Dating after the band

[moonbeam 1]

Here's the scoop. I'm a 35 year old single mom. I just got the band about 5 weeks ago. I know I did the right thing for the right reasons, but here is the delima;

We all know most people who have never had weight issues just don't "get it". So I'm wondering what will happen when I feel well enough mentally and physically to enter the dating world. What do I say to a potential new partner when I can't eat a full meal? Or if it gets to that point.. what the scars are from.. and here's the biggie..what the heck is that huge lump under your skin!

I know my health and the happiness/health of my child are my priority, but with my hot new slim body I'm also looking forward to having the confidence to go forth and meet someone who is right for me.

Tips and personal experiences requested!

[MissBS 3]

Hi. I think part of it depends on how comfortable you are with telling people about your band. If it is a first date, it might not be something I would bring up. If I get more comfortable with someone, I think it is something that I would tell them about. I am a very honest person. If it is a person that just doesn't get it, then I would explain it to them. Then you don't need to make up stories about why you are not eating, or why you have those little scars if it comes to that. I don't have a huge lump under my skin, so that is not an issue for me at this time. But if my partner knew about the surgery and happened to feel my port - it would probably not be shocking or gross. If I were dating someone and they couldn't deal with the whole lapband issue, then they wouldn't be the right person for me anyway. We all have issues/pasts/baggage/scars, etc. Hopefully the man/men you date will be kind, understanding, and supportive - they will love you and your band!!! We are much cheaper dates now you know :rolleyes2: The love of my life supports me, and he does love me..... band and all!! Good luck to you. Becky

[ParrotheadCathy 0]

Well, you could always do a first date thing that isn't at a dinner table .... a hot movie that just came out (buy your tickets in advance at Fandango or similar website to guarantee the seats), a sporting event (take me to a Braves game ANY DAY), a Saturday visit to the mountains for hiking or something along these lines. Second date, yeah, go to dinner. Frankly, if a date questions me about how much food I eat or don't eat, I'm going to think that's pretty darned rude! BUT if the question does come out, the answer should be something along the lines of "well, it's no big deal, I'm just trying to keep my boyish figure...and it's getting harder as I get a little older". Explanations will come out if the relationship progresses but I really don't think a woman worth anything would be put off by it when the time comes. I think it's very easy to make more of something than is necessary. Just relax and be you ... and let your personality carry the day. I've been in long-term relationships with a few men in my life....and I can honestly say that I never asked "why do you have this scar" or "this bruise" or whatever. It never mattered to me.

The first year is the time when you can "model" a scar. there are multiple products that do this. Mederma is probably the most commonly known and readily available but there are others. You can minimize the scars this way. Frankly I'm 3 months out and with the exception of the port scar, the others are fading nicely and I can see where a little mederma would make a big difference.

[pennreporter 12]

I'm not banded yet. My daughter is 38 and banded last year. Trust me, how much she eats has never been an issue with any dates. She has a new "boy-toy" friend but he knew her before surgery. But the difference in her social life before and after is monumental. When you're 5-9, size 8, long blond hair, the dates/men she meets, food is not an issue...lol. Plus she also does the first date where it's just meeting for a drink/coffee with just an appetizer. She never does dinner on first few dates because she still has "issues" with some foods.

And I agree with other poster, if once you tell someone and they have issues with it, then maybe they're not the right person for you.

She is going for plastic surgery next month and her scars will be substantial at first (lower body lift). So she has some concern over that but it's not an option. Has to be done. Boy-toy doesn't seem to mind.

So good luck

Trisha

[LuvMySteelers 0]

Hey all - thanks for posting this thread and all of your replies. I'm 27 and currently struggling with this exact issue!! Except I've been dating the guy for about 3 weeks now, and I almost feel like he may be upset that I've waited this long to tell him anything! We've been out to eat a few times, but I give the typical excuses...big lunch, tummy ache, doesn't taste good. Anyhow, feels good to know I'm not the only one struggling with this!

[RestlessMonkey 7]

Lots of thin people don't eat a lot! My BFF weighs what she did in high school (120 at 5'5") and always eats just "part" of her food. So not eating everything won't seem odd, I don't think.

As to the other...that will depend on you. In my experience things have to progress a good bit along the intimacy road before you start explaining each and every scar and by then, it shouldn't matter that you had surgery. If you feel comfy enought with a person to get naked and do the deed, you'll probably feel comfy enough to talk about the band.

