Anyone have a spouse who doesn't/didn't want you to get banded?

[hopeful41411 0]

My dh is not supporting my decision to b banded. He's worried that something might go wrong during surgery and I think he thinks it's (surgery) not going to work. He thinks that I'm looking for a quick fix and just wants me to do it on my own. He is overweight as well. We could both benefit from the surgery.

Have any of you experienced this? Any ideas on how to change his mind? I want his support because we are a team. My husband is my best friend and I value his opinion. TIA!

[munger 0]

I husband is supportive. He started a diet with me and we are exercising together for the first time in 15 years! However, my girlfriend's husband fought her all the way - she did it anyway. I think he was afraid that she would stop be "HER"! She loves to cook and pamper him - she still loves to cook and pamper him. It has been almost a year - and he is just now thinking it is a good thing. They run together - go to dinner and "DATE". The surgery has been a good thing for both of them.

[lompocbander 1]

My husband didn't either! I told him that, though I valued his opinion and wanted his support, it was my decision and that I would obtain support elsewhere if I needed to. I also let him know that I hadn't decided between the band and bypass (during the deciding phase). He did some research and came down heavy on the side of band, if I really HAD to do something. (His weight issues and mine are opposite, all our marriage I've had to make two versions of dinners, one with low fat and low calorie for me, one with high calorie for him, as he is very thin and it is hard for him to get his weight up, while it is hard for me to get mine down.)

When I had the surgery I asked him to go do something else, not hang around the hospital (he has little patience for medical stuff). And his tolerance for being helpful after lasted about two days--poor baby, he just isn't the nurturing type! But, we've been married just about forever (since 1972) so I'm used to this and not at all bothered by it.

Anyway, I think there were a few things that bothered him/worried him, and so I dealt with these, either directly or indirectly. I'm guessing you might have similar issues.

1. He won't admit it, but he feels insecure when I am "sexy". He feels like other men look at me and desire me, and he doesn't like it. So, he undermines my efforts to lose weight. The only way I can counter that is indirectly, as he can't admit the issue. I just have to make sure he feels completely and unconditionally loved.

2. He worried about the surgery and possible danger. I countered that by giving him the statistics on mortality and complications on this surgery type generally, and then specially from my surgeon. That took care of that.

3. He worried about how me being out of commission would effect him. (Hey, he is a guy, not to be sexist or anything.) I made sure he knew I would be cooking for him, even if I wouldn't eat it, would get stuff prepared and frozen ahead of time, would not need his help after the surgery (lined up a sister to assist), and made sure that I was ahead financially to be able to afford some time off work (being self employed.)

So, maybe try making your own list of what you think would be his main objections, or see if he can help you with that list if he is a more Enlightened kind of guy, and then knock them down, one at a time.

But the best argument is that you want to live and be here for him as long as you can, live to a ripe old age, and hey, look around you--you don't see any fat old people, do you? That's because fat people don't LIVE to be old, they die much younger.

[nfl1 0]

I was in the same position, my partner was deathly afraid something would happen to me, and DID NOT want me to have the surgery. I began the discussions really early (about a year or 8 mo. in advance, before I began the actual prep checklist from the surgeon, which takes about 4-6 mo. from beginning to scheduled surgery).

She never came to a support group, never wanted to read any info (website or brochure), see any tv show, or look at my dietary stages book. I was really afraid that this would affect us, and as the surgery drew closer, her anxiety grew.

I'm happy to report that when I began the pre-op liquid diet (2 weeks) she really stepped up. We care for her mom in our home, and she made a point to fix her meals so I wouldn't have to smell good food, or see the Bagels or bread...I was really surprised. I was banded on 1/20, and tonight - my first day of mushies - will be the first day that I have to fix the supper (since I can puree something I'm giving them).

I did go on a rampage when there was a big Stouffers TV dinner sale...so there were enough of the kinds they both liked, and it would be REALLY EASY for her to fix "meals" with me "down." So I think pre-planning might help make it easier.

I hope she surprises you too!

Nancy

[agatoprincess 0]

My situation is a little different. My dh was not supportive at first. He was not opposed to WLS, he was opposed to the band. He had done gastric bypass a little over a year ago and he was sure I would be making a mistake by choosing the band over bypass. I just couldn't bring myself to go the bypass route, The thought of re doing my insides scared the crap out of me.

I took him to my appointments and he was able to ask the dr questions. I was constantly giving him literature on the band to read. He came around and did support my decision in the end, even though I am not 100% certian he agreed. That was all I could have asked for.

I hope your DH comes around and sees the benefits of WLS, and supports your decision.

[hopeful41411 0]

Thanks for all of your support. He doesn't even want to talk about it and it makes me uncomfortable to talk about it with him, which is strange for us. I appreciate all of the advice. Please keep it coming!

[Nobody's Girl 0]

Mine told me I didn't need the surgery and that he didn't want me to go thru with it. But I did anyway. He still tells me that he wishes I didn't have the band. He says he is embaressed that I can't eat a normal amount when we go to a restraunt.

