So Sick and Tired of This Battle

[Kara in Texas 8]

I absoulutly cannot believe you, I am sorry but I just cant read this post anymore. Wallow in your self pitty, but I can no longer stand to see people try and try to help you and you not allow it.

Did you ACTUALLY READ Jessica O's Profile... And you Actually Think your life is bad? Heh....

EDIT - This post is like a train wreck, you HAVE to look!

[Alexandra 55]

Jodie, one thing someone said earlier has stuck in my mind. If you eat very little now, why do you think getting banded will help you lose weight? Getting banded just makes people eat...very little. It's not necessarily effective in people who have other issues contributing to their weight besides overeating. Plus, it's a slow and labor-intensive way to lose that will not show results overnight. You seem to think it's going to solve all your problems, where the only problem it really can solve is limiting one's caloric intake. But you say you already do that, so what will being banded do for you?

You've got all your eggs in this one basket, and that's never a good idea. As much as I'm not a supporter of the RNY there are some people for whom it makes a lot of sense: those people who are suffering from health conditions that rapid weight loss will improve. Maybe you are one of those people? I'm only suggesting this because many insurance carriers who won't pay for the band will pay for bypass. If getting thin is your ONLY concern, that might be something to consider.

[FuelMan 2]

This all sounds so sad, and it also bringing up a lot of old memories for me. When I was in Middle School I was made fun of, big time and hung out with the losers, they where the only ones that would hang out with me. BUT....... as I got into high school, thing started to change. It was 1967 (I know really old times) and rebellion was in the air, there was also a lot of drugs in the air also. I turned to drugs, whatever it took. I was no longer the big fat kid, that everyone made fun of, but the big ass who always did more drugs then anyone else. This was out of fear of how others would see me, I wanted them to see my craziness and not my being fat (like they couldn't see). Then as the years passed I found out that the best defense was a good offence, I became mean and rude. This is not the person God has wanted me to be. But growing up in a family where it was not safe, and sexual abuse was rampage, I keep everyone at arms reach. It took a lot of years to get off the drugs & booze, but it turned out OK, I lived through it. BUT NOW, I have to face the first real demon I had, being too fat. It seems like I did all that to hide my weight, and cover it with other stuff. Now at 53 and not that good of health (because of the drug & booze) I am still fighting that demon, food. Well it's not really food it's what food brings, comfort & safty, two things it has taken me a life time to to come to grips with. I am afarid to be sexy, afarid to be cute, I am afarid someone will hurt me and take advantage of me. It seems silly now, but these feelings lie very deep for me, so as I work towards being more comfortable with Butch, and becomeing more comfortable with my looks. I have to be more open and not be so afarid to let people in. This LBT is great, a good way to get the crud out, and let things that have been caged up inside go, where it's safe. I have only been a member for a couple of days, and already it has made a big difference in how I am looking at thing, mostly food. I feel so good to have so many people really care, and who want to help. Listen to them, and reply to those who you might click with. Use the people here to sound off and say what's too scary to say any other place. Share your pain, and start to relay on a Higher Power to guide you in your life. God is Good, All the Time, Butch

[j_war06 0]

Fuelman, that is the kind of post I wanted to hear. Everyone has told me "you cant", just as much as I have said it. I said that about Jessica's story because of the fact that it is irrevelent because it is Gastric Bypass and totally invasive. Also, I never said my life was worse than anyone elses, as a matter of fact its pretty okay except for that fact that I have medical conditions that are deteriorating my body. Everything is linked to another in life, no one intetity is alone, there is always a cause and an effect. I guess you people havent read a lot of my other posts or you would realize that I have been sexually molested by people my age and maybe a year or two older and have a hard time attaching myself to anyone. I opened myself up to my ex-bf and he hurt me a lot, and it still hurts, what did I learn? Don't open yourself up to anyone. I am depressed paranoid in this sense. All I have heard is that the band doesnt fix these problems that I have. Then why are all of you giving advice to others who suffer from comorbidities telling them that they'll probably get approved with them and that their pain may subside.

