Thinking of surgery? Scared? Read my story....

[noahsmom 0]

(This should go in the 'success stories" posting area, but i just spent over an hour trying to post without a pic and it just WILL NOT LET ME. I am in computers for a living, so I know what I am doing. I am furious at this point, so I am posting my story here.......for whatever it is worth without a pic!!)

I remember being obsessed with this website before my surgery - scanning every story and every posting to apply to my decision and journey. I had a C-section and an appendectomy and in the year prior, but the idea of this surgery scared the Hell out of me. It was different because I was making this decision to do this to myself and there was no going back. Like getting on a roller coaster -there is no stop button, but at least the coaster is only a minute or two - this is a lifetime! I was sure I would die on the table and almost cancelled the night before. I was so scared.

All went well though and I got through it. The hardest part of the whole thing was realizing what a major MIND SCREW this whole thing really is. It isn't the physical that is effected in this process - it is your mind! The pain was minimal, the surgery no biggie, all bearable - but the effect on my mind was what surprised me the most and still does.

First off - I was not one of the lucky ones who felt no hunger in the weeks after surgery. Before surgery I could not lose more than 4 pounds and felt like an utter failure. After surgery I was to be on Clear Liquids 2 weeks, then thick liquids 2 weeks, mushies 2 weeks, and so on. I was in TOTAL HELL!! I cannot tell you upset I was - angry and furious and actually panicked that I could not eat. I also felt like I hated my band and wanted it out. I felt like I had done this terrible thing to myself and was suffering. I was mad at myself for getting so damned fat and mad for torturing myself with this ridiculous surgery. I felt hopeless and depressed. It was a very hard time in my life.....but guess what, it passed! I made it through those weeks and after that, time flew.

At first - I lost barely anything. Another girl who had the surgery with me lost tons and I started getting pissed off and avoiding her - just seeing her made me feel like a failure. I wasn't tight for forever and had to keep going back to the doctor who always made me feel stupid for my one or two pound weight loss. I hated going back there. One day, a girl in the waiting room who was now thin from the surgery told me - "look - you paid for this thing - be aggressive and keep getting a fill until it works - don't let the doctor shame you for not losing enough weight - if you could do it without a fill - you wouldn't have had the damn surgery in the first place." She was right - I swallowed my shame and made him keep doing the fills until it worked. Then started the mind games.

It was pretty tight and I had trial and error over and over. things got stuck, I PB'd a lot and slimed and felt so frustrated and stupic. I tried eating Protein first and only like the doc said, but it was so difficult. Finally I decided - screw it - count calories. I never eat more than 1200 and if it 3 ice cream sundaes that day = 1200, so be it. I can't be bothered with all the counting, weighing, measuring and what not, and typically protein is hard to get down anyway. Funny thing, I am not interested in sundaes anymore after all. I eat my 1200 calories and sometimes that is even hard to do - not to keep it down to 1200, but to eat that much! I don't like the way I feel when I eat junk and prefer salads and healthy foods now. Me - actually preferring that kind of crap! I cannot believe it. I sound like one of those skinny chicks I used to hate, but it's actually true! Wow.

Months went by and I thought - this Bullsh-- is not working. I look like an idiot and everyone is wondering why I am still so fat. Why did I do this to myself? I PD-ed a lot learning my lessons, but to my surprise, it was not so bad. I have notoriously avoided vomiting at all costs - hate it so damn much that I would rather lay in bed miserable for hours than vomit when I am sick or when I was drinking in college, but PBing is not the same - it just pops out and your done. I have gotten so good at it, I can close my office door, pop it up and go back to work in silence a few seconds later- no one hears anything. it is not like vomiting really. Its easy. I am proud of myself for that - weird, but true.

Finally one day - boom! I looked in the mirror and thought - damn - I look different. I feel different. People started noticing I looked different. It just creeps on you. You are going along thinking - this is not working dammit! What is taking so long - I am panicking here. Maybe this thing was a waste of money. Well - you ARE losing weight . So, while you are freaking out and upset - it is coming off in little increments. Just like it came on - one day you looked in the mirror or on a picture and WHAM - you were fat. Now you do the same thing and WHAM - you aren't.

