female only I don't know what to do with my husband

[puddin 7]

So my husband and I have been swimming pretty consistently for about 6 months now. He was new to swimming when we first started and I wasn't all that great, either. But today when we swam, I went for a half mile without stopping and he went for 150 yards before he had to stop and rest. I was ecstatic that I could go that far! But he was in this terrible mood. On our way home you could tell he was VERY frustrated and was telling me how he was done swimming. He feels like he's only a fraction better than he was when we first started.

We're training for a triathlon in May. I keep telling him it was just an "off" day, but he's convinced he's hardly any better now than he was 6 months ago. I don't know what to do at this point. I feel like if I keep swimming it'll push us farther apart. Every time I do well he feels more like a failure. In some ways it makes me feel bad and like he feels like he should be better than I am at this. But the logical part of me just says he's frustrated with his own performance. I really don't know how to handle this or if I should even keep swimming...

[heartfire 4]

I'm not sure how to help you.

A lot of men are competitive by nature and maybe, without realizing it he's turned your swim time into a competition. Not saying that's right, just saying that could be what's happening.

For yourself, you need to keep swimming. Even if he gives it up. That is his choice and there isn't anything you can do about it. I'd still invite him to go with you, but I wouldn't push him about it. And maybe it's not something he really enjoys. At this point you don't really know what he's thinking and until/unless he tells you, it's all a guessing game.

If you two are having issues other than the swimming (the statement about this pushing you 2 further apart is what I'm referring too) then it might be a good idea to find a marriage counselor and get some things worked/talked out.

Best wishes to you! I love to swim. I wish I had access to a pool year-round!

[Carrie_C 9]

I love to swim too! I would love to do it all the time. You should continue to do it.

[puddin 7]

It's not that we're having marital problems. We have a great marriage! We are actually newlyweds, but I really don't want to continue to do something that may start to bring us apart. I know he is very competitive, and perhaps that's what it came down to... he doesn't like losing. We had a talk about it yesterday. I told him I was so excited to have done that, but I felt like his anger deflated all my enthusiasm for what I had just accomplished. I also told him that, because of his reaction, I was feeling like I couldn't swim again. He said he was very sorry for taking out his frustration on me. We'll continue to swim, I probably just won't share my "victories" with him in swimming. Maybe that'll keep the peace.

In the meantime, we may have to have a few more talks about him taking his frustration out on me. Seems to happen a bit more than I'd like it to. I think these are all part of things you learn when you first get married.

[maddy 0]

My husband completed a triatholon in 2003 and it was truly amazing, but he was very competitive w/his partner, to the point where they would train alone at times(few weeks). Were you swimming in reg pool or had you moved to a lake(mimic ocean) yet? DH partner HATED the swim, ad practiced as little as possible, but he was able to go on and complete triathalon, still pretty good time. Like I said, the wives werent involved, nor would I want to be, as the training was too brutal for me and very intense. We do fine as h/wife relationship(16years), but competition always leaves one of us feeling empty(loser).

Where is the tri? Ours was Panama City Beach FL.

What is your projected time? Ours was 12 hrs and complete 11:59. It was fun to watch and amazing to see what people can accomplish in one race!

Good Luck to the both of you and best wishes for a beautiful sunny tri day!

manda :thumbup:

[heartfire 4]

It's not that we're having marital problems. We have a great marriage! We are actually newlyweds, but I really don't want to continue to do something that may start to bring us apart. I know he is very competitive, and perhaps that's what it came down to... he doesn't like losing. We had a talk about it yesterday. I told him I was so excited to have done that, but I felt like his anger deflated all my enthusiasm for what I had just accomplished. I also told him that, because of his reaction, I was feeling like I couldn't swim again. He said he was very sorry for taking out his frustration on me. We'll continue to swim, I probably just won't share my "victories" with him in swimming. Maybe that'll keep the peace.

In the meantime, we may have to have a few more talks about him taking his frustration out on me. Seems to happen a bit more than I'd like it to. I think these are all part of things you learn when you first get married.

Oops! Sorry about that! Didn't want to assume there was anything wrong, just if there was, get help.

I'm glad you 2 had a talk about it. And being newly married, there's all kinds of things you'll learn that you never thought about!

DH does that to me sometimes and it drives me nuts. It's b/c we're close. He would never do that to friend but ...

I learned how to work on cars in HS and was REALLY good at it. Loved it too. DH and I can NOT work on a car together! He gets frustrated and I get the brunt of it. He won't do the same to a friend. So, I never get to work on cars anymore. Of course now our trucks are new enough that I can't but still. I miss it!

If you decide to later, it really IS okay to have something of your own that you do and enjoy. DH and I have been married for 21 yrs, together for 22. We do most everything together. He's a fireman so he's gone half the week at work so when he is home we try to do most everything together with our DD. BUT he has his soccer on Sunday afternoons and I have my Bunco game once a month and wls support group once a month.

