Im depressed and its Christmas.

[LeslieR041906 1]

I was banded in June, so far, I have done great. I had 3 fills, and one unfill due to constant vomiting. Anything and everything I ate, would come up. So, the unfill, undid a lot of progress, I have made. I cant lose, and I cant stop eating. I feel like a failure. Measure my food? No. For one, I want to feel the restriction without starving myself. Measuring my food makes me feel like Im on a regular diet and after that Im hungry. So, I have officially plateaued. Or however you spell it. Im not moving, down the scale, I go up, and then I stay there, I take milk of magnesea just to relieve the weight, and then I go down. Maybe I have a problem with that. But, I wish that I never got the unfill. I go back on the 7th, for another fill. And I know hes only going to do a half cc. That may do the trick. I hope.

I dont know why they approved me for the band anyway. To be honest, with everyone, I have Bipolar Disorder, and its pretty bad. When Im depressed I eat, and I eat cause I see myself, and Im horrified at what I am. I dont like the way I look. I cant get motivated most of the time. I dont know what to do. I thought of doing the sleeve just to take the hunger away. Or maybe the gastric bypass or mini. Maybe just maybe this band isnt for me. What do I do now? I havent given it enough time to really work. It hasnt been a year since my surgery. But, Im Bipolar, and are we not supposed to go through psych evaluation prior to surgery. I was diagnosed at that point in time as Bipolar. Im just not happy. Not only with my weight but with everything in my life.

I know that this isnt the place to rant, but this too is my home for support. I also have another support group on healthboards. They are helping me.

My doc put me on a drug, called Abilify. The FDA here recently, called it and said, it was causing people diabetes. I crave sweets. Im on a different med now. But, maybe just maybe, something happened with my sugar levels with that drug? I dont know. I guess I have to go get tested. Maybe I have something, the band is supposed to help cure. Now, wouldnt that be defeating the purpose?

Sorry for my rantings. Im just depressed. And needed someone to listen. I dont feel I deserve the band. I love the band, for all that it has done for me so far. But I cant get past not being motivated, because of my Bipolar Disorder. Does anyone else here have this disease?

I just need some support, whatever form of support I can get would be great. Merry Christmas all.

[mango24 1]

You have lost a lot of weight in 6 months. You're doing great. You just need to get a fill to tighten you back up. You were too tight, and it sounds like they took out too much. Once you start eating sweets, it's hard to stop. Sugar is an evil drug. It's Christmas, sweets are EVERYWHERE!! I bet you they may even be under my pillow. AHHHHH

[deanstax 0]

Sorry to hear that your not feeling well. You have lost a lot of weight in 6 months, wow!! Just think you could of never lost that much with just a regular diet. Just get through the next week with the thought that you will have a great New Year and will get off your plateau. I am schedule for my surgery on January 6th, hopefully I can do as well as you in 6 months. Tomorrow is a new day and will be a blessed one for you. God Bless you Leslie. Were going to have a great 2009!!

[jms462001 9]

You have accomplished a lot in a very short time with the weight loss. You will get back on track. And I think you are not alone with the depression during the holidays. It hits so many people. My daughter is bi-polar and she also struggles with her weight. She has lost 45 pounds (again!). She also had a drug problem which she finally has conquered by getting away from the AA type programs and going to a program with a philosophy that it is a choice, not a disease......a wonderful program that changed her life. Anyway, she will always deal with bi-polar. She seems to be helped by wellbutrin and she takes a med for anxiety along with it. She also tried abilify (sp) but did not do well on it, she had terrible blurred vision. I hope you are feeling better soon. I know I have been beating myself up over my eating bad the past few days, but I'm determined to change it tomorrow!!!! Good luck to you, you are doing great!!!!!!!:tongue2:

[mnn2501 0]

another small fill may do it. Frankly I had given up, I gained back 15 lbs of the 50 I lost in 9+ months. Finally decided that I was not going to gain anymore and had 1 more fill (my 6th) -- seems like that was exactly what I needed, finally I have restriction anything but liquids hurt going down unless I chew, chew, chew and even then, some foods just are not worth it -- which is exactly what I wanted

[skhopp 0]

Leslie - Let me start off by saying that I can only wish I would have done as well as you have. I am 19 mos out from banding and have only lost the 10 pounds I lost on the PRE-op diet! Although I am not bipolar, I have family that is, and I do take 40mg of Paxil for depression. I'm not going to say I know how you feel, because I have watched people suffer thru the ups and downs of being bipolar, but have not had to experience it myself. I know it's easier said than done, but try to pick yourself up - you have made great leaps and bounds since being banded. Many people, including myself, could only dream of the successess you have already had. I know how depressing and frustrating this can be - I'm there. Some people say "take it a day at a time" - I say "take it an hour at a time" - I can do a lot of damage in a days time! It is overwhelming for me to look at the big picture - I still have a good 100 pounds to lose, and haven't found a good way to do it. It is very upsetting - I feel like I have not only let myself down, but my family as well (they are pretty supportive of me, with the exception of my dad and sister). I've had 3 back surgeries and am 33 years old - I am certain that I will face more, especially if I don't get some of this weight off. You most certainly do deserve the band - you've shown that by the weight loss you've had so far. However, I sometimes feel I don't deserve the band either, as I have never allowed it to work the way its intended to work - as a tool - I wanted it to be the miracle answer to weight loss, and it's not.

