Telling the kids

[spongealan 0]

I am being banded on 6/2/09 and I have not yet discussed the surgery with my daughters (12 & 10). I always preach honesty with my girls and I want to let them know as much as I can about what is about to happen to Daddy.

My wife and I want to know the best way of telling them about the surgery, why I need the surgery and any other important issues surrounding it.

As I am new here, I had no luck with the search function. If anyone has a link to any prior threads that I can look at, or any advice, I would so appreciate it.

Alan

[bearbandit 0]

I sat down with my nine year old daughter and showed her pictures and diagrams of what a lapband was. As for the reasons I simply told her it was because I was very unhealthy and I wanted to make sure I was around to watch you grow up. She understood it.

[RestlessMonkey 7]

You and your wife know your daughters best. At 10 I'd have been horrified to see pictures (LOL) but not all kids are that squeamish (I'm an RN and I STILL don't like looking at the pictures!)

Most kids are happy when they can understand a parent is doing something to improve his/her health and therefore be around longer!

I'd emphasize that you want it, that recovery will be pretty quick (it is) and that you'll just eat less and be healthy. Pad that as you see fit; but important to them will be the impact on their lives, don't you think? And it will be positive. You may not even be in the hospital overnight (I wasn't!)

Good for you, and good for them!

[spongealan 0]

What do I say if they ask why did I let myself get so unhealthy?

What do I say if they ask why I can't just go on a diet and lose weight?

These are questions that I don't even know the answers to.

Thanks for the help!

Alan

[RestlessMonkey 7]

I know MY answers to those questions; I'll share with you and maybe that will help you find yours.

Obesity is a disease. There are many things that contribute to it. It's hard to lose weight and keep it off (that's why so many people, especially here in the USA, are overweight). Some just gain a little, some a lot, but it's hard. You can't just "not eat" and there are many foods that are hard on some of us.

It's not a character flaw, any more than allergies or getting a cold.

But since I have this problem I need to deal with it. Some people do just diet, lose weight, AND KEEP IT OFF but it's statistically VERY rare. Odds are you would diet, lose, and regain (plus some) because are bodies are made to keep weight, not lose it. I in fact HAVE successfully dieted over and over, but regained plus some. Our bodies HATE to give up that fat because it's our body's way of storing food for lean times (like a savings) Bodies don't part with it easily; and once the savings are spent (weight is lost) once the food comes back bodies are even MORE prone to store it. Less than 5% of people who lose weight keep it off long term. However, with the band, those odds increase. You want to make the smartest choice for you and the family and getting something like a "pacemaker" for your appetite seems to be the best way.

So; because you have a problem with obesity, for whatever reason (and I think it's partly the society, partly some wiring in our brains...) you feel the best chance of controlling it, with the safest outcome, is the band.

My epiphany was the pacemaker analogy; if I needed a pacemaker for my heart I wouldn't think I was cheating. Well, this helps me control how much I eat. And it isn't "easy"...I have to watch what I eat, chew well, alter my habits, exercise. It just keeps true hunger at bay.

Your daughters will understand and take their cue from you. If you feel guilty about it, they may.

[Jackiepurs31 0]

I don't know your kids, but I don't think they will be asking you those questions. All you really need to say is that you are going to have a procedure done that will allow you to eat less food and become heathier so you can be around for them for a long time. If they ask other questions after that, you can answer as well as you think you should. My 12 year old wanted to know more than my 8 year old. I showed her pictures if she wanted to see it and explained a little more. Their biggest fear will be of something happening to you during surgery. Try to reassure them that you will be fine and the surgery only takes about 45 minutes and you will probably be home the same day. I went in to the hospital when my kids went to school in the morning and I was home before school got out. I was home before they were. You will know how much to tell them....just listen to them and see how much they want to know.....Good luck to you !!!!

[spongealan 0]

Your daughters will understand and take their cue from you. If you feel guilty about it, they may.

Restless,

That statement is really helpful to me. I think I do feal guilty about it, but I need to try not to let them know I feel that way.

I know I need to get past this feeling, and I think I will once I have an epiphany such that you had. I know this is a stong word, but I feel like a "failure". I keep thinking that all that I am going through, all of the $$ that the Insurance company is paying on my behalf I wonder why I just can't stick to a normal diet, not have surgery and be a normal weight person.

I need to get my head on straight. I am getting some great information from all who post here and I thank everyone for that.

Alan

[RestlessMonkey 7]

You are normal! You just have a medical condition. I have thought, in the vast scheme of things, that being fat is way better than some things that could go wrong. And honestly I'm not kidding or exaggerating about the "success" stats with diet/exercise alone. It works but doesn't win the war. That takes more weaponry.

You are smart to do this now, before more time slips away.

