female only Breaking up with my Mom

[Gone4Now 4]

You are right! I know everything you say makes sense.

So, why can't I bring myself to do it?

I have limited time with her...and also DD's. I feel that it's a good first step, but even seeing her once a month sometimes is too much.

We're having lunch together today, and I'll see her often this week since my aunt is in town. I have to choose restaurants w/soup because when I'm around mom I tighten up from the stress.

Which, of course has her questioning my band, from "Why did you get that thing? You can't eat anything." to "Oh, you poor baby...what's wrong?" Nothing I say convinces her of anything, so I just keep my trap shut.

One day I'll snap!

[Nanook 2]

Glouc,

After reading your history in another thread with your family I'd say break up asap unless she wants to go into some type of family therapy with you, and you pick the therapist. Good luck, Nancy.

[Cleo's Mom 257]

As someone who has had more than her share of family problems, I can sympathize with you, Gloucester.

I use a slightly different category for people than energizers and leeches. I call the leeches toxic people. I simply will not have them in my life. Even if they are related to me. Therefore, my brother, his wife, their children, my mother in law and her two sons (former brothers in law) are no longer part of my life.

I expect people to treat me in an acceptable way. If not, they are out of my life. Unless, of course, they apologize and are willing to treat me in an acceptable way.

I was diagnosed with cancer in 2002, my husband in 2003. He lost his battle in 2005 at the age of 56. When something like this hits you, you quickly find out who your friends are. And I am telling all of you a truth:

YOU DO NOT HAVE AS MANY FRIENDS AS YOU THINK YOU HAVE.

Life if too short to waste on those who don't have your best interest at heart. This includes relatives.

Write your mother a letter. Tell her how you expect to be treated. Tell her what she does that is unacceptable. Tell her that you care about her but if she is going to continue to be part of your life then she will have to treat you in an acceptable way. Be specific. Then find a way to sever the financial ties. Whatever you have to do. Because you can't sever the emotional ties if you are financially tied.

All I have now are my two kids, their spouses and a few cousins and a few good friends. But that is fine with me. I would rather have a smaller pool of people who do treat me right than engage in daily emotional battles with those who don't.

My life is better for not having the toxic people in them.

Yours will be too.

[Jul 0]

I broke off with my family. It was a very difficult decision. I unfortunatly don't have time to discuss it further, but I will definatley share my experience with you tomorrow. I know how much it means to hear from people in the same boat when it's concerning your parents.

[Gone4Now 4]

Well, a small update:

My aunt (mom's sister) is in town. So, I've been spending a little more time over there than normal. Mom has been very stressed over things - this is why we don't do holidays at her house. She gets all stressed and snaps at everyone, makes us feel guilty for not doing anything, but then won't let us do anything.

So, Sunday, we were over there for a BBQ and swimming with my aunt and we were cooking and putting stuff everywhere and there was a mess in the kitchen - but it was a fun mess. Mom started in on her normal bitchy attitude and I said, "Are you grumpy?" she said she wasn't grumpy, so then I said, "Then quit being a bitch. If you are grumpy, then tell me why and we'll fix it, otherwise, stop being this way." I walked outside and left her to stew a while. Later she came and apologized.

I was floored. Mom NEVER apologizes. She's the "I'm sorry BUT..." person.

So, I see it as a small break through. Me telling her nicely that she's mean doesn't work. Apparently me calling her a bitch hit home.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about it and I'm not sure I'm ready to "break up" with her. I am ready to stop giving her money and only help her when she asks nicely. (Her sink is broken, and has been for a good 6 months. DH bought the parts to fix it, but it was a few weekends before he could go. So, while we were at Discount Tire, buying HER new tires, he said to her, "We'll come over this weekend and I'll fix that sink." She, stupidly and bitchily replied: "Well, I've learned to live with it now." MISTAKE! So, DH shrugged it off and returned the parts to Home Depot! LOL Priceless....)

So, after that incident, we are standing firm that we will not help her AT ALL with money. We will with things around the house, but she has to ask nicely. We are no longer volunteering.

I can't believe that I haven't made these steps before. It dawned on me that I was being as drastic as she always is. There is a middle ground...I just need to distance myself.

Edited July 8, 2009 by Gone4Now
typo...I'm sure there are more.

[Jul 0]

I know how difficult it is to come to this type of decision since I have been through it myself. I don't claim to have any real words of wisdom, but I just wanted to share my story with you and hope it helps. I'm going to try to abreviate it, but I come from a highly disfunctional family so there is a lot to my story. The basic foundation is my father was an alcoholic, he was just down right mean. He was so mean, that when I was a little girl I thought he was the devil. My mother is one of these people who is very mean and cold, but presents herself to people like "poor me". She and my father used to fight, very violent fights. To the point where when I was little several times in the middle of the night I had to run to the neighbors so they could call the police, and the next day we would pick up my dad from jail .It became pretty routine. My brother was 10 years older than me, and my sister 5 yrs older. My dad and my brother used to fight constantly as well.

Needless to say growing up I had much resentment pain and anger. Both my parents were mentally abusive. I don't know how many times I was told by my mother "If I had it to do over again I wouldn't have kids." My dad was always very insulting and he had an annoying way of saying something mean with a smirk on his face then when I'd get mad he'd be like "oh I'm just kidding don't be so sensitive." That was always my mom's favorite saying too " don't be so sensitive" Well that gives you an idea of what I endured growing up. It really didn't get any better when I became an adult either. To top it off, after I got married they started to treat my husband badly too. My mom really didn't like him, mostly because he wasn't a rich man, but also because he isn't the type to put up with much. I tried moving to another state for awhile, it still wasn't good enough for me. They still haunted me. Even thier messages on my anwering machine would get me upset. They aren't the type you can talk to, they do not listen at all. When my mom would call me it was all about her, she didn't want to hear anything about me, she always depended on me emotionally, but was never there for me.

