What to do when your husband is against surgery?

[melliecat 55]

hi, all!

Any advice for me? My husband is dead set against me getting a lap band, for all the typical reasons: surgery is dangerous, I will cheat, I will be miserable, blah blah blah. Do I try to convince him, or just go with my instincts and have the band? He said he will support me, whatever my decision. I have no idea how to proceed. Right now I am scheduled for a consultation and have requested the paperwork from doctors for insurance.

Thanks for reading my post!

[Jodi_620 37]

If you are ready and you know that it is right for your then do it. Go to the consultation, ask questions, learn all you can and decide for yourself.

[bignik 0]

Im sorry I cant stop laughing , I just shouted through to my wife , and asked the question.

She shouted back deny him sex and he will soon come around.

( in full jest of course , I just had to share as thought was so funny , please dont be offended )

[debbie_7155 0]

lol@bignik

To the first thread, i would ask hubby to go with you at ALL the consultations & let him hear it for himself, yes there are risks, but all surgeries carries risks, If he can understand all there is to know about lapbanding then it will be easier for him to give you the right support,

Do this surgery for you with all the right reasons, NO one should hold you back, but its nice to see he is concerned too :tt2:

[kimaly 57]

My advice Ignore him and do what is best for you. If he thinks you'll cheat just because you lose weight remind him fat girls cheat to.

[melliecat 55]

very funny about denying sex...I will think about that one!

[imb316 0]

My husband was against it as well. After seeing how miserable I was being fat (and 2 years of kvetching) he finally said I don't encourage you but I won't stand in your way. Do what is best for you. It has been 15 months since my surgery and I have lost 103 lb's and never looked back. Good Luck!!

[Big Momma is Shrinking 0]

My hubby wasn't all gong-ho in the begining either.....

To be blunt I told him it wasn't his body, and it wasn't his decession to make....he has no idea what it is like to live in my body and this is a choice I'm making for me, it's not about him.

Once the shock wore off I asked him to come with me to a siminar so that he could hear first hand and ask any questions or concerns that he had.

My thoughts are this.....this is a very hard journey to make with alot of pitfalls along the way, it will be even more difficult with a spouse that is not supportive.

To bad the Dr's don't have a fat suit that can strap onto our loved ones so they can experience first hand what life in our body is like!

Good luck!!

~M

[JuneAct2 0]

My thoughts are this.....this is a very hard journey to make

To bad the Dr's don't have a fat suit that can strap onto our loved ones so they can experience first hand what life in our body is like!~M

LOL!! I kind of did that to my husband when we first talked about me getting the band. He was going to put out corn for the deer and I stopped him. I had him put a sack (40#) under each arm and go walking around the yard with me for about 10 minutes. (he thought I was nuts) Then I explained that THAT is what it's like for me to carry the extra weight. He fully understood why I was tired and achy all the time.

So far, I'm down 33 lbs. and he says it's the best $10K he's ever spent! We are already doing things we haven't been able to do in years!! And, since ya'll mentioned it...:redface:the sex is great now!!

Good luck to you!

[stephleon 0]

My opinion is that I know everyone that is saying “ignore him” and that kind of stuff is trying to help (laughed so hard about the withholding of sex) but the truth is this is a hard situation. I was in this same situation myself. You need the support after getting this done and for me the only person I really have is my husband (kids are too young to understand). He was really against it too. He grew up in a different culture and this is not something you do. You have surgery when it is medically necessary and only if that is the last option. He was totally against me having this done. He was afraid that I might die on the operating table. He kept asking me why I would put my life at risk for this.

So what I did was talked a lot to him over the period of 6 months. And I mean a lot. Not pushing it on him but listening to his concerns. I had done enough research on banding that I was able to give him an answer to all most all of his concerns. And when he asked me “do you want to die? Do you not love me enough to value your life?” my response was that I love him and my kids so much that I need to do this so that I can be around for a long time. I told him that I am not doing this because I want to be skinny, I want to be healthy. I told him that in order for me to make him happy, I need to be happy and I can’t do that the way I am now. I told him that a lot of my depression and never wanting to go out is because I am embarrassed for him to be seen with someone like me.

I guess what I am trying to say is don’t argue over it because you might not get as far as listening to his concerns and trying to get him to see it from your shoes. Try to get him to understand how much this means to you.

