Mind your own Business???HELP

[lola0806 0]

Like most of you have replied, it's a personal decision. I decided to tell only a handful of people because I didn't want people watching what I eat and how fast/slow I am losing. What most people don't understand is that this is a tool but also if you don't watch what you eat and exercise the band will not help you. My husband thinks that I should tell people because he is so proud that I decided to do something that will help me get healthy and that it is nothing to be embarrassed about. I might down the road but for now I tell people that I am watching what I am eating and exercising....which is the truth.

[bandpal 7]

... for now I tell people that I am watching what I am eating and exercising....which is the truth.

Again, just for me: to respond by telling people that I am watching what I eat and excercizing would be tantamount to lying. I tried to "watch what I eat and excercize" for my entire life and I failed miserably. I "watched what I ate and excercized" all the way up to 286 pounds. Then I finally decided to get the Lapband. True, it is just a tool. True, I now successfully watch what I eat and excercize. But I wouldn't have been able to do it without the boost the band gave me and the limits it gives me up until today. To say anything else would be misleading at best.

In my community there is a woman who lost a great deal of weight in the period of a year. At this point I was near my high of 286 pounds, desperately depressed. One evening I approached her and said, " I'm just amazed that you were able to do what you did. I think I just don't have it in me". Her reply: "Look, not everyone can do it". Later I found out that she had been banded (by the same surgeon I ended up using). It was absolutely her right not to disclose what was obviously very personal information for her. But she sure didn't help me any - and if she had said, "oh, I watch what I eat and excercize", she wouldn't have done anything for me either. Every inquiry has the potential to help someone else, even if it's a matter of showing someone that we refuse to be shamed or embarrassed by the choice we have made. Again - we are all different people in different places and have to make this decision by ourselves. Meanwhile, though, I keep hoping to meet that woman in my surgeons waiting room while waiting for a fill.

Edited March 8, 2009 by bandpal

[Oregondaisy 2,021]

So how do you feel when you hear people say Oh so and so lost all that weight but they took the easy way, weight loss surgery?

[bandpal 7]

So how do you feel when you hear people say Oh so and so lost all that weight but they took the easy way, weight loss surgery?

I feel that those people don't have the slightest idea what they're talking about. Imagine: "Oh, so and so recovered from that nasty cancer but they took the easy way, chemotherapy"; "Oh, so and so beat that darn pneumonia, but they took the easy way, antibiotics." Isn't it ridiculous? People watch you struggle your whole life, and then when you finally win, they try to cheapen the victory. What mean-spiritedness, what narrow mindedness. But my hiding what I've done when I am asked about it only buys into this kind of thinking, and I won't do it.

Edited March 9, 2009 by bandpal

[DaMomb 1]

I feel that those people don't have the slightest idea what they're talking about. Imagine: "Oh, so and so recovered from that nasty cancer but they took the easy way, chemotherapy"; "Oh, so and so beat that darn pneumonia, but they took the easy way, antibiotics." Isn't it ridiculous? People watch you struggle your whole life, and then when you finally win, they try to cheapen the victory. What mean-spiritedness, what narrow mindedness. But my hiding what I've done when I am asked about it only buys into this kind of thinking, and I won't do it.

Good for you! I agree totally with the way you think. I hope that I can somehow help someone with their weight struggle. I honestly haven't had anyone say anything like ppl on here say though. If anyone said that this was the easy way out, I would laugh in their face. Surgery...easy??? Are you kidding me??? But honestly, I have had such positive responses from everyone. I think sometimes we tend to expect prejudice from ppl and if we do, usually we won't be disappointed. Even if the prejudice is only perceived. I am certainly not saying there aren't stupid ppl out there, but we have to be careful not to carry a chip on our shoulder either.

For me, this is not about others, or what they think. This is about me. And just dealing with the band, and learning to live my life with it, I don't have time to really worry about what others think/say.

