DH wants me to cancel surgery 2/3/09 HELP

[heather1434 0]

Hello. I am scheduled to be banded on 2/3 and my husband says to me today that he wants to talk to me about the surgery. He wants me to cancel. He wants me to give dieting another try first. He has been doing research and is nervous about the Hair loss, gallbladder, PB, etc.

So that you can understand where his concerns stem from I have had 2 surgeries before and did not do very well. I have a hard time with being put out and infection and wound healing. (not weight loss surgeries)

I am scheduled for 2/3 and REALLY want to go thru with it, but am torn, do I make a deal with him and delay 3 months or go against his request and go forward. How do I convince him I will be ok.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

[tdteach99 0]

Oh my! You sound just like me. My surgery is scheduled for 2/2. Yesterday, after three days of him being completely miserable, he finally confesses that he doesn't want me to go through with it.

I have had two c-sections, both of which had problems. He is freaking out. I just told him that I would be find, and asked him if he would rather have a couple hours of worry or a couple of decades without me because my other health issues would probably kill me.

We talked and talked. Now I am freaked a little bit. But I am still going to do it. I can't wait.

[favorite 3]

i had 2 c sections also. they are miserable to heal from compared to the band. my girlfriend was getting a band after i did. i called her from the recovery room table to tell her not to worry that it was no worse than a trip to the dentist. and i really mean that. as long as you have a good surgeon with plenty of experience i would tell your husband not to worry. and go ahead with the surgery. my husband was also nervous. but it wasnt about him it was about me. i just could not stand all the discomforts of my obesity any longer. i mean doing anything was such a chore i just couldnt stay that way.

[mindyemt08 0]

It would help if you could clarify your previous complications. Were they life-threatening or likely to occur again? If so, then he has legitimate concerns. Has he been to the doctor with you and discussed it with him? Im assuming your doc thinks the benefits outweigh the risks or he would have denied you as a patient. I do think it is important to establish wether or not your husband's concerns are reasonable or not. And why he would wait until 2 weeks before surgery to ask you to cancel has got to be just heartbreaking for you to hear.

In my humble opinion, it sounds to me like he has researched all of the negative things about the band. If you want to convince him you will "most likely" be just fine, I would just research the opposing argument. For instance, I believe the Hair loss side-effect occurs mostly with bypass patients. You absorb all of your caloric intake as a bandster, you just eat less. Most of us take a Multi-Vitamin to supplement as well. PB'ing is something that most bandsters master with experience. It can be painful but usually resolves pretty quickly and is usually is our own fault such as drinking with meals, big bites or not chewing well. Of course if you are too tight it can happen more often but you will usually know within a few days and get a little Fluid taken out. And so on, and so on.

As for the "wait three months" request. Not any of those 3 things are likely to change. Your complication percentage will neither go up nor down. You will most likely not be successful in losing and keeping off weight, AND all of the side effects of being a bandster will still be there.

I think the conversation you should have is wether or not you should have the surgery at all. Not wether you should have it 2/3/09 or 5/3/09. I truly hope this helps you in some way. I wouldn't give mine back even if I was offered a 200% refund. And please don't leave me hanging. Let me know how it goes. GOOD LUCK!

[PDG777 0]

I must agree with last post... I was banded in august 2008, I have followed the rules, even doing the Optifast diet for 6 weeks not just 4 weeks, to ensure my liver was as 'fat less' as possible. I have worked with the rules, take a dissolvable mulvitamin each day, drink plenty of Water in between.. 1 bottle of water with the multivitamin included, I have not had any problems at all... no food stuck, no pbing. Certainly had wind discomfort at the beginning, and port pain.. but that was caused simply because of the rolls of fat round my midriff pulling a bit on the operation site.. I would not hand mine back.. there was no way that any diet I went on could help - and I did stick to them! A few people I told before the op were wary and a couple just said it was too radical.. but talk to those people now.. when they see the difference in me and how happy I am with the weight loss so far (still a way to go) . and never to come back... Wow! It was exciting and yes, a bit frightening at the time, but I would not change it for the world. I am on a plateau at the moment, but my body shape is changing (for the better) I really believe if you follow the rules, and follow what a lot of bandsters have found out on this site... you have all the help at hand and can't really go wrong.. ... I wish you luck and hope you can work things out... as someone on this site said... when you are sick and tired of being sick and tired - well you just go for it. I have been healthier and better in myself to such a degree that it is hard to explain.... Good Luck..

[RestlessMonkey 7]

Losing weight, age, many factors can cause you to lose your gallbladder. It's no big deal! hair loss...again, it doesn't happen to everyone but when it does, it's no big deal. I lost mine for a while but never needed a wig etc and now it's growing back. (and I didn't have TONS of thick hair to begin with). PB? Some do, some don't. I haven't yet and I'm 6 month's post op.

Sounds to me like your husband is reading the negatives and ignoring the positives. Plus he's putting pressure on you to "diet" again. If that worked, more people would be thin.

There are several good boods about lap banding that he could read, or if possible, take him with you to a seminar held by your surgeon. The doc, with statistics and "real stories", can set his mind at ease.

I'm a FIRM believe in autonomy but when my husband was against it, I had to listen. First, we're a team. If it went south, he'd have "part" of that. Second, he's an RN and has some true horror stories about bypass patients. I told him "bypass is different" but it was the seminar with my surgeon (and my surgeon's many many answers to my husbands questions) that got him on board with it.

I think knowledge is the best defense against fear.

I just wanted to add, if you're 185 pounds overweight....that your husband may decide not to "support" you in this and get you to cancel.

