Getting back up

[general_antiope 189]

Hello.

I was banded on 11/26/04. In April of 05, I got my magic fill and the weight loss began.

I admit I was not a perfect band student. I ate horrible calories, but in perfect band quantities. I was so excited that I no longer had hunger - and along with that, I lost the "lust" for food that has plagued every diet and every waking minute of my life up to that point - that I was thrilled to have no limits on whatever I wanted to eat. My band told me when to stop. I listened. It was so glorious putting down the reins and letting this little thing inside me take up the steering.

The nutritional impact wasn't so bad. Sure, my hair started getting a little voluminous on the backs of my suit jackets. I didn't let that get too bad...I made sure I was eating more Protein first, but salads were out of the question because of the pain involved in eating them (I was tight) and the struggle for protein. I hated Protein shakes. At worst, I got one cavity and dropped 100 lbs. My energy was fine.

So there I was, 193 lbs. I stayed there for about a year. I haven't seen that weight since high school. I was in size 14's that were starting to get a little loose. I could suck in my stomach and look NORMAL. I began making plans for weight loss surgery. I researched surgeons in 2007, two years after my surgery, figuring it would motivate me to drop at least another 20 lbs.

The problem was, I couldn't get under 193. It seemed like the magic was gone. I was so used to letting the band do the work, that I didn't notice it started getting loose on me. I was happy to throw all responsibility on the band, therefore, it took months to realize my eating habits were the same, but the quantities were slowly increasing. I went for a fill after 6 months of no weight loss. My hunger was back. And of course I panicked for a good 2 months, eating whatever, jamming in the calories and foods who were my friends and habits before dealing with it again, reverting back to all my horrible mental "lust" and obsession that marked my existence pre-band.

God, how I hate that feeling.

Then I started thinking that the band was working just fine, and it was me that was the problem. Once in a while I would have to PB, something would get stuck, but if I chewed really well I could get a couple of pieces of bread in, some fettucine alfredo...and if I kept at it for two hours, I could eat the whole thing. I was relating a stretched lower belly to being satisfied. I forgot how to be on the band.

I went to my doctor and told her my hunger was back, and I believed it was my fault with the secret eating and long dinners I was finally enjoying again. My band felt empty. I thought I'd stretched it with my forced eating. Every good thing about this band was slipping away and I didn't know how to stop myself. Why did the band stop working? Why did I start eating more? Was I getting used to the discomfort of eating? I wasn't throwing up a lot...

The doctor thought my band had slipped. I went for a procedure where they stuck a camera down. It's perfect. it's in place, there's no erosion. Then she tried one last thing....to give me a fill. My last fill was an overfill, so we couldn't figure out why I had zero restriction.

The band was empty.

As is common, the first response was, perhaps the port wasn't hit all the way the last time I got a fill. Which I think was 6 months - 1 year previously. Dammit!! I was really angry. I spent a whole year not losing weight, and maintaining, but thinking I'd screwed something up. She refilled me and all was good again.

Life got in the way again, I was traveling extensively, I was in the middle of a divorce, and once more I found myself a year later (bringing us to Fall 2008) having actually gained a few pounds. I was living in a hotel from June to October for my job and eating hotel food every day. I gained about 10 - 15 lbs. When I went to try to lose it, I only gained more. The "lust" and obsession was back again.

I decided to try to unfill (as I was having acid reflux, night coughs) and work on eating bigger healthier portions because I wanted to exercise. I finally, at 200 lbs, had a good time exercising. It didn't hurt. I felt powerful and strong. I felt GREAT afterwards, as opposed to on death's doorstep. It was wonderful.

Well, my habits still suck. I cannot. CANNOT. control my eating easily. I tried to go to a weight loss therapist and she just wanted me to log everything. There is a psychological/compulsive underpinning to my issues with food that one day I will get to the bottom of. I know they're there. I know there is no magic fix...but good god, now I'm 230 lbs!! I don't fit into my 14's anymore. I'm fat around the middle. I'm turning back into the unhappy girl again and I'm panicked.

I went to get another fill with Gaspar in NJ, and he noticed I was bone dry again. He said I may have a port leak, it's pretty common, I've had the band for 4.5 years. If this last fill didn't work, and I lost restriction, he said, go to Dr. Ren again and she can revise it. Simple procedure, not as traumatic as the band itself...great.

