Troubled bandster needs advise (may be a little TMI for some readers)

[JWhipple 0]

This probably isn't the right place to look, in fact I have already seen a doctor and plan on seeing a counselor PDQ, but I need to solicit some help and feedback from the many good people I have talked to on this forum.

The situation as of current. Thursday of last week, while at home on vacation, I got "the call" from work informing me that I had been laid off after having been there 9 1/2 years. Sunday after that my wife announced that she was moving out.

Between the two of these incidents, in addition to some deep depression that I had falled into recently because of the issues that my wife and I have been experiencing, I feel like my whole life is in a downward spiral.

Monday I went to the doctor and got prescribed Prozac for the depression - God please let it start working quickly because I can't take how I am feeling much longer!

A little background to the issues with my wife. She and I had our 2nd anniversary on 5/12. We were both banded on 12/8/08. Before that she had some personal issues (out of respect for her I won't give any details publicly) that drove her into a depression and ultimately onto anti-depressant medications. After starting to take them she was the woman that I married again and I couldn't be happier!

She stopped taking them for a while because they were no longer having any effect, which from what I understand is simply NOT a good idea. She got into some hellacious mood swings and we fought a lot. The problem with the fighting was not because of what she was saying, but rather, what she was not saying. She would not open up to me what she was upset about, regardless whether or not it related to me or something that I had done. I eventually would get it out of her that she was mad at me, but, never got any details of what I had done, not done, or otherwise.

Because of the stress of her issue that prompted her to go onto the anti-depressants and a lot of workplace stress, I had to go onto blood pressure medication because I got to the point of having extremely high pulse (160-170 BPM) resting.

As a result of these blood pressure meds, I experienced one of the ugly side effects - erectile disfunction and total lack of desire. "Things" would work, but required some work to get them into "drive".

She took this personally as if I was no longer attracted to her , which could not be ANY further from the truth - she's the most beautiful woman I have ever know, inside and out, and I love her with all of my heart!

This caused some fights as well and got her thinking that I was cheating on her, which could not be further from the truth.

We went through some bad months and good months. She ended up going back to the doctor and got the dosage of the anti-depressant increased, which helped out a bit. About 2 months ago we got into a pretty bad fight and then it came out - she had cold-turkey stopped taking the meds again.

About a week later she told me that she was sorry for everything that she had been putting me through. This honestly lifted a lot of weight from my shoulders.

After a trip up north to see her family, she came back and I felt the weight again. She was upset about something that I did but wouldn't tell me.

I took it upon myself to go see the doctor about the erectile disfunction and he gave me a couple of sample packs of Cialis. (NOTE - This stuff works, and works WELL - but ONLY if you actually have some form of ED!) I told my wife about it and we put them to use. She was very satisfied!

A few good weeks went by again and we hit another brick wall. We had another huge fight, which I didn't find out what we were even fighting about for a few more weeks, but come Sunday, she announced that she was moving out.

Her explanation is she doesn't feel the same way about me that she used to. "It's not you, it's me". "I love you but I am not in love with you."

In my heart I can't help but think these are cop-outs, but, I must say that everything in the past she has told me I took at face value and it ended up being just what she said. I can't help but think though that maybe she's seeing someone else, maybe she feels that she can do better than me now that she's lost over 60 pounds, maybe it's the ED issues I'm seeing because of the BP meds.

I need some direction here. Do you think it's her lack of taking the medications that has brought us to this?

I love her with all of my heart and can't bear the thought of losing her.

She has all the divorce papers already filled out but says she just wants to live apart for 6 months so she can have her space and see where it leads her feelings. In my experience, these trial seperations never work - you may as well just skip the trial and go right to the divorce.

Any advise is greatly appreciated.

There is one other concern, that I'll need to talk to a lawyer about , but I want to see what everyones thoughts are here.

Child support.... I have a 11 1/2 year old daughter from a previous marriage that I pay $500 a month support on. With me now being on unemployment, having to keep a roof over my head, having other financial obligations, what happens now if I can't afford to pay this $500 a month? I'll be talking to a lawyer about this but this really has me scared. I've lost my job, lost my wife - the last thing left is my daughter and it scares me to death to face losing her.

Thanks so much for reading and any help anyone can provide.

All in all I don't feel like much of a man anymore because of all that's going on.

