How to act around other banders?

[bigpapa2 0]

I am so upset! and dont know if i was a good friend to my fellow bandsters this weekend. I went to my son's basketball tournment this weekend and was being a good bandster with my Water w/crystal lite and many different good Snacks that i could eat during the day. As the day went on there where a few people with donuts and other items that i was unable to have. A very nice lady offered me some great looking buckeye balls which are peanutbutter balls dipped in chocolate. My friend blocked me and said sorry he cant have them he had the same surgery that you had in March. Right than the lady said she had only lost a few lbs and wasnt sure why. I felt real bad because I didnt sit down and talk to her on why she was probually not losing the weight. I felt ashamed to tell her how much I had lost because I didnt want to upset her. Should I had said something to her? Was I a coward for not trying to help her. By the way as the day went on, I met 3 more people with the band or bipass surgery that had been having problems with their weight lose progress. Man there are bandsters all over the place in my area. I did invite one of the people to my support group. All of the other banders where band fewer than a year and were still very much over weight. They where all eating very badly! I am very worried about myself now. Was I right to just shut my mouth and just worry about myself or should I have tried to help?

[Mimilou2004 13]

Hard question to answer. I personally think your choice was the right one, you were in public in a social situation. It is very likely these ppl know exactly what they are doing and would not have welcomed any input that they didn't ask for. Keep up the good work.

Mimi

[RestlessMonkey 7]

I figure if they wanted your help they'd ask you for it. Seriously, if someone just took it upon him/herself to tell me how to lose weight it would just make me madder than a hornet. It's dicey. Worry about yourself, do your thing. You can tell them you have the band. If asked tell them how much you've lost. Then they can say "HOW!" and you can help.

By the way, why on EARTH would her improper eating make YOU ashamed of what you've accomplished? That's goofy thinking, Bigpapa! You've done well for yourself and your family. Maybe admitting that would've helped her realize she could be farther along by now.

If you don't want to be "proud" of what you've done, at least own it. You've worked and lost. Being honest about that may help others.

[susan1961 0]

Bigpapa, you definitely did the right thing. You should be very proud of yourself and the discipline you've brought to your journey, which has led to your success.

They all were educated, and know what they should be doing, and are unwilling or unable to do it. Having that highlighted for them would only make them feel bad.

I think one could certainly say 'I've figured out how to work with my band and am happy it's working so well for me, I'm happy to help you if you ever want my help'... but that's about as far as it should go.

Congrats on your success, and on being such a thoughtful person that wants to help others.

[OH Juli 15]

Well there are a couple of things I see happening.

1. How do you council people who probably already know what you have to say?

2. What can you take away from the encounters?

Maybe there's more. Oh, yeah, beating yourself up for some "shoulds".

But 1. Every person who ate a donut/buckeye, bad for you food, made the choice to do that. There's not a thing you could have said or should have said that would have made a bit of difference. Maybe at that moment but they would have eaten the food later when you weren't looking. You would forever be labeled "holier than thou" and nobody likes to hang out with that person.

You can't be on a one person mission to convert the people who aren't ready. Or maybe you can, but that's a tricky role to play.

2. What can you take away from the encounter? Well there's nothing like a negative role model to make you want to keep your nose (plate) clean. Know that there is only one person that you can control and it's you. It's kind of limiting, but it's also liberating because you stop worrying about all those other people. What’s even more cool is if you muster some sympathy for them, like maybe they have an unknown situation which is causing them to behave like and idiot. (I use this for bad drivers in traffic, maybe the idiot is rushing to the hospital.)

Which then brings me to the shoulds. You can live a life of good examples. When folks ask how you're doing it, and they do, don't they? you can boast of your good choices.

Now if you are asking if you should eat poorly like these other people because they are eating badly and you are looking permission (which I don't think so, but it's funny to play that one out) don't give in to peer pressure. You are too old for that silliness.

[Sue Magoo 71]

Congratulations on your weight loss to date, and for handling your recent encounter the right way. Unless they've been banded without getting any education about being banded, then they're fooling themselves. Although, I've heard of some bandsters that let themselves have one day a week to "not worry" about what they eat. Maybe this is one of them and it was their day. I recommend that you keep up the good work, and know deep down that you're succeeding because you're doing the right thing. Some of those people might be rethinking their actions after seeing how successful you've been.

