Anyone deal w/ your partner getting jealous once you start losing weight?

[BethFromVA 5]

Hang in there and keep reminding your husband that you love him and are losing the weight so you can be with him longer.

Some might take that as a threat. :smile:

[heidib 15]

Male perspective:

My wife is way more attractive than me, always has been.

My standard reply when attention is paid to her: "If you can afford her, you can have her."

All kidding aside, ladies, we are creatures of habit, we don't like change. The prospect of a newly attractive wife out in the world makes us look at our relative worthiness, and sometimes we come up a little short. This bothers us and most are not able to process these self ascribed feelings on inadequacy.

Men, be cool. If she is going to go, she will go and that means she was never really yours to begin with. Another way:

A dog on a short leash thinks only about getting off that leash, does not know why, only knows he wants off the leash.

A dog with no leash, wanders around a bit, sniffs a few trees, then lays down by the back door and waits for you to come home.

Thanks for the male side if it. I agree w/ the below part when it comes to my dh~

"The prospect of a newly attractive wife out in the world makes us look at our relative worthiness, and sometimes we come up a little short."

Our marriage is NOT 50/50 & having 3 kids in a marriage like this is very hard for me. He should step up his game.

[KikiVal315 4]

oh man-o-man...this is exactly what we're going thru. dh is proud of my weight loss, but is feeling intimidated by other men checking me out. when it comes to him, i can read him like a book. see, when i was fatter, he never really put the effort into our marriage. i tried to tell myself, it wasn't his fault; his parents have a crappy relationship, so he thinks all marriages should just be held together by a piece of paper. i know there is SO MUCH more to marriage than that. i know i got comfortable, i know i should have tried more to help him see that. but like everything else, i got lazy and said screw it. our marriage became a routine. the fatter i got, the more embarassed i was to go outside, go to a restaurant etc, be seen with him since he is skinny and i was a whale. now, i want to go out, i want to enjoy what's out there, but with him. i want to enjoy everything the world have to offer, but with the man i love. he's having a hard time adjusting to my new mindset. ive been stuck in a shell since we met, and now im coming out of that shell, and i know he's having a hard time dealing with that. ive been trying to put him at ease...hes my 31 y/o baby but sometimes i cant be that patient!!!!!

[ginny two 0]

Sorry for this long post.

Heidi, I think that if your marriage wasn't the best to begin with then it may be a good idea to get counseling. I know a lot of people are adverse to it, though. I'm really sorry that this crap is happening to you!

I guess I'm really lucky, because I'm "only" engaged, so my guy doesn't have that "she can't walk away so I can be a total a**hole" thing going on, (yet). He is 10 years older than me, so that already had him a wee bit insecure. He said the stuff about, "You're not going to leave me when you get thin are you?" I let him have it with both barrels blazing. How dare he think that I'm only with him because I'm fat and I'm settling for him? Does he really think that I'm that shallow? Why would he marry me if that's how he sees me? I asked him if he is with me because I'm "safe" as a fattie that no one else wants. We don't have the relationship that I thought we had if this is the case. All of these questions really put his stupid insecurity into perspective for him.

I told him, if men start making passes at me, I'll just be like, "Forget you! I've got an awesome man, he gets to blank this every night and I'M the lucky one!" That sounds really stupid, but it was something like that.

I read an article about a year ago that said there are certain things you can say to your man that will make him happy and secure. Since all of them fit and weren't BS, I've used them once in a while. I kind of stepped it up a little since I started losing weight. I've been married before, so I know that when you're really resenting him it's almost impossible to do this. If anyone's interested, you can pm me and I will send you the article.

One of the tougher things, is that he was a little jealous of my ex-husband. (This just started with the weight loss.) He is sure that the ex will want me back. I made the mistake of telling my fiance that he has been nicer to me lately, cause I forgot about the jealousy thing. He kind of thought that since we have a child together that I might be drawn to the idiot I used to be married to. I've started to tell him about the really emotionally and physically abusive things that happened in that relationship. I didn't before, because it just seemed like I might be looking for pity. He was pretty shocked and upset that I had gone through such a thing. But, now he doesn't worry about us getting back together!

I hope that this jealousy stuff will get out of the men's (?) systems for all of us. Have any men had this problem with their wives or partners? I'd be curious to know.

[heidib 15]

thanks Ginny & Kiki! I appreciate your input.

[Jaffa 5]

Well it sounds like your not really happy with him now. Once you lose the weight, you are going to attract more men, and eventually your going to find greener grass.

Don't kid yourself, this is how he feels, and he is probably right. A strong marriage could have problems when someone changes drastically, a weak one is definitely going to have problems.

[Makulafamy 55]

thanks Ginny & Kiki! I appreciate your input.

