dating was always difficult, but...

[kirafiki 0]

So, here I am, 110 lbs down with probably 60 to go. My self esteem is getting better, not great yet though. But since I am feeling so good physically and somewhat better mentally, I think others are detecting this and have started asking me out. Now, I love being single, but its always nice to have someone to play with. I will not go into the mental issues that are cropping up about dating, but here's the one thing that I have found. Men who ask me out are the guys who like their women thick. I don't like me thick, and never will. I say yes to them, not knowing that this is the case (i try not to assume anything about anyone without knowing them). Since I am still a 'big' girl, they seem to want to take me to all you can eat places. Like for example, I said I wanted sushi (I was craving sashimi, and figured one, maybe two orders, I am full, they haven't spent much... perfect) and he takes me to an all you can eat Japanese place. Well, I am not ready to say on a first date "I can't all-you-can-eat anymore" so I get my little plate and put teaspoon sized portions on it and pick at them. They don't have sashimi at all you can eat places. Then we have a discussion about how I don't eat much. Well, jackass, had you listened to me about where I wanted to go... a sushi BAR... you wouldn't have dropped so much cash for me to eat almost nothing.

Ok, now going into the mental stuff. Some horrible person told me when I was a fat teen that if boys asked me out, they only wanted something since boys don't like fat girls. That has haunted me since then. Now I find that translating into 'he asked me out because he assumes the fat girl will be so appreciative of having been asked out that she will most certainly put out'.

I am trying to work through this on my own, but its hard. Anyone have a similar experience or maybe some words of wisdom?

Keep up the good work... its a long road, but oh so worth it! Thanks in advance!

[notateechanow 7]

I'm sorry to see no one responded to your post! Let me begin by telling you my own father always told me that no man could or would ever love a fat woman.....so I share your struggles with how men perceive us to be. I also have many male friends who joke that large women give better oral sex. (sorry if that's too graphic, but I'm being honest and direct here....ladies, if that's news to you, step back and watch what they want from you!!!) Because of both of these reasons, I've had a really hard time trying to figure out why a man would want to go out with me----until I had a few tell me. The results were surprising, and might be helpful for you! They enjoyed my company. They think I'm cute and want to get to know me better. Ummmm hello?! Yep. It's hard to hear and even harder to believe, but I'm still working on digesting it.

I've struggled with dating. I started this journey with a live-in boyfriend. He encouraged me to do this and was the only person whom I confided in when I decided to do it. Needless to say, when my eating habits changed, it became painfully apparent that he and I had little else in common, other than eating.

I starting dating a few months after moving out from our house. The first few dates were hard primarily because I wasn't emotionally ready. Then, once emotionally ready, I had a tough time eating. I started making dates for the strange time after meals so I wouldn't be expected to eat. I go out for coffee even though I don't drink coffee! I'm still working on digesting this whole transformation. Mine has been slow but I'm a work in progress.

I've been on a dating website and still worry that when men see me, they won't find me attractive. My pictures on the site are all recent but I still have that fear-----that rejection awaits when they finally see me. At my support group we talked at length about being intimate and whether or not you tell the men you've had surgery. Honestly, I've asked my guy friends about this---if a man is naked with you, he's definitely NOT looking at skin, stretch marks or scars. He's just so damned happy you're naked with him that he's hoping to have a good performance!

Little by little, you'll grow to respect yourself more and feel better about yourself when you've heard it enough times. I'm still working on it, but it's a struggle worth winning....I hope your dating is going well. It's been a while since you originally posted.

[travelinsnorkel 0]

I'm there with ya, sistah. I can't say that anyone has every told me that guys don't ask out fat girls...HOWEVER, I have gotten the, you have such a pretty face, just lose the weight and you'll find a man. OR, my gyn told me that another 20 lbs and the guys will be after me. So, basically they are implying that I am not good enough now. I notice that I don't talk to guys or email guys on dating sites that are too cute because I think they won't be interested because I'm fat. In a lot of cases, this is the case, but in others I might have missed an opportunity. It is sad that people feel the need to express their rude opinions. Over all of the years of being overweight my self esteem has been beaten down. Guys saying rude things. I don't get why they need to comment. Dating can be fun when you find a guy who likes you for you, but those guys are hard to find!

[notateechanow 7]

It's not so much that they're hard to find----it's hard to believe they're for real. I am confident I've allowed a lot of great guys go because they were too attractive and I didn't trust that they could truly be interested in me. I canceled a date TONIGHT because I was worried that this guy wasn't going to like me...and just couldn't handle the rejection today. Tomorrow is another story. Somehow going out on a week night and wasting my time doesn't seem as bad!