[spud.mama 7]

My only comment is to not make it such a big deal of a sit down conversation. You sound more scared to talk to them then they will be to hear what you have to say. Make a big deal about the changes you have to do cuz they will learn from that and have to make changes too. Don't make such a big deal about the surgery--if you act scared or worried what they will think you will scare them and that will add more guilt your way.

Good luck it will go fine however you pursue it.

[MysticstarD 0]

I got mine 2 yrs ago when my daughters were 8,6 and 4 yrs old and they still don't know. My reason is because I don't want them to tell their dad (we are divorced).

[DownInSocal 12]

I might be the minority but I won't tell my step-kids. We have not figured out how to explain the liquid diet yet but I thought I would just say they did a surgery on my stomach and I have to eat different for awhile.

I just don't want them to know. I can't explain why.

[keithf 2]

I know I need to get past this feeling, and I think I will once I have an epiphany such that you had. I know this is a stong word, but I feel like a "failure". I keep thinking that all that I am going through, all of the $$ that the Insurance company is paying on my behalf I wonder why I just can't stick to a normal diet, not have surgery and be a normal weight person.

I felt that way for a while. Eventually, after a series of positive responses from friends and family, the shame I was feeling dissapated. We pretty much all demonstrate we *can* lose weight as a condition of surgery, but what we need help with often enough is to not gorge when presented with (like most Americans) an over-abundance of food. Over the past 30 years I've grown accustomed to eating too much, and so I have not developed any talent for knowing when I've had enough. So I need medical assistance.

As for your children.. I don't have any, though I'm the eldest by 8 and 14 years (I hate cloth diapers with a passion few can comprehend!).

I know when I was that age that I, personally, was perfectly able to carry on an intelligent conversation about anatomy. In fact, I dare say I found the subject fascinating. Now my father wasn't the sort to try to shock, but he did me the service of not under-estimating either my intelligence or my ability to integrate new information. Whether it was kidney stones or wondering whether I'd object to a younger brother, he was up-front with me, and I think my response to that approach helped put him at ease with treating me as an apprentice he could train rather than some boy in a bubble. In some ways, I think I was a little too easy on him, but said younger brother's made up for it and then some.

If you were my father, you would probably sit me down and explain the mechanics of the surgery and why you've chosen it:

-- many obese people *have* tried diet and exercise.. many times; if it worked so well, why are more of us (especially children) gaining weight?

-- we often don't receive, or recognize, or we just outright ignore the signal to stop eating. We're often conditioned in that response, and the environment our society has created is happy to feed that conditioning (as it were) with eating contests, the glorification of excessive weight (it's one thing to not abuse the obese, it's another to encourage that shape), candy in schools, high-fat/high-fructose/high-carb as a *staple*, we can continue on. WLS in general helps with that by making the signals come sooner and more .. dramatically. This helps us focus our efforts toward healthier food, both kind and quantity.

-- they can help you. Teach them how to help you measure food, or what Vitamins you need. Tell them why you need them. (I've put my *other* brother on Vitamins, and he feels the benefit already, and he's not even in need of more than a good pair of walking shoes.) Let them learn from your new example and hopefully avoid your old one. Take advantage of any latent Electra complex. :tt1:

-- and how many years does your current BMI deprive you of? Okay, maybe not the way to phrase it to the 10 year old, but I estimate my surgery will give me a dozen years more to spend with my sweetie.

[ParrotheadCathy 0]

You don't say the ages of your kids but I will say that most kids don't want complicated, drawn out explanations and discussions. The younger they are, the more simple you should keep the discussion. Tell them that you're tired of being fat (they KNOW you're fat but don't care....but if you say you don't want to be anymore, that's good enough for them), and that the doctor is going to put a band around your tummy to HELP you lose weight. If you're going to be overnight at the hospital, tell them that the doctor wants to watch you to make sure you feel okay. And tell them that when you come home you might feel tired for a few days and could use a little help. 99% of pre-teen kids love to think they are truly helping Mom and/or Dad so give them things to do .... get you a popsicle or a bottle or Water, answer the phone, bring the mail in....or whatever. They may ask what kind of band (a plastic belt is the most simple explanation) but with little guys, do tell them it's not a rubber band, LOL. A friend told her child (age 5) and she didn't want to be fat anymore so the doctor was going to put a band around her tummy to help her lose weight. The little girl was quite happy with that explanation. About a week after surgery, a neighbor asked Mom how she was feeling and the little girl chimed in "My Mommy got a rubber band put around her tummy so she won't be so fat".:grouphug:

[keithf 2]

You don't say the ages of your kids but I will say that most kids don't want complicated, drawn out explanations and discussions.

The OP said 10 and 12.

[ParrotheadCathy 0]

Sorry, I missed that! My younger granddaughter is 12. I pretty much told her what I said above .... that I was tired of being fat and that I found out that the doctor could help me with this problem. And Hannah, bless her heart, said "I love you fat or not Mimi, but if it will make you happier then it's cool".