How to deal with unsupportive friends/family

[Deekel 0]

Hi,

I'm new here. I am going to a Lap Band seminar in my area on July 14th. I've thought about Lap Band and Gastric Bypass for a couple of years and after talking to people who have had these surgeries and weighing the pros and cons, I've decided the Lap Band is the better choice for me. With the exception of my husband who wants to come with me to the seminar and be educated on how he can support me (he's never had a weight issue), I find I am surrounded by people who do not believe the Lap Band will work. I haven't told anyone yet that I am thinking of having it done myself. I have been feeling out friends and family to see how supportive they will be and if I can count on them. Not one has had anything positive to say. Over and over I hear the words, "The Lap Band doesn't work. Only gastric bypass works." How do they know??? None of these people have had it done. I know 2 people who had gastric bypass and almost died from complications. I know one person who had the Lap Band and gained almost all of her weight back- but because she never went back for a fill in 4 years and drinks milk shakes every day. I feel like I am surrounded by people who would be waiting for me to fail. I should get angry and say to myself, "I'll show them." but I find myself wondering if they're right. Nothing else has worked for me so why should this? Has anyone else had this problem of almost non existant support?

[kkarryall 0]

I am very lucky in that I have a lot of supportive friends and family. However; I have been very selective in who I tell about my surgery. I too was afraid that maybe it wouldn't work for me. It wasn't until I lost about 70lbs that I told my dad's side of the family about the lapband. Once i told them, I was very honest and siad that the only reason I didn't tell them was because i was so worried that it wouldn't work for me. My advice to you is to not tell anyone that you are not comfortable telling. Once you are successful you may change your mind.

Good luck!

[Toot 0]

Hi Deekel,

Two years ago I did the very same thing you did. I tested my friends and family by asking their opinions about bariatric surgery. I got some crazy responses and was hurt by some of them "why would you do that" "that doesnt make sense" "you aren't meant to be skinny" "you should workout and watch your portions" blah blah blah. In the end I didn't have surgery, and here I am now bigger than ever. This time around my attitude is different. I'm having surgery 7/23 and I don't care to know what "they" think. I have only told a few important people. The others don't matter right now. The truth is "they" don't know enough about it to give a valid opinion anyway. My health and happiness is up to me not them and yours is too. Sometimes we need to take a moment for ourselves and forget about all the "theys" in our life and think about YOURSELF. As you will read in this forum, the Lapband works with who works with it. If you are as tired as everyone else is, you will have to forget about "they" and think about you. I hope you are able to find peace in our decision.

[MissK 0]

Hi Deekel,

Before you can convince others to believe in you, you need to ensure you believe in yourself. You need to be sure that this is what you want to do, and why.

I didn't know if the people around me would be supportive or not, so I didn't tell people until after I had been to the seminar and decided to go ahead with the consult. When I decided to have the consult, only my immediate family knew. Only once I made the decision to go ahead with it, and it was clear in my mind that I was making the right choice for me, did I share my plans with others.

When I told them, it wasn't telling them that I was thinking about doing it and asking for their opinions; it was an announcement. I am having lap band surgery.

Be prepared for people to ask why, they will. I was ready with answers. The vicious dieting circle that brought no results, the health risks that obesity is threatening to deliver, the psychological trauma of being overweight, the need for a solution once and for all.

The message I gave to the people around me was clear; this is my body, my choice. They also have a choice to make, they can either be supportive or they can no longer play a major role in my life.

Be prepared to distance yourself from the toxic people in your life, and stick to your guns.

Believe in yourself!

[Fae 0]

Funny how things work out. When I first became interested in the surgery, my father passed it off as some sort of scam and didn't even want to go to the seminar with me. He thought it was some kind of thing I saw on TV as an infomercial : / But after he went, he started to turn around. When the weight started to come off after I had the surgery, then he really believed. You can change people's opinions, but sometimes it takes some coaxing.

