Emotions about surgery

[CyndiMomto3 0]

As most of you know, I was banded 5/12. Yippee! A few days before the surgery, I felt myself wrestling with a lot of emotions. I kept wondering if I was doing the right thing or if I was taking a way drastic step. I felt like I had never really given dieting a shot and should have tried a liquid diet (or something like it) before considering surgery. Of course, in reality, I have tried dieting here and there-low carb/Atkins, low calorie/low fat, phentermine...I always lost a little weight and gained much more back.

So, I think it was nerves trying to talk me out of the surgery last minute. I told myself that my insurance would never have approved the surgery if I didn't need it.

Post op, I honestly felt ashamed to be walking around the hospital recovering from a surgery that I needed because of my weight. (It didn't help that the care I received was less than superior.) The only other time I've been in the hospital before was to give birth to my two beautiful babies, so I guess it just felt wierd to be there and not have a tiny baby to show off. After you have a baby, people smile at you knowingly and say congrats, what are they suppsed to say to you after you have bariatric surgery?? Hope you lose weight?? lol

I guess it was at this time that I admitted to myself that I am obese. I always knew I was overweight and got bigger as the years went on, but I don't think I ever really let myself see just how big I let myself get. I guess that sums it up right there, I am embarrassed that I let myself get this heavy. I remember telling myself in high school that I wanted someone to shoot me if I ever got to 200lbs!

I've made this surgery such a secret too, only telling a limited number of friends and family, because I am too embarrassed. I just want them to see me after I lose weight and be surprised But keeping it secret has just added to the emotions I'm feeling right now I think. I feel like I can't let people know that I'm recovering from a surgery and may have a little pain here and there.

Anyway, I'm just venting but wondering if anyone else has experienced any of these emotions. Thanks :thumbup:

[silvers320 12]

I think what your feeling is pretty common. I know I went thru the whole "What kind of person I am, that I need this?" "Maybe I could diet one more time" mind -games. It seems the only thing worst then Fat Shame is getting medical help to not be fat shame.

To make matters worse, I had to go back about 4 months after my first surgery for a port replacement- when the nurse asked what I was having done, she replied "you dont need that" - Don't tell me what I need! Some professional.

Anyway ask yourself this- if you had high blood pressure or some other medically treatable condition - isn't medical help thought to be the smart choice??? This is no different.

[TXAmy07 0]

I have felt everything you said, and I especially felt it the day of, the day after, and maybe even a little the 3rd day after surgery! I know the anesthesia makes you feel a bit of depression, but like I mentioned in another post I think that we are in a way mourning the death of our old lives and our old eating habits.

It is kind of scary to let go of everything and start a whole new life, but you have made that step! The hard part is over, and now this is the fun part where we all get to share the experience of learning our "new bodies", and sharing our successes - on the scale AND off.

One year from now you will look back and not remember why you felt the insecurities and it will make you hug those two babies of yours even tighter.

I have kept mine a secret too, and while I haven't had to deal with anyone asking me what's wrong, I think that if they asked I'd just say "Oh I joined a new gym and overworked myself". Then you are not only getting your brain used to the idea that if you don't already work out you will need to be in the future, AND you give that person a reason to know why you're losing weight!

My only weird thing happened the other day at work - I went to lunch with 2 people, 1 of whom knows I had the surgery. I ordered Soup and sat there eating JUST the broth out of it and I know the 1 guy that didn't know was thinking, "ok HOW is that girl as big as she is if she just picks at the broth from Soup for the whole time?". He even asked me at one point, "is that all you ordered?". The other guy that does know just started helping himself to my soup. HAHAHA.

Chin up, you'll do great! This is the first week of the rest of your life!

[CyndiMomto3 0]

I think what your feeling is pretty common. I know I went thru the whole "What kind of person I am, that I need this?" "Maybe I could diet one more time" mind -games. It seems the only thing worst then Fat Shame is getting medical help to not be fat shame.

