female only Should I be mad at my husband for looking at dirty pictures?

[DivaStyleCoach 89]

With all due respect to previous posters...

I think the issue is less with a husband viewing porn than with a husband (or a wife, for that matter) CHOOSING to view porn rather than express themselves to their chosen mate.

If you are choosing virtual sex over reality, then there's something that's not happening. Either the viewing party has expectations that are not being met (and if they are unspoken, they can NEVER be met) or there is a breakdown in the relationship to the point that the viewing party has CHOSEN to spend time alone in self-gratification rather than seek it with their domestic partner.

In either situation, there is a challenge / problem that needs to be overcome. It's not really about insecurity - it's that the online activity is viewed as a THREAT to the relationship.

If the online activity were, in fact, activity with another flesh-and-blood person, there would be very little doubt that its a serious issue. Why is it less serious because the "other person" happens to be a series of images / videos / chatting online? Being replaced by your significant other is a hurtful thing - no matter what form the replacement takes.

We could just as easily be talking about any of those other activities mentioned by Jabba the Mutt in his posting...

Yes, my DH looks at porn online; Yes, we do occasionally look at it together; No, I don't have a problem with it any longer, because the majority of the time he shares it with me and it's my choice to join in or not. What I originally had an issue with (and I'm not the original poster) is when he CHOSE to spend more time "relating" to the photos and videos and website he saw online than he spent relating to me as his flesh-and-blood wife. I see that as a contradiction to our vows that said "forsaking all others"...

I have not asked him to stop viewing, only to stop chatting because I viewed that as taking it a step further than I was comfortable with.

I might also add - all of this activity takes place on HIS computer - so if he downloads something that gives him a virus, it does not affect MY computer or the bulk of our household information, which is on MY computer because he chooses it that way.

YMMV...

[circa 0]

I think the bigger picture here is the lie involved. It doesn't matter what he promised to do, he broke that promise. He lied about this.

I for one don't give a rat's ass what my husband looks at on the internet. I don't care if he goes to the nudie bar. I know where he's at each and every night and i know where his heart is. That's what matters to me. What I do care about is whether or not he's honest with me. Lying to your spouse is breaking more vows than I can sputter out right now.

[Carrie_C 9]

Telling him that he can't watch porn just because she's insecure is selfish and immature too. Placing demands upon him that he can neither meet nor admit to not meeting is hardly thinking about his feelings either. His feelings are as important as hers too, ya know. That works both ways.

I never once said that I was insecure. And I also never TOLD him he couldn't look at porn. I never even asked him to stop. He VOLUNTARILY told me that he would stop. There is a HUGE difference. I have huge moral issues with this, and my husband claims he does too, and that's why he wanted to stop looking at it. If you will read some of my previous posts, you will see where I said I don't care if he looks at it, I just don't want to see it and I don't want it downloaded on OUR computer where viruses can get in from it and where there is a huge chance that our 17 year old would see it. You haven't even read half of what I have said about it. I also don't appreciate being called selfish and immature. You don't even know me.

[Fanny Adams 7]

My apologies, Carrie, I was responding to what the other poster said about insecurities, rather than your words. That being said, however, you have said that your physical relationship with him is less than optimal for you, i.e. he doesn't compliment you or tell you that he finds you attractive any more. That implies a level of insecurity, even if justified by his inactions. I think it is that issue far more than the porn viewing that you should be addressing with your husband. If he was letting you know in no uncertain terms that you still rock his world, I don't think you'd care half as much about what he viewed online.

I won't try to debate the moral issues with you, because we just don't see the world the same way, but I do think you are helping to set up the circumstances for your husband to unintentionally hurt you. He might have volunteered the words "I'll stop looking" but if you dig into it, I'd bet he's saying that because he thinks it is what you want to hear, not because it is what he wants to do. Rather than try to hold him to his word to "never watch again", which only makes the act of viewing much more exciting and tempting, why not set up a situation where he can view safely on a separate computer or something? Second hand computers are cheap as chips these days, so it wouldn't take much to fix things, if the downloads and virus risk are really the only problem.

[Carrie_C 9]

Again, I never tried to hold him to his word to never look at porn again. I even told him that I knew he would look, I just didn't want it downloaded. I don't see what the problem with that is. Some have made me sound like a monster for asking him not to download it. I don't see why it's a problem for him to meet me half way. I have heard from a lot of people to just buy him his own computer so he could do what he wants. I don't know how much money others have, but we can't afford a second computer with an internet connection. We are barely making our house payment as it is. There is no extra money for another computer just so he can look at porn on it.

[Fanny Adams 7]

Well you did phrase your initial question as "Should I be mad at my husband for looking at dirty pictures?" My answer to that, without taking into account the other issues, would be "No, it's pretty normal." As I said in my first post, the trust issues are another matter and I can see your point with that.

[gamyj 0]

I think that if you asked your husband not to do something and he does whatever it is ive asked him not to do then he has disrespected you as a wife. it doesn't matter if it has to do with porn or anything else for that matter.. id be mad for the deception and sneakiness.

I hope all is well now for u!

good luck

amy

[Carrie_C 9]

I think that if you asked your husband not to do something and he does whatever it is ive asked him not to do then he has disrespected you as a wife. it doesn't matter if it has to do with porn or anything else for that matter.. id be mad for the deception and sneakiness.

I hope all is well now for u!

good luck

amy

Thank you, everything is fine now.