Mean people

[workingsahm 0]

Hi, all...

I'm still in the early stages and haven't even been approved by insurance for surgery yet.

I have had most of my questions answered here and at a local support group, but I have one more...and I guess this is mostly directed at those who had had significant results post-surgery or have met their goal weight...or for those who are still in the same boat as me...I'd like to hear your opinion on this as well.

This might sound petty and I'm sorry if it does. I've always been overweight, but became obese, then morbidly obese only after having my children. I don't know if the realization of the following is an observation that is in my mind only or if it is reality. Maybe I have just grown up and realized the world isn't what I believed it to be.

Over the years, as my weight has gone up, I have noticed that peoples' attitudes toward me have changed. Of course, the people I have known all along still treat me the same but I have found that people I meet out in public or professionally have a different attitude toward me than the general population did ten years ago.

Is this just a coincidence? Has anyone seen this in their lives as well? After meeting significant weight loss goals, have you noticed people's attitudes toward you improving? I'm doing this for myself, but I am SOOO frustrated that people don't take me seriously professionally anymore. I used to be on top of my game and now I am treated like a total peon. I hope that in addition to my personal goals for myself, I can improve my public image. It's not a deciding factor, I'm just wondering if this is a real observation or if I'm just being oversensitive because of my insecurity.

Thanks,

Julie

[stevegoad 32]

There is no doubt, there is prejudice in the world.

Prejudice mean, literally, to pre-judge or to judge before knowing. That is why I hate people making the statement "you only have one chance to make a good first impression." It is literally opening the door for prejudice.

Fat people are prejudged as being lazy, slow, smelly, and often times unintelligent. So the fact that when I weighed over 400 pounds, I worked 3 jobs, started my own business, got a masters degee, and have a 140 IQ (not to mention showers daily) doesn't matter to some. Receiving awards for creating programs for people with special needs or having computer presentations to be nationally published doesn't matter. Having songs that I have written being noticed by international recording artists didn't matter. I was fat, so I was lazy, slow, smelly and not to bright.

But that said, that is how people are. We have all judged people wrongly because we haven't taken the time to know them... and certainly there are many who have been prejudged more harshly than we have just because of how they look, or act, or think.

So in the end, yes. We have had people act wrong. In my case, at one point I lost a career, and in such lost many people who I thought were friends who only heard half the story, all because 1 person was prejudice. I have also had many lesser slights.

But it doesn't matter. We should not let the stupidity of others stop us from being the best people we can be. It is not worth arguing with them.

As one comedian put it... beauty is fleeting, but stupid is forever.

[Mrs. Bubba 0]

Dear Workingsahm,

Unfortunately, your perceptions are correct as far as I can tell... Those people who know me, personally and professionally, treat me like a person and not like a blob... But strangers who gawk and point or make snide remards are all around.. I don't ever remember doing that to another human being, but have had it done to me inumberable times.... I've learned to shake it off... Interestingly, after a major weight loss I can feel those things stopping... I have never really paid attention to just what stage things start to change, but they do.. I'm now in the "accepted" stage again and glad of it..... but not for them... I could give a ____!!!!! I'm glad for me because I don't have to think about that anymore... I can just be myself... I can feel normal... That's a good thing to be normal after being abnormal so many years.. I've a long ways to go yet, but I'm so thankful for the good changes... So, you're in good company here, and we'll be thankful not to be one of those unsensitive people out there.. I pity them..... Best of luck to you on your journey!!!! Julie (Yup, I'm one, too)

[workingsahm 0]

Thank you for validating. It's really something that I'll have to admit I was oblivious to until the past couple of years. I've never been one of the "mean people" so I thought everyone pretty much accepted people as they were.

I work at a very liberal university and I am STUNNED at the treatment I get from so-called educated and Enlightened people.

[Landodixy 0]

Hi.

I know exactly what you're talking about! I was banded 11/5/08 and have since lost 56 lbs. I still have about 60+ lbs to go but I DO notice that people treat me differently. I had read on the ObesityHelp website where someone commented that we often don't realize it, but WE change as we lose weight. I never really thought so but I'm beginning to understand what they meant. When I weighed 267 lbs, my feet hurt, my back hurt, and I was tired all the time. Now, I FEEL GOOD! So, yes, that has made a significant impact on how I project myself. Even though I'm the same person, because I feel good, I SMILE more, I LAUGH more, I want to be more ACTIVE and enjoy being around people more. So, yes, I do now understand why people are now treating me differently. It's more pleasant being around someone when they feel good than someone who doesn't feel good and hurts all the time. I think there's an energy that exudes from you when you're feeling good. I've often heard that one of the best things you can do is to distance yourself from people that bring you down. When we don't feel good I think it shows and we probably don't exude the best energy. When we are optimistic and feel good people seem to want to be around us more. Funny thing is, I don't think people are treating me good because I really look all that great, after all, I am 211 lbs, but to me, I feel great so I'm probably projecting as if I were 150 lbs! (Hope all that babbling made a little sense!)

