What's wrong with me?!

[serenity55 15]

:unhappy:

Hi all,

Physically I'm fine. Emotionally? That's another story. I alternate between being irritable, and wanting to cry. I think about food all the time, the fact that I can't eat the way I used to.

But the truth is, I don't really WANT the stuff I think about--huge hamburgers, tacos, and I don't think about sweets at all, which is really weird. What I'm trying to say is that I don't feel that physical craving, but there's this emotional attachment, and I'm not sure if I'm grieving, or fighting to hold on to something that can never be the same. I'm three weeks post op, and can have mushies, which is great, but I'm also afraid of gaining weight. I don't want to fail, but ...

Is any of this making sense to anyone? Can someone help me?

Debbie

Edited March 3, 2009 by serenity55

[YngGram 73]

Pat the sofa and move over!!! I haven't been banned yet but I do know that you aren't alone. I am just on my pre-op and keep having "stupid" moments. I am not hungry, but for the last two hours have been fighting the urge to eat something I shouldn't! This past weekend I was all tears over everything and nothing. For many of us I think eating is an emotional thing and as women our emotions rule us. food gets used for joy and sadness, celebration and solace. We learned the bad habit of turning to food and we just have to learn how to turn away from it. Don't be hard on yourself, it takes time and this is a new journey. I am reading everything I can and keeping my mind clear. Rejoice in the victory no matter how small, and forgive yourself of infractions no matter how big.

[serenity55 15]

Thank you, niterun. Even your kind words of encouragement make me want to cry.

I'll be rooting for you on March 9th.

Debbie

[heartfire 4]

Hang in there, Debbie. What with surgery, the anesthesia, the not being able to really EAT right now, etc., you are on a roller coaster right now. Some of it is probably hormonal from the surgery too. There were times when I was a mess after surgery and I've heard others saying the same thing.

Please don't worry about gaining weight right now. The initial weeks after surgery are ALL about healing. You may or may not gain anything but don't worry if you do. Really, until you start getting fills, you'll have NO restriction so it's ALL on your own right now. After surgery, I was pretty swollen for awhile and didn't have too many problems with hunger until just before my first fill. I was blessed in that. Others aren't so blessed.

A lot of the "hunger" stuff is going to be head hunger. I still battle that. I'm NOT hungry but I want to eat it. Sometimes I win, sometimes the head hunger wins. It's not pretty. I never thought of myself as a food addict, but I am.

That's another thing. You will learn a lot about yourself that you never knew! LOL! Some of it may be shocking!

Niterun, best wishes on your surgery on Monday! That's my DH's b-day so it's a good day! :thumbup:

[bubblegum 0]

I totally understand! I know you've probably heard this a hundred times but............do you have any hobbies you can engage in?

Painting

reading

scrapbooking

anything you've been wanting to get done but can't find time?

This is what I've had to start doing. You are definitely mourning the lose and maybe holding on to something too. Do you have a therapist in your area that you could run some of this by? I currently go to a therapist who specializes in eating disorders. Hang in there!!!

[serenity55 15]

Michelle, thank you. As always, your words give me encouragement. I guess I just have to accept the fact that I'm going to be all over the place emotionally until my first fill, and maybe even after it. March 19 can't come soon enough.

I'm actually doing a little better today.

bubblegum, you're so right about the hobbies. I'm a pianist, and I had the opportunity to do some recording with a friend of mine. It took my mind off things. I attend a support group meeting facilitated by a psychologist who is part of the team in my surgeon's office, and I'm getting together with some bandsters this evening.

It's wonderful to know that I'm not alone, that you both understand.

Debbie

[healthierme8 0]

I don't have much to add beyond what's been said, but I just want you to know you're not alone. I took up sewing to try to combat some of my boredom eating. But, I still found myself the other day making a poor food choice because I was upset about something else. For me, it continues to be a battle. Good luck!

[Laurinda 1]

Over eating is a habit/addiction and like with all habits and addictions even when we "quit" it the temptation is always gonna be there.

Trust me I know 100% what you are talking about. I will find myself thinking of food for no reason (not as much now but it's still there) and I will stop and ask myself "what the heck are you doing woman?" Then I move on to something else.

Hang in there!! It gets better I promise Good-Luck to you!!!

[imb316 0]

I was also having a very hard time dealing with the emotional side of not eating. I spoke to my Dr and am now on Cymabalta for about 6 months. What a difference it made for me.

[kgloverii 0]

Debbie,

Your passion for food will dim as you get more fills and get to your sweet spot. I used to sit down and eat a whole box of macaroni and cheese for lunch and not think a thing of it... Now, I am mortified to even THINK that I thought this was 'normal.' Normal to me is a few bites for each meal and TOTAL complete satisfaction. You'll get there... but know this: everyone goes through what you are in some form or fashion, whether they want to admit it or not. We all dreamed of the buffet or the goodness of a burger and fries... and then, we get some fills, and it suddenly starts to go away. The band rewired my brain. Literally. But it takes time. Hugs!

[serenity55 15]

Thank you all. I did a little better today. I know that since I'm eating less it helps to have something more often. So I have fruit, or a Protein Shake, and I try to drink lots of Water. Even though I'm nervous about my first fill, I'll be glad when March 19 comes. I hope it helps as much as all of you have

Thanks again

Debbie. .

[2bthinagn 3]

I think what you are going thru right now is normal. I remember feeling like that too. Kind of a grieving period. Sometimes I would be so bummed at night and wanted to eat..night times are the worst for me. So, I would just go to bed!

[serenity55 15]

I went to a support meeting last night, and talked about this a little. I felt like eating today, and when I came home from work, I just went on the treadmill for 25 minutes, and I pushed myself harder than I have been. It helped because I put the energy I spent on thinking about food in to the walking, and I did fine.

I also ate a little something every couple of hours--some sugarfree Jello, fruit, (I don't like yogurt) and sugar free pudding. And Water, water, water.

One day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time, I'll get through this. It really is a roller coaster!

Debbie

[simone 0]

I also understand what you're going through, although my missing being able to eat didn't start until after I had reached my sweet spot. I was banded September 08 and only recently have I started to mourn eating. It only seems to be bad when I'm eating with unbanded friends who can consume large amounts of food. I wouldn't give up my band for any thing, but sometimes it seems like 1/2 cup of food doesn't satisfy the "taste" craving even though I know it's all in my head.

[MistyD65 1]

You know, for me it's not so much taste I mourn as it is the feeling of having a large mouthful of food. Especially savory things like mac and cheese, potatoes, casseroles. That mouth-feel is often what I REALLY want. Is that weird, or what? When I realized that about myself, it shocked me. That has nothing to do with hunger. But I've come to the conclusion that most of my eating issues have NOTHING to do with true, physical hunger. It's all mental and emotional.