Not sure spouse is on board....

[tgrar 0]

I have been considering this for the last 3 years and my wife and family were against it saying the same things that your husband has said. I recently went and talked to the Doctor for me and no one else. I decided that this is best for me and even though I was given stiff opposition at first, I am getting the surgery for me if I pass the stress test next week. My wife and family i.e. children, siblings and parent are not giving me anymore crap about it. There just comes a time when you and only you must make the decision. Good luck

Edited May 16, 2009 by tgrar
misspelled words

[amar63 0]

RE: My husband made me cry the other day he told me "so your just giving up on our marriage"? He went over the whole statistics how relationships change after WLS.

A while back (couple of years ago) my husband jokingly made a similar comment about me losing weight and then I'd be shopping around for some kind of studly do-right guy. Which is ridiculous as he knows my "type". But his insecurity was coming out.

I just assured him that I had gone that route once (I was married before) and he was horrible and expected me to be a barbie doll trophy and became very cruel if I gained any weight.

Whereas my husband now loves me whether I am thick or thin. And not only do I love him but I am loyal to that.

I am not interested in a man (or anyone else) who only values me when I am thin! We are more than our weight or lack of.

Soooo, to address your hurt and concern, even though what he said merely reflected his concern for himself, it does need to be addressed or I fear he will undermine your efforts (even if it's unconsciencly). Assure him that you love him, your goals in losing weight are not merely vainty reasons but for HEALTH and that if he truly wants you healthly and around to BE his wife, he needs to consider this and get on board.

My husband and I have been talking more about this too and his fears now are more about the surgery and after effects and the "banded for life" time frame. So he is opening up more and more on the subject. He also agreed to go to the seminar with me on the 28th!!! So that is a victory.

I'll be praying for you and for him. Hang in there.

[BethFromVA 5]

The insecurity thing certainly explains some spouses not giving their full support.

[RestlessMonkey 7]

I have to say that if I thought for one small instant my husband was trying to hold me back because he wanted me FAT so no one else would love me...I'd leave him.

I don't understand the mind set of forgiving someone who wants to keep you down.

I do understand we're all different and try not to be judgmental! But really ladies think this through. That's not love. That's posession. If the other team member in your marriage wants to hold you back how will you ever ever grow/change/achieve? Different strokes for different folks and I don't pretend to understand anyone's dynamic but my own....but to me, love means a lot of things but it doesn't mean "keep you in the dark so no one but me can have you"

[Melody2006 1]

I don't understand the mind set of forgiving someone who wants to keep you down.

It's called low self esteem. And you know a dominant spouse knows how to manipulate their partner if they know they have low self esteem. I've recently learned the hard way with weight loss you don't just gain love for yourself and self esteem. Many (not all) that loose the weight just stay with mentally abusive spouses. Guess someone that was really overweight and took a blow to their self esteem will easily let themselves and their needs take a back seat to do whats easy and what others think is "right" despite how they feel inside. It took them this long to loose the weight, how long is it gonna take them to stand up for themselves and stick to it? :scared2: Just one more blow to the healthy lifestyle for the low self esteem spouse.

Edited May 16, 2009 by Melody2006

[ladyflutterbug 0]

I am so glad it is not only me. I have been through this before and it just not easy when you can't get the support you need at home.:scared2:

[soocalchic 1,087]

Wow guys thanks for all the insight. I dont want you to think that my husband was just being some mind controling a hole or anything. I certanly don't suffer from low selfesteem. I have always been chubby and have dealt with it my whole life. I have had some cosmetic procedures to deal with that lolz!! Despite me being overweight I am still quite shapely which he really enjoys. What he said to me was maybe him being a little insecure. I have assured him that we are in for the long haul and that has appeased him for now. I guess we will see how it turns out.

[TSB 1]

My husband made me cry the other day he told me "so your just giving up on our marriage"? He went over the whole statistics how relationships change after WLS. That seriously upset me. It so hurt my feelings that he would be selfish and not think about me or my health. Now we have been married for 10 years so not sure if maybe he's just being a little dramatic or sadistic anywho thats my story thought I would share.

I'm sorry your husband said this to you. It sounds like an insecurity issue on his part. The topic of the impact WLS has on marriage/relationships was covered in my seminar too. I wish I could remember exactly how it was put, but in essence they told us if the marriage was already a healthy marriage, that WLS in and of itself would not have the power to change that. But that in marriages where there are already issues, sometimes the weight loss gives a person the confidence to get out of a bad marriage.

I am also fortunate that my husband is supportive of my decision to pursue WLS. The only trouble I have run into with him is that he pulls the "should you be eating that" crap. I have to lose 10 % of my starting weight as one of my pre-op requirements. He has only said that twice.

