I'm such a loser... and not in a good way!!

Anwyn · August 26, 2005

Please help! I'm in serious need of support. I was banded on 7/26 and I get my first fill in 2 weeks. I have very little restriction, and ever since I started eating regular food last week my eating has gotten completely out of control. Why am I doing this to myself?! I'm eating too fast, not chewing enough, and flushing the food through my band with Water when it gets uncomfortable. I'm going to slip my band if I keep this up. Why am I so self-destructive???

Most days I feel like I'm pretty together, but this band has really made me see myself differently. I had surgery for God's sake, and I'm ruining my chance! I'm up 7 lbs, and I'm just sick with myself. I need to get back on track, but I feel like I don't know how. Please help me get through the next two weeks! I'd appreciate any words of encouragement you guys can give me.

Thanks for letting me vent - I've been avoiding this site for the last week so that I could stay in denial. I feel better just touching base.

Texblueyes · August 26, 2005

Anne try not to be so hard on yourself. You know the band rules tomorrow wake up and just start them it is a new day. I know it sounds easier than done. Just take it one day at a time. Keep safe foods around you. To help you get through the next two weeks. Remember to chew chew chew chew and chew some more. And put down that drink. Okay! Good luck you can do it.

Jessiebear · August 26, 2005

I went throught the same thing that you are going through right now. I think I started out thinking that I could eat anything I wanted because I had just had WLS. That & I had the OMG......When I do get real restriction I won't be able to eat this & this & this. Just remember that the band is a tool to help you lose the weight. It's not gonna lose it for you. That sounds kinda harsh. Sorry. But don't be like me & lose faith in the band & not follow directions. You have lost 30 lbs in a month. I am 8 months out & have just now lost 30 lbs. You are doing great!!!! Take a deep breath! It'll be alright! We are all here for you. Just keep reading all the different posts. That is what seemed to help me get control again. And remember to stay on top of your fills. I just had my third fill Tuesday & I am just now finally getting real restriction & the "full" feeling. And now that I am eating right, I don't even miss all of the junk! I watched my husband eat 3 pieces of bread tonight with supper & all I could do was stare at him thinking, "what are you doing?" LOL!! Like I said....You are doing great! Just hang in there!

loopylou · August 26, 2005

Anne,

I posted something very similar just the other day - the thread was something about 'multiple personalities' but I think I have blocked the rest out!!!

And look, I am not going to tell you what to do, because I know that if I was you that would just p*ss me off. So I will tell you what I have found for myself. I am nearly 4 weeks out but I have eaten everything!! Coke, pizza (a whole one!!), chips, chocolate, ice cream, hotdogs etc etc. And just over the last couple of days I have really slowed down. I have found that eating that much just bl**dy hurts!!! And I am slowly eating a bit less.

I still have whatever I want I just 'listen to my body' not because thats a good thing to do but because it bl**dy hurts if I dont. I am not going to tell you to eat less, or look after your band, I say "eat what you d*mn well want and as much of it as you want. What will happen is that it will hurt, and you will keep doing it anyway, and thats ok! Your brain will catch up sooner or later and change its message from 'eating lots cures my pain, to eating lots gives me pain' and then something magical will happen and you wont want to eat as much anymore!"

But while that is happening dont take any notice of rules or calories or any of that cr*p - give up guilt, and trust that if I can do it anyone can - and that means you! Our brains will simply not standby and let us continue to hurt ourselves - they will begin to reprogram us to eat more healthily.

Now I would not recommend this way of eating to anyone unless they have serious 'authority issues' and have been medicating themselves with food for a long time. I am saying that this worked for me and I hope it will work for Anne too, thats all.

Also I have been taking an 'chromium picolinate' suppliment that is supposed to reduce sugar cravings and I am finding that helpful too. Hang in there Darling-girl, you are NOT and loser, you are simply a person who has used food to calm and soothe yourself for so long that the thought of having it taken away is horrendously frightening. I dont blame you for cramming in every last mouthful you can get! So eat, forget rules and guilt, and be kind to yourself.

lots of hugs and licks for you,

:lick :lick :kiss

Alexandra · August 26, 2005

Anwyn, you are NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT a loser!!! You're perfectly normal, and we've all gone through periods just like the one you're in now. Try to give yourself permission to eat whatever you want, but be mindful of quantities because that now matters to your banded tummy. Really, it's not at all surprising that you're hungry and feel like you have no restriction--as you may have heard, the band is not designed to work unless it's properly adjusted. Once you get your adjustment, or after the 2nd one, perhaps, you'll feel more physical signals telling you when enough is enough.

