My fill, my anabuse!

[littlebylittle 0]

Well... here are my thoughts... I have been recalling all of my failed attempts at losing weight:ohmy:. I weighed in today at 214.6... down 65 lbs...that is the lowest since, ohhh I would say October 2004!!! The last time I was close was at 217... that was about May 07... that didn't last long (stress of wedding got to me by that point). I recalled many failed attempts in early college too...

This is all what I used to soften the blow of my restriction level that I have mixed feelings about right now. I am guessing that it WILL ease up a little, or at least I am hoping. I wonder what will be pressure, vs. pain as I move forward in this new restriction level. I have read lots of (and have empathized with) concerning posts on lapbandtalk stating that we thought it would be the solution in that it helped us get fuller faster, with small quantities, and that we could basically eat most of the foods that we did pre-surgery... I read these posts as we talked about all of the pain that was associated with eating from the restriction... and how disappointed and resentful and misled we felt as a result... to be honest, that has been part of my hesitance to get another fill... I guess I did not want that pain... I wanted to eat all the things I have been eating (I have just plain given up on breads aside from pretzels, crispy thin crusts, and crackers... really miss those steakhouse buttery doughy rolls though)... I wanted to deny the problems that I have had with dieting leading up to this point... I wanted to forget the feelings and emotions that came with joining Weight Watchers for the 10th time, the 20th time, the 30th time... I wanted to forget the reasons that THE INSURANCE COMPANY actually thought I medically needed this surgery.... I wanted to forget the harsh realities of, when telling others that I have had this surgery, people's comments NEVER included "Oh, you dont need to get surgery" "You arent THAT overweight"... nope, just agreeable and encouraging comments including: "You have a lot of courage" and "Good for you" and "You will get there".

Now I am REALLY feeling that restriction, day 3... after that .75 cc fill, total of 6.25 in 12 cc band.

I kind of view it as my "Anabuse" which if you dont know is a medication that alcoholics take to deter alcohol abuse because they will get severely sick if they drink on the medication.... even one beer.... the lapband is my anabuse.

The last 2 months I really felt myself straying back into those bad habits of comforting myself with thin crust pizza, nachos, and other comfort foods that I was able to eat too much of.. thank GOD for the exercise I was able to do... It helped me to NOT gain, but lose 5 lbs (IN 2 MONTHS):confused:, and I am sure some inches instead!!! Things aren't even THAT stressful for me right now.... SOOOO I needed my "anabuse" dose adjusted, and that is just what I did!

Even if it is painful to eat almost every meal from here on out... it will remind me of my past, and what I want my future to be.... This was never framed to me as "Easy", a "Solution", or an exact science... it is, after all in the words of my wise bariatric nurse Terry Marentette, "just a tool".... I need it, pain or not, like it or not...

Sorry I am being so deep today, I was just doing a lot of reflecting, and I guess I just needed to type it all out???

I will move forward from here (backwards on the scale)...

My wishes for you all is GREAT success, and lots of GREAT support too! God Bless you all for your courage!!!

[RestlessMonkey 7]

I'm sorry that it hurts you to eat. I don't think it should. I have 6.25 ccs in my 14 cc band (I didn't even know there was one that held 12 cc's...4, 9, 10 and 14 but never heard of 12 before! ) and if I eat too fast or too large a bite I feel it, but if I'm mindful I CAN eat anything. (Including a cheddar biscuit from Red Lobster) have you discussed your pain with your surgeon? My doc has been very conservative with the fills...so I've been slow to start losing, but as he promised, I'm now restricted (1/2 to 3/4 cup of food and full for 5 hours) and losing, but able to eat anything. I am sure that doesn't work for everyone and we are all different, but hopefully as you progress it will be different for you. Personally if it hurt me to eat the healthy stuff, my "band would fail" because I'd eat slider stuff. No "anabuse" analogy would keep me going back to pain and anguish.

I think of my band as a helpful friend and buddy. Not even a deterrent. It is like my contacts; helps me see how things really are. I don't do well with a taskmaster though..if I felt the way you did I'd go nuts! :w00t:

So I'm glad you found a mindset that works for you...I don't really understand or embrace it but that's the beauty of the band, I guess...we really can each use it in a way that works best for us! Amazing, huh?

