Joke Thread

[the best me 6]

Saw a new cute Joke, thought I'd post it on the Joke thread and I can't find it. Anyone have any ideas where it went????

Here's a new one. I am not responsible for the Jokes of others. If you post one that is Adult in nature, please title appropriately.

Here's mine: Warning...gross but funny!!!

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to

the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers.

As he did she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked,

softly stoking his face with both hands.

"Actually no ..." he replied.

"Can you get him for me ... I need to speak to him," she said running her hands

beyond his beard and into his hair.< /p>

"I'm afraid I can't ..." breathed the bartender "Is there anything I can do

...?"

"Yes I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her

forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers

into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him," the bartender managed to mumble.

"Tell him," she whispered alluringly, "there's no toilet paper - hand soap - or

paper towels in the ladies room."

[the best me 6]

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD! It is a story told by one father to another. It is not atypical as one might think.

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "Come look at the lizard!" "Oh my gosh," my wife

diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't

want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she

inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, in my most

loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together.

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed

me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I

shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a

wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"OH, Gross!", they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we

going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to

>know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny

foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't

appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son

urged. "Okay, okay."

Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared,

giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the

same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could

talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in

my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my

son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do La maze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be

so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but

this boy is of her womb, for Pete's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little

animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I

suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs.

Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for

my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact,

that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a

young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male

species, they um ... um...masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying,

Mr.Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just... Excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly", the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence.

Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even

laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?", I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman

I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just ... that... I'm picturing

you pulling on its .. its ... teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son

back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - lizards -- $140... 1 - Cage -- $50... Trip to the Vet -- $30...

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's whacker...Priceless

[the best me 6]

One more, and I'm done cleaning out my e-mails of dumb but funny stuff. Enjoy!

Believe it or not you can read this.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt.

[paula 4]

I love the joke threads.

Letter to dad

A FATHER PASSING BY HIS SON'S BEDROOM WAS ASTONISHED TO SEE THE BED WAS NICELY MADE AND EVERYTHING WAS PICKED UP.

THEN HE SAW AN ENVELOPE PROPPED UP PROMINENTLY ON THE CENTER OF THE BED.

IT WAS ADDRESSED, "DAD".

WITH THE WORST PREMONITION, HE OPENED THE ENVELOPE AND READ THE LETTER WITH TREMBLING HANDS:

DEAR DAD,

IT IS WITH GREAT REGRET AND SORROW THAT I'M WRITING THIS. I HAD TO ELOPE WITH MY NEW GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE I WANTED TO AVOID A SCENE WITH MOM AND YOU.

I'VE BEEN FINDING REAL PASSION WITH BARBARA AND SHE IS SO NICE EVEN WITH ALL HER PIERCING, TATTOOS, AND HER TIGHT MOTORCYCLE CLOTHES.

BUT IT'S NOT ONLY THE PASSION DAD, BARBARA'S PREGNANT AND SHE SAID THAT WE WILL BE VERY HAPPY.

EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T CARE FOR HER AS SHE IS MUCH OLDER THAN I, SHE ALREADY OWNS A TRAILER IN THE WOODS AND HAS A STACK OF FIREWOOD FOR THE WHOLE WINTER.

SHE WANTS TO HAVE MANY MORE CHILDREN WITH ME AND THAT'S NOW ONE OF MY DREAMS TOO.

BARBARA TAUGHT ME THAT MARIJUANA DOESN'T REALLY HURT ANYONE AND WE CAN GROW IT FOR OURSELVES AND TRADE IT WITH HER FRIENDS FOR ALL THE COCAINE AND ECSTASY WE WANT.

IN THE MEANTIME, WE'LL PRAY THAT SCIENCE WILL FIND A CURE FOR AIDS SO BARBARA CAN GET BETTER; SHE SURE DESERVES IT!!

DON'T WORRY DAD, I'M 15 YEARS OLD NOW AND I KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.

SOMEDAY I'M SURE WE'LL BE BACK TO VISIT SO YOU CAN GET TO KNOW YOUR GRANDCHILDREN.

YOUR SON, JOHN

P.S. DAD, NONE OF THIS IS TRUE. I'M OVER AT THE NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE. I

JUST WANTED TO REMIND YOU THAT THERE ARE WORSE THINGS IN LIFE THAN MY REPORT CARD THAT'S IN MY DESK CENTER DRAWER.

I LOVE YOU!

CALL WHEN IT'S SAFE FOR ME TO COME HOME.

[paula 4]

An oldie, but a good one.

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well for my age".

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,hiking, or bicycling?" No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a hoot if you live to be 80?"

[NJChick 3]

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested. So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?

"No!" Donald quacked, "What kind of a pervert do you think I am?"

[scottygyrl 1]

a woman places a personal ad in the paper. She says: looking for a man that won't hit me, won't run away and is good in bed. She hears the door bell ring and she answers the door, and there is a man with no arms and no legs. He says "I'm here to answer your personal ad." he then said "I don't have arms so I can't hit you, I don't have legs so I can't run away." She says "well the last one was are you good in bed?" and he says "how do you think I rang the doorbell!"

[divaliciousdee 0]

I thought the girls could appreciate this

>

>

> Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married!

>

> The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I

told my

> husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the

hours

> passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.

>

> Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the

door,

> the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly,

> realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9

times. I

> was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted

> solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when

> totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos =

MIDNIGHT!)

>

> The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told

him

> "Midnight." He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with

that

> one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him

why?,

> he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said,

"Oh.

> sh$t

> cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times,

> giggled,

> cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and

farted."

>

>

[divaliciousdee 0]

Subject: CIRCUMCISED......THIS IS PRICELESS

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming

around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been

circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.

He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.

He did it and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk

with his ______ hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.

"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon,

she'd come and pick me up from school."

KIDS, DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THEM ???

[DeLarla 22]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job

it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One

day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God.

He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The

letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,

Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the

other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came

from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read,

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.

We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office.

Sincerely,

Edna

[coyotegirl 3]

I got this in my e-mail today! That's me right now! #3 #7 and #10. ARRRRGGGGHHHH

The many meanings of P-M-S:

1.Pass My Shotgun

2.Psychotic Mood Shift

3.Perpetual Munching Spree

4.Puffy Mid-Section

5.! People Make me Sick

6.ProvideMe withSweets

7.Pardon My Sobbing

8Pimples May Surface

9.Pass My Sweatpants

10.Pissy Mood Syndrome

11.Plainly; Men Suck

12.Pack My Stuff

...and my favorite one..

13.Potential Murder Suspect

[vinesqueen 2]

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday. I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.