To make matters worse, I had to go back about 4 months after my first surgery for a port replacement- when the nurse asked what I was having done, she replied "you dont need that" - Don't tell me what I need! Some professional.

Anyway ask yourself this- if you had high blood pressure or some other medically treatable condition - isn't medical help thought to be the smart choice??? This is no different.

Thank you for your kind words. I know it will get better over time. I can't believe that nurse gave you her opinion about what she thought you needed or didn't need. Very unprofessional!

[CyndiMomto3 0]

I have felt everything you said, and I especially felt it the day of, the day after, and maybe even a little the 3rd day after surgery! I know the anesthesia makes you feel a bit of depression, but like I mentioned in another post I think that we are in a way mourning the death of our old lives and our old eating habits.

It is kind of scary to let go of everything and start a whole new life, but you have made that step! The hard part is over, and now this is the fun part where we all get to share the experience of learning our "new bodies", and sharing our successes - on the scale AND off.

One year from now you will look back and not remember why you felt the insecurities and it will make you hug those two babies of yours even tighter.

I have kept mine a secret too, and while I haven't had to deal with anyone asking me what's wrong, I think that if they asked I'd just say "Oh I joined a new gym and overworked myself". Then you are not only getting your brain used to the idea that if you don't already work out you will need to be in the future, AND you give that person a reason to know why you're losing weight!

My only weird thing happened the other day at work - I went to lunch with 2 people, 1 of whom knows I had the surgery. I ordered Soup and sat there eating JUST the broth out of it and I know the 1 guy that didn't know was thinking, "ok HOW is that girl as big as she is if she just picks at the broth from soup for the whole time?". He even asked me at one point, "is that all you ordered?". The other guy that does know just started helping himself to my soup. HAHAHA.

Chin up, you'll do great! This is the first week of the rest of your life!

Thank you. It's really nice to know that I am not the only one feeling this way. Good for you for being strong when going out to eat and not ordering what you really wanted! :thumbup:

[meem 0]

HHCyndi, I ditto everything you have said, to the letter. But I know that the band is JUST a tool and not the whole thing. It is still up to me to make sure I lose the weight. I have to make the right decisions and make time to exercise. So really in the end its us who are doing the work the band is back up. You will succeed, we all will and probably will tell everyone, in years to come, that me and my band helped us get healthy. I struggle a long time about my decision because I never thought I gave it my whole heart. Now I have realized that I can't do it on my own and this band and these wonderful mayo banditos will help me get to where I need to be. boy what an emotional roller coaster for me.

[hallelujah.girl 1]

Hey It is amazing who so many of us feel this way. I could have wrote this myself. Back in 2005 I went through the whole process of getting the band only to be turned down 3 months into it. I was having those exact feeling then but I still wanted it so badly. Well since I had those feeling about maybe I should have tried to lose weight before I try surgery I decided that I would do it on my own. I lost 40 lbs yeah me!!!! I went from 236 to 195 and was feeling awesome. I was 38 and 1/2 and it took me about 8 months to loose that. By that time I got to that weight I was approaching 40. Well when that hit me I decided I wanted to lose another 20 lbs before I hit the big 40! The only problem was that the scale started going the other way. I was beside my self. I didn't want to , couldn't gain weight back. I was feeling great and didn't want to go back to where I had just came from. Well despite my attempts to continue to lose I ended up gaining 30 back. I had a thought maybe my insurance was now covering the lap band. Well yeah they where.

After saying all that...Even this time I was saying to myself do I really need surgery to do this? I still went through all the emotions you mentioned above. Even after surgery I was questioning why did I do this. Even when I just had the answer.

It is just a tool. It is still up to us to make it work, and I have to keep telling myself that. If I think the band will do all the work, I will fail.

I was talking to my sister who is very over weight and she like to garden so I used this analogy.

