What to tell the kids?

[Nessie 0]

I am 10 days from my surgery, and on my pre-op diet. My daughters, 2 preteens and one young teen, have already noticed Mommy is not eating ( I am on the liquid preop diet), and of course they are curious about what I am doing. They are regular girls, and completely inundated with the same media messages that we all see daily. They know about diets, they know how everyone treated Britney when she was a little curvy, and how she is "back on top" now that she is skinny again. They worry about what size jeans they are wearing, and if they look "fat" in their swimsuits. I have tried to always stress health over specific size or weight, but they hear what I say, and then of course, they see all the messages from everywhere around them.

I understand that what I am doing is an important life change for me. I have considered this surgery very carefully and I am most looking forward to the improvements in my health and in what activities I will be able to join in on with my kids. That said, I also know that if I tell my daughters, two of whom have inherited my genetic shape and are already curvy-beautifully fit and healthy-but more Beyonce than model-thin, I run the risk of setting up and reinforcing all kind of body image issues and questions with them that they just do not need. I have struggled mightily, even when on one of my ridiculous diets, to stress to them that life is about healthy eating, not dieting and starving yourself, that some people are naturally skinny, others more rounded, all in an effort to try and avoid transferring my weight issues onto them. I feel that if I tell them I am getting banded in order to lose weight, that to them, I will look like a very big hypocrite!

How have you all handled this? Thanks for the input.

[HeatherO 7]

It is up to you to tell or not to tell based on your own family dynamics.

If you tell, I am sure that they would support you if you are trying to get healthy using the band as a "tool" to help you achieve your goals. If you don't want people knowing outside of your immediate family, you would have to express this to them clearly. I would definitely stress the health factors rather than vanity so they understand why you are doing this.

If you don't tell, you can always say you are working with your doctor on a special diet to help lose weight. It is the same thing as before - the only difference being whether you explain that you have a tool to assist in your efforts.

The other thing to consider is that they may help to be your cheerleaders if they know what is going on which might be helpful.

Also, if you choose not to tell, there are going to be things that they will notice and see that will raise questions. Being daughters, what are the chances that they will notice your surgical scars if you change your top or something around them. They will also notice if you get sick after eating something . . . this is not so easy to hide but should not happen often at all if you are careful. Is there more harm in not telling them up front if they could learn about it later?

[rulooknatme 0]

I would approach it from the point of view that it's soley for your health. Don't tell them it's so that you can get skinny. Tell them you want to do it for health reasons. This will then leave room for you to say that one of the benefits is that you will lose weight. Hopefully if you approach it from that point of view they will understand. Just be careful to always remember that you reinforce that you are doing it so that you can be healthy. With being healthy comes the benefits of losing weight! YAY!:cursing: I hope that helps!

[WorkingMom 0]

I will be interested to follow your thread - I unfortunately have no wisdom to share. My boys, ( 6 yrs old) didn't notice until the night before surgery that I wasn't eatting dinner ( I had done 2 weeks of liquid, but they didn't notice until the last shake).

I think you are wise not to share the truth about the band with them at this time. Wondering if you can say you are having your gall bladder out and your dr. wants you to lose weight first and by doing liquids for 2 weeks it will help?

Not sure.

Good luck!

[crzytchr 3]

I think you are wise not to share the truth about the band with them at this time. Wondering if you can say you are having your gall bladder out and your dr. wants you to lose weight first and by doing liquids for 2 weeks it will help?

I probably wouldn't use the gallbladder. Choose a different body part. The chances of you actually NEEDING gallbladder surgery increase as you lose weight. You don't want to get caught in a lie when you need to have your gallbladder taken out a second time!:cursing:

I just don't know how you will be able to keep it from them. If you don't tell them and they find out later, they will feel betrayed. You don't want a teenage throwing the "I can't trust you" card in your face.

Honestly, I would probably tell them the truth if you have health issues that are caused by you weight. If you want to focus on leading to a healthy lifestyle, explain that years of yo-yo dieting have wrecked your metabolism and you need a tool to help you begin a healthier way of eating. Keep healthy foods in the house. It isn't about dieting, it is about being healthy. They will benefit as well.

[kgloverii 0]

My daughters were very very young when I had my surgery, 4 and 2. We DID decide to tell them... I explained in simple terms that 'Mommy was having a rubber band in my tummy because she's hungry all the time and doesn't want to be hungry like that anymore.' They got it. My now 6 year old will occasionally mention my rubber band, and remembers 'when mommy was fat.' BUT she knows I was overweight because I was hungry all of the time. For our kids, it has (I hope!) reinforced to them that overweight people are not 'lazy' or 'out of control' but it is a health issue... My daughter pointed to a large lady in a store one time and whispered to me, "Mommy, do you remember when you used to look like that? You're much healthier now." And I am. :cursing:

They also have stated that Mommy isn't tired all of the time, and got the surgery so she could 'run and play with us.' So true. And that has manifested itself many times.

[Nessie 0]

Thanks for all of the thoughtful feedback to my question. I think I already knew I will need to be honest with them. I will continue to stress the health aspects of weight maintenance and good food choices, and I will also discuss the activity and energy level changes we can look forward to as I begin to lose weight.

Last year we went to Universal Studios, and not only were the seats on some of the rides more challenging than they should have been, but I certainly did not have the energy I should have had walking around the Park. I think they will be excited to plan another trip to Orlando for the summer, with a smaller and more energetic Mom! I might make that our "family" reward...goodness, I might even be able to put on a modest little "Mom-suit" by then and actually get into the beautiful hotel pool, instead of sitting all hot and sweaty at the side! My poor girls probably do not even remember my ever swimming with them, it has been so long!

Thanks again for all the great input.

[TQUAD64 9]

Nessie: All I can say, is three-teenage daughters. Girl, you have your hands full. You must have the patience of a Saint!

Raising three daughters in the world today is no easy task. The images projected at young girls has created a hostile environment for girls and women. To fat, to thin, not this, not that. It is just to much pressure.

You know your girls best. You know what they should hear and see. Only you can really decide what is best for them; whether or not they need to know about your health and medical care. What I told or did not tell my kids will really never help you with your decision.

Best of luck on your journey and raising your daughters.

[susan1961 0]

I have 3 teenagers and I told them all.

I really stressed the health angle- that what finally motivated me was not all vanity, but that my blood pressure and cholesterol were creeping up. I also emphasized the quality of life angle- that I found myself less willing or able to do physical things I used to enjoy because of the extra weight, and was looking forward to returning to skiing, scuba diving, etc. Finally, I did try to make it something of a teaching moment, in that I took responsibility and said that the bad eating habits I had acquired and sustained had contributed, and that's why I wanted them to have healthier habits.

Good luck, Nessie, with your band and your daughters!

[Nessie 0]

Thanks so much for the kind words of support. I feel exactly the same about the activities. I can't wait to go riding again, to swim with speed, to play tennis! I used to love doing all these things. My weight has held me back from doing so many things that I have wanted to do. Often, instead of saying that I was unable to keep up, or felt uncomfortable participating, I would simply say "I don't feel like it", or "I am staying in tonight".

I have earned a reputation as a bit of a hermit in my family from all the times I have stayed behind at home when they all go off to do something fun, but perhaps akward/uncomfortable for a morbidly obese person. It is so not who I really I am... I think my kids might get a bit of a shock when they see what a little social and active butterfly I can be! tee hee