[aubrie 6]

I LOVE the analogy to anabuse. That was so cute!! I never would have thought to compare it to that, but it was very clever. I'll have to tell my surgeon that next month when I go for my check up. He always shakes his head at my sick sense of humor. I'll give you credit though!!!!

[Aquameliza 0]

I have to say that yours is a post that I completely understand!! For the first time, I have real restriction and THIS is what I had this surgery for. If I eat too much, or too fast or the wrong food - it gets stuck and HURTS or comes back up...

A week and a half ago I got filled up to 4.6 ccs in a 1cc band and I think this is a great place to be...a little tight, but on the right track... as the original post said - I deserve this for my not years, but decades of indulgences...

BUT- if I do eat the right amount of the right food at the right speed, I am full and yes, even satisfied, with 1/2 to 1 cup of food. THAT is what this is about- THAT is why they pushed us so hard to learn our lessons and learn them early on, THAT is what we hear from so many others on this forum. I think that NOT doing the right thing was just like NOT doing the right thing for all these years - there are just consequences now besides getting fatter - and it is working for me.

[dixiedoo 0]

Little by Little - I enjoyed your posting and agree with you to a point. I too had pain every time I ate - actual pain, and wondered if that was the way full was supposed to feel from now on. It made me really scared. I talked to my doc and he had me use pepcid ac morning and night. (Please do not take this as an endorsement of this drug.)After a few days, the pain lessened and is not usually there if I chew small pieces, etc. It has helped a lot. The other thing - and it may sound really dumb - but I gave myself permission to be full and satisfied on the much smaller amount of food. I used to feel very stressed at what were small amounts of food (compared to before)and feeling that for my health, my body would need a lot more food. Once I took a deep breath and said to myself that I would be fine just eating that amount my band seemed to relax more and I was able to stop eating and be more happy about it. We shouldn't be in pain, we should be able to FINALLY listen to the signs our bodies are giving us. Sorry if I ramble but is this making sense?

[littlebylittle 0]

Dixiedoo- cute name by the way...

You make A LOT of sense!!! I think, to a point, my words may not have carried through the best via post... I have pressure and pain as I adjust to a fill, and these fills do add to my anxiety, BUT I knew that this discomfort/pressure would get better as the days passed from my fill... now 8 days ago, it has. I think that in one of my post replies their lapband was viewed as their "best friend". I see a lot of danger in that, as I would feel GREAT betrayal if something ever happened to my band, regardless of my efforts (slippage, too tight, unfill, fill, plateus,ect.) I would find myself so bitter and jaded and hopeless if I viewed it that way... besides my weight loss is up to me, and not dependant on "my best friend", but ME, and afterall this is a medical tool, NOTHING ELSE... I digress, I made a bad choice to eat an orange on day 3 after my fill, and threw up for the first time 3 times to get all the pulp out that was stuck.... that inflamed it, I am sure, even more-stupid!

Now who's rambling... lol

Soooo about what you said about giving permission to eat small amounts, and questioning whether it is healthy or not... wow... I was just having that discussion with myself yesterday... I will continue with that mindset... you were SOOO HELPFUL....

To clerify to all lapbanders that have read my post:

"anabuse" - when used correctly AS A TOOL FOR SOBRIETY does not make you sick, but allows you to stay sober to attend 12 step programming efforts, and to learn a QUALITY OF LIFE beyond drinking alcohol... doesn't the same apply to our lapbands?? when used correctly AS A TOOL FOR HEALTHY EATING it does not make me sick, but allows me to eat healthy, lose the excess weight, attend to my needs for personal growth and determination, and to learn a QUALITY OF LIFE beyond comforting myself with the wrong foods....

Does that make sense my friends??

[Bino 44]

Littlebylittle...just wanted to say I really appreciated your post. I had my second fill in December and have not lost any weight sense. My husband has told me several times to call the doctor to see if I need another fill, especially since he says I eat more than I should be at this point. But, I had a lot of anxiety...worrying about being too tight, getting stuck, etc. But I called the doctor and I go for another fill on Friday.

Thanks,

Bino