Hang in there! This is not an easy journey, and medications affect everyone differently - your meds may have A LOT to do with your feelings. (The closest my sister-in-law has ever been to suicide was when she was on Wellbutrin - but for some it's a God sent) Hopefully, your doctor will find the right medications for you - ones that will not only make you feel better about yourself, but ones that don't have terrible side effects.

Good luck to you - and feel free to vent anytime you need to. We're here for each other. You can even Private Message me, if you want.

Stephanie

[bubbles09 1]

I'm right there with you, prone to cyclical bouts of depression (especially on holidays). This one has been especially tough. I'm taking things moment by moment, trying to redirect my thoughts when they turn bleak. You've made huge strides in such a short time, try to Celebrate your success and think about how much can change in the next six months and beyond. You won't be stuck in this dark place forever, life is a road full of ruts and twists and turns, but the road always continues. Sometimes you can sit back and enjoy the view, in control and at peace. Be kind to yourself, reach out to friends, find a book of affirmations and surround yourself with things, people, places you love. Light a candle in your honor. You deserve it!

[HeatherO 7]

Everyone else said it so well. You have had excellent weight loss for six months. December can be a depressing time for most of us. Now that the holiday stresses are almost over, you can rededicate and let your life get back to normal.

[Blaze21 5]

LeslieR041906,

I understand exactly what you are going through. I have bipolar disorder as well. I'm having a lot of issues with food and fills right now. My surgeon can't find the right spot, either I'm too loose or too tight, there's no middle. I take Geodon for my bipolar disorder. I was on Abilify before this and it made my symptoms worse. I hope you feel better soon.

[maguirre67 0]

i am also bipolar ive lost fifty pounds and i had the surgery june30th ive also lost six sizes and i only have 3.5cc in an 8cc youve done great just keep your head up

[LeslieR041906 1]

i am also bipolar ive lost fifty pounds and i had the surgery june30th ive also lost six sizes and i only have 3.5cc in an 8cc youve done great just keep your head up

You have done well yourself. But I havent really lost any sizes. Maybe 2 sizes. I think. I was going to take some time after the holidays to buy some clothes for myself. But The scales are preventing me from doing so.

So, Im making a mini goal, for when my taxes come back. Then I think I will go buy a few clothes. Some clothes I have I had to donate, cause they were way too big. Makes me feel happy that I couldnt wear them. Im no longer in the 270s Im ranging right at 283 or so. Its really hard to know Ive gained nearly 10lbs.. since they took out my fill. On the 7th of Jan I will get another fill. Maybe just maybe this will be the one for me.

I know that we really cant have shakes for Breakfast and lunch, but for the most part I cant afford healthy food. SO Im left with no choice. I just have to find one that will keep me full. Exercise is going to be crucial but, Im starting school Jan 19th. And Having a full time job, along with tending to a 2 year old exercise is going to be hard. So Im really upset about that.

Anyway, my meds seem to help, but there are times where I get too out of it. The anger is the hardest part, going into manias. Its hard. Anyway thanks so much for letting me vent. It helps a lot.

[jms462001 9]

tuna and eggs are fairly inexpensive and provide lots of Protein. I think if they are made into a salad with lowfat mayo and relish, onions, etc. they are not too bad. It fills me up for quite awhile.

[amccra07 0]

It helps to know that there are others out there going through what I am going through. I feel like I have given up also. Banded 3/10/08, lost 40 lbs. and the last time I weighed I was up 10 lbs. I am refusing to get back on the scale until I can get my head on straight again. I need to get back on program with my "approved" eating. I have turned to sweets, junk, anything... I hate myself right now and could not get scheduled for another fill until Jan. 21st so I feel like I'm out of control until then. HELP!

[Blaze21 5]

amccra07,

Is it possible to see your nutritionist between now and your fill? I'm going to see mine next week. Hopefully she can help.

[LeslieR041906 1]

Tuna and eggs are fairly inexpensive and provide lots of Protein. I think if they are made into a salad with lowfat mayo and relish, onions, etc. they are not too bad. It fills me up for quite awhile.

for some reason I cant tolerate eggs. tuna is great. But eating a salad, I Can eat lots and lots and lots of it, just because it goes right through me, tuna salad on the other hand, that may be a good change.