female only Should I be mad at my husband for looking at dirty pictures?

[JABBA THE MUTT 0]

I have never been a big porn guy, but I understand. My wife could care less. She enjoys Sex and the City and other chick flicks and shows, I don't judge her.

Part of the vicarious thrill he gets from it is knowing that you are trying to catch him.

Simple answer, get him his own computer and let him do what he wants. The internet has replaced porno mags that he would hide around the house.

My wife has the best way of dealing with images of "other women". If I notice a woman in media of any form she says, "If you can get her, go for it" Guaranteed to immediately quell any man's desire for other women.

It is the forbidden that draws men, like moths to a flame.

How is looking at porn different from other hobbies like hunting, fishing, golf, watching sports, NASCAR, woodworking? It's not. You are mad because it takes away attention from YOU! Like any other hobby, pastime, or obsession.

Does it interfere with his ability to work? Has it put financial stress on your family?

Ladies, if that's the worst thing your man does, be happy.

[Carrie_C 9]

I would love everyone woman out there, thats husband/partner looks at porn to do exactly the same and them, if the husband/partner is ok with them looking at porn, then its ok. But I bet a lot of men say they wouldn't have a problem but after a while they would get insecure cause they don't look like those hunky men with their six packs and large bits down below.

I totally agree! We all need to start downloading men and then see how our husbands like that!

[mandyfielding 0]

here's to the guy's who have kindly replyed to the mess should i be mad at my hussy for looking at porn, Your input was ace and educational, even though we know what you would all say !!!!!!!!!! thanks for your help and advice.

Why bother what your hubby watches. Us women can walk into any ann summers shop, look on the web and there is always some form of sexual help, advicse for us, that is not looked upon as porny etc. That will give us the full satifaction that a man may not :thumbup:

[ksill18 0]

well i think it's all about respect. a man needs to respect a women's choice not to have to have that sh** pop up on the screen when she uses the computer.

Ok no file just POPS up on the screen of any pc. in order for a picture to open up you have to click on it. so this means she was snooping and found something...its her problem not his.

[Katies 0]

I totally agree! We all need to start downloading men and then see how our husbands like that!

Wouldn't bother my Dh one bit, just like it doesn't bother me if he looks. He's a visual guy and I get the benefit of it.

[Carrie_C 9]

Ok no file just POPS up on the screen of any pc. in order for a picture to open up you have to click on it. so this means she was snooping and found something...its her problem not his.

I was not snooping. I was loading pictures up on ebay and the file popped up when I clicked Browse. It had girls names, so I clicked on the names and the pictures popped up. i don't call that snooping. And it is his problem when he told me he wouldn't do it again and did. He lied. So I would call that a problem.

[SuzanneG 1]

I lived with a porn addict and I know first hand how out of control it can get. He was the nicest guy you ever want to meet and porn caused him to lie, cheat, and steal from me. These are things that corrode a relationship. I now have a ZERO tollerance policy and DH knew it coming into the relationship.

As for the privacy, I've always had a policy in my house for kids and adults alike, the computer is community property and just like at work, expect no privacy on it. I think if I had to hide seomething that I do regularly from DH or vice versa, then we have a breakdown in the realtionship already.

Also, no one has mentioned that, for many, this is a moral issue as well.

The bottom line is this, if she has a problem with it and he knows about it, promises not to do it and continues to anyway, then he is at fault for breaking her trust.

Edited March 17, 2009 by SuzanneG

[Carrie_C 9]

It is a moral issue for me as well. We try to go to church and be christians. I don't see that as something a christian should do.

[luluc 6]

I don't see that as something a christian should do.

look at porn, watch it, hide it from partner or all of it?

pretty sure pornography in some fashion is as old as christianity. not sure the catholic church would ex-communicate me from partaking - if that were my choice.

[Carrie_C 9]

I didn't mean to offend you. I meant hiding it and lieing about it.