It just takes a while and lets face it - 10 pounds on a skinny person is noticeable, but it ain't on us!! 10, then 20, then 30, then 40 and now 50. Today I am wearing a size 18 pant and my shirt is not hanging past my crotch - it is resting around my curvy waist and it just all of a sudden happened! Boom - 6 months and it is happening! I was over 300 pounds when this started and now that I am under 240 you would think that I still feel like a cow - but I don't - I feel and look awesome and it is only going to get better. I love my band and I am so happy I made it throught those first awful months to get here. I couldn't see it then, but it happened when I wasn't looking and here I am - I can cross my legs comfortably and get dressed quickly instead of crying at the closet and refusing to go anywhere. I feel so good and it is only going to get better from here.

Don't give up, don't quit, keep going and keep trying. At this point, I don't even think about food the same. I look at tv commercials of food and I used to get anxious and start hunting for food, but now, my mind says "oh, that looks good! Well, its not that great" and then I just forget about it. I actually turn food down now because I really don't want it. I don't eat because food is there or I feel pressure and panic to eat, I forget about food all the time and just go about my life. I am thinking like a normal person and I never believed I could do that. I feel so empowered and amazing. All of the other diets I have been on were fake, false, untrue - I knew I was pushing against something I could only fight for so long and then then beast would take over again - this time feels so different - it feels liket the beast is finally dead and the real me is in charge. I understand why some people think they have conquered the beast finally and have the band removed - your mind changes so much you believe that you don't need the physical restraint anymore - it is that powerful! I won't be fooled into that - the physical band is necessary to keep my mind in check. It is no longer a struggle - it is something I monitor and keep on top of - but not a burden and I feel HOPEFUL, not HOPELESS.

Thank you GOD for blessing me and answering my prayers! Life is good and I deserve to be well. I was sick with obesity for a long time and now I am recovering, thanks to this procedure. You can recover too. It doesn't happen over night, but it does happen.......don't give up. Soon you will be the one writing your story for others! Think ahead and keep going....trust in the Lord and trust in yourself. I pray for all of us who are burdened with the sickness and disease of obesity and our ongoing recovery. We deserve to be well - and SKINNY!!!!

[deesim 0]

Thank you for posting.

[spud.mama 7]

Very encouraging!! Thank you!!

[coolcrystal 1]

I like everything you wrote!! Especially the part about PB'ing so quickly nobody even notices and you can go back to working a second later. LOL. That part just cracked me up because I can totally relate, especially when I got too tight. My only problem is, when I got too tight and couldn't eat my body went into starvation mode and I stopped losing weight. And that totally sucks.

[jojo27 1]

(This should go in the 'success stories" posting area, but i just spent over an hour trying to post without a pic and it just WILL NOT LET ME. I am in computers for a living, so I know what I am doing. I am furious at this point, so I am posting my story here.......for whatever it is worth without a pic!!)

I remember being obsessed with this website before my surgery - scanning every story and every posting to apply to my decision and journey. I had a C-section and an appendectomy and in the year prior, but the idea of this surgery scared the Hell out of me. It was different because I was making this decision to do this to myself and there was no going back. Like getting on a roller coaster -there is no stop button, but at least the coaster is only a minute or two - this is a lifetime! I was sure I would die on the table and almost cancelled the night before. I was so scared.

All went well though and I got through it. The hardest part of the whole thing was realizing what a major MIND SCREW this whole thing really is. It isn't the physical that is effected in this process - it is your mind! The pain was minimal, the surgery no biggie, all bearable - but the effect on my mind was what surprised me the most and still does.