Well I got filled that last time in the middle of March. I'm empty again. The second day after the fill, I could guzzle Water. I contacted Dr. Ren and let her know what was going on with me. I told her I was afraid I've messed something up with this problem in my head/genes with food, and I messed up the tool, and she assured me I did not. And it makes sense. There is NO WAY, with a proper fill, that I could force food down without feeling very sick, uncomfortable, or throwing up. I've had that feeling before, I told her, that sucker was the perfect tool for me, and I want it back. She said we can get it back easily.

So I'm waiting to hear if my insurance will cover it. I'm pretty sure they won't. But the surgery is scheduled and I will take out financing if I have to to get this done.

I have learned a few things about the lap band. There is, however, a difference between knowing something and experiencing something. And now I've experienced it.

1. I cannot rely on my band 100% to do the work for me. It was a wonderful year long vacation when it was working. I felt like normal people feel. I viewed food in a normal way - as fuel, not a hobby, or a friend. I made good decisions because I wasn't hungry. However...

2. Hunger and band efficiency will fluctuate and I must know how to deal with it and be WILLING to deal with it. I always knew it was a partnership with the band, it did its part and I did mine. I was trying to do my part for the last two years, I figured the honeymoon was over. Luckily for me, it's not! The band wasn't working properly. But I didn't have to let it go so far. So right now I am tracking my food, watching calories, practicing mindful eating. It's not easy, but it's better than not having the band at all or being 300 lbs again.

I refuse to quit. I can't quit. I'm so damned close!!! It's a different ballgame for people who once were thin, and were now obese...you have that memory to draw on. I've never seen myself at a healthy weight, looking remotely attractive physically, so it was a vision I could never relate to...the "nothing tastes as good as thin feels." That phrase is meaningless to me. Well, WAS meaningless.

I tasted normalcy for the first time in my life and I am now gonna chase it with everything I have.

I will let you guys know how my revision drama and subsequent weight loss pans out.

I just want you all to know that it never has to end. You just have to keep getting back up. You HAVE to try. And fight.

Edited April 27, 2009 by kcampbell

[brittu 42]

Thanks so much for sharing your experience. I was just trolling the boards to find people who'd had success, suffered a setback, and were getting back on track. I could really use stories and ongoing communication with people who've been able to turn lap band issues around.

My story is somewhat similar to yours. I was banded in August 2006 and lost 75 pounds, got within about 20 pounds of my goal. Then my insurance coverage changed and I decided to save myself the 2 hour drive to my doctor's office and get filled by a local nurse without fleuroscopy. Fast forward a year and I was up 25 pounds and finally made an appointment with my surgeon to find out what was happening. Turns out I had a dilated pouch and lots of inflamation and had to be unfilled and put on liquids for two weeks. And I found out that much of the fill I thought I had was gone. I suspect that the "save money" fill I had was the culprit and that I was operating with an underfill that whole time.

I spent time researching whether I should have the band replaced or revise to a different kind of surgery. And am still working that through as I fight the insurance company that doesn't want to cover me since I'm no longer morbidly obese (well, duh, but if I don't get the band working correctly I'm sure that won't be the case for long). Plus they don't think my band problems are enough of an emergency to warrant fixing.

I decided to do my best to get my band working again. After all, if I'd seen my doctor a year ago and had the right kind of care all of this might never have happened and I'd be on of those happy bandsters still loving my band. I'm being refilled slowly and had my second fill last week. I'm also trying to get my eating under control and have added some new nutrition products to help get me there. And tonight I'll head to a local band support group to see what else I can learn that will get me back down, and under, my lap band low.

It's discouraging to have to relose those 25 pounds. And to have to take on fighting the insurance company if I need to have corrective surgery. It's also very discouraging to worry that I might not be successful with the band when I had been doing so well.

Finding other people who have struggled and gone on to success will be a big help. Keep us posted on what happens with your "leak" and how you're doing getting back on track. It will be great to follow your success.

Britt

[general_antiope 189]

Thanks Britt - I realize my post was kinda longwinded :thumbup: but I felt like I had to write the timeline and story down for some reason. For myself, I guess. I gotta get my head around this notion that it's not "all fine" and I really have to step up, here.

Well insurance denied it as I suspected, so I'm waiting to hear what the cost is going to be, and I'll attempt to get financing.

I had a rough week last week, dinnertime was unusually hard. This week I feel like I'm more in control. Right now I'm living for friday night pizza, but the fact that I'm choosing steamed brussel sprouts over pizza fries is a huge victory

Let me know how things go with ya, britt - feel free to email me too!!