Good on you for posting this, girl! As they say, you can't change what you don't acknowledge, so you're on your way to a better way of life.

Fauxnaif · August 26, 2005

I really recommend the book Overcoming Overeating. Used in conjuction with the band, it has really helped me deal with my compulsive eating issues.

http://search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/isbnInquiry.asp?userid=lU2SxITBuh&isbn=0449003825&itm=1

vinesqueen · August 26, 2005

I'm so sorry you are in such pain! Please don't be so hard on yourself. I gained weight before my first fill too. Sure I stressed over it, but I on'ly gained 5 pounds and not the 20 pounds I would have gained without the band.

You have no fill, hense you have no restriction. So of course you can eat everything under the sun.

But you must start to understand why you are sabotaging yourself be eating around the band. If you don't, you will probably eat around your filled band as well. I don't kow if you are seeing anyone for your overeating issues. Being filled will help with some of these because you will be forced to stop by a PB. But I must stress that will not help with the head issues.

I know that being thin, I mean, like regular people thin kind of scares the crap out of me. Letting go of my armor of fat scares me. But those are my issues. You have to figure out what your issues are. How do you do that? well, talk to people, like trained counsilors. Read that other people are going through, or have gone through. Journal what you are going through either in a paper book, or on a blog or here. Its important because you are important.

Anwyn · August 28, 2005

Thank you so much to everyone for offering your suggestions and support. I've been feeling much better since I posted. It's amazing what a little venting can do. I am still having issues of course, but I feel much better after reading your feedback.

Vines - you're absolutely right. I've known that I need counseling now for a long time, and I keep procrastinating. I've found a good program nearby, and I'm going to schedule an appointment asap (leaving for vacation tomorrow, or I'd do it Monday - yikes! that sounds like procrastinating too! :-) ) But, I am really good at keeping promises to other people, so I promise that I will set up an appointment as soon as I return.

This is going to sound really dumb, but I truly don't know what my issues are. It's not like I haven't given it plenty of thought, but I really don't think I have anything to complain about. I've had back issues this past year, but overall my life is great. I've read so many threads about those of you who have really been through so many hardships and I think to myself - you haven't had to deal with any of those things, why can't you just be happy?! I've been truly lucky in my life, yet for some reason I must on some level think that I don't deserve it. So, I'm looking forward to uncovering my issues and dealing with them head on.

Thanks again for all of your words of wisdom - words can't express how good it makes me feel knowing that there are people out there supporting me.

mousecrazy · August 28, 2005

Hi Anne, I think everyone has said all the good stuff, so that leaves me with the gentle pats and a big hug for you. Getting the lap band is just the first step to help us with our food issues. Now, there's a long journey ahead. Let's find joy in the journey, keep after it, and claim victory in the end! I just know you'll find the right things to do. Blessings, Cindy

chichigirl · August 28, 2005

I would also like to mention, that depression is unfortunately one of the 'side effects' of obesity. Your description of how you have nothing to feel bad about, sounds like it may be more of a chemical reaction than an issues problem. But only the counselor will be able to help you sort that out and guide you as to what you need to do next.

Just remember all of us are here for you any time of the day or night. This is the best support group I have ever participated in and I believe everyone here is quite genuine.

Enjoy your vaction, try to stop beating yourself up, you don't deserve that and take care of things when you get back. No one could ask for more than that. Also, remember, it's only food, not a criminal offense. Sadly, you are only hurting yourself, not committing some terrible crime. This path is not easy, but no one ever said it would be. You were strong enough to make the decision to get banded, and you will succeed.

Take Care

Cindy aka chichigirl

vinesqueen · August 28, 2005

Anwyn! Do not compaire your pain with others! That is not fair to you. And who's to say that your issues are not as valid as someone else's? Some people are just more sensitive than other people, which is a good thing.

I don't think it is dumb at all. Sometimes we cannot recognize what is going on because we are right in the middle of it. Like the analagy of the frog and boiling Water, you might be sitting in that pot of boiling Water and not even recognize it. Sometimes it takes someone else to say "hey, did you know you are being boiled" for us to recognize what is happening.

I didn't even recognize that I have this hoarding thing until being here for a while. Sure, everyone else knew it, and it runs in my family, but I couldn't recognize it because it wasn't as bad as my mother's, for instance. But I hoard. I'm working on it, but there you go.