When is support not really support?

[BethFromVA 5]

I posted this on my blog, but I thought it might be important to share here because I am sure I am not the only one who is experiencing this:

I know I've been raking on DH a bit here, and usually he's a decent guy, but I don't know exactly what's happening here lately. It's either time for a sit-down or to really get this before a counselor to make it a bit more neutral because, frankly, I don't believe he'll see what he's doing.

Since the "coming to Jesus" talk we had (okay, I had with him) a couple weeks ago, on more than one occasion he has made some bizarre comment when I've complimented him after making dinner. I'll say, "Oh, the chicken was good," and he'll reply, "Nah, it's okay. It's just food." The first time I asked what he was talking about and he said he needed to look at food as just sustenance and nothing else. Um, that's NOT what I said. What I said was that he lives to eat and makes everything about the food.

So that's been going on a few times since that day.

Tonight I said that he needs to stop it, to which he replied that he was only being supportive. I said no, what I feel like he's being is mocking, like he really doesn't get this whole thing I'm going through. I said that it's not bad to enjoy what we eat, it's just that he was so consumed with the act of eating that it was wharped. I said that I wished he was as into me as he is into food, and he thought I was being silly. Uh-huh... *eye roll*

Another thing that just started on Friday is that I'm getting a blow-by-blow synopsis of the weight HE has lost by virtually doing nothing. I'm exercising four days a week and eating good meals, every meal, and he's lost over 20 freakin pounds by just not eating all the junk after dinner -- in front of me. And again, he attributes it to "supporting me" -- almost like, "Look how I'm suffering for you because I'm losing weight too." Okay, he's lost almost as much as I have, and now I feel like he's crowing about it (his weight has NEVER been discussed before).

The problem with DH is, even if I try to discuss it with him, he is totally lacking in personality or person skills (read: he's very immature). He is not always good with other people, and he seems to lack the ability to understand anything or anyone beyond the end of his nose. Compassion is virtually nil. As Jennifer Aniston would say, there's a sensitivity chip missing sometimes. So when you explain something to him that he's doing, he only knows how to deny. Comprehension doesn't seem to be his strong suit -- especially when it comes from me, unfortunately.

I always knew he was going to be the hardest part of this journey, but I guess I never realized just how hard. In the past when I was just dieting, he eventually got his way and we'd start back to eating out again, leading to my weight gain. I'm not blaming him, per se, but still -- if I was doing this only own, I'd have done lost it by now, I feel. But now it's as if he's pulling out all the stops. I dunno, maybe I'm just being sensitive or reading more into it than I should, but I'm not even three months into my journey and we've already had waaaay too many conversations over this.

I think that's why I spend so much time on LBT and here -- because these are the places I get support, these are the people that understand what I'm going through. I find it sad that I can get that from people I've never met, yet a man I've known 17 years is either so self-absorbed or so clueless that he doesn't get it.

[El Diablo 1]

Why are you married to him, doesn't sound like you have one warm feeling for him?

[BethFromVA 5]

I won him at the fair and just didn't have the heart to put him in the garbage. :thumbup:

[El Diablo 1]

I won him at the fair and just didn't have the heart to put him in the garbage. :thumbup:

So, you are saying that you don't respect him but expect his undying support and respect for you?:smile:

[BethFromVA 5]

I was being facetious. Good grief, is it a male thing that SO MUCH must be explained with charts and graphs and crayons on paper??

There was nothing mentioned about why I'm married to him or if I love him because my post isn't ABOUT that. It's about being with somebody who is as much a foodie as I ever was but doesn't have the weight issue that I do. I'm making changes, and he's almost acting put out that his eating buddy isn't going along with HIS program.

It's frustration. Maybe you've never experienced that. Maybe you haven't been at this long enough, or you don't have somebody you've been with 17 years who can have a tendence to put his wants above your NEEDS. It's not whether I love him or not, this is an issue that I have had with him more than once that has aided me in falling off the wagon. It's like having two alcoholics and one chooses to abstain while the other remains an alcoholic and the change in those people's relationship towards eachother while they try to work out their relationship with alcohol. It's really no different.

*Oh wait, I just looked -- hell, you haven't even been BANDED yet, so you have NO idea what I'm talking about. Figures.