[doodlebug11 0]

Good Morning!! I was banded on 4/6/09 and I chose to tell my family and only 2 people that I work with, and people at my small church found out by accident. My family was not supportive, although, they did not say don't do it but they didn't say go for it ,either. They don't ask very often how much I have lost, in fact my DD#2 told me once when we were going out to eat, I couldn't go because I couldn't eat! The one thing I have noticed is that the people that knows does not ask how I'm doing and the people who doesn't know have given me all kinds of compliments! The bottom line is, I had to do what I thought was best for me!! My family is NOT the ones who have to stand on their feet for 10 or 12 hrs. a day and they don't have arthritis in their knees and they are not the ones who want a better life for ME !! Would I do it again? YES, I would !!! You have to do what is best for you ! I have been over weight for the last 35 yrs. and if diets would have kept the weight off, I would have never had a weight problem!! Hopes this helps and good luck on your decision!!

[ReadyOrNot 0]

This is a journey you have to go on for yourself, not anybody else. If you are ready to commit to a huge life style change and follow the rules of the band, then the band will work for you, if you aren't ready for that commitment yet, then the band might not be the right choice for you right now. You can't listen to what every else says, only you know what is best for you. I didn't tell many people of my surgery, the ones I did tell I knew would be supportive of me regardless of my weight. I didn't want the additional pressure of everyone watching every move I make and judging everything I put in my mouth. There is stigma that comes with being over weight but I also find a stigma with weight loss surgery. People thinking you took the easy way out when you could have done it by yourself with no surgery if you just ate less, which we all know works for a while but then the weight comes back. I'm relatively new to this process having only been banded for 3 months, but so far I'm really pleased with the band, and can see how this will help me stay on track for the long haul, as long as I don't give up on the band, the band won't give up on me.

[gone 4 ever 6]

Hi,

"I'll show them." but I find myself wondering if they're right. Nothing else has worked for me so why should this? Has anyone else had this problem of almost non existant support?

You have to get over your stinken thinken! Or it won't work. Your friend didn't go in for fills. it won't work without fills! You have to decide what is right for you, not them.

Good luck.

[emjay 8]

Deekel - If I were you and didn't have any support outside of your husband...I wouldn't tell ANYBODY else. Only you and your husband have to know. If someone asks why you are only eating small portions or certain foods, just tell them you are watching what you eat. Nothing more. Is it really any of their business?

You take alot of pressure off yourself if you limit the amount of people that you tell. I made the mistake of telling some people I shouldn't have and now when I go somewhere, I feel that's what their gossiping about. But I'm old enough to not really give a sh*t most of the time.

If you have a supportive husband, that may be all you need. You have many people here on this forum that can help you at any time. This is about YOU. If you're ready, you can make this a personal journey and decide to tell them a few years down the road or never. The choice is yours. Some people have a way to make you feel really poorly about your decision to have surgery. Like it's the easy way out or you're a failure. Don't give them that power. Their ignorance about the lap band doesn't need to sabotage your success.

[Dee 39]

I made the now mistake of not telling anyone till I was leaving (I went to Mexico). I wish I had kept it to myself! I am still not sure it would have a made a difference if I had told them earlier.

My DD#1 still has attitude, and my sister who is my very best friend seems to have written me off (we don't live close but used to talk everyday). I heard "You have lost weight before" "You don't need to do that" (yes but I gained it all back + more sooooooo many times-I am done!) They don't live in my body. I had surg 4/26/09 and I am still learning about how to eat but I am committed. When I went for my first fill the RN (who has a band herself) said "You never have to gain the weight back" That is the #1 reason I decided to have a lapband. I am very hopeful this will work for me (only time will tell).

emjay,

The bottom line is you live in your body, most people are so self centered they won't notice you are eating smaller amounts! Good luck with your journey.

"No matter where you go you have to take yourself with you"

[SunnyRachel 7]

I think that the emotional side of this decision is the hardest thing to overcome... not only what you fear others will do or say, but also your own doubt. We all doubt ourselves. We all worry that we will fail again. I think that this is really what's behind our trouble with deciding who to tell, if anyone...we wonder what THEY will say or do IF we fail again.

