a non-supportive spouse...

[katwmn63 0]

I am going through my preop testing...and though I haven't lied outright, I haven't been completely open to my husband about my intentions to have the surgery. I told him I wanted to have the surgery several months ago... he just said that was rediculous, that I should just diet and exercize. He has always been negative about any kind of medical intervention for weight loss... about anything really. He sees it as being weak. I drop bits of info here and there that, I am seeing the doctor, how I am preparing for a major change in eating, etc. I think he knows my intentions and is almost afraid to ask.

I am a very independant woman. Noone tells me what to do when it comes to my health. He knows this about me and though I KNOW he will complain, he also loves this about me..that I am strong willed. My adult kids are very supportive as are my dearest friends and my dad.

My question is....will this be enough? Has anyone else had a spouse that didn't support their decision? If so how did they handle this?

[thinneranniesoon 0]

WOW, I don't know that I would have been able to keep something as drastic as this from my husband when I was married, or my boyfriend now.

Even though I am independent, I am also honest.

A large percentage of relationships do not survive after one person has surgery, i could not imagine not having the support system.

Both my boyfriend and ex husband are happy for me, and there for me. My surgery is in 10 days.

I am going through my preop testing...and though I haven't lied outright, I haven't been completely open to my husband about my intentions to have the surgery. I told him I wanted to have the surgery several months ago... he just said that was rediculous, that I should just diet and exercize. He has always been negative about any kind of medical intervention for weight loss... about anything really. He sees it as being weak. I drop bits of info here and there that, I am seeing the doctor, how I am preparing for a major change in eating, etc. I think he knows my intentions and is almost afraid to ask.

I am a very independant woman. Noone tells me what to do when it comes to my health. He knows this about me and though I KNOW he will complain, he also loves this about me..that I am strong willed. My adult kids are very supportive as are my dearest friends and my dad.

My question is....will this be enough? Has anyone else had a spouse that didn't support their decision? If so how did they handle this?

[Jane_S 0]

I had an unsupportive spouse, but he has changed his mind.

Like yours, he believes it's all just a matter of 'calories in, calories out'. He just doesn't get the idea of food addiction or emotional eating. He lived five years as an elite athlete playing professional sport and has never had a weight problem. And he hasn't had two 11 pound babies like I have.

I took him to the seminars, got him to read a couple of books and even showed him this site. He wouldn't budge. 'If you just ate less and exercised more, you'd be right'. Sigh, and if I could follow that simple formula, I wouldn't be fat, right?

Finally, it was a neighbour who saved the day. My husband asked him for his opinion and the neighbour said 'I hear it's great, works for alot of people'. Now, my husband is supportive, even though he still doesn't get it.

My point being, is there someone whose opinion your husband totally respects, independent of you? Sometimes it takes 'social proof' for an idea to sink in as being worthy.

[noosagirl 0]

Yep I was the same. I dropped hints for a few months and he thought I was just crazy and lazy with no self control. But I had made my mind up and I got banded last september. I only told few people about getting banded and those people few people are still the only ones that know i've been banded and those few people think that it is such an extreme thing to do.

Getting banded is one of the best and smartest things that I have ever done and has made me very happy lady.

[nano 0]

Dear Kspearker

I had unsupportive husband too, he thinks that what i need is to excersice more and less food but what he doesnt know is the food addection thing (

so when to the dr, did the blood test, ultrasound, x-ray,..... all by myself :cool:( And being Arab woman I had to have my husband aproval, so it took me very long to convince him eventhough I will be paying all the expenses on my own, because I am a very independent woman :smile:) so Finaly he said that you dont need it but if you want to go a head with it its you choice... and I am very happy now and my operation is on june 6, in five days :bat:)))

I think eventually he will support you just because you want it ) still my husband doesnt know or even havent read anything about the prosedure, but it dosent bother me because I am doing this for myself )) at least he agreed now on the prosedure )

[Dana36 0]

My husband is very supportive, but my brother was not supportive when I first mentioned the surgery. I am extremely close to my family, and feel that I need my immediate relatives on board as they are my support system. I want them to be informed when I have this surgery and know what is going on.

So, I went to his home to spend the night with him and his family. I sat and talked with him at length. I showed him my research, talked with him about my medical issues, and told him that I understood that he was scared for me.. I'm his little sister, but that I need a tool to help me. I explained as a tool, not a miracle cure, but rather something that would help me with an addiction.

He is still not 100% in favor of surgery, but he is 100% supportive of me.. if that makes any sense.

[ksk 0]

I could have posted ALL of the above posts about my husband!!!!

He needs to understand that this is not a "magic bullet" and will still require hard work on your end. As I posted in another thread, the way I explained it was along the lines similarly with getting a math tutor for our son. He still needed to do the work to achieve the best possible outcome when it was report card time, but he needed extra help and support outside of the school setting in order to get there. Same thing with me - After 17 yrs of marriage, 3 kids and a very public life, this was the extra help I needed - My "tutor"...

I am very excited to begin this new chapter in my life (surgery is June 3rd! THIS WEEK!!! :cool:) and he sees how excited I am about this. In the end, I know he still doesn't understand completely and he'll still make small comments about not getting enough exercise, but I do know that he has come a long way from when I 1st mentioned this to him. At the very least, I now see that he is excited to see MY excitement and is "coming around." How can he not be happy for me about something that is making me sooooo excited & happy?

