female only Going through or considering divorce?

[Boo Boo Kitty 3]

Wow Happy! I completely appreciate your honesty. I think that I stay because I think he "can" be the man I need, but in my head I know it will never happen. He just wants to try to work it out and it is killing me. I have no emotion towards him anymore, he knows it as well. So what is he hoping for? He just needs to let me go....

[Carrie_C 9]

My husband is so mean one minute and so nice the next. That's also what makes it hard for me to leave.

[Boo Boo Kitty 3]

My husband is so mean one minute and so nice the next. That's also what makes it hard for me to leave.

EXACTLY! He gives me hope that the person I onced loved is in there somewhere, and rips it away the next.

[Carrie_C 9]

Yes, that's how I feel.

[edazul 0]

just wanted to see how you were doing?? just got on this thread today and didnt see anything recent. I myself am and was going thru this, but my story differs. Let us know how you are doing.

[Carrie_C 9]

I don't know if you were talking to me or BBK, but my marriage seems to be getting better. Things have been really good lately. I really hope they stay this way. We have been going through some tough times together right now, and it seems to have made us stronger. He has even been doing more around the house. I just hope it continues.

[Boo Boo Kitty 3]

just wanted to see how you were doing?? just got on this thread today and didnt see anything recent. I myself am and was going thru this, but my story differs. Let us know how you are doing.

I am miserable but thanks for asking. He has changed but it is too late and I feel guilty and alone.... :thumbup:

[brendaanise 0]

Wow do I know what you guys are talking about. My husband and I have been together for 4 years and have been married 3 of them and for me these have been the most miserable years of my life. When I was 226 lbs, we got along okay (notice I said okay and not great). He was VERY mean to me and treated me like he was going me a favor by being with me. Then as the weight started coming off and I gained the confidence that I should have had in the first place, now he sees that I will no longer be treated like a doormat. Now I am not sure I want to be married anymore. I try very hard not to live in the past but I keep going back to all the terrible, horriable names he called me and the bruises, and the fact that he treated me SO bad. I dont want to admit that I have been in yet another failed relationship but I am so very tired of being unhappy. So I TOTALLY understand what you guys are going through. Not sure what I want to do at this point.

[brendaanise 0]

EXACTLY! He gives me hope that the person I onced loved is in there somewhere, and rips it away the next.

EXACTLY how I feel. I have been hoping for the best for so long and now I have all but given up. I am now numb and wonder "How did I end up here? This is not how I thought it would be."

[janke129 0]

I was married for 20 years to a man that was good as gold one minute and then in a instant could turn cold and distant. I also felt I could fix him, or change him with love and support. He was the father of my 2 kids but it got to the point that I was walking on eggshells, afraid to talk because I never knew how he would react. He would yell, rant and rave and then he would apoligize and say he loved me, couldn't live without me and it would never happen again. It got to the point that I was having trouble breathing when he was in the room, it felt like the air would all of a sudden be sucked out. One day my oldest daughter told me that when she turned 18 she wanted to adopt her younger sister to get away from him...I did not need to think about it anymore we left that night. I was confused and scared and even felt guilty for leaving him ... sometimes I think I have wasted 20 years, but then I look at my 2 daughters and I would not have had them without him. Three years later, I am married to a wonderful man who loves my kids as his own. I trust him totally and really appriciate all the little things because I remember how it used to be. I am so happy that I finally took control and changed my life!

[brendaanise 0]

I was married for 20 years to a man that was good as gold one minute and then in a instant could turn cold and distant. I also felt I could fix him, or change him with love and support. He was the father of my 2 kids but it got to the point that I was walking on eggshells, afraid to talk because I never knew how he would react. He would yell, rant and rave and then he would apoligize and say he loved me, couldn't live without me and it would never happen again. It got to the point that I was having trouble breathing when he was in the room, it felt like the air would all of a sudden be sucked out. One day my oldest daughter told me that when she turned 18 she wanted to adopt her younger sister to get away from him...I did not need to think about it anymore we left that night. I was confused and scared and even felt guilty for leaving him ... sometimes I think I have wasted 20 years, but then I look at my 2 daughters and I would not have had them without him. Three years later, I am married to a wonderful man who loves my kids as his own. I trust him totally and really appriciate all the little things because I remember how it used to be. I am so happy that I finally took control and changed my life!

WOW Were we married to the same guy? lol That sounds SO much like my husband. I, too, walk on eggshells on a daily basis and am scared to disagree with him. As long as I am agreeing, everything is bearable. But the moment I dont agree, all hell breaks loose. I am so happy that you found the courage to break free and finally find happiness. I hope to be able to do that one day. Although I am still with mine, I am hoping to be happily married one day. Congratulations on your current marriage. Glad to hear that your children also found happiness because at the end of the day, their happiness is the most important thing.

