female only Should I be mad at my husband for looking at dirty pictures?

[pattygreen 5]

I think they should compromise and he should have a short-term deadline...if he goes 1 week without looking at porn online, she should make love to him. Note - I said make love, not just have sex. That way, she'll be validated as well.

If he's willing to abstain for a week, he can make it two weeks, then a month, then who knows? As long as they are dealing in absolutes with no "wiggle" room, they could end up getting divorced and neither of them will be truly happy about that...

That's great advice, I'm going to share it with her. Although once she told me that because it's been sooo long, they have become bitter towards each other and she finds it hard to connect.

[DivaStyleCoach 89]

That's great advice, I'm going to share it with her. Although once she told me that because it's been sooo long, they have become bitter towards each other and she finds it hard to connect.

I understand how difficult that can be...it's going to take a special effort on both their parts to reconnect, but it can be done.

If they both want it to work, they can make it through this...please encourage your friend to put aside her hurt feelings as much as possible and give it a shot. Her husband may not respond positively the first time, but if she gives it a good try, no one can blame her if it eventually does not work out.

I would also encourage your friend to read a book by Gary Chapman called "The Five Love Languages". Maybe physical touch is her husband's primary love language and by rejecting him, she has caused him to be more hurt than he can let on. Perhaps if they BOTH read it, they can get past this and heal their marriage.

I'll keep a good thought for them...

[pattygreen 5]

You know, I have that book! I read it a while ago and thought it was great. I'll loan it to them. Thanks

(My love language is words of affirmation, and quality time)

[aubrie 6]

Regarding porn, I've told my husband, "I don't really care where you get your appetite, as long as you ALWAYS come home to eat!!!!!!!" And to be honest, sometimes his healthy appetite is of GREAT benefit to me. Sometimes we watch together and we end up having a wonderful encounter. I'm not threatened by it. I'm confident in myself and confident in my relationship with him. He's a man. He's going to look. I'd worry if he didn't find women attractive anymore, because I'm a woman and that means he wouldn't find me appealing either. Then I would worry he had a physical problem or worse. He doesn't lie to me about it, and we don't keep secrets. We are adults and in my opinion are healthy adults and act like it. Granted, if he was chatting with other women, and calling them, then we have a totally different issue. that's cheating and betrayal. If I know he's looking, and join him occasionally, there's no secret, and no issue. Personally, I feel kind of sorry for the women that feel intimidated by a piece of printed paper, or a computer screen. When the interest becomes warm, flesh and blood, then you have reason to worry and even panic. At THAT point, you have been replaced.

[HeatherO 7]

Regarding porn, I've told my husband, "I don't really care where you get your appetite, as long as you ALWAYS come home to eat!!!!!!!" And to be honest, sometimes his healthy appetite is of GREAT benefit to me. Sometimes we watch together and we end up having a wonderful encounter. I'm not threatened by it. I'm confident in myself and confident in my relationship with him. He's a man. He's going to look. I'd worry if he didn't find women attractive anymore, because I'm a woman and that means he wouldn't find me appealing either. Then I would worry he had a physical problem or worse. He doesn't lie to me about it, and we don't keep secrets. We are adults and in my opinion are healthy adults and act like it. Granted, if he was chatting with other women, and calling them, then we have a totally different issue. that's cheating and betrayal. If I know he's looking, and join him occasionally, there's no secret, and no issue. Personally, I feel kind of sorry for the women that feel intimidated by a piece of printed paper, or a computer screen. When the interest becomes warm, flesh and blood, then you have reason to worry and even panic. At THAT point, you have been replaced.

I agree . . . you have made excellent points. :tt1:

[Carrie_C 9]

I agree that it is just paper or a computer screen and men are going to look regardless. I guess my biggest problem with it is he never looks at me. He never gives me compliments or tells me I look nice. I can't tell you how many times I have dressed all up for him and he doesn't even say anything. I have lost almost 50 pounds and I swear he doesn't even notice. He never tells me how good I look or even acknowledges anything about me physically. It hurts very bad and it would hurt any woman who's husband doesn't look at her, yet gets off on looking at pictures of other women, especially as hard as I have been working to look good.

[DivaStyleCoach 89]

I agree that it is just paper or a computer screen and men are going to look regardless. I guess my biggest problem with it is he never looks at me. He never gives me compliments or tells me I look nice. I can't tell you how many times I have dressed all up for him and he doesn't even say anything. I have lost almost 50 pounds and I swear he doesn't even notice. He never tells me how good I look or even acknowledges anything about me physically. It hurts very bad and it would hurt any woman who's husband doesn't look at her, yet gets off on looking at pictures of other women, especially as hard as I have been working to look good.

Carrie, I feel your pain and hurt...here's a risky suggestion:

Have you told him how his lack of notice makes you feel? Sometimes men can be incredibly DENSE and they don't realize their actions are hurtful until we figuratively smack them in the forehead and tell them. It's risky, because if you aren't ready for a potentially hurtful answer, don't ask the question, but you might also be pleasantly surprised.

Men sometimes forget (if they ever knew) that some women need to HEAR it. I am like that to a certain extent...I need to HEAR occasionally that my DH finds me attractive and sexy. He is fond of SHOWING it, but I still like to HEAR it. It was a difficult conversation, but he understands me better now and makes an effort to express his feelings verbally.

If you feel comfortable doing so, consider telling your DH how you are feeling - use "I, me" sentences:

I wonder sometimes if you still find me attractive...

It would really help me if you told me what you like about my appearance...

I love hearing that you find me attractive, it makes me feel good about the progress I'm making...

If you phrase it in "you" sentences, he may just shut down:

You never tell me I'm attractive any more...

What's the matter? Aren't you attracted to me any more?

You never mention my weight loss - are you okay with it?

These may put him on the defensive. To borrow one of my mom's expressions "Keep it light and airy". If the conversation seems to start out too intensely, he may clam up for fear of offending you even more.

Please let me know how you're doing...:thumbup:

[pattygreen 5]

ebony rose, you should be a counselor. What do you do for a living? I compliment you on your wonderful way at giving guidance. Everything you advised was right on target IMO.

[*susan* 1,709]

I agree, Ebony, you have the most amazing advice.

[DivaStyleCoach 89]

ebony rose, you should be a counselor. What do you do for a living? I compliment you on your wonderful way at giving guidance. Everything you advised was right on target IMO.

Thank you for the compliment, PattyGreen! I have looked into coaching / counseling but never really took steps to formalize it. I do love giving advice, though!

I agree, Ebony, you have the most amazing advice.

Thank you for the compliment, Susan! :tt2:

It's cause I'm getting older and I've made so many mistakes that now I can pass along what I've learned in the hopes that I'll help someone else avoid them! :cursing:

[SuzanneG 1]

Ebony, I agree with the others! I was thinking about cutting and pasting your advice in an email to my 21 year old daughter. Although I need to make them more generic since the nature of her problem is less personal.

I really liked the part about the "I" sentences. Very well said.

[Renob 1]

Wow!!!

Many of ya just need to chill out; it’s not a big deal. I find it funny but most of my wife’s friends who have issues with porn are the same woman who read 4 trashy romance novels a week , why do they do this hmm could it be all the fucking going on in those books, please excuse my French. Oh and don’t tell me you all don’t fantasize while reading those novels.

Oh and if it is a big deal you just might want to take a serious look at yourself and figure out why? Don’t get all caught up with a guy checking out a little porn and stab him with the “YOU HAVE AN ADICTION” sword due to your own little insecurities that’s just wrong.

I have found in my 41 years that most woman get off reading some type of erotica be it the romance novel or hardcore stuff but it seems to me they do this for the same reasons guys watch porn for a little fantasy time the thing is most guys are very visual so the pics/movies do it for us more so then the books.< /span>

So what your husband told you he would stop and you found out he didn’t, well you put him in a very tuff position I’m sure all hell would of broken loose if he had told you “NO I won’t stop” so he did what most guys would of done and said “Ok I will stop”

Some person early in this thread said “we all do things in private that we don’t want anyone to know about”, that statement speaks volumes!!! I see nothing wrong with the trashy romance novel or some porn unless they become destructive to any parts of the rest of their life! Everything in moderation.

I do find it somewhat strange that the original poster said she had no issue with him looking every so often but downloading it was going too far, how is that going too far??? He is looking at naked women the end result is the same weather it’s on your hard drive or on the internet.

In the end if we all knew what are wife’s or husbands did in their personal time Im sure we woudl laugh, freak out and all types crazy thought we woudl have, lol let them have their OWN time. I will say it again CHILL OUT and let each other enjoy a little personal fantasy time we all deserve it so don’t take it away from the one you love.

I have walked in on my wife reading one of those romance novels and she had here magic wand out and was going to town on herself, I thought it was great and in no way felt threatened by it, shoot I think it’s healthy and would be worried if she didn’t do things like that. Oh and by the way I have been known to “rub one out” while checking out some pics/movies myself J It doesn’t mean I love my wife any less but out of respect I don’t do it in front of her, unless she asks me to J.

Life is short enjoy it!!!

Edited March 31, 2009 by Renob

[lingling 0]

I believe that men looking at naked women is normal behaviour, same as watching porn - that's how their brains and hormones work. However I also believe it can be hurtful and devaluing to their partners. My way of looking at it is that the act of sex can be an arousing thing to watch, however objectifying actual individual women and just looking at their "beauty" is hurtful to me as I feel like he could just look at me as I am a woman! The act is something different. I do also agree with Renob, private time is private time - so long as he's still putting out and treating you like a lady - he's just silly enough to get caught!!

They say it is defined as an "addiction" when it's impacting on your life and you cannot or do not change the behaviour.

In this case it's more complex, it is impacting on your life not his, as it is hurting you and making you insecure. What you have to work out for you is does it hurt you enough to ask him to stop it, and if he cannot, then THAT is when it is a problem, the downloading in itself is not a problem per se.

Edited March 31, 2009 by lingling

[Carrie_C 9]

I still don't think some of you get it. The problem I have with it being downloaded is this is my computer too and I don't want to see it. And I'm sure he wouldn't want to see naked men if I downloaded them. It is about respect. And I'm the one that said we all do things in private that we don't want others to know about. And if he wasn't going to stop looking at it, he should have been honest. No, I probably wouldn't have liked it, but at least he would have been honest with me about it instead of lying over and over. And just for the record, I don't read romance novels.

[DivaStyleCoach 89]

Wow!!!

Many of ya just need to chill out; it’s not a big deal. I find it funny but most of my wife’s friends who have issues with porn are the same woman who read 4 trashy romance novels a week , why do they do this hmm could it be all the fucking going on in those books, please excuse my French. Oh and don’t tell me you all don’t fantasize while reading those novels.

Renob - I agree with you there...men are more visual, women more 'cerebral'...

Oh and if it is a big deal you just might want to take a serious look at yourself and figure out why? Don’t get all caught up with a guy checking out a little porn and stab him with the “YOU HAVE AN ADICTION” sword due to your own little insecurities that’s just wrong.

Again, here we agree...to wave the addiction sword, so to speak, too early is a sure way to cut off conversation and communication on this sensitive issue...

Some person early in this thread said “we all do things in private that we don’t want anyone to know about”, that statement speaks volumes!!! I see nothing wrong with the trashy romance novel or some porn unless they become destructive to any parts of the rest of their life! Everything in moderation.

Ah, but there's the rub (so to speak)...'destructive' is a subjective term. Destructive to one person might be nothing to another...

I do find it somewhat strange that the original poster said she had no issue with him looking every so often but downloading it was going too far, how is that going too far??? He is looking at naked women the end result is the same weather it’s on your hard drive or on the internet.

When it's on the hard drive there is an implied 'connection'. In her mind, perhaps downloading it meant that the photo 'touched' him in some way or that he was developing more of a connection to that type of woman or that type of figure. If the photo looks nothing like her, I can completely understand why she'd feel threatened. Just looking and moving on is one thing, downloading to keep it for a while and go back to it again and again implies something more...

I will say it again CHILL OUT and let each other enjoy a little personal fantasy time we all deserve it so don’t take it away from the one you love.

As long as the 'personal fantasy time' doesn't adversely impact the relationship time, then we agree...

Oh and by the way I have been known to “rub one out” while checking out some pics/movies myself J It doesn’t mean I love my wife any less but out of respect I don’t do it in front of her, unless she asks me to J.

You and your wife sound like you have a healthy relationship - congrats to you...you specifically mentioned respect - I think that's a big part of why it works for you two.

Life is short enjoy it!!!

I do also agree with Renob, private time is private time - so long as he's still putting out and treating you like a lady

That's a great point...as long as he's still satisfying his partner, no problem with his 'private time'.

They say it is defined as an "addiction" when it's impacting on your life and you cannot or do not change the behaviour.

In this case it's more complex, it is impacting on your life not his, as it is hurting you and making you insecure. What you have to work out for you is does it hurt you enough to ask him to stop it, and if he cannot, then THAT is when it is a problem, the downloading in itself is not a problem per se.

These are good points - it becomes a problem when one partner is hurt and feeling insecure. I still believe that talking it out is a great first strike - the insecurity might go away if one partner understands that the other is 'just looking' and not spending more time online than involved in their physical, real relationship.

When the online activity becomes the preferred activity and time online is prioritized over time with your flesh-and-blood spouse, plus the act of hiding the activity from your spouse instead of inviting them to share that side of your interests is what's happening, then you are headed for trouble.

Open communication is critical - even if you do not agree / approve of your partner looking at others online, that they are willing to talk about it with you and not hide it from you can make all the difference.