[moonbeam 1]

It's not so much the scars as it is the port lump. Mine is very noticable and it's definitly easy to feel if your hand is even placed on my stomach, you don't even have to press hard to feel it. I suppose that more than anything has me concerned.

[BellaPerdente 0]

I have been ready to start dating again. I have been widowed for 4 years. I thought that once I had lost weight, I would get some attention, but nothing. I have always been overweight and never got much attention from men and I always blamed it on my weight. Now what???? I know that I am shy but I am starting to get discouraged. I joined match.com and I hardly ever get a wink. Was my late husband the only one for me? Guys are looking for women that look like models I guess. I am a little old-fashioned and expect the man to make the first move....maybe it's also because I have low self-esteem and don't want to get rejected. Do I have to ask someone out???

[moonbeam 1]

I have been ready to start dating again. I have been widowed for 4 years. I thought that once I had lost weight, I would get some attention, but nothing. I have always been overweight and never got much attention from men and I always blamed it on my weight. Now what???? I know that I am shy but I am starting to get discouraged. I joined match.com and I hardly ever get a wink. Was my late husband the only one for me? Guys are looking for women that look like models I guess. I am a little old-fashioned and expect the man to make the first move....maybe it's also because I have low self-esteem and don't want to get rejected. Do I have to ask someone out???

Hey, congrats on your weight loss!

I've dabbled in the on line dating thing and it can be very frusterating. I have found that some of the guys on those sites are just as shy as we are. I don't think it would hurt to express interest in those that you find interesting. I've never tried match.com but is there a way to you wink or smile or something to show interest?

[BellaPerdente 0]

Hey, congrats on your weight loss!

I've dabbled in the on line dating thing and it can be very frusterating. I have found that some of the guys on those sites are just as shy as we are. I don't think it would hurt to express interest in those that you find interesting. I've never tried match.com but is there a way to you wink or smile or something to show interest?

I have winked at over 50 men and emailed at least 10. Most don't even respond and the ones who do are a little shady. They want to start emailing on their personal email addresses and that is a big flag. When I say that I want to "talk" via Match.com, I never hear from them again.

[JASON R 0]

well i trie dating after getting the band but my wife put a stop to it for some reason....j/k!

i will tell you like i do everyone that ask that question at the support group meetings. if want to tell them do so. and if they have a problem with it then there not right for you. im a straight forward guy and i dont believe in messing around with people. they like me for who i am or theres someone out there that will.

and good luck with your weight loss and the new life you are about to have.

[moonbeam 1]

well i trie dating after getting the band but my wife put a stop to it for some reason....j/k!

i will tell you like i do everyone that ask that question at the support group meetings. if want to tell them do so. and if they have a problem with it then there not right for you. im a straight forward guy and i dont believe in messing around with people. they like me for who i am or theres someone out there that will.

and good luck with your weight loss and the new life you are about to have.

Thanks for the encouraging words.

Were you married before you got the band? If so I'm happy for you that you do not have to experience the anxiety of dating when you are newly banded like some of us are/will.

[JASON R 0]

Thanks for the encouraging words.

Were you married before you got the band? If so I'm happy for you that you do not have to experience the anxiety of dating when you are newly banded like some of us are/will.

yes i was married for 7 years before i was banded. and it has done nothing but made my marriage better since lossing this weight.:purplebananna:

and trust me you will be fine. and like i said, if the guys you date dont understand why you did it then you dont need them and theres one after that one. so keep your head up adn have fun in your new live.

and anytime you need someone to talk to feel free to pm me.

[Cloteal 0]

Wow, this question was an eye opener. I haven't been banded yet, in the process of being banded but never did I think about the scars and that there's going to be an object inside of me that you can actually feel just by rubbing the outside. I to am married and I don't believe any of this will be an issue for my husband, but for me it was kind of a scary thought that the scars could be that huge and noticeable. How big will the scar be?

[JASON R 0]

Wow, this question was an eye opener. I haven't been banded yet, in the process of being banded but never did I think about the scars and that there's going to be an object inside of me that you can actually feel just by rubbing the outside. I to am married and I don't believe any of this will be an issue for my husband, but for me it was kind of a scary thought that the scars could be that huge and noticeable. How big will the scar be?

there not hat big. and unless you get super small you want never have anything show (port).