[Nooshie 0]

I agree with you. Those that have taken time to get to know me, are fine with me. But the other day, I was standing on a corner in downtown L.A. waiting for the light to turn, and some guy just came up to me and said, "You're really not doing anything to help the obesity epidemic!" Now what was that about? I was so taken aback by his comment....I just said, "excuse me?" because he caught me off guard. And he just walked away. The light changed and my bus came and that was that. But it made me really think about it. To me, I'm so much more than my body, but I guess to those that don't know me...they see only that. But so what? What gives him the right to be mean? Nothing. There was nothing I could do but to pray for him...that God give him compassion and have mercy on him. ::Shrug::

[purpletina79 0]

I completely agree! I've lost 69 pounds to date and am amazed at how differently people treat, even talk to me. I've worked at the same bank since before my surgery. I see most of the customers on a weekly basis. It amazes me how they act differently towards me now than they did before. Even my coworkers have noticed. I've had customers say to me "I thought you were attractive before but just never said anything." Yeah, so now that I"m smaller you say something! Give me a break! I do also agree that I see things differently and project myself differently. My boss said it best, "You're happier with yourself and it shows in your attitude." People have also commented that it was the easy way out. I tell them that it is in now way easy!

[HarleyGirl 1]

I think people do treat me differently to an extent.....but I wonder how much of that is because I project myself differently now that I am more self-confident.

I was never a wilting violet, but any means, but I do feel better about myself now and I'm sure that's projected in how I interact with people.

[kiz 1]

Several years ago, I saw a very interesting study. They took people (one at time) and applied makeup to them that make it appear they had a jagged red scar on their face. They told them they they were to go to pre-arranged interviews, and rate how the interviewer treated them. (The interviewers only knew that they were to conduct a mock interview and also weren't aware of the actual purpose of the study). Just before they went into the room for the interview, the makeup artist told them that a touch up was needed. They were not aware that the ruse was on them, and that the makeup was removed.

Each person said that the interviewer stared at their "nonexistent scar", couldn't concentrate on the questions, was put off by the scar, etc.

I do know that there is prejudice against obese people, but I've always found this study to be very interesting.

Personally, I don't know that I've been treated differently whether obese or thin, but I don't believe that there's been a difference. By the time I put on weight, I was in mom mode. As far as know, if I've received poor service, it was due to some other factor than my weight. I've always had a lot of self confidence, so maybe that's part of the equation too. I've never felt less a person, or that I deserved less due to being overweight.

[workingsahm 0]

I posted the question for just this reason...I wasn't sure what I was noticing was real, and I guess there are so many different ways to look at it.

At first it perplexed me because I have always been a very confident person. I couldn't really put my finger on it, but it seemed like over time I met with much more resistance than in the past. Then it just started becoming more clear that this all has happened gradually over time and there seems to be a correlation between the weight gain and the poor attitudes I am noticing.:thumbup:

[kgloverii 0]

Ok, I'm going to put it ALL out there, cause DH and I just had this discussion, and so did my mom and I...

YES. You ARE treated differently because you're overweight. There is a TON if science to back it up. The science says that even women who are 15-20 pounds overweight start to be perceived differently by others. So, that being said, I'm going to give you MY personal story...

I have ALWAYS been a super happy friendly jovial fat person. And when I heard those studies, I thought, "I am the exception to that rule. My personality makes up for my fatness, and people LOVE me." And people DO love me. I am always enthusiastic, smiling, outgoing, and bubbly. I'm like Penny from Hairspray, the typical fat, happy girl. My husband watches that movie and is like "Katy! It is YOU" and I admit, it is me. I never felt held back career-wise because I always interviewed well, and mostly always got the job. I never thought there was something wrong with me love-wise, I just considered myself a late bloomer. I had good looking boyfriends, and I landed myself a REALLY FINE husband. A husband that is a dream come true for a woman, and he saw beyond my weight, what I had, and it was my personality...