I asked her if she would rather garden with her bare hands or have a small spade to help her do he work. She preferred using the tool to help her get the job done. Yeah she could do it with just her bare hands, it would take her a lot longer, and she may give up along the way because it's just to much work. Using the spade will still take work but it will be much easier.

[Juniper 0]

Cyndi,

I know exactly how you feel. I've been a former band-basher myself, and I was very successful about a year and a half ago at losing weight with Medi-Fast and working out. But you can't eat Medi-Fast forever, and when I went back to eating "normal" food, I gained all 60 lbs back, plus another 20. This time, the extra weight really had an effect on me physically. My back hurt after walking only 20 steps. My feet hurt every day when I got home, and I have an office job! I finally had to admit that I COULDN'T do it with diet and exercise alone. It was very sobering having to accept that about myself. :tt1:

I really didn't tell too many people, and in fact, have only told my kids, my fiance, and my mom (besides my doctors, and you guys of course!). It's not that I'm embarrassed of having the surgery. It's that I'm embarrassed to admit that I Failed.

But then one day I was telling my son about how I was thinking about having the surgery, and asked him what he thought about it, and he said the thing that finally convinced me it was OKAY to do this. He said that it was just like having that mental reminder that I should stop eating before I eat too much, but this would be a physical reminder. And that's when I realized that the surgery wasn't a cure-all, and it wasn't that I was looking for an easy way out - it's that I needed a physical reminder to stop eating because my mental reminders weren't enough. And then when I met with the psychiatrist for my psych eval, she said something similar. She told me that her "band" was in her head, and that not everyone had that "band" in their head, so they needed the band on their stomach instead. We joked about how if she could figure out why some people didn't have that mental band, she'd be rich!

Okay, so I started rambling a little...

I just want to say that it takes strength to do what we're doing, and I realize that now. We're committing to a LIFELONG change that will help us become healthier. It's not about an easy way out, and it's not even about being a failure. To give up and stay overweight would be our failure, but we're not doing that!

And while I'm still not going to tell people about my band, it's no longer because I'm embarrassed, but just because I want to be successful on my own terms, and not have people looking at me expecting results.

This will be our LAST attempt to lose weight, because we WILL be successful.

[CyndiMomto3 0]

Thank you thank you SO much to everyone for your wise words. So much of what you are saying makes TOTAL sense. There are definitely things that naturally thin people, or people who have never had to worry about their weight, just can't relate to.

I actually had a dream last night about eating a subway sandwich! I felt SO guilty and then was relieved when I woke up and realized I hadn't actually eaten it! lol I told my husband about it and he kind of looked at me like I was crazy! ha

By the way, if anyone wants to find me on Facebook, my name is Cyndi Hevi-just don't post any public messages about the surgery please, as not everyone knows. Thanks!

[Kellster 1]

I too have had all these feelings, but for me they were spread out among the 9 months it took from my first thought about Lap-Band to surgery day. I've always been a confident, happy person, and didn't really let my weight hold me back no matter what (or so I thought). I pretty much considered myself a skinny girl in a fat suit. :puke: People would comment on how confident I was and wondered where I got that inner peace from. I know now it's called survival, without it I probably would have been in a constant state of depression.

The 9 month timeline was super hard for me, I am very driven and usually get what I want when I want it, so having to wait for something is not my usual M.O. But this was really meant to be. I needed this time to learn how to think differently about food and eating and even my emotions. I had to keep reminding myself what I was waiting for, how I was going to change, etc.

The morning after I heard about the surgery in August 08 (and for the first time thought surgery MIGHT be a good option for me), I sat down with my Mom and discussed it with her. For the first time ever I was really honest with myself and with my Mom, my biggest cheerleader and one of my critics too. I told her how I felt that I had tried everything possible to lose weight, and how I kind of stopped trying because to me it was now an immovable mountain that I had no hope of climbing. I had no light at the end of the tunnel anymore, and had pretty much accepted that I would be obese for the rest of my life. But hearing about Lap-Band gave me hope, just a glimmer. There's addiction in my blood, I know that, and thinking of my obesity and problems with food as a disease really helped me make the decision. We talked about how my weight held me back from doing the things I love, being active, playing sports, riding rollercoasters, the list goes on and on. A long, LONG conversation later, I was determined to get the band.