But what will he do when you have developed some of the terrible co-morbidities of obesity? What will he do when you're older and need cardiac surgery? Or if you lose a limb (or an eye) to diabetes? What if your kidneys go, will he tell you he's scared of dialysis? Because obesity IS a disease. We (most of us!) don't CHOOSE to be fat. We don't think "Man I'm only 5'5" and I want to weigh over 400 pounds; won't that be fun?"(that's me by the way, I started out this journey at 405) If we could "fix" it, we would. So I finally figured I could face weight loss surgery now or something scarier and worse on down the road. When I looked at it like that, it was easy to see which one to pick.

Edited January 19, 2009 by RestlessMonkey

[JuneAct2 0]

Heather,

My heart goes out to you. I cannot imagine my husband not being supportive of my band choice. It has been the greatest thing I could have done.

That being said, my husband did say that he could see himself being jealous after I lose the weight. He went through a short spell of worrying that I would "ditch" him after I got "all skinny and sexy again". It's possible that your husband has a few secret worries of his own.

I am a little over 2 months out and I've only lost 25 lbs, but it has already made a tremendous change in our relationship. I am able to get out and do more and we are starting to really have fun again. Make sure to reassure him of his importance in your life and let him know you'll be there.

As for the side effects you mentioned, I have had NONE of these. I have not lost a single hair due to my band, have not PB'd a single time (I chew my food extremely well), and my gallbladder is rocking along just fine. The worst thing I had was shoulder pain from the gas lodged against my diaphram after surgery (downward facing dog helps this). I have 4 small scars less than 1/2", and one less than 2" across my belly halfway between my breasts and my navel. All have completely healed to thin pink lines that fade more each day.

Show these posts to your husband, talk about them, and listen to what he is really saying.

Putting it off won't change the risks involved. And, yes all surgery carries risks. I have had several surgeries involving different parts of my body and this was by far the easiest recovery I have ever had. I wish you all the best.

[mountainmomma 0]

WOW! I have to agree with these posts, I am only 3 weeks out from my surgery, yes I had the shoulder pain from the air during surgery but it did go away, as for the Husband...

Well mine encouraged me since he knew diets are not for me. I lost about 20 lbs in the 2 weeks pre surgery diet and a couple more since, the surgery was a breeze,:thumbup: I would take your Hubby with you to an appt so he can ask all the questions he wants and maybe it will help him be a little more comfortable with it.

I did have a friend who forewarned me about the jealousy after weight loss, someone I went to High school with who is 6 years out on a Bypass, told me all kinds of things I never would have even thought about. But Jealousy is one of them, Your health is the most important thing there is! Good Luck, I hope you get what you want, it will be worth it.

[heather1434 0]

I would just like to say Thank you to everyone who replied to my plea for help. I greatly appreciate it. I am going forward with my surgery.

I offered the 3 month wait in hopes that I could convince him in time, but I think him seeing how committed I am to this has made all the difference.

We had a VERY long talk and I showed him alot of what you all had to say. I reminded him of the visit to the surgeon and the support group meetings that he attended with me and how alot of his concerns were addressed at those meetings. It is not a matter of jealously for him, he is just genuinely fearful that something will go wrong again. I actually said to him what tdteach99 said a "couple of hours of worry or a couple of decades without me because of what would happen to me later in life if I stay this way" and for him it clicked. A light bulb went off. SO he is still WORRIED, but he is on board.

SO again Thank You All SO Much. Two weeks from Today!

[stevegoad 32]

I'm going to take another stance (playing devil's advocate, if you will).

I will say beyond any doubt that it is wonderful that your husband loves you enough to be concerned. It is clear that he loves you, fat or thin, and only wants what's best for you.

That said, going into this surgery is not simply a "me" thing... if you go through it, he does too. I know well that the only thing that is making mine work, and indeed, ,making me want to have it work, is that my wife is supporting me in this event. If she were not with me supporting my decision, it would just be a self-imposed hell. I would not want to do anything, even if it was for my good, if it meant giving her grief... because in the end, my life with her is not worth that sort of risk.

So I would say take the words you get here. Show him that hair loss, surgery recovery time, etc, are not certain... but before your surgery day, try to get him on board.

[Minxz 0]

Has your husband spoken of his concerns to the surgeon? Can you take him to a Lapband support group? If he is really concerned perhaps more information can help ease his fears!

[Eartha 0]

I'm new here too, but will say this:

You need to ask or find out if DH

doesn't want you to change? It may

be that he is scared that once you lose

all the weight that you will be a different yoy.

This is possible, you get the weight off and start feeling and looking better, you find

confidence and that can be scary for DH to

deal with. He may not want you to change.

Just my 2 cents. May or may not be so in

his case.

M

[IURN62 0]

Heather, it appears to me that your husband might have been looking at the gastric bypass instead of the banding. I do not think you have the same issues with the band as in the bypass. The bypass you lose essential nutrients and Vitamins that are needed for hair and essentially every function. The band should not do that.

Hope this helps

[SoonToBeTheRealMe 0]

It sounds like your husband, while researching complications, might of stumbled on the stats of divorce rate after weight loss surgery. Maybe he is feeling insecure, and just neds some re-assurance from you. These issues were possibilites when you first decided to have the surgery, why is he bring them up now when you can almost taste the sucess of banding?

I personal know over 15 people that have had either bypass or the band, and the sad thing is over half of them are not with the same person they were with when they started the journey. But the ones that are, all preach communication is key...especially if you are someone who has always put everyone elses needs and wants before your own . Because getting banded puts you first. Maybe your husband is worried how the dynamics of your relationship will work after being banded. Or maybe I am way off base and he is just worried about the complications, but his timing sucks! Either way you two need to be a united front, I hope he jumps on board and helps you down this life altering path. Plus remind him no diet in the past has worked, this way you would already be 3 months skinnier and healthier!