Not So Supportive Spouse

[marathonmommy 0]

Tell me . . . . not sure how to deal with this. Hubby thinks I am out of my mind for considering Lap Band. He does not know what I weigh but thinks I am crazy to consider undergoing a surgical procedure since I am NOT obese! LOL! What a joke - I am 5'8" and currently weigh close to 230 pounds. Clearly, I am obese. He thinks LB is for other types of people (300 pounds or more) and that I have "been sold" at the seminars and by the bright, shiny, colorful brochures. He doesn't feel I have tried hard enough at dieting, because "that's all" I really need to do. Bless his heart for thinking I am not obese (he's lying to himself and me). He also thinks I will not be able to enjoy a normal life with food because I will be so restricted from "normal" ways of eating. If he was supportive, I believe I would be signing up tomorrow! I know I should just do what is in my heart, but it is so hard when the one person you share your life and children with (other than extended family who I believe would be supportive by the way) is against a decision you want to make for yourself!

[Jodi_620 37]

I am sorry to hear that he is not being supportive. Do this for you first, also do it for your kids and husband. It is an improvement on your health and well being and trust me, that will far outweigh the food restrictions. My quality of life and my health have both improved so much in the past 10 months and that is refelected on everyone close to me.

The few close family members who were not behind me in the beginning are my biggest supporters now. They were concerned about the risks but now they see the benefits.

Good Luck!

[inri09 0]

you can try explaining to him that even though he does not see you as obese, health wise, statistically it is important you loose a lot of weight. You may not be "super obese", but you are obese and it causes many health problems. One doctor told me he'd rather see someone at your BMI range get a lapband while they're still young b/c you have a better chance to get close to your ultimate goal. Not only helps with heart problems, diabetes etc...but even the effect on your knees and other joints having to carry all the extra weight.

He may not believe you still, but perhaps coming from a health approach will help. He may think you only want to do it for cosmetic reasons. Good luck, its worth it.

[bandfun4me 0]

I have heard and live this one. My DH was the same way. He was adament about me and not getting this up until the last day. So I asked my mom to come with me, he went to work. I he thought if he stayed against it I would change my mind. He did not see me as being overweight either. In all honesty, He was showin his insecurity, and his selfishness. When it came down to it, he was worried about not having someone to cook his dinners and feed him and if something happened in surgery and he would have to do it all. Which really made me madder than fire. The bright side, now I am 14 months out 65 lbs down, very active, he isn't ( as always). He said to me a few months ago," " I did not realize how "big" you were before surgery"". He was lookin at some older pics and It dawned on him. So I chalk it up to being insecure as the #1 issue with my DH. So explain and try to make him understand it is all health related and you intend to be here much longer due to the surgery. Men, do this for your health and family, he will catch on. It will be a road you are working constantly. Good luck!!

[footballmom104 0]

My DH was dead set against it too, but he did go to the hospital with me and support me. He's glad I'm losing but he still didn't approve of my having surgery. My parents, however, are another story. My dad has struggled with his weight all his life and would have gotten banded in a New York minute had they had this 30 years ago. They've been my biggest cheerleaders.

[GuyMontag 1,264]

It's sweet that your husband loves you just the way you are. However, if you're weight is negatively affecting your quality of life, then it's ultimately your decision. You only have one life and if you don't want to live it fat then no one should stand in your way.

[JuneAct2 0]

Okay, let's first give these guys credit for "seeing with their hearts" and not seeing the extra weight. Then knock them on the heads for being just a little selfish and worrying about their next meal and who's going to make it for them. And, then hug and reassure them that they're not going to go hungry after you're banded. You'll still be there to cook for them...so long as they agree to take care of themselves for about 6 weeks while you're on the liquid part of the diet.

Men (and women, too) are mostly afraid of change. Especially when you're changing something that the two of you probably shared in the past. And, things will change. You will still eat food, just not as much. And you will eat slower so you'll still be able to sit down together and have a meal. It will take you as long to eat your small plate as it does for him to eat his larger plate of food.

I was banded in November 2008, and to date I've lost 33 pounds. I cook more than I did before, and I cook better food. I decided before I had surgery that if I was going to be eating alot smaller portions that I wanted those portions to be the best I could get. I still eat normal food!! My husband thinks I'm a gourmet genius, and sexy, too. I am alot more active than before. I feel better! I look better! Being alive feels good again! I wouldn't change it for the world!

Keep talking to them. Show them posts from this forum. Answer all their questions as best you can. But, if you know this is right for you, then do it! They'll be surprised in the end how good things can be. Wishing you the best!