[china 1]

jwhipple i know how you feel as i am there right now just different issues. the most important think is to remember no one is promised to anyone for ever. it happens some times.

its a chance that we take some times some times we need to find out that the grass is not greener on the other side. who's to say that in six monthes you will want to be with her still.

i dont know how your wife feels but, i think she really needs to decide if she is going to take the meds or not as its not the kind of medication that you want to start and stop often. i dont know if she can deal with the ed or not but, i dont think that is the real issuse. give it some time. let her know that you love her and that you are going to give her some time to work on her and you on you. but, you will always be there for her. does it hurt hell yes. is it hard yes. as we find ourselves just wanting to be some where in there life.

maybe ya can go to counseling but, i would say give it time as it sounds like she changes her mind alot. i have often heard if you love someone let them go an if they come back its meant to be. i have been with my mate for 15yrs and 2 kids later and i feel like i lost my left arm and leg. but, i love me more and deserve to be happy. and i have to stay strong for my kids.

do i love him hell ya, do i want him yes. but, i have to remember what was making me unhappy an what the problems where and know that i we were not happy and that in the end it was only hurting the kids. do i keep a line of communication with im yes. an who knows in time maybe we can work it out but, it takes work on both parts. dint ever feel like like less of a man shit happens as all men will go through it. just as women will go through there change. no one ever said life was gonna be easy.

now as for your daughter no you will not loose her. you first need to go to court or call child support and let them know your income has change and they will adjust it. and i dont know if you and your ex talk but, let her know that you have lost your job and that you have to have the support changed. and that once you are employed you will have it changed again.

i hope things work out for you. it will work it self out in time. and always remember it gets better every day. you just gotta be strong.

im praying for you

china

This probably isn't the right place to look, in fact I have already seen a doctor and plan on seeing a counselor PDQ, but I need to solicit some help and feedback from the many good people I have talked to on this forum.

The situation as of current. Thursday of last week, while at home on vacation, I got "the call" from work informing me that I had been laid off after having been there 9 1/2 years. Sunday after that my wife announced that she was moving out.

Between the two of these incidents, in addition to some deep depression that I had falled into recently because of the issues that my wife and I have been experiencing, I feel like my whole life is in a downward spiral.

Monday I went to the doctor and got prescribed Prozac for the depression - God please let it start working quickly because I can't take how I am feeling much longer!

A little background to the issues with my wife. She and I had our 2nd anniversary on 5/12. We were both banded on 12/8/08. Before that she had some personal issues (out of respect for her I won't give any details publicly) that drove her into a depression and ultimately onto anti-depressant medications. After starting to take them she was the woman that I married again and I couldn't be happier!

She stopped taking them for a while because they were no longer having any effect, which from what I understand is simply NOT a good idea. She got into some hellacious mood swings and we fought a lot. The problem with the fighting was not because of what she was saying, but rather, what she was not saying. She would not open up to me what she was upset about, regardless whether or not it related to me or something that I had done. I eventually would get it out of her that she was mad at me, but, never got any details of what I had done, not done, or otherwise.

Because of the stress of her issue that prompted her to go onto the anti-depressants and a lot of workplace stress, I had to go onto blood pressure medication because I got to the point of having extremely high pulse (160-170 BPM) resting.

As a result of these blood pressure meds, I experienced one of the ugly side effects - erectile disfunction and total lack of desire. "Things" would work, but required some work to get them into "drive".

She took this personally as if I was no longer attracted to her , which could not be ANY further from the truth - she's the most beautiful woman I have ever know, inside and out, and I love her with all of my heart!

This caused some fights as well and got her thinking that I was cheating on her, which could not be further from the truth.

We went through some bad months and good months. She ended up going back to the doctor and got the dosage of the anti-depressant increased, which helped out a bit. About 2 months ago we got into a pretty bad fight and then it came out - she had cold-turkey stopped taking the meds again.

About a week later she told me that she was sorry for everything that she had been putting me through. This honestly lifted a lot of weight from my shoulders.

After a trip up north to see her family, she came back and I felt the weight again. She was upset about something that I did but wouldn't tell me.

I took it upon myself to go see the doctor about the erectile disfunction and he gave me a couple of sample packs of Cialis. (NOTE - This stuff works, and works WELL - but ONLY if you actually have some form of ED!) I told my wife about it and we put them to use. She was very satisfied!

A few good weeks went by again and we hit another brick wall. We had another huge fight, which I didn't find out what we were even fighting about for a few more weeks, but come Sunday, she announced that she was moving out.

Her explanation is she doesn't feel the same way about me that she used to. "It's not you, it's me". "I love you but I am not in love with you."

In my heart I can't help but think these are cop-outs, but, I must say that everything in the past she has told me I took at face value and it ended up being just what she said. I can't help but think though that maybe she's seeing someone else, maybe she feels that she can do better than me now that she's lost over 60 pounds, maybe it's the ED issues I'm seeing because of the BP meds.