Keep up the good work! I think my surgeon's new slogan is "use it to lose it". Obvious that you've been doin' that.

You're going to have to come up with a new name soon BigPapa2.

Sue

[babbs3772 1]

I think you did fine, it is not up to us to be anyone's preacher, teacher or keeper - unless they ask and we are willing to be those things to them.

I have found in many parts of life that it just isn't up to me to understand everything and it isn't up to me to make sure everyone else understands everything

Congratulations on your weight loss, you are obviously working hard and taking good care of yourself!

Barbie

[twiggysmiff 0]

Restless Monkey: I just have to say...are you a therapist or something? It seems you are all about the phrase "own it". I've seen many responses where you have mentioned people owning their behaviors, etc. It just sounds like a very "therapy oriented" statement. (No offense meant here...I'm laughing in a teasing way and just find it amusing. )

[HeatherO 7]

I think you did the right thing as well. People know what they need to be doing . . . and if they need help or advice they will seek it out. If you would make a point about it being an inappropriate food, you might have just embarrassed this person.

I would have passed on the buckeye balls as well and just show by example that I am making the right decisions for me. It will become very evident in the coming months as you lose the weight that making the right decisions is making a difference.

[RestlessMonkey 7]

Restless Monkey: I just have to say...are you a therapist or something? It seems you are all about the phrase "own it". I've seen many responses where you have mentioned people owning their behaviors, etc. It just sounds like a very "therapy oriented" statement. (No offense meant here...I'm laughing in a teasing way and just find it amusing. )

Lord no! I'm a nursing student! LOL BUT I do believe in empowering people and in accepting responsiblity for our own behaviors and I'm sure that comes out. Not that we aren't human. To me, Bigpapa2 has NO reason to be ashamed because he lost weight and the lady he was speaking to had not. That's HER problem (assuming she even sees it that way!) So I'm telling him, if he doesn't want to be prideful, to still OWN that he has worked and lost! I meant it in a very positive way so I hope it came out that way! :cursing:

[TQUAD64 9]

Bigpapa. I learned a long time ago that you don't give advice unless someone specifically asks you for it. If they wanted to talk bariatric post care with you they would have.

[Jachut 487]

I think you did the right thing not saying anything.

They MAY have been eating badly, or they may simply have been having a less strict day too, you dont know and cant assume what they eat all the time.

Also, what you consider bad is not the same as what someone else considers bad. Most bandsters that dont lose weight dont lose it because they havent got the calorie levels right.

For instance, we dont do Protein first in Australia. We dont focus on Protein, we dont do low carb. I lost ALL my weight eating 1500 calories a day on a carb based diet. My bloods are all perfect, I'm as healthy as a horse and I have absolutely not trouble maintaining my loss. I lost to a BMI of 22. So whilst you (for example) might consider carbs "bad" it is patently obvious to me that you CAN lose weight on a carb based diet and that you DONT lose all your hair or fail to lose if you dont eat lots of protein.

As long as you do what works for YOU, that's all you need to concern yourself with. Lots and lots and lots of bandsters dont lose weight because they simply dont have the discipline and self control necessary to work it. There's no "lesson" or "lecture" that anyone can deliver about what to eat that will change that. Just be glad you're not one of them!

[tapshoes 2]

Bigpapa, you definitely did the right thing. You should be very proud of yourself and the discipline you've brought to your journey, which has led to your success.

They all were educated, and know what they should be doing, and are unwilling or unable to do it. Having that highlighted for them would only make them feel bad.

I think one could certainly say 'I've figured out how to work with my band and am happy it's working so well for me, I'm happy to help you if you ever want my help'... but that's about as far as it should go.

Congrats on your success, and on being such a thoughtful person that wants to help others.

EXACTLY!!!! And that is a great line, Susan. 'I've figured out how to work with my band and am happy it's working so well for me, I'm happy to help you if you ever want my help'