The last time I told him that he needs to worry about what he puts in his mouth and I will worry about what I put in my mouth :thumbup: He hasn't gone there again.

Since I am the one that does the grocery shopping and cooking, my journey has even gotten him to make some healthier choices. He has even mentioned in passing that maybe he should consider WLS, he is 5'10" and weighs about 280.

Sorry, didn't mean to ramble :rolleyes2:

[soocalchic 1,087]

I'm sorry your husband said this to you. It sounds like an insecurity issue on his part. The topic of the impact WLS has on marriage/relationships was covered in my seminar too. I wish I could remember exactly how it was put, but in essence they told us if the marriage was already a healthy marriage, that WLS in and of itself would not have the power to change that. But that in marriages where there are already issues, sometimes the weight loss gives a person the confidence to get out of a bad marriage.

I am also fortunate that my husband is supportive of my decision to pursue WLS. The only trouble I have run into with him is that he pulls the "should you be eating that" crap. I have to lose 10 % of my starting weight as one of my pre-op requirements. He has only said that twice.

The last time I told him that he needs to worry about what he puts in his mouth and I will worry about what I put in my mouth :thumbup: He hasn't gone there again.

Since I am the one that does the grocery shopping and cooking, my journey has even gotten him to make some healthier choices. He has even mentioned in passing that maybe he should consider WLS, he is 5'10" and weighs about 280.

Sorry, didn't mean to ramble :rolleyes2:

Wow I fell like a total thread jacker!!

My hubby thought he was being funny when he told me what he said. I thought It was rather cruel. We have a steady relationship and 3 beautiful children. I certainly hope that me loosing weight won't change anything.

He is also a big guy 6'0 265. Men carry weight a whole lot better than we do. Or is it perhaps more acceptable for a guy to be heavy? IDK.. It is funny that you mention your hubby having WLS. My husband was joking while we were at the seminar he looked at the BMI chart and candidly said "hey I would have to gain weight in order to be a good candidate". I just laughed it off. But it angered me just a tad. I still dont think he thinks I'm serious about doing this.

[Dana36 0]

My husband was 100% supportive AFTER going to an information seminar with me. That really helped him see where I was coming from and what brought me to this decision.

My brother, on the other hand, has struggled with my decision. He is really worried about me having any surgical procedure and was telling me to just use will power and Portion Control. I went to see him the other day and he and I were talking about it, and I asked him, "If I were a drug addict, and the drug was killing me, would you support a surgery that could help me gain control of the drug?" He said yes, I then explained that food was like a drug to me and it was killing me. He then mentioned that he and I both had quit smoking several years ago, and had enough willpower to kick our habit.. I then said to him, yes, but what if you still have to smoke 3 cigarettes a day to survive? I have to eat 3 meals a day... that, as silly as it sounds, was his moment of clarity. I had to equate this surgery with an addiction that he had felt and knew that difficulty of dealing with.

[musicalmomma 1]

I know I'm chiming in a little late here...but just want to add a little different perspective...

My husband and I were both banded Summer 2006...

I know for me...I plateaued and then weight started to creep back up as my husband sailed through his weighloss. (He did hit a plateau after losing 180 pounds) Of course he worked A LOT harder at it that I was willing to work.

However, my lack of self asteem caused me to sink deeper into a depression. I felt like a complete failure and it was hard to show happiness for him as he dropped weight and soared in athletics. As a result, our marriage took a big hit and we almost lost each other.

My biggest failure was to let him know I was so proud of his accomplishments, even though I was ashamed of my weight loss failure. His biggest failure was to communicate how important my support was to him and how he felt let down by my lack of enthusiasm for his new found fitness.

We've had an amazing marriage up until we were banded two years ago (been married since 2/14/98). Losing so much weight is a HUGE adjustment for both spouses. It almost cost us our marriage. But thankfully, with open, loving, supportive communication, I am now his biggest cheer leader and HE is my champion! He's my "bob" (biggest loser). I have my own personal trainer...and he's my lover too! Best of both worlds. He motivates me doesn't let me give up.

It's a shame it took all this time and pain to realize what we needed from each other and to give it to each other, but I am so thankful that we did arrive here :purplebananna:

I guess I'm telling this side of the story to say...it's not always an abusive or nasty spouse trying to keep you down...it could be a fearful spouse...fearful of losing you...or a spouse that feels like a failure and your success magnifies that feeling of failure in him/her. My hope in sharing this is that maybe some open honest communication, in love, would save others the heartache my marriage suffered this past year.

Best wishes to all on your journey! :Banane01:

[amar63 0]

Thank you for sharing....

Blessings,

Misty