I need some direction here. Do you think it's her lack of taking the medications that has brought us to this?

I love her with all of my heart and can't bear the thought of losing her.

She has all the divorce papers already filled out but says she just wants to live apart for 6 months so she can have her space and see where it leads her feelings. In my experience, these trial seperations never work - you may as well just skip the trial and go right to the divorce.

Any advise is greatly appreciated.

There is one other concern, that I'll need to talk to a lawyer about , but I want to see what everyones thoughts are here.

Child support.... I have a 11 1/2 year old daughter from a previous marriage that I pay $500 a month support on. With me now being on unemployment, having to keep a roof over my head, having other financial obligations, what happens now if I can't afford to pay this $500 a month? I'll be talking to a lawyer about this but this really has me scared. I've lost my job, lost my wife - the last thing left is my daughter and it scares me to death to face losing her.

Thanks so much for reading and any help anyone can provide.

All in all I don't feel like much of a man anymore because of all that's going on.

[smsmithart 4]

Sorry for the things you are going through try and be strong seems like a lot of people are having these problems right now.

[JWhipple 0]

Looks like she is definitely moving out... she pulled the , "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore" and "it's not you, it's me" card. It feels like a complete cop-out.

She'll probably be out this coming weekend.

She's been avoiding the house, in fact, I think she's been here a total of 2 nights this past week. The rest of the time she's been spending at a girlfriend's place. She says that she wants to give me my space. Space? I don't want space - I want her!

The Prozac hasn't done much of anything, but my doctor did forewarn me that it will take up to 3 weeks to get into my system. All I do is sleep and cry a lot. I've got an appointment now to see a counselor - I'm hoping they can help me out on all of this, because the statement I made about not feeling much like a man anymore - it's intensified.

[Jaffa 5]

She is making you depressed. How could you not be depressed with all that has happened.

Work with your counselor, and work on making yourself happy.

And NO, don't tell her that you will always be there for her. Saying things like that only encourage people to feel like they can do shitty things to people and get away with it.

It is all fresh and raw right now, but one day, you will be happy to move on with your life, and glad things changed.

[JWhipple 0]

I'm doing anything I can to try and start fresh... Hell I even shaved off all my facial hair - only time I have shaved it in the past 3 years except for on my banding day when they required me to be clean shaven.

Oh no - I will NOT tell her that I will always be there for her. I've been there for her for tough times, even to the point of bailing her out of jail for something she was charged with (which I KNOW she isn't guilty of), but for her to pick of all times NOW to decide to leave, that's a kick in the gut.

Tomorrow is her birthday. Right now every penny is tight because of the job situation, so, I didn't get her a card. I did call her this afternoon and left a voicemail wishing her a happy birthday and told her that I didn't get a card because I didn't know when the next time would be that I would see her, and left it at that.

Sure, if things work out, we'll get back together, but, I can't say that I have high hopes for that happening.

[Lunabeane 2]

I'm sorry that you are going through this...what a terrible feeling of betrayal that you must be feeling. However, while it might seem like an impossible thing to do, it's vitally important that you focus on your own mental health right now. There comes a time when you just have to look out for yourself. I know that right now it feels like a waiting game with your medication but you really need to give it some time to get into your system. Don't hesitate to call your Dr. at the 3-4 week mark and ask him to up your dosage...or to try something else if necessary. There are times when it's a process of trial and error to find the medication that works best for you. I know that this might sound like a cliche, but you need to focus on one day at a time...and focus on yourself for a while. I'm very sorry that you lost your job, but at the same time you could think of this as a way for you to focus on YOU and getting your life back together. You aren't alone in the world and you need to rely on others in your life that care about your wellbeing to help get you through this troubled time. Focus on getting your uemployment benefits and applying for the new cobra benefits that you have available to you. I'm also validating (although I know that's not what you're asking for) your sleeping and crying...what you are going through is traumatic and it's normal to feel those things. You'll come back from this...you might crawl your way out of it but you're strong enough to do it. Just think about what you went through to get to this point with your health and weightloss. Did you ever imagine that you would get to this point?

I'll be thinking of you.

[JWhipple 0]

I actually have an appointment already setup for that 3 week point so we can go over how I am doing and for him to up the dosage.

It's very hard right now for me. I am awake maybe 5 hours of the day, the rest I am sleeping so hard that I have to keep the phone right by my ear otherwise it won't wake me. I have a ton of resumes out there right now, otherwise I would not worry about any calls coming in!

As far as cobra goes - my job did give me 3 months of that on their bill. I hope it doesn't come to me having to use all 3 months though.