[BethFromVA 5]

In my community there is a woman who lost a great deal of weight in the period of a year. At this point I was near my high of 286 pounds, desperately depressed. One evening I approached her and said, " I'm just amazed that you were able to do what you did. I think I just don't have it in me". Her reply: "Look, not everyone can do it". Later I found out that she had been banded (by the same surgeon I ended up using). It was absolutely her right not to disclose what was obviously very personal information for her. But she sure didn't help me any - and if she had said, "oh, I watch what I eat and excercize", she wouldn't have done anything for me either. Every inquiry has the potential to help someone else, even if it's a matter of showing someone that we refuse to be shamed or embarrassed by the choice we have made. Again - we are all different people in different places and have to make this decision by ourselves. Meanwhile, though, I keep hoping to meet that woman in my surgeons waiting room while waiting for a fill.

Understood, and what you say makes sense.

On the flip side, though, I think weight can be a harder issue on women that it is on men. We still live in a society where women are expected to never age, never get fat, and never be "less than" in any way, while men are often given a free pass.

If an overweight person asked me how I lost the weight, would I tell them? I dunno, maybe. I certainly would never walk up to an overweight person and say, "Hey, I got the band, you should look into it."

However, I will share what a poster on this board says, and it says a lot (luluc):

The band does not go shopping for good foods for me. The band does not put good foods in my mouth. The band does not make me exercise when I want to stay in bed. YOU have to do all of that. So with that in mind, she wasn't incorrect in what she said. She wasn't even untruthful or misleading. She IS exercising more and she IS eating better and less.

Our reasons for telling or not telling are as vast and different as we are.

I read below your scenarios about taking the easy way out and how you would never hear people say that chemo was the easy way out of cancer. That is true. However, many do NOT see obesity as a disease like cancer. Heck, I don't even see it that way and I'm fat. Most see it as an inability to control oneself. I doubt it will EVER be viewed by the vast majority as a disease, so yes, for many, we ARE taking the easy way out.

[bandpal 7]

Understood, and what you say makes sense.

On the flip side, though, I think weight can be a harder issue on women that it is on men.

That's the truth, Ruth!

We still live in a society where women are expected to never age, never get fat, and never be "less than" in any way, while men are often given a free pass.

If an overweight person asked me how I lost the weight, would I tell them? I dunno, maybe. I certainly would never walk up to an overweight person and say, "Hey, I got the band, you should look into it."

And neither would I...

However, I will share what a poster on this board says, and it says a lot (luluc):

The band does not go shopping for good foods for me. The band does not put good foods in my mouth. The band does not make me exercise when I want to stay in bed. YOU have to do all of that.

Amen to that.

So with that in mind, she wasn't incorrect in what she said. She wasn't even untruthful or misleading. She IS exercising more and she IS eating better and less.

Absolutely- for her. It's not my truth but it is hers. I by no means meant to imply that anyone else was lying.

Our reasons for telling or not telling are as vast and different as we are.

And amen to that as well - I said that this is an issue we all have to decide for ourselves.

read below your scenarios about taking the easy way out and how you would never hear people say that chemo was the easy way out of cancer. That is true. However, many do NOT see obesity as a disease like cancer. Heck, I don't even see it that way and I'm fat. Most see it as an inability to control oneself. I doubt it will EVER be viewed by the vast majority as a disease, so yes, for many, we ARE taking the easy way out.

Then the many are free to think that - but I won't buy in to that by hiding what I've done - that's what telling less than my truth would mean to me.

[ShrinkyDink 0]

I only told a few people, and actually wish I hadn't told a few that I did because:

1. I didn't want to be under a microscope, feeling like I was being sized up every time they saw me, knowing they were wondering how much I'd lost and watching every bite I put in my mouth.

2. I had a huge fear of this failing just like everything else I've tried has failed. Then I'd be 'the girl who couldn't lose weight even with surgery' in everybody's minds. Now that I'm nearly halfway to goal I don't fear this nearly as much, but it's still in the back of my mind.

3. So many people have misconceptions about the band being the easy way blah blah blah and I don't feel like listening to it or explaining it.