Edited February 12, 2009 by brendaanise
forgot something

[edazul 0]

This is so bizarre, when I read some of these posts, its like reading my thoughts outloud. Do any of you think that maybe the weight loss, had a major role to play in our mixed emotions? I for one started having problems with my husband as I started to reach my goal weight. Its as of my self-esteem sky rocketed and sometimes I have to ground myself and get a reality check. It is just so hard to go thru divorce when there are children involved. I have a 8 yr old and a 2yr old and I would hate for them to go through all that so I stay. My case differs in my situation, I was the unfaithful one - and even though I try to justify it with not getting the attention I needed at the time, it just wasnt right. We separated for 4 months and during the holidays I allowed him to come back home for the children, and in my heart I thought things would fall back into place. But it only made things worse. Now there is trust issues of course on his part and even when I'm trying to make the relationship work, the past comes back to haunt us and its a never ending cycle. I know I have caused to much pain and it is better if we part ways, but he is so obsessed with me, its smothering. Does anybody understand a hint of what I'm going thru?

[JABBA THE MUTT 0]

Ladies,

I realize I am treading on forbidden ground, but perhaps a different perspective.

Married to DW for 18 years. My best buddy stood by me through worse, sick, and poorer. We do not fight.

Marriage is like a fine china plate. Break it, glue it back together, all you will see are the cracks.

Hubby threatens to leave, let him go. Otherwise you will spend your life as a POW. Most men are driven by their own insecurities and internalization of their shortcomings and failure to live up to their obligations.

Life is too short to be unhappy. Name me one good thing that ever came about as a result of guilt? Guilt and shame profit you not.

More harm done to kids by continued exposure to hostile environment than from divorce.

"Marriage takes work", what a load of crap! If you have to work at it that hard, you have the wrong man.

Plenty of good men out there. Find one not quite as attractive as you. He will be soooo happy and grateful to be with you. He will worship you, slay dragons for you, do what ever it takes to make you happy.

For those men reading this, I will tell you the secret:

Women want more than anything else, to be envied by other women. Make it happen, and happieness will be yours.

Doesn't take a lot of money (although I personally have found it very helpful), takes a little effort and creativity.

Ladies, take heart, do not stay where you are not valued. Failure is not a sin, so long as we learn from it.

Sorry again for the intrusion.

[janke129 0]

Brendaanise-thank you for your thoughts. I was on the fence quite awhile and then I knew it was the right thing to do. I had totally lost me and when I left I had trouble thinking what do I want to do, my interests..instead of always him,him,him.

Edazul- I know how you feel as I turned to another man when my marriage was definently over. I had forgotten how nice it was to be treated well and listened to and it got out of hand. My husband suspected but it was never confirmed. I am not a therapist but I know the trust issue will take time. Has your husband forgiven you? It is not only what he thinks, you have to forgive yourself and build a new future together and let go of the past. If you regret your mistake and always keep thinking and rebuilding with your husband, the trust will build and you will be able to work through this. I agree that kids do better with 2 loving parents apart than living on a battleground and staying together just because of them.

Jabba the Mutt- I agree with most of what you said Except a couple of points. First, the part about finding a man less attractive than me and having him grateful. Isn't that the descrimation that we fight against that people look differently at us because we are fat. What about how a person is on the inside, interests, morals, and being compadable? And second, I don't feel I want to be envied by other women. I have never thought of who I was because of what other women thought. I have worked on how I could be a better person but always on my standards, who I wanted to be or become. I have never lived by how I was doing by keeping score or keeping up with the Jones'.

Bottom line, I wholeheartely agree with "do not stay where you are not valued, and failure is not a sin so long as we learn from it. "

Life is short, don't let it slip you by..........

[gatormel08 0]

I'm here for someone to talk to. Just somewhere to get my thoughts out. sorry if this has poor grammar. im crying as i type this.

im 20 years old. ill be 21 in april. ive been married to my husband for almost 2 years (march 2007 we got married). since the summer after we got married, i felt like i needed out of this marriage. i stayed though because of issues with my mother. we had a joint account because of some college money that i got from my grandparents but she decided in order to get me to stay with him, to take my money out of my account. i was left with nothing. im in a program at college to become a teacher, since im in my 4th year, im interning and unable to really work to support myself. ive stayed with him for over a year and a half to be supported, have insurance and just make my mom and everyone else happy because they said that I was the one being the evil one and i need to think about his feelings and not hurt him. so ive stayed. i graduate with my bachelors in december. i keep thinking i can stay with him until then and then move out on my own and divorce him. but i dont know if i can wait that long. im unhappy. hes so negative about everything. i feel like we have nothing in common anymore. he annoys me when he's home on the weekends because he doesnt do anything by himself or give me my own space. i dont know what to do. i have no job or money to support myself. i feel like if i leave, ill screw myself. if i stay, im going to be unhappy. i have no one to talk to and im scared to talk to my family because of their reaction to my decision last time. i don't know if my WLS had anything to do with this but it may have. im not sure of anything right now except that i need to be able to support myself before i leave him.