I had the confidence that the band would help me, that it would help me not hurt anymore, but you all have ruined it now. You all have been more negative toward me than I have been to myself. Ya'll have not actually read my posts to pay attention to the details and have jumped on me and you havent been paying attention to the fact that you all want me to feel positively about myself, yet you want me to read a story about a lady who had a totally different procedure than I am having and expect me to feel sorry for her. She doesnt want you all to feel sorry for her, she wants you all to respect weight-loss surgery, and especially wants to advise bypass patients of the side-effects and possibilities of complications by providing her own experiences in diary form. You all have been quick to jump on me, yet you have told me cant, wont, dont, more than I have told myself. I will be skinny by the end of my senior year, and I will go to prom if I get skinny enough to wear the dress I want. I will not parade myself about in this "fat-suit" and try to act oblivious to the fact that I am a morbidly-obese, outcasted teenage girl. I will not try to over-do myself as far as crash dieting before the surgery because guess what? If you lose weight before the surgery your liver will enlarge even more than if you gain a pound or two, yes its the truth, I watched them do a full surgery a week ago and the surgeon pointed it out. Now I guess you all have something else to shoot down. Yes you all have great advice and are great to talk to, but sometimes (yes I do it too) if it is something you dont agree to or just cant see humanly possible then you jump on that person for feeling that way.(Once again I am not saying I dont do the same thing, because it is evident that I do.) I just dont have anyone that understands that I am alone, that the weight caused depression, which caused me to withdraw from my peers and society because all they did was laugh at me and shun me. My weight also sent me further into being a hermit by not allowing me to walk or participate in age appropriate activities. I am not afraid of death because it is inevitable, we all have to go sometime and by God I want to go skinny and I want to be healthier. I dont want to wait to get to heaven to be able to walk and run, I want to do it now. There is nothing wrong with wants, and I know, I am being selfish now right? HMMMM seems like there is a whole lot wrong with me to have nothing wrong with me.

[keri 0]

Jodie-

i don't have anything else to say- I was not putting you down- and I have read the posts on this thread- I wish you the best- please keep your negative statements about Asian-Americans and other members of this board to yourself.

Your negativity is toxic. The band will not change that for you.

[j_war06 0]

Its not a negative comment at all. I think that if someone has the audacity to tell me "only 240lbs" then I can say Ching-Chang-Chong okay? It is common term here, and I am not afraid of saying it mainly because I have a right to say whatever I like, just like you do. My negativity is not toxic. If it was then I would have done what you all have suggested. Drop out of school? I dont think so I dont know very many successful corporate attorneys who dropped out of high school. I dont know very many people who got scholarships when they took extra time to finish. I am a powerful and influential individual, and will become more powerful once I am skinny. I hope you people realize that I have not meant anything against anyone here. I was only seeking help and was criticized for being crazy and "only 240lbs."

[kathlnc 0]

Jodie,

Yep, you're right. Your life sucks. Your health sucks. Matter of fact, you've had more challenges in life than anyone else on this board. You win.

But I can promise you that you will never lose the weight and you will never be happy unless you change your stinkin' thinkin'. It will hold you back from living a rich, full life. You're very young, but the decision is yours. Either you decide to work for what you want and deserve, or else you kick back and accept whatever crumbs life hands to you.

I know you are depressed. I have been so depressed that I couldn't think of one happy thought. So, I decided that every day I was going to write down on my calendar just ONE thing that made me happy. One day it was a rainbow. One day it was that my coffee tasted good. One day it was a little kid smiling at me over his mother's shoulder with his little bald-headed gums. I wrote those things down, and I read over them day after day after day. I held onto them, because they were good, and because I felt bad. Gradually, (with medication) my depression lifted. I see happy and good things all over the place now. But I know that if I don't do MY JOB, I could end up right back where I was before.

Your choice, Jodie. Your life. We're here to support you, but you have obligations too. Invest in your own life and well-being. Don't settle.

Kathy

[j_war06 0]

Negative, Negative, Negative

[vinesqueen 2]

My niece did the running start so that she graduated High School and got her AA degree at the same time. I wish that had been an option for me. Of course, my son chose to not take advantage of that program. I think it is wonderful if you can do it.

