still don't feel like I have enough restriction. I am eating the wrong foods, drinking with my meals, in short breaking all the rules and feeling somewhat disappointed in myself.

But remember: If you don't have any restriction, then nothing has really changed for you since the surgery. So you shouldn't be surprised that you are eating just as you did before the surgery. Just try and get the fill as soon as you can.

Also, Donali posted an exercise in this section which is designed to help us figure out why we eat. I'm going to do it. Working on our heads is an important part of this journey, I think. I started therapy the week after I was banded because I knew this was going to be a bumpy journey.

Most of all, please don't be mad at yourself. That only feeds into our eating problems, I think. Be gentle with yourself and know that you will be successful, but there is a lot to learn along the way.

Thanks for posting because in writing my reply to you, I've reminded myself of things I need to keep in mind.

Nancy

Alexandra · November 2, 2003

Hi Amberose,

I don't have any words of wisdom to impart except to say you are not alone! I'm sure many of the long-term success stories here started with episodes like the one you're describing. Try not to beat yourself up (though I KNOW that's very hard to do). This is a long-term journey we're all on, and it can take a while for all of the parts to fit into place (...she says while taking a slug of coffee along with her breakfast--a habit I'm extremely hard-pressed to break).

Like Leo says, you've made great progress since your highest weight. That's something I continually remind myself of, since the scale is not moving for me now either. You're likely a completely different shape than you were when you started. Try to appreciate that progress while you're in this holding pattern. Your next fill may make all the difference, and it may not. So try to be kind to yourself and keep your eye on the long-term!

Take care,

donali · November 2, 2003

Dear Amber -

Please do not yell at yourself - you are doing the very best that you can. Whether you lose your weight this year, next year, or the year after - you still have this wondeful tool to help you when you are ready and able emotionally.

food addiction is one of the very hardest to fight (I'm not making excuses, just "telling it like it is"). The good news is, IT CAN BE DONE!!! And the other good news is, IT WILL TAKE TIME. I call that good news, beause it gives us a chance to do this process gently, and with love.

Please turn off your negative tapes - everytime a negative thought creeps in, say out loud "STOP." Then say something positive, that is true - something you honestly believe. When I started, the best "positive" thought I could muster that I BELIEVED, was "I am working on this, and I AM going to get better." As I began to love myself more, I was able to graduate to "I am doing the best I can. I am getting better everyday. Today I am EXACTLY where I am supposed to be." One day I was actually able to say, "I love myself just the way I am. I am not broken, and do not need to be 'fixed.' I enjoy living a more healthy lifestyle. I am worth life, love and happiness." You know what? The negative voice got KILLED. I do not hear that terrible voice anymore, and it had been a part of me for 30 years. I believe that was my emotional turning point.

We all make less than healthy choices. We all become frustrated with our progress when it is not as fast as we think it "should" be. But no matter what has happened in the past, we CAN do better tomorrow! Nothing has been lost. We all focus on the weight part of this journey, but the more important side is what we can't see - the way we feel about ourselves. Once we feel good about ourselves, treat ourselves with love and respect, love OURSELVES unconditionally, the rest will fall into place.

I send you unconditional love. You are EXACTLY where you are supposed to be at this moment in time. You are getting better everyday. You are doing the very best that you can. You WILL succeed.

:banana

GeezerSue · November 2, 2003

Donali,

Please turn off your negative tapes - everytime a negative thought creeps in, say out loud "STOP." Then say something positive, that is true - something you honestly believe. When I started, the best "positive" thought I could muster that I BELIEVED, was "I am working on this, and I AM going to get better." As I began to love myself more, I was able to graduate to "I am doing the best I can. I am getting better everyday. Today I am EXACTLY where I am supposed to be." One day I was actually able to say, "I love myself just the way I am. I am not broken, and do not need to be 'fixed.' I enjoy living a more healthy lifestyle. I am worth life, love and happiness." You know what? The negative voice got KILLED. I do not hear that terrible voice anymore, and it had been a part of me for 30 years. I believe that was my emotional turning point.
We all make less than healthy choices. We all become frustrated with our progress when it is not as fast as we think it "should" be. But no matter what has happened in the past, we CAN do better tomorrow! Nothing has been lost. We all focus on the weight part of this journey, but the more important side is what we can't see - the way we feel about ourselves. Once we feel good about ourselves, treat ourselves with love and respect, love OURSELVES unconditionally, the rest will fall into place.

I send you unconditional love. You are EXACTLY where you are supposed to be at this moment in time. You are getting better everyday. You are doing the very best that you can. You WILL succeed.

If I had this tatooed across my forearms (where I can see it), would it be big enough to be legible?

Sue

donali · November 2, 2003

Sue -

I guess it would depend on how big your arm is... lol

My counselor made me write these things down and put them around the house where I would see them everyday! I felt it was silly, and embarassing, but I did it because I was paying a lot of money for her help. Thank goodness I live alone! lol

I have to admit that it did help. Well, I can't say that ONE thing helped, but the whole process together was effective.

amberose · November 4, 2003

I want to thank all of you for your positive support. Your words of wisdom have encouraged me and comforted me more than you will ever know And Donali, your positive thinking exercises are a very good idea, and actually I've been meaning to practive positive self talk, but I just never get around to it! And being an addiction counseling major (ironic huh!?!) and a psychology minor, you'd think that I would have tried to use my knowledge to cognitively reconstruct my thought process by now, but obviously I haven't! I know this sounds strange, but sometimes I feel like I'm at a disadvantage because I feel like there is nothing anybody can tell me that I haven't already used on someone else, and I guess I think that if I've already said it to someone else, it doesn't apply to me. Ya know what I mean?

Well thanks again, I appreciate you all so much, and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

~Amber~