Fiance' Banded

[MrsYankyDoodle 0]

My Fiance' had the lap band surgery about 3 years ago. I've been dating him for the last 2 years. For the majority of that time, I've watched him gain weight, lose weight (dramatically) and nearly every day, he vomits his meals to the point he's in tears. I am struggling every day trying to help him get through this. I don't know that much about the surgery itself, but I have done a lot of research about what it does and what he should be eating, etc, but I don't know how to help him. I love him so much and it hurts me so bad to see his pain everytime he eats. Where/who can I go to help him. He's had his throat scoped and there's no damage to or slippage of the band. He's getting blood work done every 3 months to ensure he's physically healthy - so why can't he keep food down? Why does he constantly throw up all day? What can I do to help?

[notateechanow 7]

There can be several different reasons for vomiting. First, he may have too much restriction. (The band is too tight, causing pain and not allowing food to pass through, so he vomits it back up.) Another cause could be that he's not eating the appropriate amount of food. Unfortunately, the band only restricts your stomach, not your head. If he hasn't changed his eating habits, it's possible that he's over eating--particularly if he's not measuring his food. One more issue could be that he's no longer able to consume the same kinds of food as before banding. Each of us is affected differently---I can't eat soft foods because they are easy to eat without chewing properly, so while they go down ok, they come back really fast! Many banded people have issues with rice, bread, Pasta, etc. Good news is, there's very little nutritional value in these foods.

Lastly, he may also be someone who panics when he starts to feel the tightness of the band. I have had times when I've preemptively vomited because I worry that something I've eaten will get stuck and intentionally vomit it back up. If he works closely with his surgeon and nutritionist and follows the "rules" of eating, he should be ok. I think you'd be well advised to have him talk with his doctor. I know my ex was concerned for the same reasons and eventually pushed me to get an "unfill" of my band. I found that my band tightened with stress. Many of us are apprehensive to unfill because of the potential for gaining weight back. It's a hard balance to find. But, with good support from the doctor and nutritionist and honest communication, he should be ok. Good luck. :thumbup:

[sandielaw 0]

It sounds like one of several things:

1) his band is too tight

2) he's eating too quickly

3) he's not chewing enough

Vomiting and banding do not have to go hand in hand.

Has he seen his surgeon about any of this? What do they think?

[MrsYankyDoodle 0]

Thank you so much for the posts so far. I agree with both of you somewhat. He does eat the wrong things sometimes - like he'll have a cookie or pretzels and that will make him throw up. But, the rest of the day, no matter what he eats, he throws up everything. I think emotionally he uses the lap band as a tool to lose more weight and eat so much less and he'll skip meals for a day or two. He weighed about 350 when he had the surgery. He was in a miserable marriage with a cheating wife. He lost about 140 lbs during the 1st year. When we met - about a year after his divorce, he and I started eating the wrong things. During our first year he put on 75 lbs and I put on 50 lbs. Since February (until about October) he lost around 110 lbs - very fast and not doing the right thing at all. Everytime he gets really upset/mad, he gets his band tightened. He's down to 175 lbs - 6' tall - and his doctor are all telling him he's healthy. His blood work is fine and his blood pressure is good (although relatively low - 105/60 is average with a pulse rate of 45-50). Since he skips meals (whole days' worth), I can't believe he's as healthy as his blood work says he is. He recently had food poisoning and his blood pressure plummeted to 60/36 - near kidney and renal failure. He was scared to death and said that was a life-changing moment. Now he's talking about getting his band tightened again. He's anorexic now - I know he knows how to make himself throw up, so I'm not sure if it's all because of what/how he's eating with the band or just his way of getting away with it (by blaming the band). We're getting married in February, but I'm afraid even if he makes it til then, that he won't make it much longer after. :thumbup:

[sandielaw 0]

This sounds like more than a band issue. Have you asked him to go to therapy?