Jodie, don't worry about your HS grades if you are doing something like the Running Start program. the college credit superceed the HS ones.

It might have served you better to start out by telling us that you were in a chair. That might have given us a better picture. Of course, it is a case of live and learn.

Alex is right, you might want to look at the other types of proceedures available. The Band is not for everyone, and if your really need to drop weight fast, well... Slow and Steady is by definition "not fast."

Usually when people think of breathing problems they are thinking of asthma or emphsema and not sleep apnea. I sure think of sleep apnea as a sleeping thing and not a breathing thing. Of course, before I had the band I was facing resperatory failure, so I think of breathing problems in different terms than most.

I hardly think that someone saying "only 240" takes much audacity, especially when some of us cannot quite imaging being that small. My husband started his journey at 600 pounds, and cannot imagine being 300 pounds. Some of us have difficulty grasping the whole "why would someone with a 'low' BMI under go something as drastic as WLS." I know I'm one of those people.

You can count me as someone you "know" got a scholarship after taking time. I'm 43, and I have a full ride scholarship. Tuition, books, room and board, stipend, supplies, and a laptop. I was almost 300 pounds when I returned to school.

But Jodie, honey, just because a phrase is accpetable where you live doesn't mean it is acceptable in other places. We do not have the right to hurt other people.

[kellymoos 4]

"The closest possible would be Houston"

Jodie, there are many dr's in Beaumont, and that is alot closer than Houston, if you really wanted to go get help, you could go to Beaumont!!

I am soo sorry that you are soo depressed. Please do not think that losing weight will automatically make the depression go away. Please find someone to talk regarding this depression.

Wishing you the best....

[ajack 0]

Jodie- I really wish you well. But what we are tryingto tell you is only you can change your life. Positive attitude is everything. People with terminal diseases have lived because of positive attitude. Try visualization. Think of yourself happy and thin. try books on tape for motivation or meditaition. Try the relaxation response. It is available on tape or book. Wake up every morning with a smile BECAUSE you woke up!!! When i said be happy you dont have breathing problems I meant really serious not to poo poo sleep apnea been there done that. got over it. I have MG and have trouble breathing alot just cause no cpap machine will help. but i just keep going. ONLY YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!

Have you heard of fight or flight ? you need a big dose of fight! i hope we have encouraged you and let you vent. Take care.

[FuelMan 2]

I can't think of anything sorrier then someone older then 40 or some times younger, telling some teenager....... Oh just buck, & most people are as happy as they make up there mind to be. Well, that is just a pile of....... donkey dust. I think they don't remember what it was like to be that age, growing up feeling unsafe & alone. Feeling like a leaf in the wind, and the mercy of others. And if your lucky enough to make it through pubirty, the fun has just begun. No I have to deal with all these hormones and feelings of wanting to be sexual and no one to explain it or to reley on to guide you through. I have worked with many teenagers, and they all seem a lot a like, they just want someone to talk to that won't judge them, and will hear there side. And to hold them close without becoming aroused. I don't think it's too much to ask....... a safe place to grow up???? Or a safe adult to hear them. HECK, I am 53 and I am still going through it, I don't want to be a grown up, and I shun responsabilty. Now I have 3 adult kids, and my little one (21 with a weight problem, she would kill me to hear me call her little) just graduated college with a 3.6 gpa, and is going for her masters. Now this is a maircal. Coming from a family that is all learning disabled & A.D.D. She is graced with this also, but has worked through it. I distrust cops and the goverment, I qustion everything, and have worked through a lot of stuff. This is my last hurddle, this weight. Hope I don't end up in a wheelchair before I lose the weight. Someone told me once, I was digging a grave with a fork !!!!!!!!! Man....that scared me senseless, so I went on a binge eating only food that I could eat with my hands etc. pizza, taco's, burrito's, donuts......... you get the Pic, right? Well, you can't scare me into losing weight, or guilt me into it, you also can't love me into losing weight. The only way to lose weight is to ask the help of a Higher Power. And then you turn your will and your life over to the care of that Higher Power. That along with this lap band, and some help from people who care, like on this web site and other places, even on the phone if you can't get out. I say this because I was there, I was the one with the gun in his mouth after losing 280 lbs, and being down to 235 lbs, girls hitting on me and, me scared out of my head. I was not ready to be there.