First off - I was not one of the lucky ones who felt no hunger in the weeks after surgery. Before surgery I could not lose more than 4 pounds and felt like an utter failure. After surgery I was to be on Clear Liquids 2 weeks, then thick liquids 2 weeks, mushies 2 weeks, and so on. I was in TOTAL HELL!! I cannot tell you upset I was - angry and furious and actually panicked that I could not eat. I also felt like I hated my band and wanted it out. I felt like I had done this terrible thing to myself and was suffering. I was mad at myself for getting so damned fat and mad for torturing myself with this ridiculous surgery. I felt hopeless and depressed. It was a very hard time in my life.....but guess what, it passed! I made it through those weeks and after that, time flew.

At first - I lost barely anything. Another girl who had the surgery with me lost tons and I started getting pissed off and avoiding her - just seeing her made me feel like a failure. I wasn't tight for forever and had to keep going back to the doctor who always made me feel stupid for my one or two pound weight loss. I hated going back there. One day, a girl in the waiting room who was now thin from the surgery told me - "look - you paid for this thing - be aggressive and keep getting a fill until it works - don't let the doctor shame you for not losing enough weight - if you could do it without a fill - you wouldn't have had the damn surgery in the first place." She was right - I swallowed my shame and made him keep doing the fills until it worked. Then started the mind games.

It was pretty tight and I had trial and error over and over. things got stuck, I PB'd a lot and slimed and felt so frustrated and stupic. I tried eating Protein first and only like the doc said, but it was so difficult. Finally I decided - screw it - count calories. I never eat more than 1200 and if it 3 ice cream sundaes that day = 1200, so be it. I can't be bothered with all the counting, weighing, measuring and what not, and typically Protein is hard to get down anyway. Funny thing, I am not interested in sundaes anymore after all. I eat my 1200 calories and sometimes that is even hard to do - not to keep it down to 1200, but to eat that much! I don't like the way I feel when I eat junk and prefer salads and healthy foods now. Me - actually preferring that kind of crap! I cannot believe it. I sound like one of those skinny chicks I used to hate, but it's actually true! Wow.

Months went by and I thought - this Bullsh-- is not working. I look like an idiot and everyone is wondering why I am still so fat. Why did I do this to myself? I PD-ed a lot learning my lessons, but to my surprise, it was not so bad. I have notoriously avoided vomiting at all costs - hate it so damn much that I would rather lay in bed miserable for hours than vomit when I am sick or when I was drinking in college, but PBing is not the same - it just pops out and your done. I have gotten so good at it, I can close my office door, pop it up and go back to work in silence a few seconds later- no one hears anything. it is not like vomiting really. Its easy. I am proud of myself for that - weird, but true.

Finally one day - boom! I looked in the mirror and thought - damn - I look different. I feel different. People started noticing I looked different. It just creeps on you. You are going along thinking - this is not working dammit! What is taking so long - I am panicking here. Maybe this thing was a waste of money. Well - you ARE losing weight . So, while you are freaking out and upset - it is coming off in little increments. Just like it came on - one day you looked in the mirror or on a picture and WHAM - you were fat. Now you do the same thing and WHAM - you aren't.

It just takes a while and lets face it - 10 pounds on a skinny person is noticeable, but it ain't on us!! 10, then 20, then 30, then 40 and now 50. Today I am wearing a size 18 pant and my shirt is not hanging past my crotch - it is resting around my curvy waist and it just all of a sudden happened! Boom - 6 months and it is happening! I was over 300 pounds when this started and now that I am under 240 you would think that I still feel like a cow - but I don't - I feel and look awesome and it is only going to get better. I love my band and I am so happy I made it throught those first awful months to get here. I couldn't see it then, but it happened when I wasn't looking and here I am - I can cross my legs comfortably and get dressed quickly instead of crying at the closet and refusing to go anywhere. I feel so good and it is only going to get better from here.