One of the things that I talked to the psychologist about during my mandatory psych eval is that there is a much higher divorce/seperation rate among people who have WLS. (Scary when you think the average divorce rate is about 50%)

She said one of several things happen:

As the person begins to lose weight, their personality starts to change.

or

They start to get more attention and this makes an insecure partner even more insecure

or

once the person loses weight, they realize they can do better.

I worry about my boyfriend bc his insecurities now...with me being over 300lbs are pretty high. And I am outgoing and friendly now!

[heidib 15]

One of the things that I talked to the psychologist about during my mandatory psych eval is that there is a much higher divorce/seperation rate among people who have WLS. (Scary when you think the average divorce rate is about 50%)

She said one of several things happen:

As the person begins to lose weight, their personality starts to change.

or

They start to get more attention and this makes an insecure partner even more insecure

or

once the person loses weight, they realize they can do better.

I worry about my boyfriend bc his insecurities now...with me being over 300lbs are pretty high. And I am outgoing and friendly now!

Yes, this sounds like it would be very true.

[chicamam1 1]

So, I had my surgery 9-25-08 & I have lost about 35 lbs & people are starting to really notice when we go out. We don't go out a lot but the last time my DH & I went out togther he acted very jealous (sp?) I can't stand it!!! He NEVER acts like this! Well, he did when he was 18 yrs old but not at 28!! This is something I can not deal w/. I know I'm going to lose more weight & my confidence will get even better & he is going to have a BIG problem w/ that. We have been married for 9 yrs together for 12 & I we have 3 small children together. We don't have the best relationship & he know's this. So, I think he's feeling threatened that a may leave eventually. I don't know what to do. I told him I will not put up w/ this! Please help. Thanks!

My hubby isnt the super jealous type but now that ive lost 93 pounds its becoming more apparant but more at a normal level now. example last night we were out with work friends and he has one friend that always comments he thinks im so hot ( hes a goof) well lastnight i sat between then and this guy put his arm around me to give a lil squeeze and my hubby knocked his arm off lol. didnt bug me. cuz i knew it was harmless. but yeah he would of never done that before when i was at my heaviest. he never had to worry about it. i think its a hard adjustment for men to see their wives changing and ina very positive way physically. Im hoping in your situation its something he adjusts to. i wish u all the luck

[CanadianBandster 0]

yup - and its getting on my nerves!!

He was NEVER like this before - I hate it

[jillrenee15 0]

I am in the same boat with my husband. He is glad I'm slimmer, getting closer to the weight I was when we met, which wasn't all that thin at 185. He loved me then and loves me now, but when we argue, I mean REALLY argue about something, the $11,000 I spent for surgery on myself just to lose weight and leave him always comes up. I just walk away. It's his insecurities talking, and there's nothing I can do about it. He'll have to fix himself because I can't do it for him. I'm tired of doing everything all the time. I have no plans or intentions to go anywhere, but it'll take him a year and a day to figure it out. He's a 40yo baby. Men.

[BethFromVA 5]

I am in the same boat with my husband. He is glad I'm slimmer, getting closer to the weight I was when we met, which wasn't all that thin at 185. He loved me then and loves me now, but when we argue, I mean REALLY argue about something, the $11,000 I spent for surgery on myself just to lose weight and leave him always comes up. I just walk away. It's his insecurities talking, and there's nothing I can do about it. He'll have to fix himself because I can't do it for him. I'm tired of doing everything all the time. I have no plans or intentions to go anywhere, but it'll take him a year and a day to figure it out. He's a 40yo baby. Men.

You could say, "Well, it took $11,000 to fix me. How much do you figure it's gonna cost to fix you?" :laugh:

[Marmite_crumpet 0]

This reminds me of that episode of "King Of Queens", where Doug lost weight. Suddenly the whole dynamic of the relationship shifted and Carries was NOT happy. She had always been "the hot one" and Doug had always been grateful that she stayed with him - what with his having a weight problem. Now, women were flirting with him and he was getting attention from everyone, commenting on his achievement and buff new bod. Carrie tried to sabotage his diet by tempting him with high calorie food that, previously, Doug had enjoyed and which had contributed to his weight gain.

Though the comedy of the situation was highlighted, I actually found the way Carrie acted very nasty and passive aggressive. Yea I know it is just a show, but this goes on all the time in real life, with partners showing their insecurities when the other partner loses weight. Not with everyone, but some partners display this behaviour, as witnessed by this thread.

[BethFromVA 5]

I remember that show, Marmite, and yes, she WAS nasty. I think the passive-aggressive behavior is what happens most. I have known more people who were trying to lose weight and their partner would bring them home donuts and Cookies and fast food. It's a way to try to keep the status quo.

[Manatee 4]

My thoughts on this, from a previous blog post: http://killthefatman.livejournal.com/32994.html