Jodie my girl, You Keep talking, and keep looking, keep asking, keep loving.

Butch

[j_war06 0]

thanks ya'll, this is what I was looking for. Understanding not necessarily advice (although I do take it sometimes). I do feel bad most of the time, and I dont feel like I have the hardest life because I know that Vinesqueen dealt with a lot growing up and I know that there is an underlying reason why we are all big. I have been through a little of a whole lot if that makes any sense. (explanation: no I havent had constant mental abuse or constant sexual abuse, but I have experienced it). I know that a lot of ya'lls goal weights are even higher than my current weight, and I know it is a big difference, but I dont want to be looked upon like I am healthy and just want to get the band to have the perfect body. I just want to be healthy, I have never just been healthy. I cant remember a time in my life that I wasnt sick. Also, thank Vinesqueen for your encouragement about college and getting scholarships, right now I am fighting with all I have to get them. The only problem is that I have missed so much highschool some colleges and organizations dont want to offer them to me because they dont know why I missed the class time, they just know that I missed it. I am just ready to say "I look hot" (not in a vain way, in a way that makes me feel good about myself). My goal mission (I know it is funny and little superficial) is to goto college and have lost almost 100lbs, then I want to finance myself a cute convertible sportscar when I reach goal weight. When I graduate college I am going to get breast implants (Not well endowed for a big girl) and then get with some guy that is about 15 years older than me to buy me whatever I want so I can pay my own way through law school. In a perfect world, hmmmm. LOL! I have been really crabby lately since I had to dump my bf to move on to bigger (literally) and better (literally) things lol. It just hurts so bad because he has always been my best friend and boyfriend, then he just went stupid and not to mention the fact that he has decided not to goto the college he wants to, but to live with his momma. I know some of you may have done that, but I know I couldnt spend the next 3 years with my parents. I will be an adult and have to learn to live on my own, plus I wanna party! Fuelman, I just love you lol, I know exactly what you went through in HS because I am doing it now, and I want to get a hold on it before it gets any worse. I just want people to understand and listen and empathize with what I am saying because I dont have anyone here that does. My parents and sister and well all my family grew up as smaller beings, althouth they are big now, they lived their younger lives as thin people. Mom gets mad anytime I say something about my weight or about any kind of issue I have and starts yelling at me, I dont really want to talk to my dad about these types of issues, my therapist understands, but all she wants to talk about is weight and family issues, she has yet to ask me about any of my other problems like social life, boyfriend, friends, and whatever. I am just ready to get out of this little town and go to college. Also, yes Kelly there are docs in Beaumont for stuff, but they are not covered by my insurance, I go to Lufkin for my problems but all they tell me is to get Lap-Band and lose weight. That is every doctors' solution to every problem when you are big "lose weight." I mean I dont even want to start school again because I know that everyone will ask about the surgery and tell me I need to lose weight and I could come to school because my knees wouldnt hurt and that I am just fat and lazy and dont want to go and its not fair that I dont have to go and everyone else does. I want to be able to go, I hate lying around this house ALL DAY everyday. It gets old and boring. I used to eat when I got bored, I think that is how I put on this weight, but now eating is boring too. I sit at the computer and read posts on here, check the news, and do college work to keep me entertained, but that gets old too. Just for once I want someone to call and say "hey there is a party tonight at so and sos, wanna come?" I am ready to get as far as possible away from my ex, I feel like I dont even know him anymore. I just want to start-over and be a new person. I am tired of being the Jodie I am, I want to be the one the guys want, but think they cant have because I am too fine, I want to be the girl that everything looks good on, I want to be the girl that guys want to dance with in the club, but respect enough not to try anything with them. I dont want to have a history at whatever college I goto, so I have chosen the one 400 miles from here, that is a good 8 hour trip, same amount of time it takes to get to Arkansas from here and its almost in Oklahoma so... I dont know what is going to go on in my life, I feel guilty for always being sick and my parents having to go into debt for my health, especially over something like weightloss surgery.