But through the 9 months of waiting, including the 6 month supervised diet, I had a rollercoaster of emotions. My self-esteem took a huge beating, because I had to keep reminding myself of everything I was missing out on because of my weight. I had the same doubts, why am I choosing to be cut open and have something foreign put in my body? What kind of person am I that I can't successfully lose weight on my own by eating right and exercising? Am I a lazy loser? Am I a failure in treating my body right? How much of a jerk am I that I have to have SURGERY to correct a "simple" weight problem?

But then I look back, and I know that the time I spent waiting and preparing for this event was well worth it. I know now that for me, this really was a disease that needed surgical help. If I had some other disease that required surgery, would I question that? Probably not. But obesity is a disease that is so physically apparent, and so socially spurned and accepted at the same time, yet we are just starting to really think of it as a disease, one that is reaching epidemic proportions. I needed to do this, for my physical self, and my mental/emotional self as well.

Post-surgery, I have noticed that I am pretty emotional, and have teared up numerous times during this post. I'm grateful for that, because I'm shedding tears and the defense mechanisms I had for years that allowed me to survive as a fat woman with some sort of confidence intact. I'm sure this rollercoaster will continue as my body and psyche change. In fact, my doctors have warned me that my hormones and emotions will be crazy, as fat cells melt away and the hormones that are stored in the fat are released into my bloodstream (oh yay!). :hurray: By the way, they said I'd be more fertile too, and to double-up on protection if I didn't want a baby (what? I just hold hands...).

For me, my emotions are partly the mourning of my old self, my old way of life and indulgence, excitement for my new self and returning to things I love, gratefulness that I had the ability to have this done, amazement at the change already happening, and anticipation of everything that will be available to me as I create a new healthy lifestyle and move towards a healthy body.

I am SO glad that I have this forum to spew my thoughts to people who understand what I'm going through, because you all are right there with me. I'd apologize for the long post, but hey - I needed to get this out. :grouphug:

[lotsabirds 0]

yes, I understand what you're saying very well. I get my band on the 21st. I too am so embarrassed. I have lost the weight more times than I care to count and always gain it back. I am either losing weight or gaining. Never maintaining. I have only told the people that MUST know. I don't know when or if I'll tell or not. They are doing a hiatel hernia repair at the same time so that's what I'm going in for. (yeah)

[Juniper 0]

kellster,

so much of what you said rang true in my mind, as well!

and rollercoasters... yeah, i can't wait to fit in those seats again, and not cringe when the bar comes down!

and cyndi,

my dream involved fried chicken, which i don't even like!!

how weird is that?! :grouphug:

[CyndiMomto3 0]

I too have had all these feelings, but for me they were spread out among the 9 months it took from my first thought about Lap-Band to surgery day. I've always been a confident, happy person, and didn't really let my weight hold me back no matter what (or so I thought). I pretty much considered myself a skinny girl in a fat suit. :puke: People would comment on how confident I was and wondered where I got that inner peace from. I know now it's called survival, without it I probably would have been in a constant state of depression.

The 9 month timeline was super hard for me, I am very driven and usually get what I want when I want it, so having to wait for something is not my usual M.O. But this was really meant to be. I needed this time to learn how to think differently about food and eating and even my emotions. I had to keep reminding myself what I was waiting for, how I was going to change, etc.