[ShelleyB 2]

I think it's his own insecurity talking! He may think if you get thin, you will leave him. I know, it sounds crazy, but some people think that way. Also, if you focus on yourself and take care of your health, he may feel like it shines the spotlight on his own health issues and he may have to deal with that. My husband was very supportive of me getting the band because he knew how long and hard I have struggled with weight. However, he was worried that I would not be able to adhere to the lifestyles changes and did voice his opinion about that. I assured him that if I needed some more counseling after my surgery to deal with food issues, I would gladly go, because I want to be successful with this band. In the end, he was my biggest supporter and comments daily on the changes he sees already (only 3 weeks out). I agree with the other posts, you have to do it for YOU and hopefully he follow and be supportive. The very best of luck to you!!!!

[krtork 0]

Great advice from everyone! My DH was the same way, it took him two years to see that maybe this was a safe and effective option. I took him to the info meeting with me and that is where he finally "got it"! He listened to the surgeon, asked questions, and then he was crying when they showed the before & after pics at the end. He finally realized that I did need some help and this could save my life.

He has been supportive since that time. I took him to almost all of my appts before surgery so he could ask questions and feel like he was part of the process, it was the best thing I could have done.

I hope this works out for you and you get him on your side - it will improve your life!

[marathonmommy 0]

He may think you only want to do it for cosmetic reasons. Good luck, its worth it.

To be honest, cosmetic reasons are a good part of why I want to do this . . . is that so wrong? :sneaky:

However, if you're weight is negatively affecting your quality of life, then it's ultimately your decision. You only have one life and if you don't want to live it fat then no one should stand in your way.

I do feel my quality of life has suffered. I wear pants or capris in the stifling heat, I won't take my kids to a Water park, I hate going to fancy events . . .

I assured him that if I needed some more counseling after my surgery to deal with food issues, I would gladly go, because I want to be successful with this band.

I probably will need the support groups/counseling. Clearly, in addition to being obese, I have food issues. Don't they go hand in hand?

[karmaandkismet 0]

My husband is sloooooooowly warming up to the idea. Actually, we don't talk about it very much which is an improvement from having screaming matches about it. I had to make the decision to move forward with this for ME. He could either support me or not. That is HIS choice and I can't make it for him just like the decision to have the band is MY choice and he can't make it for me.

I think part of his issue is a projection type thing. He feels like he wouldn't want to do a liquid diet or he wouldn't want to give up certain foods and because he wouldn't want to do it, he doesn't want me to do it. I think he thinks he's going to lose an "eating buddy". He can be quite the enabler, bless his heart. I've noticed that since I've made the decision to do this, when we go out to eat he'll actually order appetizers now (he never did before) and he's more open to entertaining the idea of dessert (which he didn't do before). Almost like he's subconsciously saying "Look what you're going to be missing if you do this."

He's got to deal with his own issues and he'll have to do that in his own way in his own time. I have to take care of Me before I can take care of anybody else.

[Stacey627 0]

I have to be honset - i was worried about this and so I sent him an e-mail with a link that explained it and I said - this is something I want/need to do - I am not happy with me and how I look and I know deep down you aren't with me either ( never said it but I can tell) then I said read this and we will talk about it - and I signed it please don't fight me on this!!! We talked about it and he is now so supportive. I have sugrey on 5/19 - he is even going to do the 2 week pre op liquid diet with me! He is very excited for me and can't wait to show me off!!! Hang in there it will all work out!

[hserra 0]

My Husband was the same way, he didn't think I needed to get the band, he just thought I needed to diet and exercise more...after thousands of dollars spent between Weight Watchers, Medical Weight Loss programs, Personal trainers a few times a week, gym memberships, etc...I could have been banded by now. But all those programs only lasted for a few months before I got so irritated with the lack or results, sure I was losing, but it was so slow. He still doesn't understand why I need this, but he is finally coming around after a few of my "mental" break downs of being frusterated with my weight. But he had the same inscurities also, who's going to make him dinner, and he thinks we won't be able to go and eat out (hello, why do you think I am over weight!! We eat out too much! Silly husband). Anyway, everyone on here is right, you have to do it for yourself first, everyone else second, he will eventually come around, took my husband nearly 2 years...but I think he will enjoy the end result after I get banded!

[BetsyB 9]

I took my husband with me to an informational seminar and to one of my first doctor's appointments.

It made a big difference.

When my (college-age) daughter expressed anxiety about my upcoming surgery, I took her to one of my preop classes. It was very reassuring to her.

(My son? He was fine with it all along. We watch Big Medicine together.)

[AnneGG 0]

I'm not banded yet (surgery May 26), but it has helped bringing my husband to classes and appointments. My doctor said after the first class "You can bring him as much as you want! He asks such good questions!" Many of his questions were pretty negative at first; now, he just wants info. He's come around to being very supportive.

There's nothing wrong with doing the banding for vanity; I think he just might be able to hear health reasons more easily.