I think I've been truly blessed with some fantastic men in my life. Unfortunately, because of the years of baggage and comments made, I've dismissed the good ones. They're out there and will still be there, whether you gain or lose. Keep the faith. The right man will wait until you're ready to hear it.

[Unforgettable 0]

I say it over and over again but this battle is so much more in our minds than it ever was in our stomachs, and that translates to other parts of our lives as well. I also have the same doubts, "do they want to be with me just some get some", why would someone be interested in me? etc. I started seeing a therapist for this, among all the other mental issues that come up after surgery. I'm still in the beginning stages but really am finding it all helpful.

[flirtyangel 1]

I have heard this all my life. In fact my mom just told me the other night another 50lbs and you will really be getting the attention. I get told I am beautiful all the time by friends. Yet when I go out nothing. Now mind you I have lost almost 85 lbs. I feel much better and getting more confidence. But wouldnt you guess I have not had a date in months and my last two dates were horrible. I did the match.com thing and i have had the two worst dates in my life. One guy just wanted a hook up which I will not do. And the other literally left me in the middle of a movie. If that is not a confidence booster I dont know what is. I have really been struggling. When I was bigger I got alot of dates. But they were not quality guys. With my confidence I am not will ing to settle anymore. Which leaves me with no dates. I just dont know what to do.

[notateechanow 7]

Flirty,

Congrats on your weight loss! You've done an amazing job!! I had an outstanding date last night---though I hope you don't think I'm rubbing it in your face---but the reason it was amazing was because he made me feel downright beautiful. From the way he acted to the way he looked at me, he was fantastic. BUT, I go on TONS of dates. I go out 4-5 times a week so it's not all fun and games. I've been on those crummy dates before. I'd rather stay home alone than be on another crappy date. I canceled on Monday because I had a feeling the man was really superficial. The moment he made me feel less than how I wanted to feel, I canceled. We teach people how to treat us. Don't hook up or sleep around. (Was pleased to read what you said in your post!) You get what you give. If you teach the men it's ok to use you or treat you badly, then they'll do just that. Hold out for the right guy. You're worth it. You deserve it. Learn to love yourself and be alone if you need to be. Men are attracted to women who respect and love themselves.

Don't give up yet. You'll find the right, worthy guy. :blushing:

[flirtyangel 1]

Thank you I really appreciate it

[enjoylife 1]

It’s possible that no man will ever see me naked again. I have been celibate for seven years now. This is by choice, but now I think I am stuck. Seven years is a long time – those youthful years are gone and I won’t get them back. In that time I let myself balloon into a 332 blob of fat. Then in March 2008 I got the band. I lost 99 pounds – but had major surgery this summer and gained 27 lb back. Hopefully that will go away as soon as I start moving again. Although I look fairly decent in clothes, I know what I look like naked and I can’t see anyone wanting to be with that. Plastic surgery will cost me a fortune but I think I’d better start saving because between the flab, loose skin, stretch marks, and my c- section belly pouch – I am a sexual nightmare. It’s a shame because I am pretty and clothed I can look quite sexy at times (I hope this doesn’t come off as conceited). I just don’t think that a man would go from she looks hot in clothes to she looks like a flabby hag naked and be happy. I need an awesome plastic surgeon and a top of the line successful shrink – just writing this has put me in a funky/dismal mood.

Edited August 28, 2009 by enjoylife

[JENNIFER7375 3]

I've also been through a lot of the same issues . I can't tell you the years I in awful relationships with men who treated me like crap. Between 2 long term relationships I spent 12 yrs that way. I think we get so used to being treated this way that we believe it's all we are worth. I also saw a lot of my girlfriends going through the same things. Well about 5yrs ago i found my self stuck in a relationship so miserable and abusive I cried daily. One day after i just got to a point that I finally couldn't take it. I just snapped and finally got rid of my sons father. The day he moved out I swore on my mother I was never gonna let anyone treat me like that. My whole life I'd had nice guys like me I was just too dumb to pay them any attention.The true definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I stepped back from serious relationships for awhile. I did the single thing and dated. I made it a point to not date anyone like my exes. I had a lot of fun. But I also learned a lot. Yes there are plenty of jerks that think fat girls are desperate they can just hand us anything. I've learned to give a nice guy a chance. Realized I kept ending up with losers cuz I was the one dumb enough to keep being attracted to them.The previous posters are right if you want a man to love and respect you he needs to know you love and respect yourself. I've found that their truly are men out there that love and respect their women. And no I didn't find prince charming over night. I think we've all kissed more than our fair share of frogs. But about a few months before being banded I started dating someone that finally does appreciate me. I just had to appreciate myself first to find him.

[notateechanow 7]

I read this today and thought we could all use a laugh....I've had bad first dates, but never THIS bad!:frown:

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