My advice is to move forward with your plans if you are sure this is what you want to do and are ready for the challenges that lie ahead. Be open & honest with him if and when he shows interest and put your power behind YOU and not feed into his negativity. You deserve the right to better yourself without anyone's permission!!! And if he does love you unconditionally, then he needs to trust your decision to do this... Good luck!

[Kristine73 1]

I have lost over 100 lbs TWICE! The, gained it all back, plus some. So, in my mind, I have a 100% failure rating when it comes to my 'keeping the weight off' ability. My hubs sees it as a 100% success rate because I DID lose the weight, twice.

I've explained to my hubs that I am doing this for my health. I don't want to "expire" in 10 years because I can't keep the weight off. So, I look at this as a preventative measure. I don't mind dieting to lose the weight. This is a tool to help me NOT gain it back. He's ok with that. It took him awhile to come around, he never told me NO. He's more worried about the surgery and any pain I'll have when recovering.

Good luck with your surgery and your relationship

Kristine

[LindaD 3]

Have him read the book: The Hungry Gene, the inside story of obesity. And then see if he still thinks it's just not enough will power.

Once you're morbidly obese, your odds of doing this on your own and succeeding are about 2%, from what the experts have told me. If that's true, and I assume it to be, I wouldn't bet my money on success that way. I'm 44 and I already personally know THAT story.

I'd educate him, and ask for his support. Tell him you're doing it anyway, but you'd much rather do it with his support.

My husband was reluctantly supportive. LOL He worried about the risk of the procedure, he's worried about how this new way of eating will change "our" lives, he's worried that I'll be wearing a size 3 at the end (he likes curvy women). But he's walked the path with me every step. Now that I'm 2 days post-op, I'm so very glad to have him here to help me.

[katwmn63 0]

This is something I will definately try...and I know just the person. Thank You!!

[katwmn63 0]

This is something I must do for me... with or without his support. I feel better knowing I am not alone in this ...that others have experienced this with their spouses. I feel even better knowing that many of you met this challenge with success. I will too.

THANK YOU ALL!!!

[juliansmom2003 3]

OMG these posts really hit home for me. My husband constantly says how much he loves me the way I am, how he loves my body and curves, that I don't need surgery--we just need to eat better and exercise more (mind you, he is as thin as a rail and doesn't gain weight :confused:).

I went last week for an appointment with my primary to get her thoughts on me being a candidate for this and she couldn't agree more. I am currently 100 lbs overweight and have diabetes, bp issues and heart disease on both sides of my family as well. When I told her the surgeon I was considering, she gave him rave reviews and told me she'd provide the letter of necessity for the insurance to cover it. Even after that appointment and telling my husband what my doctor said in agreement and the process I would need to follow pre-surgery, he still told me that he'd be supportive of whatever my decision was, but he didn't think this was something I needed to do.

I really think that some of the hubbies may not 'get it' if they are not in the same situation. The mentality is----to lose weight, just diet and exercise and it will come off, but for some of us that have been on this roller coaster all of our lives, that is just not the case.

Hang in there. You have a great forum for support and a bunch of people not only going through the same thing, but will be there to help whenever you need it.

((HUGS))

[HotMama24 0]

That will be hard, I would imagine. My husband was 110% supportive of whatever I was doing to get myself healthy. Two days after surgery, I got the flu...yes recoverying, on liquids and had the worst bout of the flu I have ever had. I was in the worst pain of my life (and I've had two c-sections) this was nothing compared to that. If my husband hadn't been there by my side supporting me and doing whatever he could for me, I would have been a mess (more so than I already was).

I would try to talk to him about the risks and benefits of the surgery and have him come in and talk wtih the surgeon to get out any worries he has. Keeping him in the dark is NOT the answer. You will need him.

Good luck! :confused:

[Big Momma is Shrinking 0]

When I first decided the band was the answer for me my hubby said "I don't know how I feel about that." I lef him no in no uncertain terms that this was not HIS desicion to make. I live in this body not him, and he has no idea how it feels to carry around all this extra weight, how badly all my joints hurt all the time.

Now maybe I didn't start off with the best approach, but we talked more, I took him with me to a siminar and then he began to understand more. He's seen me lose weight...and then gain it all back again. I think one of the main reasons he was hesitiant in the begining was that the idea of this scared him, to him better for me to be fat then dead.

He was able to ask question, the surgeron has a cpl of ladies in the office that are lap banders and very open about their stories, he had lots of questions, but once he was able to talk to someone that's been there it helped a great deal to put his mind at ease.

I had his complete support long before I ever went into the operating room. Weightloss is a hard battle we fight with ourselves everyday, you need your spouse on your side, not fighting against you. I hope that you can talk and perhaps he can meet someone who's already been there to help give him a clearer picture.

Good luck to you!!!

~Monica

[LindaD 3]

Yep, my husband was scared too. Even now, a week post surgery (nearly), he's still worried about me. It's sometimes sweet that he treats me like a china doll but so unnecessary, and sometimes not so sweet. :lol Still, his heart is in the right place.