Communication is the key. Never forget that! Doesn't mean you need to talk things to death but you need to be checking in with each other often and esp if it's something that's bothering one or the other of you.

Best wishes!!

[Jachut 487]

Hi Puddin!

I have EXACTLY the same problem. Not so much the moodiness but my DH professes to want to do a half marathon, he says he wants to run with me, he wants to do circuits with me.

But he's so fricken lazy! I hold myself back for him, put my own goals on hold so I can train with him, becuase he wont do it by himself, and then he pikes every night and ends up going for a sort of run/walk once a week. This has been going on for months now, he could easily have been running a solid 8km if he would only put the work in. We're very badly matched for this, he needs to stop coz he's puffing, he has a blister etc etc and this sort of thing I just have no patience or sympathy for, I did it, so anyone can. If I stopped every time it hurt a bit i never would have achieved anything. Mind you I didnt scream during childbirth either, i didnt even think it hurt that much, lol.

I've realised that he really isnt ever going to run with me. He's just never going to really be into fitness and exercise - he'll walk to stay out of the cardiac ward but he wont get super fit. So I make myself available to do what he wants to - walking mainly, and I'll lead him through a circuit when he wants to do that and hope for the best, maybe one day it will click. At least he's finally lost a good 20kg with his band. He's finally seeing that exercise can work.

And whilst i'm doing that, I continue to push myself further, harder and faster in my own time, I either get up early in the morning or do it during the day if I'm home to do so. I figure at his level, if I've already run in the morning, I'm easily fit enough to run/walk/stagger with him later in the evening. And like you say, I just dont really push my victories.

But there's race season coming up here and I am NOT missing out on all my races to walk them all with him. I draw the line there. I will walk a couple with him and others if he wants to do, we can start together and I'll meet him at the finish. It is utterly not fair for you or I to have to give up something we really enjoy to cater for fragile male egos.

Edited February 2, 2009 by Jachut

[ninner 0]

I'll interject mu opnion, Why do women always want to do stuff "together".I've been married for 14 years and one thing I've found is that absence makes the heart grow fonder. You do your thing let him do his and make sure that the time you spend together is quality time doing things you both like.

[heartfire 4]

You do your thing let him do his and make sure that the time you spend together is quality time doing things you both like.

I agree with you Niner.

DH is a fireman, when he's home for a really long vacation, it kinda gets tough. Tho a little easier now that we have a kid. He gets to take over more when he's home to give me a break. But when he's stuck on duty during the summer fire season, that sucks too! LOL! I can't make up my mind!

I don't know what I'm going to do when he retires in 13 yrs. Maybe I'll go back to work and he can play SAHD (stay at home dad)!!

[Nessa38 0]

Ok, I'm gonna put my 2 cents in. I just want to remind everyone I'm not saying "me" time is bad or anything like that I am just sharing my life experiences. Here it goes.

I've been married for 12 years and from day (1) I have been the laid back, go and do as you please wife. DH is a musician so he can always find something to do. After 12 years I sometimes resent him for taking advantage of all the spare time just to go do his thing and wonder why he NEVER wants to spend any of this time with me.

So, just be careful what you are willing to give up. With my husband I gave him an inch and he continues to take a mile...

[puddin 7]

I know I've only been married a few months, but so far I completely disagree with ninner. I suppose if that works for you, then great. But honestly, that's not how I roll. Both of us grew up in families where our parents did things as a family all of the time. Sure my dad went golfing on his own, his mom has her bunko group, I have my symphony practice, my husband has his church auxiliary meetings... all fine. But really, spending time together is a good thing! We both enjoy it. It seems like the divorces I hear of are because the couples grow apart and not together. So instead of finding things to do that DON'T involve my husband, I'm going to find fun things we can do together. That is quality time.

[aubrie 6]

Puddin,

Just an observation here. You say he's been training for 6 months. After six months, he swims 150 yards and needs to rest? Has he had a physical? There may be something else going on. If he's hasn't progressed, maybe there is a problem. Just a suggestion. I'm not a doctor. I noted your age, and assumed he was close in age to you as well. That would even further cause me pause. Of course I don't know that either.

[Jachut 487]

Oh, I dont know, swimming is just one of those things that if you cant get your rhythm and breathing right, you're going to continue to struggle. It might be just a matter of technique.

And some people are just naturally good swimmers. Also, I know that from training as a swimming teacher, some people, boys in particular are just sinkers, due to thier body composition. They will always struggle becuase not only do then need to move through the Water, the need to work to stay afloat.

Puddin, would he consider a few adult swimming lessons? it really might help him to get his rhythm and allow him to do what he's probably capable of doing.