But you know what? I don't care. I had this procedure for me, not him. It's really none of his business. In fact, it kind of makes me mad that he isin't happy for me. I mean, here I am going through a life-changing surgery, I'm losing all this weight and he doesn't even care. Can't he tell that I am miserable being overweight? But it doesn't matter because I am happy and thats all that counts to me.

[hopeful41411 0]

Well he did fax a paper for me this morning, so that's good! We talked about it a lot last spring when I started thinking about it. Then I got pg. I told him yesterday that I had forgotten about it. He just wants us to be able to lose weight on our own. He's at the most he's ever been too.

We lost a bunch of weight before we got married on our own. I had a ton of time to work out. Now he's in school at night and we have two kids. Life is just a lot more busy to dedicate that much time. I was working out for hours. I have time to workout now, but just not as much.

He seems to have a hard time communicating why he's against it. I don't think either of our parents will be down with it, but we're adults and don't need there approval.

[YngGram 73]

Gave my gobber many chances to talk, he just kept saying he was OK with it but he wasn't going to diet. food is a big emeny to him that he thinks is his best friend. Well I have had a couple of opps with the processs. I made a nutrition eval appointment and it wasn't in the place I thought I was making it, (military) so we had to rush up the highway to try to get there in time. It turned out to be an even bigger mistake because the military require a 6 month supervised program first, and this check was Hitlers little sister. She almost scared me off. I got it worked out in a couple of days and got to a real person, but it caused him to have about 2 hrs. down time while he waited for me. Then my doc requires a nutrition class (4 hrs.) it was on Mon. but the office gave me the wrong time. It was about an hour from my home and we were on our way when they called and said they gave me the wrong time and it had started at 2 instead of 4. So we lost another 2 hrs & 45 min out of our day, he missed his NAP!!! It got ugly in the car real quick. So I will not be having any further discussions with him about this. He doesn't even know that I now have a date for surgery . I will drop kick him when needed or sic our girls (28 &25) on him, them he listens to.

Edited February 4, 2009 by niterun

[HeatherO 7]

My DH was nervous and afraid. He didn't want me to do anything that could risk my health, our future, or the ability to have a healthy pregnancy in the future. He was also afraid that I would get my hopes up and not find success in the end. We talked about it long and hard before coming to a final decision. He finally supported my decision but let me know that he loved me the way I was and that he would do everything he could to help me lose it the regular way.

When the decision was finally made . . . he was completely and utterly supportive. He would go biking with me for hours and exercise with me, keep his eye on my food choices and console me when I was feeling under the weather.

I lost all the weight and I am very healthy and happy. He is happy for me as well, but if I ever get sick after eating he always looks a little sad. I think sometimes our spouses are just nervous for our sakes and may not always express it well.

[roseann72 0]

Mine isn't, but my surgery date is March 10 and I'm doing it for ME!

[munger 0]

You know I agree. I love my husband and I know that he loves me. Sometimes I think he loves me more than I love him. He worries about me and only wants the best for me. I believe that this wls scares the hell out of him - will I be dissapointed AGAIN, will i be healthy, will their be mistakes when go under. He is a big strong man - but even he can not be sure of the out come - we are playing the odds - I am willing to bet on this eventhough nothing else has worked - I read all the success stories - he still has major doubts. I know he loves me no matter what - and I know I don't love me being this big - it is not the me inside that I don't like - it is the me that i see in the mirror - the me that can't keep up on a family walk - the me that cant bend over with out having re flux ..... I cant wait to be able to keep up with my teenages on a walk, and keep up with my husband when we )(&*^*&^%R

[Carrie_C 9]

My husband was not supportive at all. He refused to talk to me about it for months. He was secretly hoping that ths insurance company would deny it. When I got the approval letter in the mail, I was very excited, but he wasn't. He thinks it is unnatural to have the band. He is a little better now, but I really get no support from him at all. He still thinks I should be able to eat as much as before and he gets mad when I can't. He doesn't have a weight problem and never has. He has the opposite problem, he can't gain weight. He doesn't think I need to lose weight. He has never even commented on my weight loss even with it being as obvious as it is. But I do a lot for him, I always have. I finally decided it was time to do something for myself for a change, and that's what I did. It would be so nice to have more support from him, but since I don't get it from him, I spend a lot of time here.

[twirl 0]

does DH mean dear husband

[hasikoLA 1]

My husband is totally against it as well. Despite this I decided to go ahead with it and am now waiting for the insurance to okay everything. He used every excuse as to why I shouldn't have the band done. He mainly said since I had failed so many times before, what made me think I could succeed in this. He actually told the Dr. at my visit that he had faith in the band, just not in me. The mind games just don't stop with him. I'm doing this for myself, and I'm trying to find the strength to succeed for myself. Remember this is all for you, not him. He should have an opinion and know when to stop giving it and start supporting you instead. I just don't get spouses that try to control, they wont admit it... but thats what it is. Good luck. You will succeed.