Marriage support?

[luluharper1981 0]

Ok, I know this sounds wrong but I need some advice.....

I am by far skinny. I still weigh 228lbs. My problem is that my husband weighs 350lbs and will not do anything about it. When we got together we were both smaller. He weighed about 240. He has no control of food what so ever. He has eaten 3lbs of fudge this week and a whole pie. (we went to amish country last saturday) It makes me angry. Even before i had the surgery I had some control. I am so scared that I am going to wake up one morning and not find him attractive. He is the love of my life and my best friend. I don't want this to hurt my marriage but I also want to stay physically attracted to him. I have tried to get him to walk in the evenings with me and I cook mostly healthy meals.

HELP!!

[gamyj 0]

Hi lulu, i would talk to him very openly and honestly ( in a way that won't make him feel horrible). tell him how much you love him... tell him your first and formost concerned for his health and very carefully express the fact that you are still attracted to him, but are afraid of what could happen to the relatinship should he continue to gain ei.. sex may be more difficult if he gets bigger ect... if you feel nervous talking to him, maybe a therapist would be helpful.

i wish u lots of luck,

amy

[ParrotheadCathy 0]

Lulu, you probably know from your own experience that it is one thing to know you have a weight problem/food problem and entirely another to acknowledge that you have to do something about it. It doesn't sound like he's ready to do anything about it. You can't force it.

Has he had a physical recently? Has he even been to the doctor recently? I know too many men don't go to the doctor unless they are so darned sick! Does he have what we all know as co-morbidities? High blood pressure, sleep apnea and Type II Diabetes stand out as strong contenders at his weight...... If he hasn't been to a doctor in a while, does he snore? That can be a sign of sleep apnea.

Now, having asked those questions, do you think you could persuade him to go to the doctor for a physical? Have you told him that you fear for his well-being? For his very life?

And, lastly, I know that I look at the people around me, friends who are very overweight and before, when I was 54 pounds heavier than today, I just accepted it as the status quo and now I look at them, still loving them of course, but thinking "If I can do this why can't you?" Are you doing that a bit, too?

You can't control what he eats when he isn't with you, so he's likely to eat absolute crap at lunch, LOL. But you can continue to feed him tasty, healthy meals at home, don't have bad stuff like the pie and fudge in the house, keep a bowl of fruit washed and ready to eat sitting on the kitchen counter...and gently lead him to where he can feel safe in taking on his weight problem. He's probably secretly a little scared that he's probably gaining weight while you continue to lose and that it could come between you. But being pushed only will make him push back, rebel by eating more crap.

It's got to be a tough and even heart-breaking scenario for you right now, but good luck!

[Libbyjane1976 1]

Hey Lulu. Does he ever say why he doesn't want to lose the weight? Is there something holding him back?

[aubrie 6]

I feel your pain. My husband gained almost exactly what I lost so far. It's so frustrating. Now I'm ready to kayak, dance, hike and enjoy life, and he's to big to enjoy it with me. Sometimes I just want to scream. He's an EXTREMELY attractive man. Even big, he's good looking in the face. But It's hard to be attracted to man boobs, a dimpled butt and a tummy keg. I often wonder why he gained just as I was losing. I know it's age, (I'll be 50 in 4 weeks and he's 51) but in his case it's also stress. Know this, I worry even more. I fear for his health. He REFUSES to go to the doctor. He eats my healthy meals, but adds a bag of chips, a trip to Sonic for a banana split or a pile of cheese and crackers. So.... what do we do with a stubborn man that we adore?

[luluharper1981 0]

We have actually discussed him having the lap band, but he wont take the time to go to the dr. He makes an attempt to eat deceit sometimes, the biggest problem he has is eating in the middle of the night.

He does go get his physicals every year and his family doc tells him all the time that he needs to loose weight. I tell him that when we start a family i would like for both of us to be healthy. His best friend died at 28 from a heart attack (very overweight). I dont want to loose him for something that we can prevent.

Thanks for the advice!

[Nanook 2]

I think you're being honest and there's nothing wrong with that but I think you know that you can't change someone elses behavior. If my husband had come to me and told me that I was too fat and he wasn't attracted to me anymore I'm sure I would be a puddle of devastation!

He also gained weight along with me and has gone up and down. I've never told him to and he's never asked me to. We've been together since 1980 and have been up and down a few times. With my impending RNY revision surgery he is thinking in terms of losing weight now too because he knows that it will be easier for him if I am.

My sister used to get on her husband for his weight all the time and I don't know if that was the real issue or not with her dissatisfaction of him, they've been divorced for a few years now.

Anyway my advice which is different than most here would be to really think about what you want from him. Are you afraid of losing him to death because of his weight or is it something else? Becoming thin either for the first time or "again" can be a very emotional experience for you and you might need to get in touch with what your true feelings are about yourself and your marriage in general, good luck to you Nancy.

[Lady Lap Band 71]

Ok, I know this sounds wrong but I need some advice.....

I am by far skinny. I still weigh 228lbs. My problem is that my husband weighs 350lbs and will not do anything about it. When we got together we were both smaller. He weighed about 240. He has no control of food what so ever. He has eaten 3lbs of fudge this week and a whole pie. (we went to amish country last saturday) It makes me angry. Even before i had the surgery I had some control. I am so scared that I am going to wake up one morning and not find him attractive. He is the love of my life and my best friend. I don't want this to hurt my marriage but I also want to stay physically attracted to him. I have tried to get him to walk in the evenings with me and I cook mostly healthy meals.

HELP!!

Oh my gosh! In every way shape and form you just described my own situation! My husband and I were both smaller when we got together. I got up to 250 and he got up to 350. I started talking about the band about 1 year ago and he was super hesitant at first, then he warmed up to it but had no desire to have it himself. Which was fine by me. But he didn't seem to want to change at all! I mean he stops at the store all the time and will come home with like the super size 2 ding dong things, a huge bage of doritos and a toll house cookie icecream and he will eat that all himeself! That is minimal to what he usually eats! I really thought all hope was lost and so I just started focusing on myself. Eating right, going to the gym. I never thought he would change his mind, but all of the sudden he went to the grocery store and came home with all this healthier food and has started eating better! I don't know what happened, I think he is just following my example! Give that a try, or at least keep it up if you are doing it, hopefully he'll come around!!!!

[BDS_Geologist 0]

I think you're being honest and there's nothing wrong with that but I think you know that you can't change someone elses behavior. /QUOTE]

I think that Nancy is spot on. As practically all of us know, being chronically obese is due to physical factors and more importantly our complex mental wiring. You can be supportive and honest with your husband, but if you try to make him change, you will be frustrated and angry and he will just be angry.

My advise would be to be accepting of him, remind him gently that you want him around and don't want to lose him to an obesity related death. Trying to make him change won't work.

I've been obese since I was a small child and making the decision to get a gastric band was tough. I'd tried every diet there was over the past 40 years and succeeded and ultimately failed. Getting banded meant surrendering to the fact that I couldn't control it on my own. This is really tough for guys. You may have noticed that about 85% of all weigh loss surgery patients are women. It's a harder decision for guys and the stats prove it out.

If you want your marriage to last. Don't try to change him. He needs to decide to change himself, or not.

Bryan