And then I had my band. And once I got down to a size 10, I started noticing little things. Like people opening doors for me more, people initiating conversation more, coworkers who now invited me to go to the bar. And then I realized, in my own sunshiney Penny from Hairspray kind of way, I never noticed I was never invited to the bar with the people I work with at ANY job. They all went, but I never did. I had chalked it up to me being married, me having kids, etc. But looking back, a lot of those people were married, with kids... But they WEREN'T fat. I am now a size 6. There is even a difference in the way you are treated between a 10 and a 6. Now people WANT to be my friend. They gush on me. I mean, I am the SAME person, the same Penny from Hairspray I was... even my husband says I carry myself NO different. But NOW, I am not fat. I'm 'skinny' and 'tiny' as others have described me. I still don't see that so much but that is the way I am perceived. The way I carry my weight, is actually good because I look a good 20 pounds thinner than I even am. This is according to people of the medical community. Even my band doc RECALIBRATED HIS scale because he didn't think I was 140. He was like "You're 120, max."

It is a VERY sad thing. But as Steve said, WE ALL prejudge. I mean, even ME, who has been through it all, will look at a fat person and think for a split second, "Should you REALLY be eating that?" and then I dial it back and am ASHAMED for thinking like 'everyone else.' And EVERYONE ELSE includes the overweight people. I think overweight people can even be MORE critical of their peers. I've noticed overweight people showering me with friendliness. I wonder why. Maybe its cause I'm thin so I am "in control?" A lot of overweight people look at others who are bigger than themselves and think, "Well at least I have more control than THEM. I didn't let myself get to XXX pounds." But we ALL must realize, in a majority of cases, weight doesn't have to do with CONTROL. Our bodies have ULTIMATE control over our weight and if we try to lose it, our bodies GO NUTS HORMONALLY so that we put it back on!

So, I ranted a bit, but I wanted to put it all out there. YOU WILL SEE A DIFFERENCE. But I don't look at anyone and think "Are you just being nice cause I am skinny?" I just chalk it up to the world being a nicer place. :thumbup:

Edited February 1, 2009 by kgloverii

[Jachut 487]

Well, yeah, but there's a lot of judgement about anyone based on how they look - I've actually had more blatant judgement and hositility directed towards me since I lost weight since now I'm quite thin compared to most of my peers - 40ish, mothers of several, coming off the back of a few years of hard work in the home with young children - are not really that nice to people who they feel have come through it without dropping their bundle, looks and weight wise. They dont know how hard I've worked, so it doesnt bother me, but I tell you what, I really truly wouldnt want to be stunningly beautiful, it would be a hell of a life to lead. Open hostility for what they perceive you have and they dont.

Alternatively jsuts be really glad you're only fat and can do something about it and not hideously ugly! Because there's plenty of groups of people treated really badly who can do absolutely nothing about it.

But you know, I think you change as a person with weight loss - and what you perceive as people suddenly being nicer to you coz you're not so fat, is probably really because you're happier, more positive and more open. There's so many people on here that have just the worst, most defeatist attitudes but you see that over time, they DO change.

I think I started out looking pretty "normal" fat. Not unusual, looking like mostly everyone else, so I've never encountered being a public spectacle. But really, if people dont stare or treat you badly, its just as bad to know that really they're thinking "arent I good, I'm not staring at the fat person or treating them like a moron" becuase they're being PC isnt it? How awful, like being severely disabled or disfigured and noticing all those carefully averted eyes.

Best solution is to just lose the weight and realise that it'll never change. Maybe you'll get your own back when someone suddenly treats you nicely once you fit into their version of acceptable, you can snub them!

[workingsahm 0]

Heheheh...Jacqui, that's just what I plan to do! I want to come up with some way to document it so that I have something tangible to compare things to as I progress. Maybe I'll write a book! I'd at least like to have the opportunity to call some of my "enlightened" colleagues out on the carpet!:thumbup:

[plain 12]

I work at a very liberal university and I am STUNNED at the treatment I get from so-called educated and Enlightened people.

I realize that this in itself is a generalization, but I have found that the more staunchly liberal somebody is, the more that they think they are "better" than the general public.

[workingsahm 0]

That is true... I will say this, though...the younger students 25 and younger are very sweet and don't seem the least bit judgmental. I see it more in the grad students and the people who work at the university. Hopefully that is something to be encouraged by.