Don't give up, don't quit, keep going and keep trying. At this point, I don't even think about food the same. I look at tv commercials of food and I used to get anxious and start hunting for food, but now, my mind says "oh, that looks good! Well, its not that great" and then I just forget about it. I actually turn food down now because I really don't want it. I don't eat because food is there or I feel pressure and panic to eat, I forget about food all the time and just go about my life. I am thinking like a normal person and I never believed I could do that. I feel so empowered and amazing. All of the other diets I have been on were fake, false, untrue - I knew I was pushing against something I could only fight for so long and then then beast would take over again - this time feels so different - it feels liket the beast is finally dead and the real me is in charge. I understand why some people think they have conquered the beast finally and have the band removed - your mind changes so much you believe that you don't need the physical restraint anymore - it is that powerful! I won't be fooled into that - the physical band is necessary to keep my mind in check. It is no longer a struggle - it is something I monitor and keep on top of - but not a burden and I feel HOPEFUL, not HOPELESS.

Thank you GOD for blessing me and answering my prayers! Life is good and I deserve to be well. I was sick with obesity for a long time and now I am recovering, thanks to this procedure. You can recover too. It doesn't happen over night, but it does happen.......don't give up. Soon you will be the one writing your story for others! Think ahead and keep going....trust in the Lord and trust in yourself. I pray for all of us who are burdened with the sickness and disease of obesity and our ongoing recovery. We deserve to be well - and SKINNY!!!!

DAMN WHAT A STORY I HAD MY SURGURY IN NOVEMBER AND I WAS FEELING LIKE THIS WHY ISISNT IT WORKIN LIKE IT DOES ON OTHERS THANK U SO MUCH FOR YOUR STORY IM GONNA BE THINKING DIFFERENT NOW

[HeatherO 7]

What a great story, thanks for sharing.

I agree about the entire relationship with food changing. I also learned that even though the mind set changes, when I am unfilled completely . . . the hunger beast starts creeping around in my mind again, lol. Life is different post banding, without a doubt.

I think you should definitely post this in success stories. Just take a mundane picture of a flower or butterfly or someone climbing a mountain, anything at all will due as long as there is no copyright. It doesn't have to be personal.

[Daisalana 33]

Would love to see pics

The way I add pics:

go to www.photobucket.com , make a free account, upload pic, then take the bottom url (it looks like this [img ]http://----.jpg [ /IMG] (without spaces)

And copy/paste it here.

[Oceannites 0]

Thank you very much for your post. I am just starting this process. It seems so far away but your post gives me something to look forward to.

[banderoo 0]

Thank you soooo much for this post. I am going in to be banded in like 6 days!!! I am freaking out a little. I have a question, does PB stand for puking back? Do you just like immediately vomit if something gets stuck or do you feel it and can make it to the bathroom?

[rosiered 0]

Wow what a great story ......I can relate so much I could have co-

authored this with you!! :rose:

Especially where food is now on your list of priorities. Before my surgery I thought it was crazy for someone to be too busy not to eat or not to be constantly thinking what you're going to eat.......

It's sooooo different now.

Thanks for a great story and it is truly a blessing when you know you made the best choice in your life and have no regrets!!!

:tongue2:

[noahsmom 0]

PB means productive burping - every burp and a little of your drink pops into your mouth from a few minutes earlier? That is it. You feel this huge pressure and yes, pain, where a burp comes from. It feels like a freight train and you have the PB and out comes this tiny amount of food or Water or something small and soft - it felt like a rock in there but it is just chewed food - no stomach acid so it doesn't stink or burn - just chewed food and it is easy. You feel empowered and it reminds you - CHEW CHEW CHEW - it is so easy to pop things into your mouth and forget - but the band reminds you!

[Jill10191130 4]

That was awesome. As someone who is 1 week postop and starving, I really needed that. Thank you.

[travelinsnorkel 0]

Thank you sooooooooo much for posting this! I am in Bandster Hell right now and have been really discouraged and can't get another fill for 2 weeks so it is all willpower right now. You are an inspiration! :blushing:

[AuntieGG 0]

WOW!! Thanks for this awesome post. I've been feeling like a failure for not losing 2-3 pounds every week. Some days it's easy, some days it's not. Your message has given me the encouragement I needed to keep moving forward and not compare myself with anyone else!

[lapbandking 0]

Great story I relate totally. Look me up on the web and check out my progress.

Thanks,

Lapbandking

Edited February 18, 2009 by lapbandking