[El Diablo 1]

So, you resent him for being able to lose weight faster than you with no effort?

[BethFromVA 5]

You really are thick, aren't you??

Shit, who are you, his mom?

[El Diablo 1]

So, you hate his mother too?

[nicetydi 0]

Sounds to me like your husband is extremely insecure. He's probably afraid that once you lose the weight, you'll dump him and go looking for someone else. He is a diet saboteur. He thinks if you stay heavy, no one else will want you and he won't have to worry. He has issues. Hang in there. Do this for yourself.

[clv811 0]

I found the story about winning him at the fair to be funny :smile: But i am with you. I sometimes find home support to be hard. Sometimes I think hubby wants to as I am so no one else would want me. I am doing this for me... Not to leave ... But for me.. I want to be able to play with my kids be healty etc.. but I do agree that sometimes a large weight loss is life changing.. But I feel what is in your future is there regardless..

[YngGram 73]

I haven't been banned yet but I see without doubt that my DH will be strung on the line and left to dry out often!!! I told him I will dump Water on him when he is a butt about what I need to do to make this work. He whines because he can't take his nap because of my appointments (dr is about an hour away), he states that he will not diet. Well I'm not asking him to diet with me I'm asking him to drop a few pounds because at 56 with blood pressure issues, high clolestoral, back problems and who knows what else he hasn't told me about the extra weight is hurting him. I am dealing with my own. His answere for every problem in the 33 years I have known him has been food or sex. Well the extra weight for both of us knocks out he second one. He don't get it that the world doesn't stop or go just for him. Great father, great husband (when head is attached), but often his mouth is running but his mind is not in gear with it. Loving em is easy, living with them and liking them is why we need God and someone else to talk to.

Edited February 11, 2009 by niterun

[She Smiles 2]

Why are you married to him, doesn't sound like you have one warm feeling for him?

So, you are saying that you don't respect him but expect his undying support and respect for you?:smile:

So, you resent him for being able to lose weight faster than you with no effort?

Wow. Someone starts a thread saying they are lacking support from their spouse and you pipe up with responses like this. I'm speechless

[El Diablo 1]

Wow. Someone starts a thread saying they are lacking support from their spouse and you pipe up with responses like this. I'm speechless :hurray:

Apparently not too speechless.:hurray:

Sorry I forget sometimes that people would rather not hear the truth. It is extremely convenient to blame someone else for your failures; DH won't support me, DH loses weight faster than me, DH made me eat a whole pizza, DH pried my mouth open and shoveled a gallon of ice cream down my throat.

I figured the lady would take the hint, look at herself and make the changes for herself rather than making it a pissing contest with DH a nd save herself the trouble of making all those charts and graphs with crayons for us thick headed men But of course I haven't been banded yet and this question/rant could clearly only be answered by someone with that particular device installed.

I make my point with reason and logic, some people would rather have a hug :smile: but that's not my fault.

[JABBA THE MUTT 0]

My story is just the opposite. DW is extremely supportive and has been doing the pre-op diet with me, (or at least not eating in front of me beyond the pre-op diet).

As for one spouse or another leaving once weight is lost, try and remember who loved you when you were fat.

Men are blockheads, you are just finding this out? We are mathematical, linear, and not very intuitive. You are the one who is trying to change the dynamic of the relationship, it is incumbent upon you to use crayons, hand puppets, graphs, charts, small tasty treats, or whatever gets through to make him understand.

Men are actually like dogs (not that way, well o.k. maybe),

We require clear rules and above all, consistency. We can be remarkably obidient, with a clearly defined set of instructions.

[justmel1957 1]

I'm so sorry you've found yourself dealing with this. And I think this is something that will not be easy to change-or even impossible to change, so I would guess you would have to be the one to change how you let if effect you. You can't change someone else, but you can change how you deal with it, or let it mess with your head. Easier said than done, I know, but just try different reactions when he replies to things you've said. Maybe say nothing at all, or "you're right" etc.....see what kind of reaction you get and go from there.

I agree nicetydy above............I bet he's insecure and reacting with a knee jerk comment. You're changing, and he's afraid that will come inbetween you. Men are strange creatures. Hang in there.........get counseling if you need it and continue on your journey. It's YOUR journey and your life.