The morning after I heard about the surgery in August 08 (and for the first time thought surgery MIGHT be a good option for me), I sat down with my Mom and discussed it with her. For the first time ever I was really honest with myself and with my Mom, my biggest cheerleader and one of my critics too. I told her how I felt that I had tried everything possible to lose weight, and how I kind of stopped trying because to me it was now an immovable mountain that I had no hope of climbing. I had no light at the end of the tunnel anymore, and had pretty much accepted that I would be obese for the rest of my life. But hearing about Lap-Band gave me hope, just a glimmer. There's addiction in my blood, I know that, and thinking of my obesity and problems with food as a disease really helped me make the decision. We talked about how my weight held me back from doing the things I love, being active, playing sports, riding rollercoasters, the list goes on and on. A long, LONG conversation later, I was determined to get the band.

But through the 9 months of waiting, including the 6 month supervised diet, I had a rollercoaster of emotions. My self-esteem took a huge beating, because I had to keep reminding myself of everything I was missing out on because of my weight. I had the same doubts, why am I choosing to be cut open and have something foreign put in my body? What kind of person am I that I can't successfully lose weight on my own by eating right and exercising? Am I a lazy loser? Am I a failure in treating my body right? How much of a jerk am I that I have to have SURGERY to correct a "simple" weight problem?

But then I look back, and I know that the time I spent waiting and preparing for this event was well worth it. I know now that for me, this really was a disease that needed surgical help. If I had some other disease that required surgery, would I question that? Probably not. But obesity is a disease that is so physically apparent, and so socially spurned and accepted at the same time, yet we are just starting to really think of it as a disease, one that is reaching epidemic proportions. I needed to do this, for my physical self, and my mental/emotional self as well.

Post-surgery, I have noticed that I am pretty emotional, and have teared up numerous times during this post. I'm grateful for that, because I'm shedding tears and the defense mechanisms I had for years that allowed me to survive as a fat woman with some sort of confidence intact. I'm sure this rollercoaster will continue as my body and psyche change. In fact, my doctors have warned me that my hormones and emotions will be crazy, as fat cells melt away and the hormones that are stored in the fat are released into my bloodstream (oh yay!). :hurray: By the way, they said I'd be more fertile too, and to double-up on protection if I didn't want a baby (what? I just hold hands...).

For me, my emotions are partly the mourning of my old self, my old way of life and indulgence, excitement for my new self and returning to things I love, gratefulness that I had the ability to have this done, amazement at the change already happening, and anticipation of everything that will be available to me as I create a new healthy lifestyle and move towards a healthy body.

I am SO glad that I have this forum to spew my thoughts to people who understand what I'm going through, because you all are right there with me. I'd apologize for the long post, but hey - I needed to get this out. :grouphug:

Kel,

Thank you so much for sharing all of these thoughts and emotions going on in your head right now. Reading about how other people are feeling is very helpful. I know just what you mean about that heart to heart you had with your mom. It was something that I had never wanted to talk about with my parents before, or even my husband really. A very taboo and sensistive subject with me. Hopefully now I can open up to people a little more and actually let them help me. :smile:

Most people I know do know that I am on a diet, but they don't know about the surgery. I may choose to tell people down the line, but we'll see.

[CyndiMomto3 0]

kellster,

so much of what you said rang true in my mind, as well!

and rollercoasters... yeah, i can't wait to fit in those seats again, and not cringe when the bar comes down!

and cyndi,

my dream involved fried chicken, which i don't even like!!

how weird is that?! :grouphug:

Do you think our dr's will tell us not to ride rollercoasters anymore because of the band? I wonder if the pressure and drops would have any affect on the band at all...

Fried chicken...mmmm....sounds good! :hurray:

[Juniper 0]

Do you think our dr's will tell us not to ride rollercoasters anymore because of the band? I wonder if the pressure and drops would have any affect on the band at all...

Fried chicken...mmmm....sounds good! :puke:

i was thinking about that as i was typing... i was wondering if the port would be in the way of the bar!

but maybe if i stick with good old fashioned wooden roller coasters!! (being optimistic here!)

if not, i'll just have to take up paragliding. :hurray: :grouphug: