female only Should I be mad at my husband for looking at dirty pictures?

[Gone4Now 4]

I agree with you tap, 100%.

I think if it's been happening for years, then he's not likely to stop. He was just saying what she wanted to hear ("don't worry honey, I'll NEVER do it again") and then turning around and hiding it.

That behavior is not acceptable, no matter what the subject is, whether it be a hot-topic issue like porn, or something more mundane.

[Gone4Now 4]

That is the issue. It could be about clipping his toenails sitting in the kitchen or paying a bill. He did what he said he would not do.

That demonstrates a behavior that is not trustworthy.

Funny you say that about nails....I was the untrustworthy one over that issue many years ago. My then BF asked me not to chew my toenails. (After baths, I'd chew them when they were soft...I don't do that anymore - don't judge. :lunch: I was young.)

I laughed and said, sure I'll stop - without really meaning it. I thought it was no big deal...why's he getting his panties in a bunch? - The next day I was doing it again.

He FLIPPED. He was ready to break up because I'd said that I'd stop, and I didn't. For him there was no grey area.

It was a little lesson for me about trust. Now I don't agree to something I'm not willing to do or not do.

[Carrie_C 9]

I agree, he was only telling me what I wanted to hear.

[Gone4Now 4]

Carrie...How did your talk go? Are you guys okay now?

[barneygirl 0]

My 2 cents worth, I hate porn because I know as a real woman I will never be able to compete w/ air brushing, all imperfections wiped out. hair and makeup made perfect. It sets unrealistic standards if I am not enough for my husband and that is what he needs to look at, something I will never be, goodbye to him.

[Carrie_C 9]

Well, we were ok, but then we got into a huge fight the other day. He's mad at me, but I'm not even sure why. I think he is ashamed and he is taking it out on me. I don't know. I am going away with my Mom and brother for a few days. So maybe things will be better when I get back. I don't know anymore.

[Gone4Now 4]

Good luck.

[tapshoes 2]

My then BF asked me not to chew my toenails. (After baths, I'd chew them when they were soft...I don't do that anymore - don't judge. I was young.)

It was a little lesson for me about trust. Now I don't agree to something I'm not willing to do or not do.

Well, I do admire your flexibility...chewing your toenails?!?!

And yes, I wish more people followed that principle: do not say you will or will not do something if you do not intend to live up to your words!

I agree, he was only telling me what I wanted to hear.

Which is NOT the basis of trust, or a solid relationship

I don't know. I am going away with my Mom and brother for a few days. So maybe things will be better when I get back. I don't know anymore.

I hope the time away gives you both an opportunity to think calmly about the relationship. I hope things go well for you.

[DivaStyleCoach 89]

Carrie - I hope all works out well for you and your hubby. Perhaps the few days apart will help both of you clear your heads and then you'll be able to get on the same page with this.

Barneygirl - I felt much the same way as you...I guess I had to take a step back (for my relationship's sake) and examine if I was willing to throw away a 90% good relationship for the sake of the other 10% (his online activities and deception about it).

He is not deceptive about anything else in our lives - that I know of - and I'm a pretty good snoop. He's a good provider (financially), he treats me well (and lord knows I have MY faults), and he's a wonderful father. We have a good life together and after much thought, soul-searching and even some tears, I decided I was willing to fight for the good in our relationship and try to get past this issue.

After all these years, and having been through a prior bad relationship, I truly feel I've found the one for me. We are compatible in nearly every other area of our lives, and we find room for compromise in the areas where we are not exactly alike. We have raised good children (the last one is getting ready to go off to college) and we didn't wait until she left to start building new ground in our relationship.

I think he was "expecting" that I wouldn't understand, so he hid his activities. He didn't want to hurt my feelings, so he deceived me. Since our last serious blow-up about this, he's been much more open about sharing his interests, and now we look at magazines, sites, movies, etc together. We don't necessarily like the same things, but he's found out some new things about his wife, and me about my husband. We have experimented together and found some new activities we can enjoy together.

I think that putting down hard-and-fast, its-my-way-or-else ultimatums cuts out the possibility for compromise. For some that might be the only way - for me, it was not. I have an over 30-year history with this man, and he occupies a big space in my heart. I wasn't willing to give that up without a fight.

That said, if any of his online flirtations had become physical, where he met the person or heaven forbid had sexual contact with them, then that's a different story...I am trying to make sure I never have to deal with that.

In the end, however, you have to do what works for YOU. The solution I found may not be the right answer for everyone...

[livinhealthy72 0]

I understand your feelings are hurt but you have to understand most men are very good about separating what is real vs what is fantasy. Men are very visual and are going to look at other women, no matter how fabulous and hot you look. Do NOT take this personally, they are men.....they like looking.....they can't help themselves!

Addiction to porn can cause devastation to a relationship that is true. But honestly it sounds to me like he just likes to look. I would gauge it by this; does he spend money joining porn sites, does he spend money on 900 numbers, does he go into porn type chat rooms? If the answer is no to all, I wouldn't sweat it.

My advice is to relax and talk with him Don't force him to hide it from you. The fact he has to hide it and lie about it makes it a deceptive act when in fact it probably isn't. You may feel differently if you open up and try to enjoy porn with him on occassion both online and video. Rent some sexy movies together, drink some wine, get frisky and have fun!

[DivaStyleCoach 89]

I understand your feelings are hurt but you have to understand most men are very good about separating what is real vs what is fantasy. Men are very visual and are going to look at other women, no matter how fabulous and hot you look. Do NOT take this personally, they are men.....they like looking.....they can't help themselves!

Addiction to porn can cause devastation to a relationship that is true. But honestly it sounds to me like he just likes to look. I would gauge it by this; does he spend money joining porn sites, does he spend money on 900 numbers, does he go into porn type chat rooms? If the answer is no to all, I wouldn't sweat it.

My advice is to relax and talk with him Don't force him to hide it from you. The fact he has to hide it and lie about it makes it a deceptive act when in fact it probably isn't. You may feel differently if you open up and try to enjoy porn with him on occassion both online and video. Rent some sexy movies together, drink some wine, get frisky and have fun!

This is great advice, IMO...

[pattygreen 5]

IMO when men view porn, and they know their own wife would disapprove of it or be hurt by it, then it is simply a lack of respect for her. Some men like to look. to me it is wrong, but to some, it is ok. If women wouldn't degrade themselves and allow the world to see their nakedness, then these kinds of things wouldn't be an issue in marriages. I have a girlfriend who hasn't had sex with her husband in over 2 years because she feels like he is cheating on her with himself and porn. They are in a catch 22, cause she wont have sex with him so long as he continues to view naked women, and he wont stop viewing, cause he needs sex. It is destroying their marriage. If a wife feels cheated on by it, then it's the mans responsibility to make sure she doesn't feel that way by stopping. It's a mtter of respecting her wishes and feelings. Men should not give their wives any reason to feel inadequate, jealous, or self conscious of their own bodies. If it hurts their wife in any way, they should take her feelings into consideration. After all, most wives do that for their husbands, right?

[Carrie_C 9]

I do agree with you, patty.

[Abbie-pie 0]

I'd rather my husband look at porn then chew his toenails....LOL. (Sorry, the toenail chewing is just too funny to pass up)

Seriously, my DH doesn't actively look at porn, (that I know of) I trust him so I don't feel like I need to snoop around on his computer (not saying the original poster did snoop...but, I don't dig in emails or check internet history files). I think if I had kids and stuff was saved on the family PC that wasn't appropriate for them to see I would have an issue with it, otherwise I don't think I'd care. As it stands now, if porn is viewed in my home we're both watching. :crying:

On the flip side, if he was chatting with women on line in a sexual matter, I would have a problem with that. To me, that's no different then cheating in "real life". Just because it's online and not face to face doesn't make it right.

Everyone is different, it is my opinion if your husband loves you, he will respect your wishes. If he knows a habit/addiction is going to ruin your marriage it seems to me he would be willing to get help for it. The fact that he promised not to do it again and did it anyway would bother me a lot more then him actually looking at the porn would.

Just my thoughts on the subject.

[DivaStyleCoach 89]

I have a girlfriend who hasn't had sex with her husband in over 2 years because she feels like he is cheating on her with himself and porn. They are in a catch 22, cause she wont have sex with him so long as he continues to view naked women, and he wont stop viewing, cause he needs sex. It is destroying their marriage.

I think they should compromise and he should have a short-term deadline...if he goes 1 week without looking at porn online, she should make love to him. Note - I said make love, not just have sex. That way, she'll be validated as well.

If he's willing to abstain for a week, he can make it two weeks, then a month, then who knows? As long as they are dealing in absolutes with no "wiggle" room, they could end up getting divorced and neither of them will be truly happy about that...