[MrsYankyDoodle 0]

We've discussed therapy and he finally told his regular doctor about his eating habits and mental issues with his weight loss "mission" (as he calls it). I went with him and told her some things he probably wouldn't have if I wasn't there. She put him on new medication which seems to help some, but he still gets to that point sometimes where he uses the band to his advantage. He's a great person, but his past wasn't easy to say the least. He's been through a lot and I understand why he feels like he does, but I wish he wouldn't feel so down about himself. I see things in him he doesn't because his ex was such a hurtful and vengeful woman. He blames the lap band when he throws up, but praises it when he loses a pound or two. Sometimes I see his band as a blessing, because he can lose weight easier with it than he could without it (from what he's told me). I think he could lose the weight without it as long as he has the right support - which from his family, he doesn't but from me he does. His ex only supported the surgery because, in her words, she was embarassed by his obesity. What a great wife she was, huh? I don't care how much he weighs, as long as he's healthy and happy. I know being thin makes him happier, that's why I support it. Are there support groups he can go to or do you think a therapist (one-on-one) would be better? I will do whatever I can to make him see what I see in him - he deserves to be happy and thin without killing himself.

[notateechanow 7]

As I mentioned earlier, my band tightens when I'm stressed. I go to counseling weekly. The band just didn't solve all that ailed me. The other thing to consider---I have a problem getting food down if I haven't eaten for too long, too! If I have something for breakfast--like a Protein Shake and get too busy to eat lunch, I have a really hard time getting dinner down. The other issue can be if he's really hungry he doesn't chew well. I do find myself eating food that comfort but don't sit well. I can't believe how much I relied on food for comfort in the past and didn't know until I recently had a lot of upheaval in my life. He needs to get some help. He should be adequately adjusted by now and needs to be honest with his doctors. They can't treat adequately if they don't know the extent of it.....

[sandielaw 0]

My surgeon has a support group. I also do therapy...I've found both to be helpful. The more support I can get, the better. :thumbup:

[MrsYankyDoodle 0]

I hear you and I believe at least 1/2 of it is mental and has nothing to do with the band. I think he got the band for the wrong reason, but if he uses it right and for the right reasons it's a great tool for him. I think it gave him an edge he didn't need during that time in his life. But, with no one to support him and his home life going down the tubes, he felt it was his only option. I haven't completely convinced him to seek counseling, he wants to do it on his own. But, I won't give him an ultimatum that he does the right think or I walk - I won't leave him for that or any other reason. I think you're right about skipping meals makes it harder to eat later - I have been telling him that for a while now. Maybe if I show him your posts, he'll listen since you've had the surgery and have had some similar experiences. I feel like I'm helpless and have no way to fix this - that's why I'm posting here. I appreciate all your help.

[notateechanow 7]

It sounds like he'd be best to start with group therapy. If his surgeon is part of a group, I'd expect that they offer this. Most surgeons have a monthly group meeting. After that, when he's really ready to face some of those not so hidden demons, he should start with the one on one counseling. It isn't easy, but it is well worth it in the end. Deal with the most pressing issue first---if you're right and he'll only listen to those of us who have been banded, then take him to a support group meeting. Call his doctor's office and ask if they have one or can suggest one.....

Good luck. He's so fortunate to have you, but be sure not to try to "fix" this for him. He needs to handle this one--with your support--but on his own. :thumbup:

[MrsYankyDoodle 0]

Thank you for your help and much needed advice. I hope I'm not trying to "fix" it for him, I'm trying to help as much as possible. I know it's up to him to get through this and I've told him as much, but I can't help wanting to take his pain away and fix it for him. Thank you also for saying he's fortunate to have me, I'm fortunate to have him in my life too. He's brought me so much happiness, joy and love that I never knew existed in a relationship.

Maybe it's the macho guy thing that makes him not want to go to therapy or maybe he just doesn't want to tell a bunch of strangers what he's been doing.

No matter what it takes, I'm going to get him through this. He's a very good man and I'm lucky to have him. I'll find a support group for us to go to - I think it would do him a lot of good to talk with other people with some or all of the same issues he's having. Thank you again so much for all of your help.

[HeatherO 7]

I agree with everyone else. Both group therapy and individual therapy might be helpful, especially if they are done together. This isn't a healthy lifestyle choice and if it continues indefinitely he may risk his band later.

[sandielaw 0]

I have to say, he is a very lucky man. You obviously care a lot about him.

[aubrie 6]

I'm a bit concerned that his doctor is letting him continue this. Either he's not being completely honest with his doctor about his habits or his problems, or he might need to try a new doctor. I know some doctors are more aggresive with the band than others. One like that put a friend of mine in a really bad way. Her band slipped and she almost died. she got a different doctor and her band experience is now a joy instead of a nightmare. Are there any other doctors in your area you could get a second opinion? I also agree with all the posters above. He has some non band issues that need to be addressed, and some habits that need closer evaluation. Good luck to him and kudos to you for sticking by him.