[luluc 6]

oh carrie - i'm not offended, not in the least.

i did feel a twinge of the morality police - but that's another thread:)

i do sympathize with your plight. i would not appreciate a community computer used in that way. sure hope your husband got your point.......good luck to ya!

[Carrie_C 9]

I'm not the morality police, believe me! She's actually not visited this thread yet!!

[Gone4Now 4]

I haven't read all the posts, so sorry if I'm reiterating anything someone else already posted, but I think men like to look and as long as it's kept at a "normal" and safe level then whatever.

I dated a guy a long time ago that would wake up in the middle of the night to watch porn. I'd get so mad because our sex life was diminished by it. He looked at Hustler, which I can't stand, and his level of interest in nudie pics was over the top.

Now, DH barely has anything. When I met him, he had some porn movies saved on his DVR, but I actually owned more porn (and other things) than he did. He's since deleted the movies and we just watch my stuff when we're in the mood.

My point is, there is a level that you both can enjoy this...Is there anyway you see yourself opening up and trying to have a little fun with it? Is it something he feels he has to hide from you, not out of shame for what he's doing, but from the response he gets from you?

If you truly have a moral issue with porn and HATE it, then I'd say you need to re-evaluate your relationship. I know some may disagree, but after having gone through so many relationships where I didn't see eye-to-eye with my partner and now being in one where we're ALWAYS on the same page, I gotta say - it makes a huge difference. Personally I would never again be in a relationship where things like this would be a struggle.

Life is too short.

[DivaStyleCoach 89]

she doesnt get bothered by pictures or invade my privacy by hacking into my email account reading my emails....i feel bad for your husbands(not being mean or attacking some of you women) but men have to have their own releases in life. pictures are pictures and threatening to leave for him downloading pictures is just sad....wow....just pictures.

I just had to respond to this thread, and this message in particular...

I've had this problem with my DH - and the challenge I have is that NONE of the pictures / sites he visited look like me! It's a very hurtful thing to know that your man (the one who promised himself to YOU) is getting off by looking at pictures of women who look nothing like you. It's also hurtful when, as the OP stated, he says he will STOP and then he doesn't.

I've had the same situation - it went from just looking at photos online to memberships in online sites to chat rooms and emails passed between DH and other women to him giving them his cell phone number and work schedule so they could talk and I wouldn't find out.

How did I find out? I check the cell phone bills - I look up any unfamiliar numbers. From there, it was not much of a stretch to find the sites - I googled his online "name" and found them all. We've had it out about this - not just once, but several times. Each time he apologizes, promises not to do it, but weeks or months later, I'll find evidence again.

I told him if he didn't stop, he was going to alienate me and lose me. That woke him up - what if I was doing the same thing? Not just looking at other men, but ACTIVELY seeking them out for private chats and giving them MY cell phone number and work schedule so we could talk without HIM knowing?

It's been a few weeks since our last conversation about this...if it stopped at just looking at pictures, I still wouldn't like it, but I'd feel better about THAT than the chat rooms and cell phone stuff.

Make sure you lay out your feelings on this clearly and with no question. Ask him to repeat what you said if necessary so you are SURE that he gets it. Hold firm to what you say - any backtracking (which is what I did for a while) opens the door for repeated behavior.

Why did / do I have a problem with this? When you CHOOSE to leave me in the bed alone so you can spend time chatting with OTHER WOMEN on the computer, I take it as a threat to an otherwise good relationship. I don't react any differently if someone comes up to my DH while we are out on the town...I nip that sh*t quick, fast and in a hurry.

My .02 worth (though probably a LOT more than that!)

[tapshoes 2]

This issues (as I see it) is NOT porn. The issue is trust.

The man said he would not do something. He did. He tried to hide it. He lied.

That is the issue. It could be about clipping his toenails sitting in the kitchen or paying a bill. He did what he said he would not do.

That demonstrates a behavior that is not trustworthy.