You have to believe that you will not fail this time. It's hard to see it that way, but unless you believe you will succeed, it just makes these other issues more complicated. Once you believe in yourself, it all just slips away out of your head. You can easily find yourself saying, "Who cares about what they think?! I'm finally happy!"

I have toxic people around me too, and they know nothing... even seeing me lose weight -- and not one compliment comes out of their mouths. There are times I think it will be hard to keep it my business and not theirs, like family get-togethers, but it has been okay. I just eat what I feel like and am capable of, and it is so much less stressful than answering, "Can you eat that? Should you eat that? How much can you eat?" If I felt they asked questions like that for their education rather than to police me or judge me, I would be open about it and gladly answer. Sadly, that's just not how it works with some people.

You don't have anything to prove to anybody. It's hard to see that right now because you are so full of emotion and fear and doubt about things. I felt that too. Once I decided though that I am not a failure and that it's okay to need the help that the band offers, I started feeling really good. I get excited about every little victory, every little change that I make, and these concerns about other people have been fading away quickly. I won't say they are completely gone... but I feel too good about the positive change I've made that I no longer feel like I'm a slave to anybody's judgment.

You can do anything! You just need to believe it. It will happen. I wish you all the best.

[Deekel 0]

Wow! I'm so impressed with all of you. You have the confidence that I hope to have one day. I appreciate everyone's input but most imortantly I'm glad to know that others have felt the way I do and you moved past it. I feel like it's time for me to do something important for ME. MY health and well being. I will go to the seminar with an open mind and if I wish to move foward (which I think I do), I will leave it as a personal decision that I will not seek approval from my family and friends for. If it gets too lonley again, at least I know there is a place I can go (here!) where I will not be laughed at and will receive support if I need it. Thank you very much for your honesty, it really helped.

[babertm 0]

Deekel,

I was banded on 3/30/09. I did things a little different from most people. I told everyone! I had both positive and negative comments. I wanted this so bad. My hubby was supportive, but was nervous. I took him with me to the seminar so he could talk with the doctor. I actually wanted the gastric bypass, but hubby was more comfortable with the band. And in the end, the band has been the best choice. I needed the accountability from others. Plus I was so excited, I couldn't shut up. lol!! I am down 31 pounds. It's a great tool to help. I agree with everyone though. You have to make the decision for yourself. This is about you. Best of wishes. God Bless You!

[SunnyRachel 7]

Yay, Deekel!!! You can move forward, no matter which path you choose! You can make a change for the better for YOURSELF! I'm so glad you see that, and I hope nobody will interfere with your determination again. Keep us updated! Take care!

[FailureIsntAnOption 0]

Hi Deekel,

I have not taken the time to read other responses to your post. I am just going to give you my perspective here.

It shouldn't really matter what anybody says or thinks about your decision to get the lap band. As long as you have a supportive spouse and you are ready to take this step then I say go for it. If I were you, I would have the surgery then let the people closest to you know what you have done and let them know you could really use their support not their criticism.

You must go into this realizing that the only help the band will give you is in eating less/have a decreased appetite. You still will have to exercise a great deal of self control over what you put in your mouth. You will have to work just as hard as any other diet you have done. You will have to exercise regularly in order to loose and maintain.

My experience since being banded 4/17/09 has been a huge learning curve. I am learning a lot about myself as well as the affect certain foods have on my weight. Since I am perimenopausel the weight is coming off even slower than I imagined. The emphasis here should be on that the weight is coming off. I exercise for 30 minutes 3 times per week and the other 4 days I take a long, strenuous bike ride with my husband. I weigh daily which at times is discouraging BUT, I can see the result of eating even just a little of the wrong thing. Thus, the learning curve.

If you have tried all other non-surgical means to loose weight and have failed at keeping it off, but still are determined to loose the weight........I say go for the lap band!

Much luck to you in making a decision and sticking with it.