I wrote them a very long letter telling them all that bothered me. Broke it off for two years, then broke down and contacted them. It was slightly better for awhile, but they quickly went back to their old ways. I couldn't take it any longer, I wrote them another letter saying good bye, and why. It's been a little over a year now. I don't have anything to do with my sister, she became very involved with drugs, I tried to help her but couldn't. My brother commited suicide almost a year ago now. It's not easy, I always think of things like how weird it will be if I don't even know whether or not they've passed away. But they are just too harmful to me. I too as someone mentioned consider people toxic if their bad for me. In fact there is a book called Toxic Parents. It helped me quite a bit. Of course therapy has helped. I wish you the best, I know how painful this is. But even if you don't cut it off with your mom, at least cut off form her finacially ASAP. It sounds difficult since you live so close to her. I'm here if you want to discuss this. I'm open to any quetions as well. Take care

[Gone4Now 4]

Jul,

I am so sorry for your story. It brought tears to my eyes about your brother! It sounds a lot like my situation. I have an older brother (11 years, by her first husband) and he was heavily into drugs and alcohol. I'm sure he still lights up every now and then, but he has managed to turn his life around. He left VA when he was 20 and she didn't follow him! I move to TX - where she says she'll NEVER live, and she followed me! I'm sure she would again, if I moved away.

I can say that *most of the time* my mom isn't really mean for the sake of being mean. She used to be, but she's calmed down a lot. I think she just wants to be taken care of, but doesn't really know how to interact with people. Although, she has told me before that she should never have had me. She was older and she and my dad got along great until I was born. Then, he still wanted to go out and she had to stay home. I think she feels she sacrificed for me, now it's my turn to reciprocate. I don't feel that way - now, but I did for a long time.

The other day she was stressed over my aunt's visit and she got so mad at one of my dogs she through something at her. I gathered up our stuff and left and my DD said, "I can't believe she threw something." I said, "oh, I believe it!" When I was a kid, she'd grab anything that was near her and throw at me. Shoes, books, a plant once! She had a temper! Now she's just kinda pathetic.

Since I told her being bitchy to me wasn't acceptable, she's been much better. I think I just need to keep her behavior on a short leash and stay in control. When I start trying to be the daughter and put her in control is when things go to hell. She's not a fit parent - never was and never will be.

Good luck with you staying strong. Do you feel you'll call them again, or are you done forever? If they contacted you, what would you do?

[Jul 0]

At this point I don't feel I will contact them again. I mean the last time we spoke was when my husband had lost his job and we needed a place to stay temporarily since the apartment we had was too expensive on one salary. Keep in mind she has a 3 bedroom house, with an empty bedroom no one is using. I asked if we could stay there until we fix our situation, and even offered her some money. She did her usual huff and puff and was like "oh well I don't know, I have to think about it" the next day she had my older sister leave a message on my answering machine saying "we're not happy about you wanting to stay here, you better stay out of our way". I was just crushed. It took me so much courage to ask for help in the first place because she has always been so terrible about it in the past and always made me feel guilty if she did help me. But I was desparate. We ended up having to live in the middle of my in laws livingroom for a little while. My in laws are so selfless, and will help in any way they have the ability to. Obviously it wasn't ideal since we didn't have our own bedroom, but we were extremely grateful for their help. Then on thanksgiving night my father in law passed away of cancer. I was devistated since he was the only one who ever really showed me how fatherly love could be. I was so thankful to have him in my life for the 11 years I knew him. He and my mohter in law left the house to me and my husband. They are truly incredible. I'm so thankful I was at least fortunate to have such wonderful in laws, and my brother in law is great too.

In my mind, I think if they were to contact me I would want to turn them away. Unless they had a complete sincere apology and I could actually see a change in them. My therapist who I have been seeing for 13 years on and off thinks it would be a big mistake to reconnect with them,she thinks they do more harm than good for me. She doesn't think they will ever change. I don't either. It's a little easier to accept my situation if I accept they are who they are and that's it.

You don't owe your mother anything for taking care of you. It was her decision to have you, you didn't ask to be born. It was her respsonsibility to care for you. The fact that she saw taking care of you as a sacrifice is proof she shouldn't have had kids. It's one thing to be there for your parents because they treated you well and you want to take care of them. But since she was not very good to you, don't feel obligated. especially out of guilt. I hope you are able to make things toloerable between you and your mother. Because it is very hard, even when it's neccesary to be apart. But if it starts doing you more harm than good to be around her, maybe you need to rethink your situation. Good luck, God Bless and take care.

[Enchanted 2]

I've not talked with my family of origin for more than 15 years now. It's been difficult and I think about them all of the time.

My suggestion is that you try a trial separation. No need to be big and dramatic about this - you're simply not available.

Try it for a month - maybe you just need a break from the action.

Or..try seeing your family on your terms. You can limit the time, limit the location. Maybe you limit it to just email for awhile?

I do think it's sometimes necessary to sever all communications, but it's a last resort.

Have you thought about talking with a therapist about this? They can listen and help you make the best decision for you and your family.

xoox