I also took my husband to the consultation appointments so he had a chance to ask questions. He was kind of ok with the idea until I had to sign the paperwork that gave permission to perform the surgery and all the possible side effects are listed. He freaked out again. So we talked about it and I told him that this is something they have to list with any surgery. My husband had to have gall bladder surgery last year so I explained to him that Lap band is similar to that surgery in the fact that it’s laparoscopic and the risks of bleeding and infection are the same things listed on the paper that he signed. He was still not 100% convinced but after I had the surgery he was so supportive and really did help me a lot with my recovery.

There is hope. I think communication is the best thing in this situation and take time to make sure that you and he knows all the information to make an educated decision. Like I said my husband was never 100% convinced that getting banded was a good idea but he stayed by my side and has ended up being the best support member and that is what is allowing me to be successful. Please keep in touch and let us know if you go through with this or not. Hope this helps

[RestlessMonkey 7]

My husband was dead against it because he's a nurse and worked in a GI lab and saw bypass patients with horrible GI issues. He felt the band would have the same results. He attended a seminar with me and my wonderful surgeon took the time after conference to address my husbands concerns. They talked about 20 minutes or so, and my husband went from dead set against it to enthusiastic.

I wanted my husband on board because I know he loves me, he's not jealous or afraid I'll dump him, and so on. I knew his reluctance was not because he was afraid, but because he was afraid for me. Knowing that, I wanted to allay his fears rather than just "ignore him".

However, honestly, if I felt he wanted me to stay fat for fear of losing me that would make me leave him so fast his head would spin. AND if he were reluctant because he thought I was just fat and lazy and could do it on my own, well,....I'd leave him over that too. After 25 years of marriage he knows I'm not lazy, he knows I love him, he knows I'm a darned hard headed woman and if I haven't been able to lose on my own, then there is a good reason for that.

So what I would do may not be what you would do. But that's how I solved the problem....education. Because of that he's been a GREAT help to me...even doing liquids when I had to and so on. He and I are adults and a team, and very respectful of each other. I understood where his fear was coming from (and he was right about bypass)...and he respected me enough to go along with an open mind and make a decision after the seminar.

[WOWOX7 0]

Milliecat,

At first my boyfriend "living with for 5 years" was not crazy about the idea. His point was.... go on a diet and lose it... "I need to lose too so we can both do it'. I tried to explain to him that I have done the DIETS for the last 30+ years, Yes,, I can lose it. but it always comes back.I could not emotionally start another DIET.

It is a health issue for me. Both parents and a brother with diabetes, I have high blood pressure, short of breath, tired, leg problems.. ect.

He told me he would support me what ever I decided to do. He just did not get the emotional side of it all. What we go through on a daily basis.. every single day.

He told me he would go to the free seminar with me. BEST THING TO HAPPEN, listening to people talking, the slide show, the Dr explaining in detail the band, surgery, post op, fills.. ect. After the seminar, he looked at me and said.. " I get it now" hearing other peoples struggles, health concerns made such a impact.

I am 14 months out, 129 lbs down and could not be happier. I WOULD NOT HAVE MADE IT WITHOUT HIS SUPPORT. Yes, it is my decision. But having him understand where I came from, and how I felt made such a differance. He is so proud of me. We are enjoying so many things TOGETHER that I could not do before. NOT JUST SEX EITHER.

I get to live longer, with less health issues. CANT TOP THAT.

Take your man to a free consultation....

Best of luck.

Lois

Edited March 20, 2009 by WOWOX7
oops

[Jillbeme65 1]

My comment is this.. Make sure that you are completely right in your mind set. I thought I was, My husband DID NOT want me to have the surgery but he said that I could do what I wanted and he would support me. I've had a rough time with all this, finally losing again, however sometimes I wish I would have listened to him and just waited and thought about it a little longer...

[sexylips 1]

do whats best for you.......mine was not happy about me having it but i followed my heart and had it done.....im happy i did.

[Carrie_C 9]

I understand how you feel because my husband was the same way. But I did it anyway because I needed to do it for myself. He is still not very supportive. The only support I really get is here on the boards. I guess that's why I stay on here all the time, lol. My advice to you is to do it anyway. No, it will not be easy afterwards if he is like my husband and still not very supportive. But it will all be worth it.