[JWhipple 0]

Just a quick update for everyone. She came over yesterday and brought with her divorce papers for me to sign and get notarized, so, i reluctantly went with her to get it over with.

Apparently the ED that I mentioned was big enough of an issue for her to leave me, even though I sought help for it. She said yesterday that I should have sought help sooner, and even though she has said in the past that she felt the cause all along was the blood pressure meds I am on, she rolled her eyes anytime I mentioned those meds being the cause of the issue.

She has also found someone else already and apparently is staying in their spare bedroom - sorry - I have a hard time believing that one. If she's met a guy she wants to be with , I cant see her just staying in the spare bedroom.

So, anyhow, I guess thats the end to this chapter of my life. Time to move on - or become a monk. On the other hand though, the stress from all this really has helped my weight loss! Even though the past month my weight has actually gone up a couple of pounds, my pants keep getting bigger and bigger!

[Vicki J 0]

Some of your sleeping is from the Prozac and some from the depression. Trust me when I say that one day when it kicks in you'll wake up and feel like you can handle life again. Don't look for that drug induced high where life is a ball because that's not how it works. But you'll be able to handle things better and find some peace.

Coming from a woman that is getting close to celebrating her 25th anniversary next week (but went through 2 very bad marriages before that) if they move into the other guy's house, they move in all the way. Your ED is not the problem the problem is she was too much of a coward to admit that she was on the prowl. You're so right in the fact that the ED could have been worked through. That's what strong marriages are made of.

Go to your councelor and also go to some support groups for your band. Preferrably on she won't show up at. Work on your self-esteem and not why she felt this way or that. Trust me when I say that it won't matter how she felt or why she did something. What matters is how you are going to handle your life from now on.

You are obviously a proud person (marine) and so be proud of yourself. I didn't find my DH until I quit looking and decided to live my life for me. It was the greatest decision I've made.

[sue in ne 1]

J Whipple, I am sorry you are going through this. Life happens, whether we like it or not. They say the surgery and weight loss changes everything- including the relationship with your spouse. It is true.

If she isn't taking her meds, and still goes through mood swings, sounds like she has something more than depression. There may be a silver lining to this (but it's hard to see, right now) Yes it hurts, but you need to focus on you.

GET an attorney and change your accounts at the bank. If her name is on an account, she can empty it. YOU need to check with the attorney, child support office with your state Welfare agency or County Attorney. They can make adjustments to Child Support if you qualify. Do it ASAP- it isn't automatic.

DO talk with your daughter- let her know you love her. ( REAL MEN honor their committments) Take to her Mom- let her know the stuation, too. And get moving. You need to do something. Apply for unemployment benefits, do volunteer work until you get a job ( it will help gain some perspective) Ther going is tough , you need to get going.

Prozac can cause weight gain ( been there, done that), ED, and the sleeping. Anyone would be depressed in your situation. IT is short term. You can change.

Good Luck!

Edited June 16, 2009 by sue in ne

[JWhipple 0]

Oh my freaking head - will this NEVER end?

So, she filed the divorce, moved out, divorce is finalized on 6/29 , and now she's begging me to take her back!!!!!

She realizes now that she made a huge mistake, that this never would have happened had she have stayed on her medications the way she was supposed to, and says that the business about the boyfriend was all BS to make me sign off on the divorce without resisting.

Don't get me wrong, I still have feelings for her, but the trust is COMPLETELY gone. There have been too many lies told to me that I found out the truth about.

On a positive note, I have a job lined up now that will start the first week of next month, ironically, with the same company that I worked for before, but with a 40% pay reduction (it's better than unemployment!).

[sue in ne 1]

J Whipple, Sounds like things are looking up, a bit. You need to put you first. Am unclear , did you meant you start the 1st of August, or started the 1st of July? Either way, focus on your commitments. Talk with you daughter. Let your Ex know what is going on.

Your head is aching because your options have increased and the possibilities can be better or worse than what you have been through.

Is the divorce final 6/29/ of 2010?

Only you can decide if you want take your wife back. Even if you are not ready to take her back right away, do set some expectations on her. You don't need to go through this again. You can tell her she lost your trust and you need to know she won't do this again. You can always tell her to wait, too. You have a lot of issues and need time to focus on your priorities.

[JWhipple 0]

The job would start the first week of next month.

The divorce was final as of 6/29 2009, as in last Monday. Since it was uncontested it went through the system very quickly.

[sue in ne 1]

Then, you have a little time to focus on you. take a break!. If the divorce is final, you have to start over- with her, or someone else- it is your choice. You hold the most cards now. You must decide what is best for you. You have been on such a roller coaster, taking a breather for a bit may help. Do things that make you feel good- besides eating.