When somebody asks how I'm losing I usually say I'm eating smaller portions and exercising more. I view the band as a tool that helps me along, but I feel like I've done about 75% of the work, with the bands help amounting to 25%. Where it's been the most help is when I get discouraged and say forget it and sit down with a box of Girl Scout Cookies and it only lets me eat 3 instead of the whole box. It's a lot easier to get back on track mentally after a backslide of 3 Cookies than it is after a backslide of an entire box. I could easily cheat it with slider foods, but I don't, so I don't feel like not mentioning that I have it is a lie at all. What changed is I reached a point of realizing that I HAD to do something about my weight or die. That change in thinking is what's responsible for my success more than the band. I got the band to help me along the journey, not to do it for me. If somebody who truly has a weight problem and could benefit from the band asks me and I'm close enough to them I tell them, but I take the time to educate them a little too and ask them to please not spread the word. They have nearly all completely understood my desire for privacy and have appreciated my telling them about my experience. I had one friend who was actually very offended that I hadn't told her from the beginning and has been cold to me every since, but that's her problem.

Edited March 10, 2009 by ShrinkyDink

[NurseMelly 0]

I don't walk around with a sign saying "Ask me about Lap band" but I don't hide it either. I told all my coworkers and they've all been super supportive. In fact, I think I've inspired a few to look into being banded themselves.

I guess I've never been the type of person to care what others think. I did this for me. If they think I took the easy way out, how does that hurt me? The fact is, it doesn't. I choose not to befriend small minded people. If someone has that type of attitude I don't need to waste my time trying to convert them. I'm too awesome to hang out with duds anyways :laugh:

[BethFromVA 5]

It's not so much that I care what they think, it's just that for me it's not anybody's business. I wouldn't tell people if I was treated for VD, either. :laugh:

[DaMomb 1]

It's not so much that I care what they think, it's just that for me it's not anybody's business. I wouldn't tell people if I was treated for VD, either. :laugh:

Talk about apples and oranges.... being banded and vd??? hmmm... :tt2:

[marie715 0]

Talk about apples and oranges.... being banded and vd??? hmmm... :laugh:

I saw her quote as meaning that she considers the lap band to be as personal a topic with her as vd would be. I understand that. For me, that is not an apples and oranges comparison.

[BethFromVA 5]

Talk about apples and oranges.... being banded and vd??? hmmm... :tt2:

LOL, you know what I mean. :laugh:

[BethFromVA 5]

I saw her quote as meaning that she considers the lap band to be as personal a topic with her as vd would be. I understand that. For me, that is not an apples and oranges comparison.

Yes, you got it.

I'm not saying that those who shout it from the rooftops are wrong in any way. It's just that, no matter HOW we handle it and whether we choose to tell or not tell, it is right for us no matter what. I don't feel guilty for somebody else's weight issue if I don't tell. I just can't feel responsible for others that way. Now, it doesn't mean I would NEVER tell, but if I chose not to, that is my choice, and it's not wrong. Nor is it wrong to tell everybody from the lady at the lunch counter to my garbage collector. It's just not for me is all I'm saying.

And it's not to say that I won't be more forthcoming or open about it once I lose the weight. I may.

And if you knew me and knew how not private I am, you'd understand how keeping this close to the vest is unusual for me.

[DaMomb 1]

I don't feel guilty for somebody else's weight issue if I don't tell. I just can't feel responsible for others that way.

Although I did feel like the comparison was odd, you are exactly right about the above quote.

But I guess that is a difference in personalities. I do feel a little responsible for letting others know if there is something I know that could help them. Although my starting BMI was over 40, I am not as large as a lot of ppl that have this surgery. And that doesn't matter at all, because my weight struggle has been the overwhelming focus of my life for years. When I see someone that is really large, my heart breaks for them. I know how overwhelming my weight is and has been, and how hopeless it has felt to me, and for me, if I had an additional 100 or 150 pounds to lose, I can imagine how overwhelming that would have been. So, for me, I am so hopeful that this works, and that maybe I will be the catalyst for someone else. For me, I guess I do feel like I am my brothers keeper in some ways.

Please note the excessive use of "for me". I have only my conscience to be accountable to. Not anyone elses. And, certainly, no one else is accountable to my conscience...

Edited March 10, 2009 by DaMomb
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