P.S. Welbutrin, Phentermine, Hydracodone, and Cyclobenzaprine are my friends that make the pain go away. No I dont take large masses of them, I take the correct dosages, that is just what they have me on to last right now. Not even to mention the Mobic and Trazadone and Orthoevra (I dont know why I am on this, I dont get any action) and my Urinary Tract medications that I have to be on almost full-time now because my kidneys are starting to get bad, I think its from taking too much medication.

[doublestarrgirl 0]

I will keep my fingers crossed for you. I hope that you talk about all these feelings with your therapist...and that it will help you on your journey. I dont think that when they suggested fro you to read Jessica's story they meant to compare the two. from what I grasped they just meant cheep up a little. She has several problems that were not related to being overweight. We have heard a update and hopefully she is still with us and most importantly with her son who CRIES fro his mommy to be here everyday. Not to look at the way you two have chose to want to loose weight.

Quote:If it was then I would have done what you all have suggested. Drop out of school? I dont think so I dont know very many successful corporate attorneys who dropped out of high school. I dont know very many people who got scholarships when they took extra time to finish.

I think they meant from starting college, not HS. To try and clear your mind and start fresh.

quote:I am a powerful and influential individual, and will become more powerful once I am skinny.

I hope that you succeed and grauate and become a great Lawyer. You can put your mind to anything and succeed. But just keep that in mind.

I am not meaning any of this negatively, I am really trying to keep in mind that you are 17 in HS and depressed.

One more thing, you say you do not each much. If you starve your body then you will NOT loose weight. Your bosy is going to hold on and scream for more sothat it will have energy. You have to eat normal meals or try atleast (I know that u take med's) but try and get the right amount of meals in. You will find that you will feel alot better and healthier. I am sure that your parents would not mind helping to prepare you meals and count the calories out for you. I know that ou want to be very independant..but they did create you and love you no matter what. So try and let them help. If you cannot do that then maybe buy prepackaged food from Walmart or soemthing like that. (thought I would throw in the prepackaged food since you are going to coll away from your family. I hope that you succeed, I really mean this. PLEASE DO NOT BASH ANYTHING THAT I HAVE SAID TO YOU, IF YOU DO NOT AGREE FIND A NICER WAY TO PUT IT. I HAVE DONET HE SAME FOR YOU (TRUST ME) MAYBE YOU CAN FIND A BUDDY HERE THAT YOU CAN TALK WITH WHEN YOU ARE FEELING BAD, OR BY PHONE SINCE THAT IS PROB EASIER FOR YOU. I would but already have my hands full with three kids, school fixing to start, kids activities and many other crazy things. Maybe a youth group would help??? Just a thought.

Ps. sorry fro any typos, my lil son is sitting with me. He s not feeling well at all, DARN that stomach virus going around here. Hopefully it does not pass thru the whole family, especially since school is fixing to start. lol.

[PRETTYPINKKITTY 0]

Hey Girl! I Can Understand That You're Depressed. I've Been There, Recently. I, Too Have Been Fighting With The Insurance Company, But I Have Hope. I Have Pseaudotumor Cerebri, I Could Go Blind And My Short Term Memory Sucks along with quite a few other co-morbidities. I Have 2 Small Boys, And I Love Them Very Much. I Do Not Want Them To Suffer For My Eating Habits. This board really is great for personal thoughts and venting it helps to get it all out! It helped my depression to think of my cousin. He is 3 and has leukemia, he was a happy rambunctious little boy last year, this year he can't even walk bc his legs hurt form the chemo. He is a baby, and he doesn't understand why this is happening to him. I look at his picture and realize that I need to be positive for myself as well as my family.

My DH is the best, he always says something positive. He knows I am a pessimist, but it makes me feel better when he does it! So here goes... I am very impressed by your academic accomplishments! You go girl! You have succeeded in that area so far, you will succeed in your weight loss!! I understand!! I also understand the phrase thing, i live in a very small town and I didn't realize that some of the phrases, words that I used could hurt someone's feeling. Live and learn! I guess it's the same as someone calling me fatty! Lots of luck!